I got asked out on 2 dinner dates, but not interested in the men: should I reject..?

[Lily04]

Hey all...

 

So I recently met 2 guys at a friend's birthday party. I invited them out to another party afterwards, as it was with the same group of friends, and we get along pretty well. I should say that I don't have many friends in the city, and I am trying to meet new people all the time, whenever I go out to sort of build a friend base. I've been feeling very lonely & isolated lately... so meeting friends is important to me. Anyway, the problem is that most guys who I would like to become "friends" with are attracted to me, and after I tell them I only want to be friends, they either go crazy & never want to speak with me again (well only 1 guy did this actually... he couldn't handle rejection lol) or just end contact altogether. Or things become awkward and they say "yeah, let's be friends" but never invite me out or anything...

 

So anyway I like these two guys but not in the way of dating... I felt bad when they asked me out as I knew they really liked me though and I couldn't really say no. SO I just said 'yes' casually, and tried to make it seem low-key. Now, one guy said he'll give me a call this weekend and would like to take me out on Tuesday, and another guy asked me out to a nice restaurant on Wednesday. I don't want to lead them on but at the same time, they seem really cool and I don't want it to be like the other guys where they never talk with me again as a result either. I don't have many female friends for whatever reason - mostly acquaintances.....

 

Do you think I should say no? Or make it clear that I'm not interested and ask if we can just go as friends? (the probelm with this is that often guys will say "oh that's cool" but then proceed to hit on me, hoping there's some possibility for more after I "get to know them better" whereas I am not at all physically attracted to them, so there's no possibility of that happening....) If anyone knows how to diplomatically go about this, please let me know... I don't want to hurt their feelings and don't want to lose more guy friends either...

[CaptainNapalm]

Well if you want to give off a clear idicator that you aren't interested to date these guys but you would like to hang out just tell them that you are dating someone at the moment but would love to hang out as friends. If you say this to a guy he will either lose interest right away or go out with you on a friend level. Most guys would not try to hit on you if you firmly say you are dating someone else but some might go out with you just to hang out.

[bmwm3]

yes... reject the dates.... think about it... these guys prob like you and would like it to eventualy date you.. if you guys got along well... how would you fell if you liked a guy and went out with him.. but he already know he would never ever want anything from you.. wouldnt you feel like he was wasting your time... if you already know you want nothing from these guys do not go out on a date with them... but if you feel there could be something then go ahead... but its not cool to waste peoples time and money....

[orangesoda]

^ what he said.

[Lily04]

That's a great idea... when one guy wouldn't let up on me, I finally lied and said I had a boyfriend and if he still wanted to get together, but that was the one who went crazy and said he never wanted to speak with me again, and proceed to block me on all contact lists :S he was sort of ... weird. Anyway, I could say that I am seeing someone but there's 2 problems with that: (1) I am pretty sure our mutual friend already told one that I am single, and I think that's how he got the confidence to ask me out for dinner (as she initially told me that he told her he was interested in me, and wanted to know if we could continue in conversation or something like that... basically he asked my friend if she could ask me if I liked him. I told her at that point that I wasn't interested... but after the party, he proceeded to ask me out anyway..) (2) on Facebook, our mutual friend posted a pic of us and this hot waiter and all these girls were saying how cute he was on the photo, etc. and my friend noted that I should have flirted with him, as I was still available...

 

I'm pretty sure both of them would have taken interest in that photo and saw the photo comments so I don't know if I should say that I am dating someone? Since my friend would know that's not true, either...

[Lily04]

how would you fell if you liked a guy and went out with him.. but he already know he would never ever want anything from you.. wouldnt you feel like he was wasting your time...

 

Not necessarily... that's what I hate. Why can't girls & guys just be friends?? If we get along well, have the same interests, etc... if I tell them I'm not interestesd, I have a feeling they'll never want to speak with me again and it will be awkward when we see each other at the same parties in the future, etc...

[CaptainNapalm]

I still think that regardless of what you have on Facebook or what your friends may say about your relationship status, if you tell the guy you are dating or seeing someone you are giving off a direct hint that you are taken at the moment and offer of friendship only is immediately noted. Besides, you could have just met someone and you didn't inform your friends about them and the pic on facebook is from the past so may not apply to your current situation. From a guy's perspective if I asked a woman out and she said I would love hang out but so you know I'm seeing/dating someone at the time, I would still want to hang out with her but would definitely not advance for that reason. I would not want to come off as a disrespectfull jerk so I would cater to your friendship offer. Trust me it's a good way to filter out the ones that only want to date you.

[bmwm3]

I am not saying you guys cant be friends..... but if they wanna take you out on a date... chances are they want more then just to be your friend... would you feel good and enjoy there company.. if everytime you guys are hanging out. they were always hitting on you or wanting to get with you.. it would be a little annoying... let both of them know before you guys go out.. that this will never go anything beyond a friendship.. and see what they do... they might say ok... but have alternitive motives.. on being your friend to get to you in other ways... seen many guys do this...

[CaptainNapalm]

I agree with Lily04, seems to me like these days it's almostweird if you meet someone from the opposite sex for friendship, almost always one or the other will want something more and if they don't get it the just bug off. It's a joke really.

[Lily04]

I agree with Lily04, seems to me like these days it's almostweird if you meet someone from the opposite sex for friendship, almost always one or the other will want something more and if they don't get it the just bug off. It's a joke really.

 

Not really. I know lots of girls who just have "guy friends" - both of them may already be taken, in fact, but still enjoy each other's company as friends. Why can't I have this too??

[bmwm3]

captain- you agree with lilly on what.. you seem to go back and forth on things... LILY04- you are right on girls these days are friends with guys... my last 3 girls i dated had anywhere between 6-10 guys friends... to me its weird because i know how guys think.. and might want more.. but it seems to be the norm these days.. girls tend to have more guy friends then girls... girls like to compete with eachother and theres lots of jelousy.. between girls.. being friends with a guy makes it easier for a girl to be herself... but you have to make it clear to the guy that you want nothing more... and if the guy is respectfull and would value your friendship. then he will never cross that line...

[Lily04]

captain- you agree with lilly on what.. you seem to go back and forth on things... LILY04- you are right on girls these days are friends with guys... my last 3 girls i dated had anywhere between 6-10 guys friends... to me its weird because i know how guys think.. and might want more.. but it seems to be the norm these days.. girls tend to have more guy friends then girls... girls like to compete with eachother and theres lots of jelousy.. between girls.. being friends with a guy makes it easier for a girl to be herself... but you have to make it clear to the guy that you want nothing more... and if the guy is respectfull and would value your friendship. then he will never cross that line...

 

Ok, thanks. I think one of the guys seems decent & may be alright with just being friends. He seems more down-to-earth/less aggressive than the other guy. The other guy... is more competitive, looking for a gf, and I have a feeling if I ask to just be friends, he'll continue to hit on me regardless... until he gets the hint eventually that I'm not interested, in which case he'll cut me off entirely.

[Lily04]

I think I will just brave the brunt and tell them both that I just wanted to be friends and would ask that it not be interpreted as a date... don't know if I should tell them I'm dating someone else though...do you think I should?

[JadedStar]

Most guys who ask you out are not looking for a friend. if you are not interested decline it if you only want another pal.

 

They probably have plenty of pals and are interested in dating you

 

In fact it hurts some guys more for the girl to accept the invite only to get the dreaded let's be friends speech.

[Lily04]

Most guys who ask you out are not looking for a friend. if you are not interested decline it if you only want another pal.

 

They probably have plenty of pals and are interested in dating you

 

In fact it hurts some guys more for the girl to accept the invite only to get the dreaded let's be friends speech.

 

Well, it may hurt more, but I should probably be honest with them. When they first asked it was sort of casual and I didn't really want to decline I guess....I should be more clear now, however. I'm not going to say I'm dating someone though...if they keep hitting on me with the anticipation of being more than friends, then I will tell them that.

[Shudder]

Most guys who ask you out are not looking for a friend. if you are not interested decline it if you only want another pal.

 

They probably have plenty of pals and are interested in dating you

 

In fact it hurts some guys more for the girl to accept the invite only to get the dreaded let's be friends speech.

 

 

some wise words here!

[Lily04]

OK guys. This is what I wrote. I think I'll send about the same message to both guys...

 

Hey,

It was great seeing you at ___ as well! Sushi sounds alright, although perhaps I should say that I'm not really interested in dating... so if you just want to meet as friends, that would be good, but I don't want to give the impression of leading anyone on, either. Let me know if that's OK with you.... hope you had a good weekend!

 

Lily

[Batya33]

I would make it simpler - leave off the "leading on" part - after all they just asked you out on one date.

 

"Thanks for the invite to dinner. I'd love to go and get to know you better. I am always looking for cool friends even though right now I'm not looking to date anyone."

[Lily04]

I would make it simpler - leave off the "leading on" part - after all they just asked you out on one date.

 

"Thanks for the invite to dinner. I'd love to go and get to know you better. I am always looking for cool friends even though right now I'm not looking to date anyone."

 

That's great, Batya, and I'll keep it in mind for the future if need be! But I already sent the message to both, so I can't revise now... for some guys, accepting a date with no intention to date can be seen as "leading them on" so I suppose that's why i put that in. I was just trying to be curteous but saying I didn't intend to do that...

[Batya33]

Oh, it's fine I just found it a bit heavy-handed/too much information - it's implied that you're making it clear so you don't lead them on - no real need to drive the point home and evoke the "look, I just asked you out to dinner, it's not like i'm head over heels with you."

[DN]

I think you should accept the fact that most men will want to date and not just be friends. So don't get upset if they both decline to meet you. If you do go to dinner with them make sure that you pay your share just as you would with any other friend.

 

If you are successful in making friends with one or both of them, you should also be prepared for the friendship to be ended if they do find a woman who wants to be in a relationship with them.

[Lily04]

 

If you are successful in making friends with one or both of them, you should also be prepared for the friendship to be ended if they do find a woman who wants to be in a relationship with them.

 

This has happened to me before, and so I am aware of that possibility. I don't quite understand it though... it basically makes it quite obvious that they were only "friends" with me, stringing to the fair hope that it would one day lead to more... and when they find someone new, that hope gets cut off so they cut off the friendship entirely... they were basically just deluding themselves the whole time. In some ways... I think women are a lot more pragmatic than men for this reason, lol

[Batya33]

One of my closest male friends is someone who asked me out on a date 15 years ago, i politely declined, we both pretended he never asked and we've been close friends ever since. I am now also friends with his wife. Typically, it's better if things start out without the man asking out the woman and it's not true that all men hope for more in a friendship. You will have more luck on the just friends front if you meet in contexts that are not dating oriented - i.e. you're probably not going to meet a friend at a club, a singles dance, etc.

[LostInFlorida]

This has happened to me before, and so I am aware of that possibility. I don't quite understand it though... it basically makes it quite obvious that they were only "friends" with me, stringing to the fair hope that it would one day lead to more... and when they find someone new, that hope gets cut off so they cut off the friendship entirely...

 

 

or it could just mean that their new girlfriend is not ok with them hanging out with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Speaking for myself, early on in a relationship, I wouldn't want to give my new girl anything to "wonder" about. And having an attractive "friend" hanging around would definitely give her cause to wonder.

[DN]

This has happened to me before, and so I am aware of that possibility. I don't quite understand it though... it basically makes it quite obvious that they were only "friends" with me, stringing to the fair hope that it would one day lead to more... and when they find someone new, that hope gets cut off so they cut off the friendship entirely... they were basically just deluding themselves the whole time. In some ways... I think women are a lot more pragmatic than men for this reason, lol

I agree with LostinFlorida. It is much more likely that they don't want to jeopardise their relationship - or their new girlfriend isn't happy about the friendship. In which case they are the ones being pragmatic.