How do I reset/ affirm the boundaries with her EX?

[TrueBrit]

I am divorced and have been involved with a separated woman for over two years now. She has recently sold the house that she owned with her husband. K and I have move in to a rented house with her children. Its not going too well and I find myself posting this message to look for direction in how to better understand and resolve the issues that have emerged.

 

Although still married she has started working with a mediator on dissolving her marriage

 

The weekend we moved in she asked if it was ok if her ex came over to the house after dinner, he hadn’t seen his kids that weekend and wanted to see how they had settled. I agreed it was ok. As we were having dinner he ran into the house and started shouting to put the TV onto the basketball play off game as there were only 20 seconds left in the game. He couldn’t figure out the TV remote so then went upstairs to watch the game. After the game had finished he came down stairs and started to help himself to the food on the table, drinks from our refrigerator and quiet honestly spent very little time with the kids. I was livid at his arrogant behavior and lack of respect. However being the first night the kids were there I said nothing.

 

I spoke about it with K and she agreed and said she would talk to him about what happened. Later in the week she told me that they had spoken and he was going to wait in the car when picking the kids up on future visits.

 

This still isn’t happening when he drops the kids off, he stays. Makes negative comments about were we are living, how * * * * ty our landlord is. Its almost like every time he opens his mouth he strikes a nerve with me.

 

She has always had a father / daughter relationship with him. Now he has started to tell me what I need to do around the house how to pay bills…. For god sake I’m 38 years old and don’t need this! While she may agree with my sentiments, I don’t feel that the message ever gets back to him or if it does he just wont listen.

 

Yesterday he brought the kids back paraded through the house. Followed me round the yard while I was clearing up. In the end I had to ask him to leave, told him I didn’t want his help.

 

While I know he is their father and will always be in their children’s lives. I just want him to leave K and I alone especially since we have just moved in together…..is that too much to ask?

 

How do I reset/ affirm the boundaries on what he can/cant do? I know some of you may say that I shouldn’t have gotten involved until she was divorced, however I am. Will it stay like this? Is my only choice to move out?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your partner needs a backbone...and it doesn't look like she is going to get one any time soon. SHE is the one that needs to set the boundaries with her soon to be ex. If she is unwilling to stand up to him then you might have no choice but to either live at your own place or walk away from the relationship altogether.

[novaseeker]

First are you certain that he cannot use the fact that you are living with his wife against her in court?

 

Second, yes she does need to draw boundaries, but I have to say that if this is what you are seeing now, it's probably not going to change much. The patterns of relating there have been set, and while of course it's possible to reset them, that doesn't happen very often, in my experience.

[gcollier2002]

Well... you can guarantee (because of the father/daughter rl he has with your gf) that she's not going to be effective in getting him to back-off... You really have 2 or 3 'real' options...

 

You could attempt to sit him down man-to-man and explain to him that you respect his domain if and when you are at his place and likewise he should respect yours when he's there... this will probably evolve into:

 

option 2 "throwing down"... in that case, make sure you bash him in the knee or get a really good shot in before he knows you're going after him... I would keep the cell phone handy and call the cops if things get too out of hand... remember all you have to say is "I was afraid for my life and my family's" and stick to it... LOL

 

option 3 would be leaving... but that's only if you can't whip him...

 

It is YOUR house, man. I would not allow some jerk to come in and tell me how to run my house, whether or not his kids live there... If he doesn't realize it, he needs to be 'made aware'.

 

Did I mention this is YOUR house?!

[DN]

This is something that your partner must deal with. I would tell her what your boundaries are and that she should tell her ex and make sure that he respects them.

 

If you confront him about this then it may turn even nastier and the children will start to resent you.

 

If she won't do what is necessary you may have to re-evaluate the relationship - or at least the idea of living together for now.

[tangi39]

While it is your house and you don't deserve to be disrespected,

understand that this is what you were getting yourself into moving in with this woman. The simple solution is have her move out.

 

You did get involved before she was divorced, which you fully understood.

So, by that choice, realize that this man still sees her as "his". So he is going to be more posessive, insulting you, and frankly, wants to see this relationship fail. He probably also has a fear that you will be replacing him as a father figure to his children. And thereforeee, he gets at you in the only way he can, by controlling his wife and direspecting you in your house.

Like it or not, she IS still his wife. And I'm NOT saying he's right. But that is what his view is going to be.

And even after they are divorced, he'll always be present in your life when dealing with their children. And keep in mind, You will never be in control of how they deal with each other, and if you try, you will only fail. I say this not to be pessimistic, but realistic. You aren't going to change a comfort zone between these people much as you may want to.

 

Firstly, you need to decide if this relationship is worth dealing with this man the rest of your life. Honestly, that is the reality of this situation and if you can't- Then you should separate yourself from this now. But don't get involved in a power struggle with him. You will lose by default since he is the father of her children. You can't pretend this won't be a constant issue.

 

If you Do choose to stay with this woman, not to be rude or seem heartless, but she really needs to get a place of her own to sort everything out.

Involving you right now in all her personal matters is selfish. She needs to deal with this alone until everything is settled. Plus, she needs to stand on her own two feet and make sure she wants you for you- not just as an emotional crutch to help solve her problems or just looking for a replacement father. The thing is- She probably doesn't feel the need to stand up to her husband because you are there. If she is ever to find inner strength and not just hop from one father/daughter type relationship to another then she needs to be on her own for a while. I think all of this moving in together- is too much too soon for both of you.

 

Time to step back and reassess what you want. Be honest with yourself.

Don't just try to be her "hero"- She needs to be her own. If it's not working, then it needs to change. You need to be in control of your own life. And she needs to be in control of hers- Right now, it does not sound like either of you are.

[TrueBrit]

If I am to be honest then I dont think she will "grow a back bone". She is very passive and avoids confrontation like the plague... I'm virtually sure that the conversation I had with her and the degree to which I was angry never go relayed back to him. She just thinks it should all get along and try to be nice to each other.

 

Could it be that although she is with me, she cares more about his feelings than mine?

[novaseeker]

It's probably not that, but, as you describe, if she is a conflict avoider, then she's acting according to her persona. And even people who are not conflict avoiders will often seek to avoid conflicts with an ex when there are kids in the picture.

 

I agree with tangi -- it probably would be best for you to live separately at least until the divorce is done and dusted.

[Excalibur]

The reason that she's with you is that "as the man" are supposed to protect her from this man who has no regard for her as a spineless jellyfish - but has rights and access to her as the mother of his children.

 

so she's always looking for someone to see her as the damsel in distress to this ogre she was married to and made babies with.

 

But if you're expecting someone who has no self-responsiblity, accountability, obligation, or representation to stand up and tell this guy "don't eat our food, don't insult my new man, don't come running in here screaming to turn on the TV" - you can think again.

 

h got with her becuase she was a spineless wimp...and she got with him to protect her from mommy and daddy and let her be a grown up - having sex and an independent lifestyle on his terms, as his expense.

 

You're his replacement...he's her latest version of "daddy to be avoided".

[Aurian]

She is probably just scared to make waves. She probably figures its easier to bury her head in the sand and hope "everyone can get along" than to stand up to her ex and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable.

 

Problem is, she needs to do this - if you step in, it won`t have the same impact.

 

Please sit down with her, explain that you have tried to ignore her ex but you find his behaviour offensive given that this is YOUR place with her and he is being disrespectful. Tell her that if things don`t change, he won`t change and its making you unhappy. Its really scary for a passive person to stand up, so try get her to understand that it is needed and support her.

 

If she refuses, I would wonder if this is someone worth having a relationship with, given that she cannot even TRY resolve an issue.

[tangi39]

If I am to be honest then I dont think she will "grow a back bone". She is very passive and avoids confrontation like the plague... I'm virtually sure that the conversation I had with her and the degree to which I was angry never go relayed back to him. She just thinks it should all get along and try to be nice to each other.

 

Could it be that although she is with me, she cares more about his feelings than mine?

 

Don't you see ? She is being very immature. She's basically asking you two to sort this out between yourselves- This is NOT yours to deal with, though.

This is HER problem. She is falling into the father/daughter trap with you too- by all but asking you to solve her problems for her. She needs to sort things out with her husband, not you.

 

She really needs to move out to learn how to handle adult problems as an adult on her own.

[TrueBrit]

When I have asked her why she ever got married to him, she admits she never really loved him. he provided a security blanket for her took care of everything and allowed her to spend what she liked.

 

Yes she does stick her head in the sand. A classic example of a responce from her when we are discussing an "issue" that she doesnt want to talk about will be " can we talk about this tomorrow" and she hopes I wont bring it up again.

 

I can see the merit in having her tell him. It breaks that bond or whats left of it. A friend of mine told me to ask him outside next time he does it and state ' You dont come in this house any more, Ask him if there is something specific he wants and if not tell him to leave".

 

I'm kind of upset that things are working out this way so soon after moving in together, we havent even unpacked everything yet. But I'm getting the message that the precedent has been set...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Bullies and aggressive people don't take hints. You need to be blunt with this guy and tell your girlfriend that she needs to deliver the kids to his house and you don't want him coming to your house.

 

But you have a deeper problem with this:

 

>>she admits she never really loved him. he provided a security blanket for her took care of everything and allowed her to spend what she liked.

 

Are you really sure you aren't filling a similar role for her? She jumped right from being with him right to being with you. And now she is expecting you to take care of her. Does she have access to your money, and is she starting to spend it?

 

This sounds like a situation you need to be very careful with. Don't give her access to your cash until you're sure you'll stay with her. And wear condoms so you don't get any surprise children to yoke you to her or provide her more money in child support if you decide to leave.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When I have asked her why she ever got married to him, she admits she never really loved him. he provided a security blanket for her took care of everything and allowed her to spend what she liked.

 

I wonder if you are fulfilling the same role. She moves in with you...you are now her security blanket and bank account. I bet she is actually hoping you will sort out her ex so that she doesn't have to. How are you going to sort out issues as they come up if she just buries her head in the sand and refuses to deal with them. Did she end her marriage or did her ex end the marriage? I would really seriously re-consider this relationship...there are so many red flags and it sounds to me that the problem you are having right now is just the tip of the iceberg. Let her sort out her own issues with the ex. Is she earning a living or is she counting on you for financial support?

[novaseeker]

A friend of mine told me to ask him outside next time he does it and state ' You dont come in this house any more, Ask him if there is something specific he wants and if not tell him to leave".

 

This won't work. He'll simply go to K and then he will be in the house again. K needs to either set the boundary (and enforce it) or not. He won't listen to you, to be honest, if his kids are in the house.

[tangi39]

Don't you see ? She is being very immature. She's basically asking you two to sort this out between yourselves- This is NOT yours to deal with, though.

This is HER problem. She is falling into the father/daughter trap with you too- by all but asking you to solve her problems for her. She needs to sort things out with her husband, not you.

She really needs to move out to learn how to handle adult problems as an adult on her own.

 

When I have asked her why she ever got married to him, she admits she never really loved him. he provided a security blanket for her took care of everything and allowed her to spend what she liked.

 

Yes she does stick her head in the sand. A classic example of a responce from her when we are discussing an "issue" that she doesnt want to talk about will be " can we talk about this tomorrow" and she hopes I wont bring it up again.

 

I can see the merit in having her tell him. It breaks that bond or whats left of it. A friend of mine told me to ask him outside next time he does it and state ' You dont come in this house any more, Ask him if there is something specific he wants and if not tell him to leave".

 

I'm kind of upset that things are working out this way so soon after moving in together, we havent even unpacked everything yet. But I'm getting the message that the precedent has been set...

 

 

I am going to reiterate again the bolded statement above.

This is NOT healthy !!!! Do you really want to be security blanket/daddy figure # 2 ? How do you know she "really" loves you either ?

I agree with Novaseeker, that telling him that really won't help.

Like it or not, the fact is they ARE still married and his children ARE living with you. If this is too uncomfortable, ask her to move out (and you should).

Not to mention the fact that you might now get dragged into the middle of a legal battle. Is she gonna ask you to "Handle" that for her too ?

And if you think things are sticky now.... the precedent is set with her husband, and if you don't change it for yourself, the pattern is going to repeat itself with her.

I Strongly recommend asking her to move out. This woman REALLY needs to grow up and learn to handle her own problems. Honestly, she is like another child living with you right now. And if you don't create a boundary, she's not going to let you out of that role either. It's one she is comfortable in- and sadly, she's not going to change unless she's forced to. This is HER husband NOT yours, why should you have to pick up the pieces here just because she is not mature enough to deal with real life ?

No one can or should be handling the situation except for HER.

She really needs to learn to be an adult, it sounds long overdue.

She may not like it, but it's really in everyone's best interest ( Especially the children's- who should be the main priority here) for her to move out.

[Excalibur]

People who avoid conflict and run from the consequences of the actions they take - they're easy to get into your bed - but they're hard to get out of your house.

[TrueBrit]

" She may not like it, but it's really in everyone's best interest ( Especially the children's- who should be the main priority here) for her to move out."

 

This would be the most extreme option and is definitely the resort I would take last. Maybe the last thing I would do is offer an ultimatum - either set the boundary an put him in his place or move out. Don’t get me wrong its not a hateful relationship that must end and believe me it would if I had her move out!

 

You are correct she does need to grow up. I can also see why its hard for her to turn her back her ex who has been her father figure for so long. Its like she wants to keep us both but I feel like I’m the only one pulling for us….

[tangi39]

[

You are correct she does need to grow up. I can also see why its hard for her to turn her back her ex who has been her father figure for so long. Its like she wants to keep us both but I feel like I’m the only one pulling for us….

 

It's great that you are such a caring and understanding guy.

However, even forgetting about the husband for minute- Do you want to be a person who does all the work in a relationship ?

If you feel you are the only one "pulling for you" - what makes you think that will change ? And more importantly, how do you know she's not just taking advantage of you if that is the case ? Is that the type of woman you want ?

I think you are giving her FAR too much credit though, she's clearly not THAT upset about losing him if she's already living with another man. But if you think she IS really highly upset, why did she move in with you so quickly- something to think about. What if you guys broke up ? Would she move in with another man right away ?

What you do is up to you.

But if I were in your shoes, I'd want her to move out to see if she really wanted me or was just using me to get through a tough time. Especially if she's the type of person who can't face harsh realities.

[tictactoe2006]

sounds an awful lot like my ex-wife to tell you the truth.

[Excalibur]

This is really simple - that she has no self-created identity, responsiblity, accountability or obligation - as made her your adoring fan, your delightful lover, she's done only what she believes it is the hallmark/kodak moments of life as an "adult" and you adore hving been the recipient of her need, and her adoration.

 

Now...there's a flip side - and you're beginning to see the tip of that iceberg now. She has no self-control, no self-awareness or self-discipline.

 

So when she puts you in credit card debt - it'll be because "she needs things she can't have any other way, and she's didnt' know she needed permission, but she wants forgiveness, while YOU Pay the debt, and still provide her with the lifestyle she has at the present."

 

When she's got the father of her children running your household, and you're all running around his agenda and schedule she'll throw up her hands and petulantly demand to know what you expect her todo - this is the FATHER of her children, he pays support, he has legal rights, and that he doesn't respect her isn't her fault, and it is now YOUR problem to deal with - in association with her.

 

And that's your bottom line....association causes impact.

 

So in life at al times we're obligated to look at the lifestyle, obligations in existence, the priorities and standards of the person we're choosing to affilliate with AS THEYARE NOW..not how they plan to be, wish they were, intend to become according to them....and evlauate if this person being like they are, with the situation as it is - is going to impede us from reaching our own personal goals and destiny.

 

If it is - we have an obligation to self NOT to affiliate with them...and if it's not, we're not impactedd overmuch by how they are, what they do, etc..thus no resentment or regret.

[TrueBrit]

Her ex while bringing the kids back this weekend decided to hang around for probably a ½ hour before I asked him to leave. This guy knows I don’t want him at my house yet he’s following me around and trying to help me get ready for the cook out we were having later that day. I tolerated it for as long as I could until he started rummaging around in the shed looking for garden umbrellas. I felt furious, asked her to tell him to leave, she so he’s just lonely. In the mean time he walked over to us both, I told him I didn’t need nor want his help. I told him to leave and do what ever he had to do…..he did.

 

Later that evening he came to collect their kids, as they were staying overnight at his apartment. He was in the house again getting the kids stuff together looking in the closet for snacks for the kids. I bit my tongue again.

 

It’s been quite the last 2 days. I said nothing. I realize being passive is not going to resolve the way I feel.

 

The way I see it I either:

 

1. Try to be proactive and bring up the way I feel. Tell her that he’s still intruding and NOT staying in the car as SHE told me HE would. She needs to put this right with him, IMEDIATEY. Maybe this will escalate if she says she won’t…. that’s when I state she should start looking for somewhere else to live. I know this will end in an argument.

2. Wait for the next intrusion (either Wednesday or Saturday), take him to one side, tell him my rules then throw his ass out. This will also generate and argument with her.

The message I’m getting here is that I need to stop doing things for her, I now see she’s trying to do what’s right for her. I need to stop being passive and stick up for me.

[Excalibur]

I think you're being rather unrealistic.

 

This woman has children with this man....and you claim that she's not well organized, self-suffficient and successful in her dealings with people, or in her life in general. She's more scattered, unorganized, manipulative and manipulatable.

 

So you're wanting her to have the kids spit shined, polished, packed and standing at the door so that his stepping up to ring the bell means they're shoved out the door with a wave bye-bye and "enjoy yourselves - kiss kiss".

 

That's not possible - that's not who she is.

 

And you want him not to be how he is - which is intrusive, invasive, controlling, and undermining - because all his life with this woman - and everywhere else - he does what he wants, because he wants - and anybody that doesn't like it can hit the road Jack, or else fall into line becuase i have what you need and can't provide for yourself.

 

You are not really in the picture....as far as they are concerned. Your house is a haven for her and his kids.....and your body and bed are her solace for her lack of identity and security.

 

But these two aren't capable of consider the needs, wants, priorities or standards of anybody else but themselves in the moment in which they live. Very literally, every second is a new second with these two - they want what they want now - because they want it now - and it could change in 10 seconds.

 

So I'd recommend you look at the big picture - and so intertwining what has no connection. and don't confuse connection with impact - becuase you're impacted by association - not by "connection".

 

This woman is not organized, prepared, on time, or successful in life anywhere - if she had been you wouldn't have wanted or needed to rescue her from herself and her action created plight. so realistically - don't expet her to become these things becuase you've given her a safe haven and some lovin'.

 

Her interaction with this man is becuase of a situation in which you have no control and no input. These children. sothe law says he has rights - and he's availing himself of them - whcih is his right, and fi he's meeting his obligation to the chidren and involving with them - kudos to him.

 

That he's doing it on your turf, and in a way that upsets you is not becuase of how he is...it's because you chose to associate with her - becuase of how she is - and their inactive dynamic hasn't changed which is why she left.

 

She thought 'leaving' would make it to where she didn't have to deal with him and his "ways" 24/7...and she's right. And so in having less involvement impact she's quite relieved...whereas you weren't subjected to him 24/7/365....and so you think this is quite invasive and over the top.

 

You'd also want to accept that for the sake of the children you're now raising - providing for, guiding, nurturing, teaching, and mentoring - you needto develop a working relationship with this man......and you all as "parents' to these children need to get along. It's not the orgy of sexual bliss.......but it's the organization of parenting/mentoring.

 

so while you don't like this man's attitude or style towards "your woman or you" - realize his status and his position require that you develop a working relationship of civility with the man...for the sakeof "your woman and her children".

[tangi39]

But how can you ?

SHE is the one who needs to stand up for herself if anything's going to change. And honestly, I don't see that happening.

 

You talking to him will do no good. You mean nothing to him, he does not owe you anything. You are after all living with his wife and kids and then asking him to respect you- You see why this a flawed plan ?

 

And all the possibilities you mentioned- no matter which you take- as you mentioned yourself- You lose. And are made to look like the bad guy.

You can't win in a losing situation- So you're two options are-

 

1. Change the situation - Kick her out

 

2. Or accept that you will always lose

 

Sorry to tell you, there is no happy medium here as long as she refuses to be an adult here.

 

If you stay together, you will see him all the time. In fantasy world, he'd come, stay in the car pick them up and leave. But that's not realistic.

What about birthdays ? Holidays ? Graduations ? Marriages ? Father's Day ?

Or God forbid one of them gets seriously ill or injured ?

This isn't a simple or temporary issue. This will be present for as long as she's in your life. He's not just some small incovenience- He's their father. There's no hiding from that. That will never change or go away.

It's unreasonable of her to think you two will ever be on friendly terms.

At best and with a lot of work, it will be civil at most.

So, do you think you can handle that ?

[hvzgg]

bro i give you the utmost respect for taking on such a challenge. to accept a woman's children as your own is a very honorable action.

 

this jerk may be their biological father but your girl and him aren't together, he's just around because of the children! it is essential you show compassion and empathy for him as the children are the number one priority in this delicate matter.

 

that being said, stick up for yourself. it can be as easy as putting a smile on around others but lay it down to him in private. let him know you're a bigger man than him and you know how to pay bills. remind him that you're a provider now, not just "the boyfriend!"