Dating with an ex husband, shouldn't be difficult?

[tangi39]

The first paragraph sounds great. You need assurance that their relationship IS just about their child. And she should be able to give that to you.

 

Even so, if she wanted to she could easily say, "I'd really appreciate if we only discussed matters regarding the children" to her ex.

He only keep talking at length if she allows it. It's fine if they want to be friends, but I can understand how all the "extra" contact could make you uncomfortable, and she should be hearing you out on that regardless.

You probably worry if they remain close they could get back together. And you have every right to be afraid if she's gone as far as to insinusate that it's a real possibility.

 

No matter what, I would not tolerate her very belittling statements about you not "understanding". This is about you, her and an issue that you are concerned about- That she should hear you out on- no matter what !

[tangi39]

Yes, I know... it did me too. Which is why I brought it up several times. She insisted, I "took it the wrong way", and that she would never go back with him. I think one of the biggest problems is that we dated too soon after their separation. It's only been 10 months for them...so I don't know whats acceptable and whats not. Im 28 and never been married or have any kids.

 

She did say their relationship is rare, and that most people who divorce, either hate each other or worst. I think thats great for the kids, but again there as to be boundaries.

 

Eeek ! Then I'd REALLY be concerned about them being so friendly !

 

There DO have to be boundaries, and she does have a lot to prove to you right now- That she's over him, they won't get back together, she won't put you in the middle of "their" fights, that you will be a priority for her and not a rebound. Or just stability. Asking you to cut out exes when she still has SO much to prove- that'd be a huge red flag to me.

 

Of course, they'll still be in contact and if they can be friendly, wonderful.

BUT she is the one who has prove her devotion right now, not you. And that entails setting boundaries with the ex. Ones that you will be comfortable with. That's not unreasonable.

[Scoe141]

Thanks Tangi...

 

After last nights brief conversation, Im going to sit on it. See how it goes. If I see that she talks with him moreso, and doesn't acknowledge my feelings about it, then we're going to have some serious issues. The positive thing is that, she tells me 90% of the times they talk, and whats usually discussed. Not because I "want" to know, but because she knows it made me feel uneasy.

 

I definitely understand about the belittling statements. The other day when we were discussing this issue, she said "it wasnt her, it wasnt her ex but it was ME, that was having the issues about them talking." I certainly let her know that was completely false, ignorant and absolutely ridiculous.

 

I know they wouldn't get back together. its the mere fact she should practice what she preaches. I hope if we discuss this issue, (again) that I will see progress.. if I dont, then what?

[Scoe141]

Eeek ! Then I'd REALLY be concerned about them being so friendly !

 

There DO have to be boundaries, and she does have a lot to prove to you right now- That she's over him, they won't get back together, she won't put you in the middle of "their" fights, that you will be a priority for her and not a rebound. Or just stability. Asking you to cut out exes when she still has SO much to prove- that'd be a huge red flag to me.

 

Of course, they'll still be in contact and if they can be friendly, wonderful.

BUT she is the one who has prove her devotion right now, not you. And that entails setting boundaries with the ex. Ones that you will be comfortable with. That's not unreasonable.

 

You're absolutely right. I know people make mistakes, and tend to not hurt people. I know, or at least I believe her intentions are good, but like you said, I need to know where she stands on that. Friends is one thing, but her standing up for our relationship (which she has done numerous times to him), needs to be obvious. The only thing I can do, is tell her how I feel and see how she responds.

 

Here's how she feels about me: That she could see spending the rest of her life with me. She told me she wishes she had her two boys with me, and that she has never loved anyone more then me. That I'm the greatest guy she has ever met, etc. (and please dont think Im pompous, Im just trying really hard to deal with this issue.)

 

I really need some help on it. Thanks so much everyone.

[tangi39]

I definitely understand about the belittling statements. The other day when we were discussing this issue, she said "it wasnt her, it wasnt her ex but it was ME, that was having the issues about them talking." I certainly let her know that was completely false, ignorant and absolutely ridiculous.

 

I know they wouldn't get back together. its the mere fact she should practice what she preaches. I hope if we discuss this issue, (again) that I will see progress.. if I dont, then what?

 

This is the statement that worries me. You should NOT be blamed for raising concerns. Her saying you are the problem, IS ridiculous !

I can see this becoming a bigger problem if she won't take any responsability and just play the blame game. Really, her rationale is as ignorant as someone blaming their spouse for their own affair. "I'm not the problem, my mistress isn't the problem, YOU'RE the one who has issues with it. "

Well, duh ! Even if it's only an issue for one person. In a healthy relationship, our partner's concerns and worries (even if they're silly) SHOULD be a high priority and be heard and addressed.

We are all responsible for our own actions. People can influence us, sure. But at the end of the day, we make our own choices on what to do or not to. She chooses what type of relationship to have with her ex. Her blatant disregard for your feelings on the matter raises serious issues about the state of things. Like it or not, She needs to prove she is worthy of you, and you aren't just some contingency plan while she tries to work things out and get her life together. These issues should be addressed now, I know you love this woman. But I have serious doubts as to how this could work out long term if she won't respect you enough or put more concern into her ex than you.

The issue of respect and concern about your feelings needs to be addressed NOW.

[tangi39]

 

Here's how she feels about me: That she could see spending the rest of her life with me. She told me she wishes she had her two boys with me, and that she has never loved anyone more then me. That I'm the greatest guy she has ever met, etc. (and please dont think Im pompous, Im just trying really hard to deal with this issue.)

 

She needs to back up those words. They are meaningless if her actions prove otherwise.

[Scoe141]

She needs to back up those words. They are meaningless if her actions prove otherwise.

 

Touché

 

Well, when I talk to her I need to have a game plan. I need to be able to convey my point and my thoughts without her defending her actions to the point that leaves our conversation meaningless.

 

I always thought relationships were supposed to be so painless and smooth sailing?

[mrmaximum]

Touché

 

Well, when I talk to her I need to have a game plan. I need to be able to convey my point and my thoughts without her defending her actions to the point that leaves our conversation meaningless.

 

I always thought relationships were supposed to be so painless and smooth sailing?

 

All relationships ebb and flow with time, not to worry, there won't be a person on this site who will tell you there wheren't days where they thought their SO's resembled a brick wall in terms of their reception of ideas. I agree with Tangi on all points, she's dead on here. She's making far more demands than she should be and not taking any course of action to mitigate any of your points which are indeed valid. Is she living with you, and what is the status of the child, where does the little one fit into this? If they are with you (and this is what it sounds like) then what guarentee do you have that you are just a fill in for now? Not saying that she is a user or some sort of evil malicious person, but she may just be confused at this point. She says that she loves you, but then she makes unreasonable requests of your life and then tells you to swallow her dealings with her ex.

 

Hope you can work this out, but I do agree that there are some distinct red flags that this woman has raised. If she refuses to budge on this topic, you can bet she will be making more demands of you in the future.