It's FINALLY over...

[mariposa81]

I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year and a half this past Tuesday (my previous posts will give a little bit of background about what occurred in our relationship).

 

I was so tired of being tired...of his insensitivity to my needs and feelings, of his selfishness, of him not making me a priority, of him saying whatever he wanted at any given moment without regard to how it would make me feel, for his blaming me for our lack of intimacy because I didnt' "orgasm" easily..it was "too much work"...it was "easier to just watch porn", etc..., for blowing me off sometimes when I was sad or upset about something in my life when I just needed to talk, and for doing things sometimes that were just malicious and uncalled for. I was always there for him, always did things just because I know it would make him happy.

 

He didn't take me seriously at first, but then after he realized that I was serious, he began to tell me how much I meant to him, how much I was the one and that he messed up for not making me a priority and for not telling me what I meant to him and showing me, for cursing at me and being disrespectful at times when he was angry. He began telling me how he was going to buy a promise ring for me for my b-day (today) and how he had actually been planning on working on our intimacy issues and that he had bought some stuff the previous weekend so we could do so, etc. He said he was sorry for taking things out on me and that it would take him a long time to get over this because he thought he was going to marry me one day.

 

I almost broken up with him several and I mean, SEVERAL times in the past and I'm so tired of him pulling out all the stops when he thinks he's going to lose me. In the past, he always invites me to go to dinner with him to talk about things and goes promises about how he's going to change. Things change for about 2 weeks and go back to me being unfulfilled and unhappy.

 

This time, I refused his dinner and the long email expressing his feelings (a long email always comes from him at some point) that followed the next day and have decided that I will no longer put myself through this emotional rollercoaster of a relationship. I've sacrificed so much and tried so hard to make it work and lost some self-esteem in the process. I'm ready to be a happy person again.

 

He texted me wanting to know when he could come get his things. Based on past experiences with him, I knew he would use it as an excuse to talk to me and try to reconcile. So I told him that I would put his things (his cell phone charger, his razor, and a few pairs of underwear) in a bag outside my door and he could come get them whenever he wanted (we live in separate apartment complexes down the street from one another).

 

It may not even be over yet in his mind because he's always had control in his three past relationships when it came to the relationships ending. No woman has ever broken up with him before, no matter how he treated them. He's always called all the shots.

 

I felt a sense of relief, and I didn't cry and still haven't cried like I have in the past when we've had problems or almost broken up. But today, for the first time, I feel sad even though I know I deserve a lot better. He sent me a happy birthday text and I said thank you. I wanted so badly for it to work, but I couldn't see myself happy with him anymore because nothing ever consistently changes. I needed to put myself first for once and let this go because he's hurt me so much in our relationship, but it's still hard.

 

*sigh* Anyway, I just needed to vent and feel like I wasn't alone. If anyone has any tips on how to help me get through this, please let me know.

 

Thanks for reading.

[wizard71]

I think its a sad day when any relationship ends and no matter who ends it, its a sad time for both. I admire your courage to walk away knowing that this is not a healthy relationship for you. You cannot change them, you cannot waste your life trying. Just know that you deserve so much more from a relationship than you were getting and you have to stay with that thought.

I have no tips to make you feel better but just trust your feelings about this and give yourself a little time, as much as you need, and treat yourself to some pampering, make sure you focus on making yourself feel good.

peace to you x

[starlight40]

Your story is very like my own infact i could have almost written it! Ive been split up with my ex for a few weeks now but hes still been texting trying to get me back, i had been replying but it just goes from him being nice to really nasty when im refusing to have him back. Im going to make tomorrow the first day of NC. Alot of what youve been through rings true to me even down to the orgasm/intimacy part, i also find the O difficult which ended up with him withholding sex, he wuld only want it when he did and would push me away when i did, alot of the time when we did hve sex he didnt even try to help me get to the O!-very selfish indeed so i know how you feel. He was also a one to end things with me or fall out with me only to wait for days of me hurting to come crawling back saying he was sorry. I was never listened to when i had a problem either but when he did i was always there for him. These kinds of relationships arent healthy and i think youve definitely made the right decision from what youve said, you must have felt very undervalued and certainly not happy, i know its hard but youre going to be okay and at least this way youre giving yourself the chance to be truly happy one day xx

[mariposa81]

Thank you starlight. Our situations do sound very similar. The only difference is that my boyfriend had never been the one to break up with me throughout our relationship. I was the one who was on the verge of giving up several times and he would apologize profusely for whatever it is that he had done so that I wouldn't end it and give it another chance. That's why he probably doesn't think it's entirely serious this time...because I've almost ended it so many times before yet I've always given him another chance. He tried to pull the "I swear I'll change this time" line with me and I told him it was too little too late.

 

It's nice to know someone else out there can relate to what I'm going through. It's been less than a week since it's been over, so I'm hoping he'll continue to leave things alone and not contact me.

 

NC is definitely the best way to go. It ensures that they can't suck us back into the relationship, especially when we're vulnerable because we love them so much. That's why I refuse to meet up with him for him to get his things. Be strong. We deserve better and one day when we're ready, we'll have better. Since we're going through the same thing, feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

[Chrisanderson]

Mariposa,

 

Sorry to hear the circumstances of your situation. Based on what you wrote, you deserve better. Now here's a question for you: if over time, say 3 months from now, you decide to have limited contact with your ex; if you see that he's made an honest attempt at changing, do you think you'd consider giving him another chance?

[mariposa81]

Mariposa,

 

Sorry to hear the circumstances of your situation. Based on what you wrote, you deserve better. Now here's a question for you: if over time, say 3 months from now, you decide to have limited contact with your ex; if you see that he's made an honest attempt at changing, do you think you'd consider giving him another chance?

 

I think that if he made an honest attempt at changing, I think that I would give him another chance. I really love him, but I feel like he doesn't realize what he has until he's about to lose it. I feel like his promises to change when I broke up with him were just as they always have been in the past; just another instance of him making promises without thinking, that he doesn't know how to keep, just so he doesn't lose me.

 

He has made some changes throughout the course of our relationship, but overall, he still doesn't make me a priority and makes me feel so unimportant sometimes by flaking out on me (for example, making plans to go to dinner and waiting until after I'm dressed when he's supposed to be outside to pick me up to tell me that he "doesn't feel like it"), not being there for me emotionally, etc.

 

If he really took the time to think about things, understand what it means to change, and made a sincere effort to implement the changes, and I was able to see a difference in him, I would love to be with him.

[annie24]

hi mariposa - i remember your story. i think you did the right thing. and in fact, this isn't even your first breakup with him, he's had a long history of being insensitive to your needs, etc..... time and again, it seems like he's promised to shape up, would do so temporarily, and then would go back to old habits. i think it's time to move forward and never look back. you are a kick ass woman with a ton of great things going for you, i think you deserve only the best, and a guy who cherishes you. please don't talk to this guy ever again, no matter if he has promised to 'change.'

 

read the book, 'it's called a breakup because it's broken.' spend time with your gfs. clean your place, sign up for a new hobby/class. go to the gym, go for jogs, have fun. hang in there.

[annie24]

Imakes me feel so unimportant sometimes by flaking out on me (for example, making plans to go to dinner and waiting until after I'm dressed when he's supposed to be outside to pick me up to tell me that he "doesn't feel like it"), not being there for me emotionally, etc.

 

if a guy did that to me once, i would be sorely disappointed. if he did that to me twice, he would be dumped! that's bs. you deserve better than the whiny moods of some little man-child.

[mariposa81]

Thank you so much Annie. You do know alot about my history with him and have been there through many of my posts. Thank you for that.

 

This time there is no going back for me. I'm done with his empty promises to change which he only does to keep me in his life without even really thinking about how much work goes into actually changing.

 

I finally realize that I deserve better and as hard as it is, I'm going to do my best to stick by my decision to end it. Thank you again for your encouraging words. xoxo

[annie24]

hugs. you are going to be ok. you have a bright future and career ahead of you, sorry that this guy wasn't the one for you. you will be ok. now's a good time to take a girls' trip or a solo-trip somewhere you've always wanted to go. and that 'broken' book has a lot of really good tips!