A cheater who can't move on? And the 'cheatee' who allows it?

[Johnathan]

How on earth and why does this happen? A woman cheats on her boyfriend of 5+ years. A one-time encounter. Afterwards, she feels horrible about it, informs him about what happened, she doesn't want to lose him, he's hurt like hell but doesn't want to lose her either, so they work things out, she cuts ties with the guy she messed around with, and the couple stays together.

 

Fast forward a few years. She does it again. A 1-time thing with another guy. Same result afterwards. She's devastated and ashamed by her mistake, he's devastated, but they don't want to lose each other because 'they love each other'...So once again, they try to work things out and stay together, she cuts ties with that other guy as well, but now the relationship is rocky.

 

Then, she meets me. And her whole world changes. As far as chemistry, it's a match made in heaven between us. She falls head over heels for me...in a way she never did with the other 2 guys she cheated on her BF with. I do too. Her relationship with her BF now falls apart. He dumps her when he finds out about me. She's heartbroken, but she moves into her own place, and a dating relationship (call it a rebound) with me begins. Everything is awesome for a 4 months. Then she begins to inform me that she still has strong feelings for her 'ex'. I hear thru a mutual friend that her heart is divided between me and him. A few more awesome months go by with no talk about her and him. But then one day she brings it up again and tells me she has too many feelings for him, too many mutual friends with him, too long a history with him to leave him, and that shes going to have to 'make a decision' soon. Our dating relationship is now officially compromised by this. I'm hurt, she's hurt, but we continue dating anyway.

 

Fast forward another month. I find out that she has been seeing and sleeping with him behind my back for months and months. I'm crushed. So is she. I tell her that she shouldn't be involved with either of us for a very long time because she has too many infidelity issues. She agrees. We stop dating. She tells me she's taking my advice and going independent. But then, behind my back, she moves back in with him and they resume their relationship. I don't find out till a month after the fact. I'm devastated. She's devastated that she lied to me and only did to to keep me from hurting.

He's been giving her some lame line about winning his trust back. She really really wants to take him up on that. He wants her back as much as she does.

 

She wants to resolve her issues by being in a relationship with him and 'doing it right this time'. I think thats a flawed way to go about it. My advice was that she should be on her own for awhile to work on her issues, because it's not about the relationship, it's about her and her alone, and she needs time to herself. Because real change starts from within. She doesn't agree with me when I say their relationship should be over. She really believes she can fix the infidelity problem with him by being with him if they're just given more time. I think that's BS but she doesn't agree. I tell her it's because she's weak and can't look at the relationship objectively, and she's biased because she has a TON of mutual friends with him that she feels she'll alienate if she's not with him. Nothing I say is convincing her to see the light and forget about him. The fact that she fell in love with me proves even further that their relationship is done. But nope, 7 years is apparently too 'good' a reason to her to want the willpower to leave him.

 

Okay. What I want to know is, what is wrong with this boyfriend of hers for putting up with this crap?? It has, IMO, proven to be a failed relationship, yet they both want to give it another shot. They both 'love' each other. I think he likes being her doormat (as I was, to some degree). Why do relationships like this last and last?? It's unfair to me. It's unfair to her, but she doesn't see it like that. And am I just full of crap? Can she really work out these demons of hers by continuing the relationship and just doing it right this time?

[midnightrambler]

kick her to the curb and save yourself the heartache and the trouble of trying to change someone

[karvala]

No, she won't work out her demons with this guy, and in a few more months that will become apparent. But she won't work them out with you, either, I'm afraid. She still has the cheater mentality at the moment, shown by the classic cheater line "she lied to me and only did so to keep me from hurting", which is central to every cheater's ability to continue to cheat ("it's okay for me to lie and deceive people, because it's for their own good").

 

At the moment she's being driven by her guilt. In time, when her doormat looks happy again, her guilt will dissipate and she'll once again go hunting for that which is missing in her relationship. Maybe one day she will realise that what is missing in her relatioship is commitment on her side, but until she does, she won't be good for anyone, you included. Let her go.

[orangesoda]

I would guess that she's very good looking, knows how to be seductive, and I don't mean that in the 'lingerie' type of seductive, but in the sense that she knows how to push people's buttons - what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. Some people are *very* good at manipulation. Look at car salesman - not all are the same. Some of them are very good at their job, able to convince people full of doubt. That's your girl right there. She's a very good salesman.

 

But she's also a very bad person. And she's an even worse girlfriend. She's told you how many times she's cheated on this poor BF of hers, she's cheated on you, she's basically cheated on every single guy she's been with.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, and I doubt you'll do it:

 

But you should cut all ties with her, cease all contact, tell her to stay out of your life, and then go get tested for STDs.

 

Then find someone with no baggage, no drama, and who has enough self-esteem and dignity not to cheat.

[HeartGoesOn]

No offense...But if she cheated on him with you, What makes you think she wouldn't cheat on you?

[Johnathan]

No offense...But if she cheated on him with you, What makes you think she wouldn't cheat on you?

 

exactly. She basically did cheat on me by the way. That's why I told her to be strong and take the painful step towards independence if she ever wants to break the cycle of hurting others and herself. But apparently I'm wrong about that and them being together will solve all her problems cause she can just redeem herself with him

[HeartGoesOn]

I understand what you're saying but she's not ready to be independent, and maybe never will.

 

She will end up dragging you down with her, and that's where you'll stay until you remove yourself from the situation.

 

I wish you well...Take care

[tangi39]

If you want the honest hard truth-

 

She's in love with him but wants and enjoys sex with other men.

She then feels guilty because she doesn't love these men but uses them as a high and for excitement and then goes back to her real love.

 

It's really not an uncommon thing- I'm sorry to tell you.

There are lots of people that are in love with one person but don't know how to be faithful sexually with them.

 

I'm also sorry to tell you, she never had any intention of changing nor did she ever take anyone (including you) seriously except her bf. Hence why she didn't take your advice.

 

You fell into the classic trap- "I know they are a cheater, but they'll be faithful to me " If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

But if she's stuck in that trap for life, then it's their choice to live that way.

Sad as it may be. Just don't get sucked in again. It's clear she loves him even if she has MAJOR infidelity issues.

 

So all you can do, let it go - move on- and learn from this mistake.

Don't date someone who is a multiple cheater but clearly in love with their SO if they keep going back.

[odile]

Well, to my mind, it is still doubtful that she loves her longtime partner, because I don't think that cheating enters into my definition of what love should be. Love requires trust, and honesty, and respect; things that she doesn't seem to even know the meanings of.

 

I think that this lady sounds like she has some real issues. For whatever reason, she lets her immediate needs come before the commitments she makes, much less regard for anyone else's feelings. So, I'll go out on a limb and disagree with tangi39-- no, I don't think she loves the man.

 

However, I'm sorry to say that it's possible that she never loved you, either. Not in any real/solid way..not in the way that you were prepared to love her. It sounds like she just needs people to feed her fantasies, and her ego, and fulfill whatever desires she's feeling at her whimsy. She'll use "the doormat", and anyone else who fits the bill as long as he'll/they'll take it. Someone like this can be extremely manipulative, and it's a shame that you've fallen prey to her. Just be glad you're not the poor guy that she's been screwing over for years.

[tangi39]

Cheating does not enter my definition of what love SHOULD be either.

But that does not mean people don't exist who love one person but sexually can't be faithful. I don't think it's right. I don't think it should be acceptable to the partner. And I agree, she has SEVERE issues.

But if she DIDN't love him why keep going back, even when with another man ? If it was just a dependancy issue, why not just rely on the new bf ?

There is clearly some feelings there that keep her going back to this one man. She doesn't just cheat, she tells him where she is and what she is doing - Why would she do that ? If she wanted to leave - she could. If she was just looking for man to take care of her - she's had lots of other options.

If she does not loves him, WHY does she keep him involved in every aspect of her life - even in her cheating ?

 

I do agree too that she probably has no real feelings for this guy or her other affairs.

The reason I say she does love her original bf, he's the only one she tells the truth to. Is it warped ? Yes ! Is it wrong ? Yes. Does she have major problems ? Absolutely ! Is this healthy ? Of course not. Is she selfish ? Completely.

But there is something about her original bf that she's can't let go.

You can't use rational thinking on an irrational person. And some people separate love and sex to such a degree that is makes no sense. But being incapable of sexual fidelity does not mean she does not love him. It makes no sense to me either and I certainly would not personally classify it as love in my own life , but it seems to make sense to her. You don't keep going back to someone who you don't love at least in some capacity.

[metrogirl]

How on earth and why does this happen? A woman cheats on her boyfriend of 5+ years. A one-time encounter.

Afterwards, she feels horrible about it,

informs him about what happened, she doesn't want to lose him, he's hurt like hell but doesn't want to lose her either, so they work things out, she cuts ties with the guy she messed around with, and the couple stays together.

 

Fast forward a few years. She does it again. A 1-time thing with another guy. Same result afterwards. She's devastated and ashamed by her mistake, he's devastated,

but they don't want to lose each other because 'they love each other'...So once again, they try to work things out and stay together, she cuts ties with that other guy as well, but now the relationship is rocky.

 

Then, she meets me. And her whole world changes. As far as chemistry, it's a match made in heaven between us. She falls head over heels for me...in a wayShe falls head over heels for me...in a she never did with the other 2 guys she cheated on her BF with. I do too. Her relationship with her BF now falls apart. He dumps her when he finds out about me. She's heartbroken

, but she moves into her own place, and a dating relationship (call it a rebound) with me begins. Everything is awesome for a 4 months. Then she begins to inform me that she still has strong feelings for her 'ex'. I hear thru a mutual friend that her heart is divided between me and him. A few more awesome months go by with no talk about her and him. But then one day she brings it up again and tells me she has too many feelings for him, too many mutual friends with him, too long a history with him to leave him, and that shes going to have to 'make a decision' soon. Our dating relationship is now officially compromised by this. I'm hurt, she's hurt, but we continue dating anyway.

 

Fast forward another month. I find out that she has been seeing and sleeping with him behind my back for months and months. I'm crushed. So is she

. I tell her that she shouldn't be involved with either of us for a very long time because she has too many infidelity issues. She agrees. We stop dating. She tells me she's taking my advice and going independent. But then, behind my back, she moves back in with him and they resume their relationship. I don't find out till a month after the fact. I'm devastated.

She's devastated that she lied to me and only did to to keep me from hurting.

He's been giving her some lame line about winning his trust back. She really really wants to take him up on that. He wants her back as much as she does.

 

She wants to resolve her issues by being in a relationship with him and 'doing it right this time'. I think thats a flawed way to go about it. My advice was that she should be on her own for awhile to work on her issues, because it's not about the relationship, it's about her and her alone, and she needs time to herself. Because real change starts from within. She doesn't agree with me when I say their relationship should be over. She really believes she can fix the infidelity problem with him by being with him if they're just given more time. I think that's BS but she doesn't agree. I tell her it's because she's weak and can't look at the relationship objectively, and she's biased because she has a TON of mutual friends with him that she feels she'll alienate if she's not with him. Nothing I say is convincing her to see the light and forget about him.

The fact that she fell in love with me proves even further that their relationship is done. But nope, 7 years is apparently too 'good' a reason to her to want the willpower to leave him.

Okay. What I want to know is, what is wrong with this boyfriend of hers for putting up with this crap?? It has, IMO, proven to be a failed relationship, yet they both want to give it another shot. They both 'love' each other. I think he likes being her doormat (as I was, to some degree). Why do relationships like this last and last?? It's unfair to me. It's unfair to her, but she doesn't see it like that. And am I just full of crap? Can she really work out these demons of hers by continuing the relationship and just doing it right this time?

 

 

You repeatedly say that she is devestated that she hurt you and the other people that she was involved with. That isn't why she's devestated, she feels that way because she got caught. Simple....

 

If someone makes a mistake and hurts someone they love, they don't go out and repeat the same mistake yet again and claim that they are devestated because they lied and cheated. That is a crock of s_ _ t!!

 

She cheats because she enjoys it. She lies because she can. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with one person for very long because she can't keep her eyes or other body parts from wondering.

 

You may think she fell in love with you, but if she truly loved you her heart, mind, and body would have been yours and not up for grabs by anyone else.

[Eire1]

Tang,

I think you've nailed this whole thing pretty well.

 

In some ways this woman thinks more like a stereotypical male. She can separate sex from love. She may love one guy, sleep with another, but her feelings for her boyfriend remain constant.

 

Perhaps she loves her boyfriend, but he doesn't excite her or is unable to please her in the sack. Maybe they have different sexual appetites. Maybe she wants more sex than he's willing to engage in. Something may not be right in their bedroom, but she loves him dearly as a confidante, friend, and life-partner - that seems clear.

 

Perhaps she is the type who can't help herself from believing the "grass is greener" wherever she isn't. I know people like this. It doesn't matter where they are - "over there" always looks better to them on the surface than "over here". And once they get "over there", they want to come home immediately.

 

Whatever is going on in her mind that instigates this behavior, she does seem to love her boyfriend on a level that she doesn't feel she can live without.

 

Relationships are complicated. Despite our ideal concept of "relationships" few people will be everything to you on every level. People within the first couple years of a relationship would tend to disagree with me. But I would say - "wait until after year three, and see how your relationship has grown stronger on many levels, yet things like intimacy and sex have begun to dwindle".

 

This is a natural cycle to most relationships. Different people deal with it differently. Most relationships fail during year 3, after the "excitement has wained".

 

I think she should try therapy, personally.

[stereoeclectic]

you lose them the way you find them in almost every case.

 

if they cheated to be with you, plan on being cheated on.

[littlestar]

sounds like she has serious issues and so has he to keep putting up with her and taking her back.

[Hollyj]

Forgive me, but why do you care? Obviously, she has no respect for you, the ex/boyfriend, and most importantly herself. Move on and forget about this woman.

[d24]

be vindictive and get her back into bed, and destroy her life.

oh wait no, that would be mean..

 

To be honest she's got serious infidelity issues and I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole. You're better off without her,so try finding a relationship where someone can fully appreciate you, and forget about this 4x cheating skank.

[TooInvlved1]

How many "one-time encounters" can a person have before they are no longer one-time encounters but instead a clear pattern of untrustworthiness?

 

"She's devastated that she lied to me and only did to to keep me from hurting. He's been giving her some lame line about winning his trust back."

 

Huh? You're in denial.

 

You asked what was "wrong" with him...but what's wrong with *you*? Don't you see YOU ARE HIM. You're doing the same things he did: believing the lies, taking her back.

 

I don't believe she's devastated. Yes, people can be addicted (to sex) and maybe she is. But often people are just selfish, immature and basically evil.

 

You helped her cheat on her BF. You're a cheater too. As someone else said, you lose em how you got em.

[Ben10]

Cheating does not enter my definition of what love SHOULD be either.

But that does not mean people don't exist who love one person but sexually can't be faithful. I don't think it's right. I don't think it should be acceptable to the partner. And I agree, she has SEVERE issues.

But if she DIDN't love him why keep going back, even when with another man ? .

 

Security? Not wanting to completely let go of a good man? Many reasons cheaters do what they do. People stay in bad relationships and go back to bad relationships for reasons other than love.

[Johnathan]

SOOOOO just to give a quick update...yes she is trying to 'win his trust back', they're living together, in a relationship, and guess what. She and I went on a roadtrip together last week, just the 2 of us (our sisters live in the same city). A roadtrip that she made him believe she was going on by herself. She told herself she'd resist any urge to mess around with me, but shockingly it didn't work and we had sex twice. Though she now feels guilty as hell about messing around with me (another shocker), she does not regret going on the trip with me (lol---because she does have feelings for me and we had tons of fun), BUT, refuses to come clean with him about the fact she cheated, and the fact that she lied to him about going on the trip solo.....we talked about all of this, and says she will never tell him. I called her an emotional cheater as well---even if we never touch each other again, everything inside her heart has changed for good now that I came into her life.

 

Here's my idea: I'm thinking of taking matters into my own hands and telling the guy myself that she cheated on him yet again. It's just a matter of getting his contact info, which won't be difficult, and I can either call/text him or send a letter. If I do this, I obviously will have no plans of keeping in contact with her from that point on because she'll probably hate me for awhile. But I'm pleading with her to tell him on her own before I take this action.

 

I've told her to not be selfish and just tell him what happened, and she's obviously terrified of doing so, because it looks like it may be the last staw for him (classic cheaters mentality). She's so terrified of telling him that it looks like she's not going to. Even though she admits she's selfish for it. I feel strangely good because I'm in a position of power now that I hold info he's not supposed to know. If she doesn't tell him herself, I'm going to blow this thing up and tell him myself and not look back. Good idea?

[Deaths Kitchen]

I've told her to not be selfish and just tell him what happened, and she's obviously terrified of doing so, because it looks like it may be the last staw for him (classic cheaters mentality). She's so terrified of telling him that it looks like she's not going to. Even though she admits she's selfish for it. I feel strangely good because I'm in a position of power now that I hold info he's not supposed to know. If she doesn't tell him herself, I'm going to blow this thing up and tell him myself and not look back. Good idea?

 

I'm inexperience with this whole subject matter, but I'd be worried she would change the story when she does tell him. Regardless of who tells him, he deserves to know. I hope he doesn't waste his future life with her.

[BellaDonna]

Thread closed for flaming.