guy told me i'm a friend

[Caterina]

I have a genuine friendship with this guy. I developed feelings for him, told him about it, and he didn't want a relationship. I cut off contact with him for a month, got over myself and the situation and started hanging out with him as a friend again. I recognize that he's only a friend. I'm not hoping for something more, but I'm not discounting it one day either.

 

Every once in a while, though, I am hurt when he says that he doesn't think he'll "ever fall in love".

 

Since most of the time I have a good friendship with him, thats not a good reason for me to stop it right?

 

Also, what does he want? Why does he like me so much as a friend (we talk three hours a day)? A lot of people say that its strange for a man to be like that towards a woman he isn't interested in.

[Tethys]

Caterina,

 

It sounds as though he does think of you only as a friend, a good friend. Yes, it does happen. Not strange at all. Keep him as a friend, if you like, but keep your feelings in check.

[avman]

Well he's already told you that you two are friends. Try not to get your hopes up that it will turn into something more. He may simply not be attracted to you as more than a friend. He may just like hanging out and having fun with you.

[Caterina]

I'm trying, but sometimes it makes me sad. He also gets jealous whenever I'm dating someone. And he told me I was attractive...he'd love to sleep with me, I'd bet on that...

[Excalibur]

Whta about this don't you get - he likes the attention/adoration/applause/affirmation that your endless willingess to talk, and your admitted attraction to him inspires.

 

he thinks about you, talks with you and gets an ego boost...she knows I don't want what she wants, but she wnats any type of contact with me so much she's willing to settle for this.

 

he's also being incredibly honest - I'd sleep with you without obligation, I'm conversing and involving with you without obligation.......and I really don't like my unconditional source of adoration and affirmation to me doing anything but standing at attention to give me attention - should I so desire it.

 

If you think of what you're providing to him - attention/adoration - he considers you a reliable source for that commodity to bolster his ego and self-confidence. HE doesn't want that commodity to be channeled in another direction. He's not interested that you having no reprocicity is causing you distress.

[Tethys]

He probably does think you are attractive. I have also had male friends who got a little jealous (protective?) of me, but they didn't want a relationship with me. Men are like that sometimes with female friends. But, I would take him at face value -- if he is not pursuing you for a romantic relationship, then he doesn't want one. It doesn't mean he finds you unattractive -- just means he sees you as a friend.

[Jadewhisper]

Hmm, it almost sounds like he wants to keep you guessing at times of the status of your friendship. You ought to ask him why he is jealous of you. Perhaps he is envious of you because he hasn't had much luck with dating or something else.

 

Still, it might be a good idea to ask directly why he keeps on being jealous of you if you both are just friends. Clarification is better than having a misunderstanding later on.

[Nixee]

Every once in a while, though, I am hurt when he says that he doesn't think he'll "ever fall in love".

 

Does he say that he doesn't think he will ever fall in love in general.... or with you?

 

If he is closed off in general, that speaks of a man who is too wrapped up in his own issues to even think about getting involved in a relationship, and you probably shouldn't take it personally. The end result may be the same, though... friendship is all you have for now.

 

Your situation actually doesn't sound too far off from something I've been going through lately, and it is difficult. The jealousy thing is hard to read. It can be indicative of deeper feelings sometimes, but it can also just be indicative of his general discontent with his own unhappiness and inability to commit to a relationship.

 

The best thing you can do is try to be patient with him and just be a friend without pressuring, clinging or alienating him.... which can be hard if you are feeling more intensely for him. Perhaps someday he will work through some feelings and realize he actually does feel more for you than he knew, perhaps not. Only you can gauge how long to keep your heart open for that.

[Creative]

nooooo, don't have your hopes up anymore.

 

The reason why you guys talk 3 hours/day is because you guys are very compatible as friends. I have close female friends and heck, the last thing i want is to have a relationship with them because the friendship is so valuable. Forget it, don't, move on. Also, don't cut contact for no good reason (Although he'll probably will give you some space).

 

Some guys just value friendship more. You have no idea how difficult it is to truly encounter a genuine friend.

 

The one good thing about male/female friendship is that each other can gain a new perspective on things, and better at accepting to each other's flaw.

[EQD]

I recognize that he's only a friend. I'm not hoping for something more, but I'm not discounting it one day either.

 

 

 

i think you are lying to yourself. you really are hoping for something more. you may think you have let the idea of being romantic with him go.. but the truth is deep down you really havent. i was in this exact spot too.. i was decieving myself. i let go for good. best decision i ever made.

[alatas]

Oh. My. Word.

 

You perfectly described the last guy I had feelings for (before I met my bf ). This is exactly what happened there...to the letter. What made it slightly more frustrating is that he initially reciprocated my feelings, but was in a relationship at the time. I cut off contact for over 6 months to try and get over it, and when we started talking again my feelings had not gone away (I thought they had - I was wrong). His feelings for me had changed for good though...and he told me he thought I'd been selfish for cutting contact with him for that long.

 

I evetually pointed out to him that I could not go on giving him all this attention without getting anything in reciprocity. Yes, I was doing this willingly as any contact with him was better than no contact (I didn't tell him *that* though as it would have made his ego explode), so in some respect I only have myself to blame. But after months of this I was hitting my limit. He again called me selfish, and we have not spoken for the last 6 months now and I won't speak to him again. We used to email/MSN each other for hours too, so I bet he misses that - especially since we talked about HIM and HIS interests 90% of the time...he hardly asked me anything about me or my interests during these conversations. But I couldn't do it anymore.

 

Yes, I have a bf now so don't have feelings for the other guy anymore...but I can't forget that he wanted my attention and whatnot, knowing fulling well that it was hurting me to talk to him when he couldn't (then wouldn't) reciprocate. And when I took steps to save my sanity, he called me selfish and pointed out that millions of people talk to someone who doesn't see them in "that way" and that I should just get over it because he liked talking to me. I didn't like his attitude back then, and I'm happy never to talk to him again.

 

And yes, he got very jealous when he heard I had a new bf - asked my friends who this guy was, and why I wouldn't tell him who he was. He was probably worried I'd be able to give his less attention now. This was a few weeks after telling me he'd fallen for another girl but couldn't get with her because she didn't like him in that way - and telling me that now he knows how I must have felt! He sure has tact.

 

So OP, be careful with this guy...watch out for yourself, and it may be an idea to go NC with him again until you're over him. Sorry to hear about your situation, sounds like you're in a not very easy place to be!

[Creative]

varecia,

 

What if the guy gives equal amount of attention as you give him AND are not jealous if you have bf?

 

Would you have kept him as a friend? Or would you find it a complete waste of time?

[alatas]

varecia,

 

What if the guy gives equal amount of attention as you give him AND are not jealous if you have bf?

 

Would you have kept him as a friend? Or would you find it a complete waste of time?

 

If I'd gotten over him and no longer had feelings AND our chats had been a bit more 50/50 in terms of attention etc., then yes - I would have kept him as a friend. Because we were friends first, and then I developed feelings, he did and then his feelings faded again. Whereas mine didn't. And that caused a lot of drama and hurt.

 

You see, I liked him as a friend first, we really clicked and have the same sense of humour, and we make each other laugh. I gradually started to fall for him over the space of 2 years, something I had not expected at all.

 

We were at college together (same group of friends, but we didn't chat to each other much while we were at college) and when we graduated, we went to live in different parts of the country. We'd email every couple of months, and our friendship grew from that. For some reason, we started to talk more often after having sporadic contact for 2 years or so. And that was slightly preceded with me falling for him, so I really welcomed to new increased contact. And because I liked him so much, I didn't mind spending most of our time talking about him...I wanted to get to know him better and find out what fascinates him and makes him tick. I didn't notice the one-sidedness at first.

 

However, despite the fact I no longer have feelings for him, I don't want him as a friend any longer. I still find him interesting as a person, but I can't forget how selfish he was in wanting to keep talking to me despite his feelings for me having faded, despite me making it clear I couldn't just be his friend. He was not bothered about me hurting, and told me to just get over myself. At one point, when I cracked and got sad after trying to just be his friend, he called me psychotic for first being all friendly and chatty on MSN and then going all sad and upset. Not one iota of compassion. I don't find that attitude attractive in a person at all.

 

If he'd been more understanding, then maybe I'd still be talking to him now as I no longer have feelings for him. Ironically though, I think my anger and hurt actually HELPED me get over him. If he'd been nice and understanding, I may still have feelings for him.

 

So to sum this novel up *lol*:

 

What if the guy gives equal amount of attention as you give him AND are not jealous if you have bf? Would you have kept him as a friend?

 

Yes, if I was over him. And if he'd shown himself a decent, kind, understanding person. The guy I wrote about was selfish and unkind, and I found this out the hard way; I don't really want friends like that.

 

Hope this helps

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The reason people do or don't click in a romantic sense is complicated. If someone could figure it out they'd make a billion dollars running a dating service.

 

It could be a simple as you remind him too much of his mother and that weirds him out. Or you don't remind him of his mother and he really is only attracted to people who do. Yeah, i know, that is contradictory, but that's the way it works.

 

What flips the romance switch and doesn't isn't even known to the person themselves. They just feel it or they don't, and may know some of the reasons but not all of them.

 

So just because you click as friends, doesn't mean all the ingredients are there for romance. He could think you are really hot, but doesn't like the way you slurp your soup or the fact that you're into heavy metal rock while he likes classical music. Could by anything at all, or lots of anythings he wants/needs that don't exist with you.

 

It feels really unfair when you meet someone you do great with as a friend but they aren't interested in romance. But one thing is clear and that is you're not getting any closer to romance spending 3 hours a day on the phone with a guy who isn't interested.

 

You need to stop spending so much time with him and start getting out and meeting new guys. Ramp this guy back to a casual friend who you maybe talk to twice a week for 10 minutes and see once in a while. And tell him why, that he's distracting you from looking for a real romance.

 

If he truly has no feelings for you, then he'll be fine with that, but if he does have feelings he's repressing, he'll miss you and want to be with you and perhaps change his mind and start a romance if that is what it takes to be able to spend time with you.

[Caterina]

Well, there is a reason I like him around: he gives me a lot of what I want. He gives me attention, compliments and he listens to me blather about what I'm looking for in life/my dreams. He's a great friend. It pisses me off sometimes that he doesn't think that he'll ever fall in love, but so be it.

Its funny, yesterday I felt like no one was around and that even the one person I wanted didn't want me. And by the evening, I had TWO dates! From two cool people that I'm actually interested in. Never happens, btw. I think I just need to meet someone else and it makes me forget about him completely.

 

Actually, I"m kind of angry at him. I'm so over his selfishness. I'm ready for something else. Forget him.

 

I think you're right. I'm going to distance myself from him. I don't even care anymore. I'm so over this.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Honey, that 'i don't think i'll ever fall in love' thing is very telling. He's telling you that for any number of reasons, which could be:

 

a. he just doesn't feel it for you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings so he's pretending he'll never feel it for anybody.

 

b. he knows he's selfish and loves himself more than anybody else, so he'll never love anybody because he loves himself too much (narcissist).

 

c. he's a womanizer and knows he can't commit to anybody since he never loves any of them enough to care.

 

d. he's gay and not admitting it to himself and the world yet.

 

i had a guy tell me that and it was a combination of b. and c. That didn't stop him from getting involved with one woman after and another and breaking all their hearts. he was a dyed in the wool narcissist who loved attention from ladies, but didn't want to commit to anybody because he needed LOTS of attention all the time from all kinds of people.

 

but the relevant thing for you is he is telling you something important, that he's not feeling the love, for you or maybe anybody, so you're trying to get a drink at a dry well.

 

take your anger and use it to walk away. My guy who was like this wasn't thinking about the women he got so close to, he was thinking about being the center of attention and getting what he wanted. You need to do what is right for your own life, and wasting a ton of time with him isn't the answer for you.

[Caterina]

He doesn't ever date though....On the rest I do agree, especially the last part...

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

I have a very similar set-up at the moment going on, only I don't think narcissist or jerk or purely selfish and only seeking attention from girls could ever apply to the guy I like. But nevertheless ... I totally fell for a guy last year whom I gradually began talking more to last year and finally this year, but he was completely emotionally wrapped up in this girl who was absolutely horrible to him and he's just now starting to move on. I didn't really know him too well when I first asked if he had interest in me, and he said no, he only thought of me as a friend; but that was at a time when he was considering a third go-round with his ex. I got very business-like about it and turned into defense mechanism mode and was like, "Alright, glad I got that out of the way, hope we can be friends - we can? Good. See you then." And that was it. Awful conversation, very forced, awkward. Well, since then he and I have become much closer and despite it all, I can't get over him because he's far too perfect for me. The issue at hand - why I'm not perfect for him. I don't know if maybe he does have an inkling of interest but because one friendship with an ex is impossible and another friendship was nearly ruined by another relationship and he is too afraid of messing up his friendship with me, or if he just plain has no interest. Which gets depressing and pissy for me when I hear how he laments the fact that he doesn't have someone to cuddle with while I'm sitting around thinking, "Idiot. I have never HAD a boyfriend, so I've never cuddled EVER. Who is he to complain?" So yes, he's self-centered because he's lamenting his relationship woes. But I'm self-centered because I'm lamenting my own. We're all selfish in some ways about how sad and pathetic our lives are without someone else there to make us feel better. And the thing which really gets me heated - the fact that nobody knows what the hell they really want and they say they need this or want that but do their actions really reveal that they're pursuing that? No. The guy friend of mine: He wants a relationship where the girl will love him and want to be with him for more than just a month. Guess what? I would be glad to do that. I am capable of that. But has he thought of me? NOPE. He wasted two years pining after a girl who doesn't know how to hold a conversation with him without taking shots at his ego, she acts like a child for attention, and she never managed to care about him for more than two months. So I'm on the side thinking I should wear a sign reading, "I want to love you. Why won't you let me?"

[Caterina]

I moved on. I figured he's never coming around and I met someone ten times better. Happy ending, The end.

[Caterina]

So many women have gone through this, what I went through--- you do survive though.