The break up

[xtiarax]

I have written a text to send to him about not wanting to be his friend but i am only going to send it wen he texts me to go and see him. I was chatting to his mate last night which was not a good idea as i have arranged to meet him at the weekend and i do not know how my ex is going to react, he may be fine about it but he may hate me forever. I do not like his mate in that way but he likes me and has said to me that he does before me and mark(my ex) went out, i chose mark and turned his friend down and i made a mistake doing that. The thing is i would only be going out with him for the sake of getting back at my ex and i do not think that this would be fair on his mate, as i would only be going out with him to get back at mark. I gave his mate my number and said that me and him could text each other which i now think was a bad move.

[xtiarax]

The thing is im 18 as many people have said and they say that i have my whole life a head of me and that is all very true, but i do not think that i can bare the thought of him being with someone else but me, sound selfish but i cannot. I do not want him to find someone else and like them more than he did me. I just want to be with him but i know now that he only wants to be mates and nothing more and that saddens me a little. As i know that when i hang out with him as a mate i will not be able to do the things that i used to with him. and when we are out and someone asks him out in front of me there is nothing stopping him from saying yes, which before i was his gf and he couldnt say yes.

[xtiarax]

I am really worried as when me and my ex were together i saw on his facebook that he was invited to an erotic party by his mate and he accepted it, the thing is i am worried that he will meet someone there as you know wat those parties are like, he will see some girl not wearing much and then date her and i know i cant stop him but i dont want it to happen

[xtiarax]

I think i want to forget guys for a long while that includes my ex, i have an exam tomoro and i intend on focusing on that and not my ex. I have turned off my fone and left it somewhere where i will not be likely to want to keep going. I am fed up of waiting for him. he hurt me i cant forgive him ever.

[xtiarax]

Last night i cried a little about Mark but i feel alot better today, i just wish that whoever he is with now cares for him the way i did and when he is ill take care of him like i did, doesnt care about him for his money like i never, just is happy to be with him like i was. I hope that she loves him the way i did and doesnt break his heart like i never. I remember when i went round one day and there was a small kid around his house i dont know who it was but i know it was his family remember and Mark sent him out to check if i was coming and the little boy saw me and ran in the house and told mark and then mark came to the door that was very cute. I just hope that whoever he is with now appreciates him and like him for him, and is proud to call him their bf like i was. I hope that he is very happy with her and that she makes him happy too. I hope that when she doesnt see him she misses him the way i did when i saw him and then had to go to college or he had to go to work. I hope she never cheats on him like i never and loves him more than i did.

 

And when he upset about not passing his driving test she makes him feel better the way i did and tells him that she is proud of him no matter if he passed or failed like i did. I hope she does everything that i did but better to make him happy, and i am sure that she is doing that right now as i write this.

 

Although i am his friend right now i love him so much and i guess i would rather have him out of my life than pretend that i do not love him no more. When i last phoned him which was Wednesday i think, i had to lie to him and tell him that i was not into him at all now, which i was and that hurt and also tell him that i was fine and never said that i missed him when i wanted to say it but couldnt. I have to pretend that i do not love him and do not want him back and that hurts when all i want to do is hold him and never let go.

 

I miss him more than he will ever know and now some other girl is doing everything that i want to do and its not fair. I know i lost him becuase it was my fault and i do not blame him for that.

 

I really hope though that he is happy with her and that he is never hurt the way i was as i just want him to be happy and even though it kills me that he not happy because of me, that is what i want for him as it is what he deserves. That is why i cannot be his friend as i love him too much and cannot pretend otherwise.

 

I love you Mark

[xtiarax]

image removed

 

Love You Mark

 

Just hope that one day i can say that i dont and mean it. I do not think i will ever find a guy like him ever, it just wouldnt be the same and my life is not the same without him.

 

MISS HIM LOADS....{I will never ever replace you ever}

 

Im sorry i wasnt enough

 

Goodbye Baby x x

[xtiarax]

He was just online on facebook and that has never happened before even when we were going out he never was online at the same time as me. And i checked to see who was online and there he was just as i was writing all of those entries. And now he has gone and i never wanted him to go

[xtiarax]

You see i tried to forget about him i really did but then he was online at the same as me i need him i want him to take me to his bed right now. All these dirty thoughts about him are coming back into my mind and i want him now.

[xtiarax]

I have an exam in a little while and i do wish that i was with him so he would do what he normally does when i have an exam, although he doesnt know that i have one, as i never told him i would of still liked something from him. I feel a lot beter today but did have a dream of him after what happened last night. I have dreams of us getting back together and i had a dream about two nights before we broke up outlining that we were breaking up although he did it over the phone in the dream but he did it face-to-face when he did it three weeks ago. It feels like i have not seen him in years sounds silly but it is true and i miss the little things about him. He thinks i am out with my new boyfriend today as i told him i was to cover that i had an exam, i dont know i mean its not the same with someone else, its him that i want and i guess that will not change for a long time. I hope that one day he thinks about this and realises that he needs me. I think i will wait for him as there is nothing else that i can do, i need him in my life and nothing is the same until he is back where he belongs. Whilst he was on facebook he took a quiz about how messes up his life was and it said you have made a huge mistake i wanted him to think that it meant me, i then took the test to see what i got and it said that i am in middle, but his said that he had made a huge mistake, although they are not real and just silly i wanted him to see that he had. I mean i do not know if he looked at my profile whilst he was on or even knew that i was online. I am sure that he knew i was online but he never showed that he did, like i never aswell. I dont know anymore i mean i am giving up hope on him and getting him back as i do not think that i will ever get him back!

[xtiarax]

Ok i wrote this on facebook on my status You dont mean nothing, i dont want ya, i dont need ya, never loved ya, ur a nobody, and'll never make it, ur a mistake!

 

He then wrote this on his thinks young women are dumb and they need to wake up and smell the coffe. milfs all the way!

 

I do know why he did this as i wrote something on my status but it was from a song that i can relate to and what he wrote was out his head and that is what he actually thinks. I mean he thinks that he is like something 'special' i think as he thinks that he can get mothers to sleep with him when they are most likely to be married. I hate the way he is acting like he is 30 and i am 15, he will be 24 in June and i will be 19 in December and that is 5years difference so i do not know why he is acting like he is so much older than me. I am not crying because i miss him i am crying because the Mark that i met was kind, caring and sweet and would never dream of doing this. Now that we have split he has turned cold hearted and nasty towards me and insulting me, no matter how many fights we had and no matter what i called him he never was like this and always wanted to sort things out and never liked it when i was mad at him.

 

I do not understand how he has turned like this and i am upset that he has turned like this as this is not the Mark that i fell for. I do not know what has happened to him in 3 weeks and i guess that i do not want to know. He has made me hate him slowly and that is not what i wanted. He said that he would text me to tell me when he is off so we can see each other as mates but now i do not think that he is going to do that and to be honest i do not think that i want to see him whilst he is like this.

 

I think i am going to crack!

[xtiarax]

well I am in a much happier mood i think but i do still wonder if he will text me when he is off from work, i know that after what i saw there isn't reslly much hope of that happening. I still am in shock that he is like that i mean i would not have thought that but i do think that it is his loss and that he will end up a very lonely man after what he has done to so many innocent young girls who just loved him. I thinkthat it is him who need to wake up and smell the coffee not me but him! He cant treat people like that and i have let him treat me badly and i feel ashamed. He was a very nice man dont get me wrong when i was with him but now it seems like he has turned into a different person. When i first met him he was a really nice guy i want him to be that person, and not the person that he is today. He works hard and that is what i like about him, he never complains even though he has issues at work, i know them as i worked there for a week for my work exerience which is how i met him. He helped me with things whilst i was there and was really kind and caring but then he changed, his mate is making him like this as he has a lot of bad mates and that is why he is like he is. It is a shame as he was such a nice guy and had alot of good things about him but he ruined it all himself.

[xtiarax]

I have done some thinking and i think i realise now that i do deserve better, i mean i gave him all i had and he gave me only half of what he had. I must say his performance though was really convincing and he should be an actor. After reading what i did yesterday even if i provoked him or not, what he wrote shows he has no values or respect to other people. I think that he is not the one for me anymore, i mean i used to think that he was the one for me but after that i see him for what he is and i do not like what i see, friendship is not for me either and i have prepared what i am going to say to him if he decides he wants to see me this week. I think he is better off with some low life girl who is like him, he doesnt deserve love, someone caring for him, nothing like that, he deserves someone like himself. I mean if he wants to have sex with mothers who are married or divorced i think he is the immature on not me and is like a school boy with a fantasy in result of watching porn films and is trying to make them reality, but we all know that what is in porn movies is not what happens in real life, but he doesnt see that. I think if he carries on this way he will end up very lonely when he gets older.

 

I just want this man out of my life and he has made me a little more stronger then i was before, and i have listened to him and woke up and smelt the coffee,i have realised what sort of a man i loved and i cannot believe or understand why i fell in love with such a man.He is a messed up man and i cannot help him! I do not want to associate with a person like that or to even be friends with someone like that. It is hard to remember the memories that we had as i cannot believe it is the same person that i was with once. We are different people and although he thinks he is mature and that he is not, he is far from that.In my heart Mark Beaton died and i lost him, i am not normally that cold towards someone but this time i am, i miss the mark that died and the mark that is alive i hate. As far as i am concerned he is no longer a part of my life. If i see him i think i will do some damage to him and i do not want to get into trouble with the police.

 

I am really shocked at what he has become but i guess he is a loser with no life ahead of him. I still care for him but not the way i used to and that remains and i cannot ever forgive him for what he has done to me,and to himself!

[xtiarax]

I had a dream about him last night and it made me late to college as it carried on until the morning. It was about being friends but it wasnt as we were still doing things together but he mentioned the friends thing. Anyway this is the first dream that i have had of him in a long time and do not know why that i am having them now. It is very weird seeing him even in a dream, i think i cried in the dream and unlike he was in real life he cared and hugged me which is weird lol. I do not know why i had it now as i rearly dream of him since we split. I do not know what to think. I thought that i was over him and that i would not dream of him. He still hasn't even texted me about when he is off to see him yet, which he said he would but after what happened the other day i knew that he wouldnt. It is 3 weeks today since we split, 3 weeks, thats all and it feels like 3 years, i have not seen him for three weeks either, that happened only once before as we were both busy and never had time, only then we would still contact each other not be like this. At about 12:45 or something is when we had broken up on that wednesday so i think today will be a little bit hard for me.

[xtiarax]

I think that tonight i may take a rest from the computer as i know that i am likely to contact him, so i do not think that i will go on msn or facebook as i know that i am likely to contact him, i think that tonight i am just going to stay off the computer as i do not think that it will help if i am on it. I do know the feeling that is inside me right now, i mean i am happy that he is getting on with his life and does not miss me, but at the same time i wish he did. He is busy at work and doing whatever he wants to do while i am thinking of him all the time. I have not heard from him in a week and i feel like he is just slowly forgetting about me and i wonder what it is that i did that made him like that. As i am writing this i am not at all crying or upset it is just thoughts that are in my mind. I really wish that he would text me or something as i then know that i am not alone in this and he is too thinking of me like i am him. I miss his smile and his laugh and the way he comes out with 'funny jokes' as he calls them that are not even funny, but he finds them funny and then i end up laughing. If i am down he will cheer me up, he was the only person that could really cheer me up after a rubbish day and now no one does.

 

I know he wants to move on with his life and forget about me and it was good of him to break up with me in a nice way and face to face, rather than over the phone or via text. I respect him for doing what he did and if the reason really was for me that he did it for then i think that he is a really good guy. I guess in a way he was right when he said that we are not meant for each other, i mean we both wanted different things within the relationship that we just were not getting from one another.

 

image removed

 

I sometimes just wish that it was me and Mark forever and ever

 

Maybe i am feeling like this as it is the day that we broke up, i dont know. But i do want to know that he is ok and that he is happy

[xtiarax]

Mariah Carey-Don't forget about us.

 

(Don't forget about us)

Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

No baby, no baby, no baby no

(Don't forget about us)

Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

My baby, boy...

(Ya'll know this is, ha ha!)

 

Just let it die, with no goodbyes

Details don't matter we both paid the price

Tears in my eyes

You know sometimes it'd be like that baby (yeah)

 

Now everytime I see you

I pretend I'm fine

When I wanna reach out to you

But I turn and I walk and I let it ride

Baby I must confess

We were bigger than anything

Remember us at our best

And don't forget about

 

Late nights, playin' in the dark and wakin' up inside my arms

Boy, you'll always be in my heart and

I can see it in your eyes ,you still want it

So don't forget about us

 

I'm just speaking from experience

Nothing can compare to your first true love

So I hope this will remind you

When it's for real, it's forever

So don't forget about us

 

Oh, they say that you're in a new relationship

But we both know nothing comes close to

What we had, it perseveres

That we both can't forget it

How big we used to did it

 

There's only one me and you

And how we used to shine

No matter who you go through

We are one, that's a fact

That you can't deny

So baby we just can't let

The fire pass us by

Forever we'd both regret it

So don't forget about

 

Late nights, playin' in the dark

And wakin' up inside my arms

Boy, you'll always be in my heart and

I can see it in your eyes

You still want it

So don't forget about us

 

I'm just speaking from experience

Nothing can compare to your first true love

So I hope this will remind you

When it's for real, it's forever

So don't forget about us

 

And if she's got your head all messed up now that's the trickery

She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' used to be

I bet she can't do it like me

She'll never be MC

 

Baby don't you, don't you forget about us

 

Late nights, playin' in the dark

And wakin' up inside my arms

Boy, you'll always be in my heart and

I can see it in your eyes

You still want it

So don't forget about us

 

I'm just speaking from experience

Nothing can compare to your first true love

So I hope this will remind you

When it's for real, it's forever

So don't forget about us

 

Late nights, playin' in the dark

And wakin' up inside my arms

Boy, you'll always be in my heart and

I can see it in your eyes

You still want it

So don't forget about us

 

I'm just speaking from experience

Nothing can compare to your first true love

So I hope this will remind you

When it's for real, it's forever

So don't forget about us

 

Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

No baby, no baby, no baby no

Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

 

When it's for real, it's forever

So don't forget about us

[xtiarax]

The weather is really nice today so im enjoying it without any guy!

[xtiarax]

I think that me staying off the internet last night was a good idea and i may do that 2night as i did find the it helped as i had no contact with him at all, all the contact to me was forbidden. I cried last night about the times that we shared together but it wasnt for along time, each time i cry about him it gets shorter and shorter where usually before it would be for long periods of time. So i think slowly i am realising that we have broken up. I mean people tell me to get rid of him from my profile but to be honest i dont want to as he is(well was) a big part of my life and i cannot just forget that.

[xtiarax]

Last night i did the stupid thing of texting Mark and of course no reply so u guess that he doesnt even want to be friends with me. I mean why lie about it in the first place if he never wanted to i dont get it i really dont, i mean if he never wanted to see me then he should of said that he never wanted to talk to me ever again. Instead he lied and gave me hope that we would be mates and that this week i would be able to see him. I know he has credit and also that he had a day off but why lie?

[xtiarax]

I am not happy i am really upset right now, i keep texting him and i know i should not. He still has not replied and its like he lied about being mates with me and i just do not know what to do, i now know that i am never going to see him again and i do not think that i can take this no more as i want to see him i really do. I miss him so much and people are like do not contact him and whatever and your bound to feel like this and trying to put me off being friends with him and now i do not have the chance to so they can shut up, im sick of people saying rubbish when they know nothing about what i feel and if i want to contact him then i will and no one will stop me never. I am my own person and know how i feel and no one is going to tell me not to contact him as i will not listen. I love Mark and i do not care if i have given him the power blah blah blah, sometimes in life you have to take risks or else you will regret it. All i hear on this forum is not advice they just carry on with two letters and that is NC, it seems like that is the only advice that they have and they are obsessed with it and will not think otherwise, its like come off it you will be contacting your ex despite telling others that you are doing NC and that they should do it too. I just wish that there was some other advice instead of just them saying NC all the time. I am just going to post on this now as no one really knows what they are on about and is just continuing with the word NC all the time and it is really pissing me off right now.

 

I mean i care for him and want to be his mate as i do not want to lose him and all they are saying is NC NC its like change the record!

 

I am all alone and miss him like mad and i want to be with him so bad and no one else matters at the moment, i just want to see him if nothing else. I have not seen him for nearly a month and i really want to. This is killing me and i want to be with him and i cannot, mark was the only good thing that was in my life and now i am never going to see him again and i have lost him forever. I just want to be alone right now and tomorow my little sister will be three and i have to act like everything is normal so that i do nor ruin the whole day and i just want to see him.

 

I have texted and sent him a message on facebook , i mean what did i have to lose really, the answer is nothing as i never had anything to lose as we are just like we was when i did NC. I just want to hear from him or see him and he is not replying to anything he must be reading my messages but ignoring them and that hurts. I do not think that i can be around my best mate as she is rubbing her relationship with a guy that i helped her get with and it is just not helping me at all. I know that he has credit and that he had a day off but he chose not to contact me and the thought of him being with someone else is killing me.

[xtiarax]

Well he texted me last night saying some stuff and also on Saturday and then i took hours to reply yesterday because i left it off and turned it on late and then replied. He wanted to meet this week(again) but never replied when i said what day and what time, he never replied. I think that he is playing games and i dont like it. Me and my best mate went to the place where we did work experience(where me and mark met) we went to visit the other people and mark had already told me that he left the job weeks ago, but i never believed him, but it turns out that he actually did leave and i was upset as he left the place that we met, i mean i guess not i know that i mean nothing to him. My best mate said even tho she wasnt his gf she was a little upset and knew that i would be as it was the place that we met and had memories. He works in a pub aparently, but that is even worse than the job that he had in the 1st place. I mean he said that he was sorry for hurting me and that i was right that it was bad of him to stay with me for 6 months but it was like he regreted it, being with me i mean i dont understand i mean he was into me i know he was, i know now that he has someone else i mean i just know it.

 

I dont know i mean i just dont know how he can do this!

[xtiarax]

I mean there is another guy that i like but he likes someone else i just saw what happened and that makes me sad but anyway i just have to know now that guys will not like me at all and thats the fact of the matter. I mean Mark(my ex) is probably with someone else right now and me i am all alone which is not good, but even this other guy likes someone else and thats not fair, so both of them do not like me, there must be something wrong with me i guess! I saw that he does like someone else an i am not imagining it at all, its not fair man! Anyways i think i will avoid my ex and this other guy all day so that i do not get upset!

[xtiarax]

Why am i even bothering to write in this i do not need this journal all the time and i think that maybe not writing about it as much will help too, as i will not keep going over and over in my mind what happened!

[xtiarax]

Its exactly a month right now that we broke up, it was at this time and on this day i hate himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! LOL! I really do i mean what the hell is he playing at keep texting me and saying this and that when he knows that he is not going to follow through with it i mean what is his problem!

 

He is just a loser i think that does not have a life and he knows that whenever he is ready to want to get back with me that i am going to be there waiting for him like an idiot and i am not doing that anymore, from now on I do not know Mark at all, i have deleted his number and i am not going to contact him AT ALL EVER IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFFFFFFFEEEEEE! Mark is a really bad man and i will never EVEEEEEERRRRRR forgive him

[xtiarax]

Last night i was really ill i mean really ill and i thought that i may need to go to hospital i was really worried, and i did just want mark there to help me with the pain sounds silly but i did. But i did manage without him i guess and that means that i can manage without him, he has not even replied to the text that i sent about seeing me this week when he said that he would see me, this is what he did last week though. I am starting to think that maybe he is just seeing if i am available and to him it is obvious that i am. His birthday is on the 26th of this month he will be 24, but i am not going to even say happy birthday or give him a present as i think that it would not be a good idea, if i cannot give him one as a gf then i am not going to give him one as i friend.

 

I mean he cant be bothered with me so why the hell should i be bothered with him! Normally i would text him saying why arent you answering me to see me but this time i am not as i would not feel like he wanted to see me i would feel like i had some impact on him making a day for us to meet up and that it never came from him it came from me, if that makes sense?

 

He is just playing games i think and in the end i will not play them as i am tired of chasing him all the time. I mean even as a friend i have to chase him, it is the same as when i was his gf!

 

I do not think that if he wanted to get back with me that i would want to i mean i would always think is he going to dump me, is he seeing soemone else!

[xtiarax]

I mean he used to log onto facebook like all the time when he was with me i guess that was because he never liked me, i think if he has a new gf then he actually likes her as he has not been on facebook in a while. He normally always goes on and now he isnt so it means that whoever this person is must be something special to him to not make him want to go no there anymore. I mean i do wish it was me but i dont in a way!