Final closure

[Keyman]

After 9 days of NC that was broken when she contacted me, I got angry at her today. For the last 9 days I have been healing well, enjoying my time learning to move on and feeling great, until today, when I realised that I'm still hoping for something from her.

 

I'm being nice to her, downplaying my feelings so as not to offend her or to stop the possibility of getting something more out of her. But what is it that I actually want from her?

 

Do I still want companionship? I do have to say that she was a relatively good companion. We did lots together and enjoyed that time, when we weren't arguing. But do I want her as a companion going forward? Do I want her as a friend that I can do stuff with, hang out with, go to dinner and the movies with? Not really. Why would I want that? I have male friends to do that with, I have some female friends to do that with, why do I want to keep her around? We don't even have that much in common, if I think about it, the things that we do have in common are things that I made us have in common by learning things that she liked.

 

Do I want to get back together with her and be in a relationship with her again?

Well she broke up with me because we want different things from a relationship. At the end i'd ended up investing 80% of my energy into the relationship, far more for it than I should have. At the beginning I invested 50% and I guess had the expectation that she would give 50% as well, but she would only give 20%. No matter how much I tried to get her to give more, she would not. Perhaps if I had pulled away and got on with my life as an individual instead of as a part of the realtionship like she did, maybe then she would have slowly given more, but I doubt it. So over time I ended up having to make up the different just so the relationship felt stable.

So do I want to go back into that situation? No way, and lose myself again in a one sided relationship?

 

So I want to have sex with her?

Well yes. But over all, that is all I would keep her in my life for. I'm a monogomous guy who enjoys the loving embrace of sex with a loving partner over meaningless geting your rocks off sex. We had amazing chemistry, we couldn't keep our hands of each other and that's what kept us together. We even met in the park last week after having broken up for 3 weeks and coud not keep our hands off each other (although we did keep it clean in the park, just kissing). I do have to say it was some of the best sex I've had in my life and it has helped me open a sexual side of me that has been closed off a little for a long time. So at least I gained something out of the relationship.

Would I meet up with her and hang out with her as friends if there was the possibility of sex? Probably, but as people have said, it would hold me back from moving on and from meeting someone new. But I'd still do it. But she doesn't want to. So we wont.

 

So if I look at the big picture with it all, I start to wonder why I still wake up in the morning and think about her. Then when I think of the things I said above, it comes down to one thing, I'm not missing her, I'm missing being with someone. Waking up beside someone, loving someone. Not her, it's the companionship of having a partner. She jus manifests in my head as that as she was the last to be that for me.

 

So this brings me right back to my question at the beginning... Why am I downplaying my feelings and trying to be nice to her? I really don't know. Is it because I want to walk away from this relationship respecting her and what we had? Well for how she was in the relationship, I don't think I have much respect for her anyway. The relationship was hard as hell and not very fulfilling.

 

So am I trying not to burn my bridges incase there is a chance of a relationship, friendship, sex in the future? I don't see the point.

 

I'm not going to go out of my way to hurt her, that's not me. But I don't think I'll feel so down about losing the relationship and missing her now. Dammit, the break up was the best damn thing that happened. She said the relationship is shifting to something better, well it is becoming nothing at all, and that is FAR better than what the relationship.

 

So that is my vent and my closure to myself over this relationship. It wasn't a bad relationship, she can be a lovely person with her heart in the right place, and I will miss the sex, but I'm happy it's over. It's time to fully pack up and move on now.

 

Thank you all for listening!

[hamsalad]

Keyman, sorry for the latest bump on the road to recovery. Heh, it makes it sound like I am talking to a recovering addict.

 

I am glad you have the strength to even write the words that you are packing up and moving on. I'm not there yet, but I how I wish I was. I am at a crossroads. I am not sure if I am bottoming out and will bounce back or if I will sink lower still.

 

I wonder...what attracted you to your ex in the first place? No need to answer if it will open wounds that are closing.

[Keyman]

Keyman, sorry for the latest bump on the road to recovery. Heh, it makes it sound like I am talking to a recovering addict.

 

I am glad you have the strength to even write the words that you are packing up and moving on. I'm not there yet, but I how I wish I was. I am at a crossroads. I am not sure if I am bottoming out and will bounce back or if I will sink lower still.

 

I wonder...what attracted you to your ex in the first place? No need to answer if it will open wounds that are closing.

 

I am at a place with it all that I don't care anymore. It has been coming for a lot longer than we have been broken up, which is more than 6 months now.

 

My passion is creative writing, and my ex worked with me at work. We had a very deep moment when I first got her to read some of my stuff and we clicked. My previous g/f had just moved back to our home country. I'm from New Zealand, but live permanently in Australia and my ex helped me through the end of that relationship and we just kinda grew together. So while she isn't a writer like myself, we connected on that. But what I have learnt over the relationship has rendered her help redundant for my writing.

 

Your strength will return and your time will come soon enough. You can only go down if you believe you can. You are at a crossroads and it is your decision to take the path that best suits you. Sure, you may need to get lower, I have in my life, I resisted and resisted, but finally just let myself go there and it turned out to me the saving grace for me. I needed to go there, but you need to decide where you need to go. We all have free will, some of us just don't know how to use it.

 

Hope this helps!

[hamsalad]

We'll see what time brings for me. As for you, I am glad that you are carrying on. Goodhearted folk deserve that since that is a rarity in this world.

[Dioufy]

I am sorry to hear that my man, after you have been so helpful towards me.

 

If I were you I would really have a think about what you want and look at the situation objectively. I wouldn't hurt a girl I love on purpose as well, no matter what she did to me, but sometimes things spill out.

 

How did she break no contact as well?

 

And I would tell her you want no contact (assuming you haven't) instead of just doing off your own back. If she contacts you then you know that she misses you and wants you back, thus getting the power over the situation. And if she does, just be nice and answer her questions nicely and go. Instead of hanging on to the conversation in case she says something that will change your mind about the situation. She probably won't.

 

I am sorry, but this is probably poor advice, but I felt it necessarily to try to help you through you bad time, as you did with me. So keep ya chin up and don't initiate contact with her mate... And enjoy life.

 

 

[Keyman]

Goodhearted folk deserve that since that is a rarity in this world.

 

I am sorry to hear that my man, after you have been so helpful towards me.

 

If I were you I would really have a think about what you want and look at the situation objectively. I wouldn't hurt a girl I love on purpose as well, no matter what she did to me, but sometimes things spill out.

 

How did she break no contact as well?

 

And I would tell her you want no contact (assuming you haven't) instead of just doing off your own back. If she contacts you then you know that she misses you and wants you back, thus getting the power over the situation. And if she does, just be nice and answer her questions nicely and go. Instead of hanging on to the conversation in case she says something that will change your mind about the situation. She probably won't.

 

I am sorry, but this is probably poor advice, but I felt it necessarily to try to help you through you bad time, as you did with me. So keep ya chin up and don't initiate contact with her mate... And enjoy life.

 

 

 

Hamsalad, you are a god among men, as are all the people on this site. I'm not going anywhere, just further out of her life. I've closed that door and will never go back.

 

DIOUFY,

Don't worry dude, I'm still gonna be around on here. I still have some healing to do. I have just moved her to a different place in my head, one where I no longer need to visit. I even drempt about her last night, not something I've done before, and it was in a very neutral way (from what I remember). I don't miss her anymore and in a couple of weeks, I won't even think about her. I want it this way. This is taking my power back.

 

She contacted me via email to tell me something she didn't need to tell me, after sending a flowery love message on Monday. I tol her face to face that I did not want any contact, and I have explained why yesterday in an email. She is not contacting me to get tell me she misses me or wants me back, she is contacting me because she misses having her power over me. And my understanding of that is the straw that broke the camels back. No more!

[Keyman]

So 9 days on and I don't think I'm totally over her. Sure I would like to be and moving on, but I am not.

 

So I need to take the next step to move on. There is a conflict that goes on between my head and my heart. My heart is always the stronger, but if my head can convince it otherwise usually I things are good. But when the heart gets loose, I have trouble.

 

So here is an example. I have been catching the same train as she does this week and for a while she was catching it at the same time that I catch it, but that changed. This last week, I would walk to the station, expecting to see her somewhere along the way, then I will even walk up and down the platform waiting for her to arrive or checking if she is sitting at the other end. I heard that she was going to be at a certain place, through a friend, so I went there, but she wasn't there.

 

What's going on is that my heart knows where she will be and I end up going to try and bump into her. What I'd say if I did I do not know, but I try to tell myself not to, but I do anyway. I'm not trying to stalk her, else I'd turn up at her house, or her gym etc etc, but where I know she may be when I am at work, I try to run into her. I know it's not meant to happen, else we would have run into each other, so I think the universe is helping me to see that.

 

10 days ago, on the day of our last contact, I said to her that I didn't know what I wanted when it came to her, and that I didn't want to lose her from my life. She tried to stay friends originally, but I kept telling her that I didn't want anything to do with her and she thinks I hate her, which isn't true. So the last thing she said to me was I'll have to think about this (the being friends thing) ...it's her way. She doesn't make decisions quickly, and I'm kinda glad that it's taking her so long as it's helping me not to actually want to spend time with her. But I feel that she has already made up her mind, and I am happy about that.

 

I do want to meet someone new, and move on, but at the moment, I am still thinking about how she would feel about that. I need to stop thinking like that and not to care anymore at all.

[eatingsnow]

NC 11day for you.. be strong.

[Keyman]

It's just moments of depression that get me, most of the time I'm able to control the down urge. Thanks for the thoughts eatingsnow