Dating with an ex husband, shouldn't be difficult?

[Scoe141]

I'm dating a girl who has an ex-husband and two children together. She wanted to divorce him after 10 years of marriage. Her and I have been dating for about a year now. I've been around the kids, get along great with them. They look up to me, respect me, and we all have a lot of fun together. I also met the ex (We ran into each other a few weeks ago and had a civil conversation for about 30 min.)

 

Anyway...

 

My g/f talks with her ex about every other day, mostly about kids issues, school, parenting etc. But a lot of times, they'll talk for 20-25 min. about family (her brother and him do business together), family and among other things.

 

I don't know why I feel insecure about it? I know she loves me, doesn't want to be with him, and tells me she wants to be civil with him. She says by them talking about other issues keeps things grounded and they can better their relationship for their children. (So its not all just "business".) I think what might contribute to my uneasiness is the fact she has voiced her opinion about talking with ex's. I've told her it wasn't a big issue. She insists its inappropriate and shouldnt be tolerated. (We have fought on this issue several times. So I made concessions and ended friendships with my ex's, as I saw part her , and there really was "no reason" to talk with them. But she can talk with her ex for 20-25 min because she has children with them? She says its different because she has no choice, and that if they had no children together she wouldn't talk with him. I told her keep it restricted to her children and family issues, she said it wasn't healthy and had some other reason.

 

Is this normal? I thought people who were divorced only spoke about children issues, finances etc. and left it at that, or didn't talk at all. But like 3-4 times a week for 20 min. Is that normal?

 

A part of me think this is no big deal. No worth arguing about, but another feels like standing my ground and making it a big deal.

 

Please help!

[Mythical_Suicide]

I talk to my sons father about stuff as well.. Just random stuff, music, etc.. Only because if we don't it keeps up a huge wall. I try to keep things friendly for my son's sake and seems that is what she is doing. Being insecure in a relationship with someone with an ex who has kids together isn't going to work out for you two.

 

As long as they aren't talking about relationships, etc why worry? They were married for a long time.

[Mythical_Suicide]

By reading some of your previous posts it seems you are really insecure with the fact she has a past with this guy. I think it's something that YOU need to work on. (you are insecure with jewelry she wears just because he gave them to her?). She can't just erase her entire past.

[Scoe141]

Yes, I agree. I'm certainly an advocate of civilization, especially for their sons sake. But, how I can quell the uneasiness? I know it shouldn't be a big deal. (She always tells me what they talk about, and 90% of the time she talks to him in front me, to help quell the uneasiness...) It makes me feel a lil guilty...

[Clabs]

Hi Scoe

 

Sounds like she is being open and honest - and just carrying out her role with her ex as parents. Good for them that they are able to remain on civil terms - so much better for the children.

 

He may not be a partner but he is going to be around as a parent for a very long time so you need to get a grip on this.

 

Try and relax - ok?

 

Mark

[Frangipani]

Yes, but conversations every day? Hardly necessary. It's not about being jealous or insecure, it's about her inability to break away from a daily existence with an ex. My boyfriend has young children and he does not talk to his ex every day. There is no need to. He speaks to ME about his day and doesn't rely on her. They are on good terms, but he has his own life now.

 

I really do not think that you should have to give up your friendships with ex partners that you remained good friends with either. That is unfair. I have 2 exes that are best friends to me and that will not change no matter who comes into my life. My currnet b/f knew this when he met me. But I certainly don't speak to them on a daily or even weekly basis. That's what I have my b/f for...to share my closest thought with.

 

When he talks to his ex, it is brief and friendly but only regarding picking the kids up, how they are etc. Usually all of 5 mins maybe once or twice week. Why do you allow her to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with? My b/f's ex did not allow him to have female friends fullstop - but she had male friends??? I have no problem with him having platonic female friendships and he sees that as a huge relief as he was forced to give up close friends for her. She is being bit of a hypocrite by saying you can't.

 

Anyway, I think talking 'everyday' is way too much. Being divorced doesn't mean getting to share what you used to and communicating every day either...that's what breaking up means...you don't get to have all that with that person anymore. You can't have it both ways...

[mrmaximum]

Nothing more that I can add that hasn't been said about keeping things civil for the kids but to have you eliminate your female friends while she talks to her ex is a bit strange. Although I wouldn't advocate being immature about things, you should bring up the obvious unfairness of this whole situation. What's good for the goose, yeah?

[ImThatGirl]

Just wanted to add.... I consider my childrens fathers like friends/family. We don't really talk every two days but we do talk on the phone, chit chat during pick-ups and such. It's just part of our life. Again, they are like family.

 

With her opinion on your ex's... she probably thinks that it's okay for her, because of the kids... but that you have no real reason to keep in touch with ex's. Would have to know more specifics...

[Mythical_Suicide]

Just wanted to add.... I consider my childrens fathers like friends/family. We don't really talk every two days but we do talk on the phone, chit chat during pick-ups and such. It's just part of our life. Again, they are like family.

 

With her opinion on your ex's... she probably thinks that it's okay for her, because of the kids... but that you have no real reason to keep in touch with ex's. Would have to know more specifics...

 

That's what I was getting as well..

 

Is it really that big of a deal that you aren't in contact with any of your ex's? Whether she's friendly or not with her ex she has to have contact no matter what because of the kids.

[Scoe141]

By reading some of your previous posts it seems you are really insecure with the fact she has a past with this guy. I think it's something that YOU need to work on. (you are insecure with jewelry she wears just because he gave them to her?). She can't just erase her entire past.

 

You're absolutely right. It's something I've recognized and trying everything in my power to quell these thoughts.

[Scoe141]

Just wanted to add.... I consider my childrens fathers like friends/family. We don't really talk every two days but we do talk on the phone, chit chat during pick-ups and such. It's just part of our life. Again, they are like family.

 

With her opinion on your ex's... she probably thinks that it's okay for her, because of the kids... but that you have no real reason to keep in touch with ex's. Would have to know more specifics...

 

Yes, I agree but where should the line be drawn? She thinks friends with ex's isnt right because, "whats the point" and out of fear something "bad" might happen. I argued about it with her in the beginning, and would get absolutely no where. So I made concessions. Now if I ever bring it up, she gets defensive, and it gets no where. If I voice my opinion about talking with her ex, then I'm jealous, controlling and don't know what I'm talking about. She said, "Its going to subside when he gets a girlfriend..."

 

Who knows...

[Scoe141]

Oh, BTW thanks for everyone taking the time out to respond to these issues.

[tangi39]

Well, she's right about one thing- She doesn't have a choice.

She does have to be on good terms with him, and that's wonderful for the kids. I do think she is wanting to still be close with him though too.

Which I think is great if they can. Why should all ex's have to hate each other ? If they can be friends, that's great. The only thing that seems to be an issue though is that she doesn't want you to be friends with your exes.

Although she does need to remain in contact for her kids, she also wants to be his friend also and is just using the kids as a "cover". She should not have this double standard. She needs to own up to the fact that she wants to be his friend and if she can't then she needs to learn to be okay with you being platonic friends from people in your past.

[Scoe141]

Again, I totally agree. And I've tried to argue with her about that issue. She insists "its different because they have children together, and I wouldn't understand because I dont have any..." She also said that if they didn't have children together, then they wouldnt be talking, period.

[Papillion]

Ok, i am her ex husband and the father of her kids. (obviously i'm not, but i do have an ex-wife with whom i have 2 children, and she is in a new relationship, so i can speak from his position).

 

I dont believe in staying in touch with exes, generally, because i dont see the point. You split up for a reason. Plus, it usually always causes upset for the new partner to see their g/f or b/f staying in touch with an ex. So as a rule, i think its wrong.

 

BUT, the woman who birthed my babies, and the person who they live with 80% of the time, thats a different situation. My kids come first, and when i split with their mother we agreed to work together in the kids best interests. So nobody is going to tell me i cant speak to my ex wife whenever and for however long i please, because those conversations are for the benefit of our kids. So any g/f of mine, and any b/f of hers, is gonna have to just accept it. There is no way on god's green earth that i would ever try to get back with my ex wife, and i know she feels the same. But our kids need us to be united and friendly.

 

You gotta suck it up and live with it dude.

 

Do you trust her btw? Are you worried she wants back with her ex?

[Papillion]

She insists "its different because they have children together, and I wouldn't understand because I dont have any..." She also said that if they didn't have children together, then they wouldnt be talking, period.

 

sorry dude, but i totally agree with every word she said here. It is different because they have kids. And i can honestly say with my hand on a bible, that if i didnt have kids with my ex wife, i would never ever speak to her again for as long as i lived. Its purely for the kids.

[Scoe141]

Thanks for the aggressive approach/advice. I really appreciate it. (and no, Im not being factitious.)

 

I did worry about that because of comments made in the past. (i.e. if you ever hurt me emotionally, I would consider going back to my ex for the kids sake, because I wouldn't want to find anything else...) We've discussed this at lengths, and she told me that she would never want to go back with him, period. Now she says, even if her and I should break up, she wouldn't go back with him. Its over, period. I have no choice but to believe her, eh?

 

I do see your point and certainly think its valid... but whats acceptable, and whats not?

 

Or am I reading into it too much?

[tangi39]

Again, I totally agree. And I've tried to argue with her about that issue. She insists "its different because they have children together, and I wouldn't understand because I dont have any..." She also said that if they didn't have children together, then they wouldnt be talking, period.

 

Yeah, but they DON'T just talk about the children. I really think it's very immature of her to hold the above statement over your head. That's VERY condescending. It's very easy to tell if they are just conversing about the kids or reminscing about their own relationship- it's rather insulting of her to insinuate that you can't tell the difference.

I think you need to tell her this- "Look, I think it is great that you are on friendly terms with your ex. However, you seem to talk to him much more than is necessary to merely discuss children. If you want to be friends with him, fine- great. But then please understand that I should be allowed to be friends with my exes. It's unfair to have a double standard about this. We need to reach a resolution of either you limiting your contact with him on non-child related issues or be accepting of me being friends with people from my past. I only ask that you tell me your true feelings on the matter and not hide behind the kids or treat me as though I don't understand the obligations of having a child. "

 

If she won't reach a compromise with you, then you might eventually need to walk away.

[Scoe141]

We've discussed this, and she's told me that they need to talk about other issues, so that it's not just black and white with their children. It's healthier if they can be friends and talk about things, (i.e. his business ventures, mutual friends relationships, his new relationship and why it didnt work out). Instead of, "hey so and so needs diapers at daycare... thanks bye." Or at night when their son calls to say goodnight, a few times a week she'll talk with him for 15 min or so. She doesn't necessarily talk about her "pesonal life" but is more gossip, involving their mutual friends.

 

As for my ex's.... it's basically too late. I pretty much told them I couldn't be friends with them. Im certainly not going to recant, and toy with their emotions. Maybe at some point, I could explain to them and seek forgiveness, but who knows.

 

I do love her, and see a great future together, which is why this is SO DIFFICULT. If I didn't love her as much as I do, I would never have tolerated this much "drama"...

 

thanks for your post.

[tangi39]

sorry dude, but i totally agree with every word she said here. It is different because they have kids. And i can honestly say with my hand on a bible, that if i didnt have kids with my ex wife, i would never ever speak to her again for as long as i lived. Its purely for the kids.

 

But there's a difference- They seem to talk much more than is required for the sake of the child. She clearly wants to be friends with him.

He has no problem with her being friends with her ex. It's not an issue of him not accepting them being civil or even being close friends, if it was- I'd completely agree with you.

The underlying issue is she has a double standard of him not being able to talk to anyone from his past. Why can't he be on friendly terms with an ex if she can be ? Kids or not.

The issue IS that she won't admit she wants to be friends with her ex, and she's hiding behind her kid as the reason why he can't be friends with his exes. And then insulting him for realizing she does want to friends with him and asking why he can't be if she is.

That's rather rude and patronizing, don't you think ?

[Papillion]

Aaah, they talk at length about things not related to the kids??? Now thats a different story. Hmm.. not sure that's right.

[Papillion]

Thanks for the aggressive approach/advice. I really appreciate it. (and no, Im not being factitious.)

 

I did worry about that because of comments made in the past. (i.e. if you ever hurt me emotionally, I would consider going back to my ex for the kids sake, because I wouldn't want to find anything else...) We've discussed this at lengths, and she told me that she would never want to go back with him, period. Now she says, even if her and I should break up, she wouldn't go back with him. Its over, period. I have no choice but to believe her, eh?

 

I do see your point and certainly think its valid... but whats acceptable, and whats not?

 

Or am I reading into it too much?

 

oh god, i'm really sorry if i sounded aggressive, i didnt mean to!

 

if she said "I would consider going back to my ex for the kids sake, because I wouldn't want to find anything else", then yes, that would trouble me greatly.

[tangi39]

First, you're welcome. Anytime. Of course, it's better and easier if they can be friends. I just don't see why you couldn't be on friendly terms with your exes- gossiping, etc ?

 

As for the exes,

If the person is/was a true friend to you beyond the romantic inclinations, then it's never too late.

 

I understand, if you love someone you love them during the drama too.

 

I wish you luck, but please take this to heart- Don't let her in the future tell you what you 'can' and 'can't' do. IMHO, people who will ask you to cut out friends, exes, etc (UNLESS it's a danger to the relationship, that's a different case) have a high possibilty of thinking they can/should control other aspects of your life. In the future I highly recommend telling her that if she expects you to trust her, then she needs to place her trust in you.

Just my two.

Wishing you the best.

[Scoe141]

She did tell me that she wants to be friends with him, which would better their relationship for the children. She does say a lot of the times, he initiates the conversation and she listens. She told me that she doesn't "need or desire" to talk to him frequently, but lately there has been a lot of issues that they had to deal with. I apologize if I had misconstrued any of my posts.

 

I can picture the conversation now:

 

Me: I think there should be limited conversations with so and so, unless it has to deal with the children. If you want to talk about other things that are relevant to the family, or finances (they are still legally divorced, and are waiting for the hearing, and still own property together.) Then thats fine, I can totally accept that. But I am not going to be comfortable with you two talking every other day for 15-20 minutes. And if you don't want to see that aspect of your two lives let go, then fine. Stand by what you want, but I dont know if I would want to be a part of the hypocrisies.

 

Her: "You dont get it, I have no choice but to talk with him. He talks my ear off about his business ventures, etc. etc. She might throw in there that Im controlling, and again I dont understand."

 

Me: Well if you think talking with your ex and this frequent of a basis is worth more then making a concession for this relationship, and doing IMO the right thing, then I see where your priorities are.

 

What do you think? Too harsh?

[Scoe141]

oh god, i'm really sorry if i sounded aggressive, i didnt mean to!

 

if she said "I would consider going back to my ex for the kids sake, because I wouldn't want to find anything else", then yes, that would trouble me greatly.

 

Yes, I know... it did me too. Which is why I brought it up several times. She insisted, I "took it the wrong way", and that she would never go back with him. I think one of the biggest problems is that we dated too soon after their separation. It's only been 10 months for them...so I don't know whats acceptable and whats not. Im 28 and never been married or have any kids.

 

She did say their relationship is rare, and that most people who divorce, either hate each other or worst. I think thats great for the kids, but again there as to be boundaries.