He's divorced with kids....

[BowieRox]

I've worked at my job for over a year now. I have a regular customer who is a good looking mid 30's man. He is divorced with three children. I've been exposed to the children for about ten months now. I know their names, birthday, etc and they know as much about me.

 

A few months ago he and I started flirting a lot more than usual. He started to come in and see me without purchasing anything, and he would stay and talk for a half hour at a time. He and his kids even brought me a gift for my birthday.

 

Well a few weeks ago, he finally asked me out. I said yes. We had an incredible date. We watched a movie, jumped on the trampoline and talked all night. We really were able to get to know each other. And neither one of us could wipe the smile off of our faces.

 

I absolutely adore him and his kids. But he and I both don't know what we are and if its a good idea to bring me into the picture with the kids. He has been divorced for a year and hasn't dated anyone. While his ex is already married with a new baby. So not only is this a big deal for his kids, its a big deal for him as well.

 

Last night I went over and he had his kids there. His daughter warmed up to me immediately and so did his youngest son. But his middle son was a little more hesitant. We're both confused and don't know what to do.

 

Not only do we have his children to think about and whether or not its good for them, we do have to think of our age difference. I'm 20 and he's 36. We don't care about the difference, but his oldest is only 9 years younger than me.

 

Any advice?

[moto_rider]

if you like him and can see yourself in a long term relationship with him and he likes you back i'd say its great. the kids like you which is a bonus. 1 kid may or may not like you right now but im sure you can change that with your personality.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Right now it is all fun and games with the kids...but at 20 years old do you really want instant family. With children come all kinds of problems...it is not all fun and games...especially as the kids get a little older than they are now. This man in 36, his wife remarried, what better way to show the world a thing or two than getting together with a 20 year old. You are young with your whole life ahead of you..why get saddled with a man who is heading towards 40 and has not one, but 3 children. Right now it is fun because he is wooing you. He is not being very responsible by introducing you to his children this early on. He is also not being very responsible to you...he should know better than to drag a twenty year old along for the ride with his 3 children and all the responsibilities that are involved. I am not much of a proponent of relationships with large age gaps...but when the couple is 30 and 46 they are both well into adulthood to have a clearer picture of what they are getting into. At 20 years old, you are just fresh out of your teens and there are lots of much older men who want to feel virile so they go after the 20 year olds. My opinion would be for you to go out there and date men closer to your stage in life...go out and have fun...don't get saddled with a much older man who has three children to take care of.

[BowieRox]

I've thought about that. A lot actually. Being there last night with his children wasn't the firs time I had met them. They know me, they ask about me when I'm not at work. They're good kids.

 

I've thought over and over that its fun for him because there is a 20 year old interested in him. But we've haven't had any sexual contact and we've been seeing each other for three weeks. If that were the case, I would have thought he would have pressure more for sex. But its never been an issue. Our intimate contact is holding hands and having an arm around one another.

 

I've always had the mentality of someone older than my age. I grew up too fast and I'm ok with that. I don't like being around people my age because about 90% of them want to party and jump into the sack etc. But I don't. I work full time and go to school full time and I enjoy that. I do like having my days off, but all I do is sit at home, read, watch movies, etc. My friends tell me I'm a 40 year old in a 20 year old's body.

 

I'm not shutting out the idea of him wanting someone exciting and young, but I'm certainly not exciting and I'm not feeding his young school girl fantasy, if that's what it is. And I know that I kids were exposed to their mom's new man before their father and her were even divorced.

 

So my thoughts are he is being much more considerate in the fact that its been a full year before he has even considered dating anyone while she jumped into it before they were divorced and was immediately pregnant and married as soon as the divorce was final.

 

I want to think about the kids because I know it has to be incredibly hard for them. The oldest is 11, then 10 and 5. But I care about him a lot, and I think he's really starting to care for me too. This is just so confusing.

[KG]

Go with your heart! Try to nurture the relationship with the kids. This could work!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Dude - Sounds like you really like the guy, AND his kids. He's gonna start dating eventually. Better to start with someone who likes his kids so they adjust to the experience even if it doesn't end in marriage.

 

I doubt anyone expects it to be an instant family just cos you start dating. And don't shoot for that or think you have to be in tight with his kids just cos you're dating. Cos then if it DOESN'T work out...

 

Well - you get on with his kids, he and he get on great... what else is there? See where it goes. Kids are cool and are much more resilient than we ever expect.....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is one thing to be more mature than the rest of the people your age...but still, the harsh realities of being with a much older man with 3 children will eventually come out, if not now, a year from now, two years from now. Just because he is not pressuring you for sex after 3 weeks, doesn't mean he is not getting an ego boost by having a 20 year old hanging on his arm in public. He may have been more considerate than his wife, but that is not saying much. Introducing your children to someone you have only been dating for three weeks is too soon. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but I think it is worth looking at things realistically rather than ignoring the obvious pitfalls. For now it is fun...but make sure you really understand the realities of rearing 3 children..and really ask yourself if you are ready to take on the responsibilities of someone else's children as they go through the various issues of growing up. What if you want children of your own one day? Will he want even more children? Will he be physically able to keep up with the demands of a newborn, toddler etc when he is in his forties after having done it 3 times already. What are your future goals? Do you want to travel to interesting places or do you want to spend your twenties going to Disney World with his children? What about school? Are you in College? Job prospects...ever thought of moving to a new city?

[BowieRox]

Its not like I haven't dated older before. I usually do date older. My last serious boyfriend was 29 and had a 3 year old kid. He didn't have custody so the child wasn't in the picture but he still had a child to worry about none the less.

 

I understand your point of view, things are confusing, difficult and could change instantly. He's a very humble man. I know that almost every older guy would kill to have a younger woman on his arm, but honestly, he's way better looking than I am. I wouldn't be too excited to have a 20 year old girl that looked like me on my arm if I were him. His ex wife is gorgeous, I'm nothing compared to her. But when he talks about her, there are clearly no feelings left for her.

 

He is kind and generous and he loves those kids to death. He and discussed meeting his children and we were both uneasy about it. They just happened to still be awake when I got over there.

 

I do want children. I come from a big family and I want a big family. He and I were talking about it one night. Not as in planning a future family together, but just in general. He did not sound at all opposed to have more children. And men have children in their forties all the time.

 

Yes I am in school. I have 8 years left to finish before I get my final degree. And with my schedule and future career paths, I probably won't even be able to have a child. And I am moving to a new city, in fact. But the city I am moving to, he has family in. Most of his family is there. I know that if things were to get serious, he would be able to move there no problem. And I know he wants full custody of the children.

 

I'm not ashamed of the age difference. My aunt is ten years older than her husband. And one of my families closest friends is eleven years younger than her husband and they've been married for 20 years.

 

I know I have so much to think about. And he and I have a great deal to discuss if we both feel that we want this to further.

[ghost69]

wow. huge age gap. and a huge lifestyle difference. i'm sure this guy would love to date a 20year old.

 

if you can handle this situation, then go for it. but why would you? i'm curious cause you have so much more opportunity out there. plenty of guys with no kids, single, and younger.

[BowieRox]

i've never liked dating guys my age. The youngest serious boyfriend I have had was 25 and I was 18.

 

Boys my age are usually lazy, immature, party and drink and/or do pot. I'm not that kind of person. I go to school all day, 5 days a week, and work 40 hours a week. My down time is sleeping. I'm happy with that.

 

I understand the difference is tremendous, but people do it all the time. I could care less how old he is. One of a best friends is 19 and just married a 42 year old. They're in complete bliss.

 

I'm defending this and yet I'm dying for input. I've been hurt so many times. I can't put faith into anything no matter how much I seem to care about someone. And sadly enough its always the younger guys that destroy me.

[novaseeker]

Leaving aside the age difference, the main thing you want to consider is whether you are comfortable (1) competing for his attention with his kids and (2) parenting kids that are not your own. Seems far fetched to think about after one date, I know, but it's important in these situations to think clearly about potential outcomes so that you can be comfortable with them before getting in too deeply. You should think about each of those carefully and answer them honestly.

 

As for the kids now -- I honestly think it's best *not* to see them that much at the beginning, for their sake. What you don't want is for them to bond to you in some way, and then the relationship goes south -- that will hurt the kids a lot, especially if they kind of begin to look at you as a mother figure in a way. SO I'd encourage you, if you do pursue this, to try to spend most of the time away from the kids if possible -- again, for their sake -- at first. As things go down the road and it becomes more clear that this relationship works and is stable and has real LTR going on, then it's more appropriate to increase time around the kids and integrate with them more closely.

[Iceman26]

wow. huge age gap. and a huge lifestyle difference. i'm sure this guy would love to date a 20year old.

 

if you can handle this situation, then go for it. but why would you? i'm curious cause you have so much more opportunity out there. plenty of guys with no kids, single, and younger.

 

I agree. Yes I understand you are more mature than most 20 year olds, but see how often you get alone time with him.

 

I could see maybe dating a guy with one kid, but three? I know I couldn't (and wouldn't) handle it.

[BowieRox]

I agree that there are potential problems, many of them, in fact. But I've been taking care of kids since I was ten years old. I realize its greatly different than being in a relationship with a man that has children. But I've been in ever situation possible when it comes to children. Whining, sick, needing to go to the hospital, and I've done it all myself.

 

I don't know that. I really care about him. And I can see he really cares about me. This is just an incredibly difficult situation.

[dream83]

I think if you want to pursue it it's okay for now. The main thing I would suggest is just keeping it light and easy since it's still very early.

 

For example, it might be better to spend time outside of the house and away from the kids if he can manage that (i.e. when the kids are with their mom, a babysitter, or whatever). That way you can sort of see how things are going to work first without having to worry about completely exposing them too soon. I see nothing wrong with them continuing to see you at work, however, because that's what they've been doing all along. I just think that maybe they shouldn't know so soon that their dad is dating you. I think you two really should see how this is going to work and where it could potentially go before you get them more involved.

 

The main thing, I think, is just taking it easy and getting to know him and his situation more and taking the time to figure out where and how you could fit into each other's lives if this is something you both could potentially want for the future. Just try to take it slow.

[BowieRox]

Well no worries now I guess. His wife won't let us happen. She found out about me. Who I was, where I work and how old I am. She came into my work place looking for me raising hell.

 

So its more than likely over. I suppose its for the best.