the email crying game

[grieving]

Hi,

 

I think I need some perspective on my situation. My friends are kind of getting frustrated with me and I'm not sure if I should follow their advice or my heart.

 

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, citing that he still loves me but that he was emotionally exhausted and that he couldn't see our relationship giving him the peace and intimacy that he needs to be happy in the future. He still wants to be friends. We were together for 2.5 years and we went through more life-changing events together than most married couples go through in a lifetime.

 

Anyway, after a week and half of no-contact after we first broke up, we started to email each other. It's all pretty neutral and involves talking about philosophy, literature and art. Mostly, we exchange recommendations on reading and gallery openings and stuff and occasionally we talk about what's going on in our personal lives. I've told him that I'm doing a lot of reevaluating of myself and my life, to which he didn't really respond. He then told me a week ago that he was feeling kind of blue, to which I didn't respond.

 

He often includes quotes from books that he's reading, saying that some aspect of them reminds him of me and I can tell from his emails that he's put some time into composing them.

 

The only problem is that he responds erratically - sometimes he responds right away and other times he takes a week to get back to me, usually apologizing for not writing sooner. It's driving me a little insane, frankly, because I start to obsess over why he's not writing back. I always feel calmer after he does write back and then I hate myself for needing the support of contact with him.

 

I go through waves of intense anger, depression and elation still, even two months later, when I think about him.

 

And after trying desperately to convince myself to move on, to acknowledge that he didn't treat me as I should have been treated, that he's not the one, I still find myself hoping that he'll have a change of heart or that we'll somehow once again be as close as we were. My friends think I'm insane and that I should stop all contact and move on. They won't talk to me about it anymore.

 

And I guess I want to take our friendship further, but I don't know if it's wise or not. And if I do, should I be the one to suggest phone or face-to-face contact or should I let him do it? Should I ask him how he's feeling about our email friendship, or should I let him bring it up?

 

Goodness this is so difficult.

 

- Grieving

[Mar]

I would strongly advise taking a step back and leaving off contact. All you're doing right now is holding yourself in an emotional limbo for this man who can't answer a simple e-mail. Granted, this may be because he's very busy, but it takes no effort to send a line simply saying you're doing alright.

 

He broke up with you because he couldn't see getting what he needed out of the relationship in the future; yet, by being "friends", you're not able to move on. You said yourself you depend on that contact.

 

If only a week went by before you started regularly talking again, you're still bound to him. Not to mention that it's extremely difficult to go back to being "friends" once you've been in a relationship, especially one that had as many upheavals as yours apparently did. It's not easy to immediately start chatting about the weather and mundane things friends chat about after that.

 

I would cut all contact for now and give yourself time to heal and put him into the proper perspective of "ex." I think you may be subconsciously holding onto him in the hopes that he'll get back together with you, and I don't think that's wise or healthy for you. (I could be way off the mark on that one, and apologize if I am.) Eplain to him that you need to get your life in order and put the past into the past where it belongs before you can objectively be friends with him, since you haven't really had that "grieving period" to get over him, having started contact again so soon after the breakup. This way, you'll be able to heal yourself and open yourself to new possibilities of love, as will he, if he hasn't done so already. But I definitely think you need to abstain from contact with him for awhile so you can get things into perspective!

 

Mar

[Beec]

Before you do anything, you have to figure out what you want. Neither of you is acting like they really want the relationship to be over. If you want back in, you need to let him know and take steps toward that. If you want to move on, then you need to do that. Figure out what you want first.

[SF_mike]

hi grieving,

 

As tough as it is I agree with the masses and think you should aim for no contact...I know for myself cutting off the emails and IM programs were the toughest things ever. I'd stare at her buddy icon all day and torture myself (what is she doing, what is she thinking, etc)...I'd analyze her emails to death and look for any shred of hope for us...I feel I didn't start making ANY progress in healing until I cut these things off. Wish I could say that I have a 4 month streak going but we did get together a couple of times, traded calls/emails on occasions...but I never initiated any contact (just responded). Hope this gets easier someday...

 

Hopefully the new year will be better for us all...

 

-Mike