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Hi guys,


just out of curiosity i was wondering this and talking from personal experience and other relationships...


is it usual for abusers (whether dumpers or dumpees) to quickly move on to other relationships--(when i mean quickly i mean a few weeks to a month or two) and fall very hard for the new person...or is it just a coincedence..if so why???


secondly, i just found out that my abusive ex has been telling his new gf (new gf has supposedly told her friends)about my childhood past to "confirm" how messed up i supposedly am (i was raped by my uncle between 5-10 and went through loads of bullying at school)..i trusted him not to tell anyone about this as it's v sensitive information..am currently having counselling to work thro' these issues..i feel horribly let down and pissed off....at a point in time i was going to call him up and threaten him ...i don't know what to do now..i'd really appreciate ur insight...

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I would strongly suggest that you do not threaten him. Let him play all the petty games he likes, but do not sink to his level. That's what he wants you to do.

His aim is most likely to affect your life as much as possible and he only has as much control as you give him.


The fact that he divulged your secret to his new partner is no surprise. It's clear that he has no sense of remorse and no sense of morality.

You should talk to your therapist about this issue, and hopefully bring it to some closure.


What kind of therapy are you seeking? I'm assuming Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.


You must get as much mental distance from him as humanly possible.

Draw a line under that part of your life and just be enormously grateful that it is over.

Be forward looking from now on.

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Cognitive Behavioural Therapy will teach you how to change your perceptions about things in your life.


This will allow you to view what happened to you in a more logical light. It will help you accept that it was not your fault.


It will also give you tools to question and work through negative thought patterns that you may have adopted from your past.


You just have to be patient. Patience is the key to CBT working.

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I guess it depends, I moved on very quickly and regretted it, just was not ready. I regretted finishing with me ex and begged her to give it another go…but no dice. So, my behaviour wasn’t very mature for a while after that and ended up coming off worse

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I have a huge history with abuse starting from birth. I have been doing CBT for about 7 years and although it is helpful, I am currently seeing a hypnotherapist. This is really helping more than anything. The body "remembers" trauma and there are triggers that will set an abused person off. So. it is not just about how you think. It is also a physiological response. I realize I have spent most of my life in panic mode due to my abuse history. It is very different, but I really like it and have noticed improvements in the way I feel about myself and how I respond to stress. Good luck.

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