My boyfriend doesn't want sex with me...what do you think?

[ShelB64]

So sorry this is so long, but please be patient with me. Thanks!

 

I have had a very tumultuous relationship with my boyfriend of nine months. We have come to a place were I now feel comfortable with him and actually feel a sense of security with him.

 

He tells me and writes me (he is long distance) that he loves me almost daily, and we talk for hours every few days on the phone. He says he wants to have a committed relationship with me, makes it clear that he is my boyfriend, that I am his girl, and says he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, once he moves to the US over the next year or so.

 

We've had a lot of problems over the months, but I actually feel better about the relationship in many ways now more than ever.

 

He is coming to visit me later this year. The problem is, he has told me recently that when he comes to visit, he really does not want to have sex with me. When we lived together during the first two months of our relationship, we made love mostly when I initiated it.

 

Interestingly, I remembered lately that the first night he arrived, he didn't want to have sexual contact, but we had a strange event happen where his plane almost crashed that made us really thankful to be together, so we were really drawn to each other and made love out of that closeness, mostly at his initiation.

 

It was so wonderful; in fact, it was the best of my life! He is everything I've ever wanted in a lover! I easily came to orgasm with sex alone! That had never happened before. I wanted to share this experience with him again the next night and then a couple of nights later again, but then he began to push back, saying that I was only thinking of him as a "sex object", and he began brushing me off. I realized that he wasn't that attracted to me, which was okay, but I could tell we still had some sort of chemistry. We still did a lot of kissing, holding, touching, etc.

 

I admit that I have a much higher sex drive than he does and higher than many women probably, and I am about five years older than he is. He has also told me that in the past, he used to be very sexually active, but then women started just "over-sexing" him and now he prefers to have a relationship without sex. It really feels like he has some psychological issues around sex that he isn't dealing with.

 

At one point, I even thought he might be gay and asked him straight out, but he said that he was definitely, unequivocally not interested in men. He also says what he feels for me is real love, the love between a man and a woman. He said he is ONLY interested in me.

 

He also says this may be unusual, but it is a more mature relationship based on love, not sex, and that I should be glad he loves me in this more mature way. Maybe I should be, but I still feel like, how can we be in a romantic relationship with absolutely no sex! I feel like we are just friends! Also, because of this, I feel the need to be constantly reassured that he loves me.

 

He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but it seems like it would just be a platonic relationship. He did say we could hug and kiss, but that is all he is interested in. He even said I should maybe take lovers!

 

Couldn't he just take Viagra and pretend to be interested in sex with me, for my sake, since he loves me? Every time we did make love in the past, he got a definite erection and he was into it at the time for sure!

 

What do you all think of this? Am I just complaining about something too good to be true? Or does it sound like I have something to worry about? I am especially interested in hearing from the guys.

[redhearts]

Relax. He just wants to spend time to get to know you, cuddle etc. I mean wait until you two are in the same country to have it again. It was great for you, but don't pressure him. Just accept that hes coming to see you be happy and spend time being close, getting to know each other in person. Cuddling is great, just occupy yourself so you won't be stuck in the situation of sex. Don't make a big deal out of it because its not, it seems like he just wants to take things slow. Probably because he thinks its better and hey it could be.

 

So be understanding. You'll get it when he comes the next time, yes its hard because its a good way to feel close, but I guess he wants to make sure you guys are close without the sex. That you guys can bond real close without making love.. etc.

[novaseeker]

He also says this may be unusual, but it is a more mature relationship based on love, not sex, and that I should be glad he loves me in this more mature way. Maybe I should be, but I still feel like, how can we be in a romantic relationship with absolutely no sex! I feel like we are just friends! Also, because of this, I feel the need to be constantly reassured that he loves me.

 

This is going to be an issue, I'm afraid.

 

People are very different in this way: some people want more sex than others, and some people *need* sex as a validation of emotion, where others do not. The important thing is that a couple is on more or less the same page here when it comes to sexual needs and the ability to satisfy the needs of their partner -- which doesn't really seem to be the case here, sadly.

 

It certainly isn't the case that a relationship that de-emphasizes sex is "more mature". Sex is a critical part of any relationships, but the importance it plays varies by individual, and the key thing is finding someone who is compatible in that area because incompatibilities sexually lead to a LOT of problems down the line.

 

He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but it seems like it would just be a platonic relationship. He did say we could hug and kiss, but that is all he is interested in. He even said I should maybe take lovers!

 

That is a very big red flag. Unless he is openly polyamorous (which doesn't sound like it's the case based on what you have written), it's extremely odd that he is suggesting you take other lovers! It's possible that he is involved with someone else, it's possible that he has an orientation which he is not sharing, or it's possible that he has significant mental/emotional issues around sex, but suggesting that you find other lovers to satisfy your needs is a big red flag.

 

Couldn't he just take Viagra and pretend to be interested in sex with me, for my sake, since he loves me? Every time we did make love in the past, he got a definite erection and he was into it at the time for sure!

 

Eh, it doesn't really work that way. Viagra doesn't generate desire, it simply removes impediments like erectile dysfunction, which he doesn't seem to suffer from based on what you have written.

 

Something is going on here that you don't know about, I think, but in any case there are a few red flags here for me, at least based on what you have written.

[ShelB64]

Thanks so much for the advice to be patient, redhearts. You're right, it's so difficult with a long-distance relationship, and I have way too much time to over-analyze things.

 

I do want to be close to him, and I don't want to have to rely to sex to feel that way. I treasure all the things he says to me, and I know he means them. Like today, when he told me, "You just don't know how much you mean to me." This is what I should be concentrating on, not the sex, or lack of it.

 

I know we both are truly in love. I will try to occupy my thoughts with other things. It's just hard to do!

[redhearts]

Yeh, but I guess hes feeling in the woman shoes. Like what if he was in your shoes? I mea that he sort of didn't want it, well it happened it was great, now its like uh oh I don't want it to be all about sex. Have you ever been in a realationship where you thought thats all it was or going to be? Maybe thats how he feels.

[ShelB64]

This is going to be an issue, I'm afraid.

 

That is a very big red flag. Unless he is openly polyamorous (which doesn't sound like it's the case based on what you have written), it's extremely odd that he is suggesting you take other lovers! It's possible that he is involved with someone else, it's possible that he has an orientation which he is not sharing, or it's possible that he has significant mental/emotional issues around sex, but suggesting that you find other lovers to satisfy your needs is a big red flag.

 

Something is going on here that you don't know about, I think, but in any case there are a few red flags here for me, at least based on what you have written.

 

Thanks for your comments, novaseeker. I am going to have to defend my bf a little here. He is not openly polyamorous, but I have been polyamorous before and this is something we have discussed very openly.

 

We currently do have an agreed upon open relationship since he has moved back home. He states that he has not pursued his options, at least lately, and that he plans not to pursue them in the foreseeable future - as he says he really has no desire for sex. He also says he would have no desire to be with me or anyone else when we are together.

 

He knows that I do lead an open lifestyle currently, but even though I would like to stop that when he comes here and be exclusive with him, he doesn't think this is doable for me because of my libido. So, he is giving me permission to continue it, because his lack of sex drive (of course, he is hoping that I won't need to and that I can just "do without" and take care of my own needs as needed).

 

On the one hand, I think it seems kind of noble. On the other hand, I get what you are saying about the strong possibility of him having severe emotional issues around the whole sexual topic and that we need to somehow get these things out in the open. I truly do not believe there is an orientation issue, but I know there is something behind his lack of sex drive at 39.

[novaseeker]

Okay, those are some pretty significant facts -- there aren't all that many people who are poly (at least not openly ).

 

In light of those facts, then I think that obviously his comment about other lovers is very different -- outside a poly context, it would be a red flag, but in a poly context it isn't.

 

Would it be satisfying to you to have a low sex (perhaps very low sex) relationship with him, but a very intimate emotional one, with your sex needs being met by your other partners? If that's possible, and you're both comfortable with that arrangement, I could imagine that could work well enough. At some point I agree that you'll both need to get to the bottom of whatever it is that is causing his lack of desire, but again if you are both open to the poly arrangement, that could be a way to allow your relationship to continue and blossom along its own lines -- again, if that would be satisfying for you.

[m12988]

I disagree with what your boyfriend has said about you wanting him as a "sex object". It is obvious that you have plenty of love for him, as you've even said on here, and to be in a long distance relationship is hard enough to pretty much prove that you are in it for the long run, for better or worse.

 

Does your boyfriend know that two people in love have sex but it's not just all about sex? What about the term making love? I mean, sex isn't exactly a dirty act especially when used in a loving relationship such as what your boyfriend and you have.

 

Is he a "wait til marriage" guy? I know you said you both have had sex before, but there are some people who did have sex and then realized that they'd prefer to wait til marriage. Just don't let him make you feel "perverted" and like you are using him for sex. What you want in your relationship is perfectly natural and normal, and wanting sex in a relationship does not make you a bad girlfriend. The emotional bonds and all those wonderful things that tie in with sex is what makes a relationship stronger, and for you to be in a relationship with almost no sex (if he's planning on being like this throughout your relationship AND marriage) is probably pretty hard.

 

Would he be willing to go to a counselor or someone to talk about his feelings of past relationships? Has he talked to you about those relationships? If you could possibly assure him that you would never do such things to him, that may help..if you haven't already.

[ShelB64]

I disagree with what your boyfriend has said about you wanting him as a "sex object". It is obvious that you have plenty of love for him, as you've even said on here, and to be in a long distance relationship is hard enough to pretty much prove that you are in it for the long run, for better or worse.

 

Does your boyfriend know that two people in love have sex but it's not just all about sex? What about the term making love? I mean, sex isn't exactly a dirty act especially when used in a loving relationship such as what your boyfriend and you have.

 

I think he believes I am thinking about it a lot. Before this past week, I was fantasizing a lot about making love with him, but now I am not as much. I really do love him enough that I can sacrifice a bit of the sexual closeness with him for other types of closeness. And he did say it was specifically the intercourse he was opposed to. Maybe he does want to wait until marriage, I don't know. He has been pretty closed with his feelings, until this past week, when he has shared a little more, including this. I know it took a lot for him to tell all of this to me.

 

Would he be willing to go to a counselor or someone to talk about his feelings of past relationships? Has he talked to you about those relationships? If you could possibly assure him that you would never do such things to him, that may help..if you haven't already.

 

I know that he was only in one long-term relationship (dating and engaged) before, and that lasted three years. In fact, he had a vasectomy while in that relationship, when he was in his early 20s. Maybe that has something to do with it. On the other hand, I was married for 18 years in a loveless and sexless marriage. I guess I could have another sexless one, as long as it wasn't loveless. It just doesn't seem fair. Now I have the love of my life, but he isn't interested in sex. (My ex was much older and had health issues.)

 

I hope he will go to a therapist sometime here in the US and maybe discuss this. In fact, this week he said he wished he had a therapist to talk to, like I do, but that in Germany, it is considered being severely mentally ill to even think about going to speak to a therapist and it is just not done.

 

I have told him in every way I know how that I love him and would never hurt him, and I think he believes me, but I really sense a fear revolving around sex with him. I just fear that when he comes, I will hug him and feel that same chemistry and want to make love to him, but will have to just resist the feeling somehow.

[d24]

i too have an extremely low sex drive and if your bf has the same I feel sorry for him and yourself. I'll quote myself from a previous thread and hope it helps:

 

 

 

i hope that helps to some degree

- tux

[ShelB64]

Thanks so much, tux. What you said has helped me so much to get a clearer picture of what my bf must be experiencing. I think this must be exactly how he feels, based on what he has said. I love him and want to make sure he does know that he is so much more to me than a sex object. I bet this is why he described feeling this way to me.

 

Wow. I really appreciate your perspective.

[MidnightLight]

i too have an extremely low sex drive and if your bf has the same I feel sorry for him and yourself. I'll quote myself from a previous thread and hope it helps:

 

 

 

i hope that helps to some degree

- tux

 

Heh, you pretty much described how I felt with my emotionally abusive boyfriend, although I'm a female... You're so right about saying that even if you think someone is hot, you don't necessarily feel like having sex with them all the time. And I'm glad that there are guys with low sex drives out there, because I certainly want to find one! I guess that shows how different we can be...

 

To add to the original topic, I think that communication is the key, you should find out if there is really a deeper psychological problem behind it, so that you could understand where his decisions come from. Also, pressuring someone for sex and telling them to pretend they like it for you is a really bad idea, not to mention selfish. As a result, they might end up disliking it a lot more than they originally ever did.

[valiantv]

Just one thing... Some people get so into wanting to be considered more than just a sex object that they don't want to be considered a sex object at all!

[kittenslade]

I am dealing with a very similar situation. I *have* done good by his suggestion to take other lovers. For awhile it gave the appearance of healing a hole in our relationship. I could relax and sleep and not feel rejected, and he didn't have to feel pressured. (Okay, these feelings, "rejected" and "pressured" are not healthy feelings, but they are sometimes there, like it or not)

 

After that I just became uncomfortable in so many ways. There are practical issues such as STDs and emotional attachment. Believe me, it's so easy to get attached to a "new" person who is physically AND emotionally/mentally interested in you. Also, it's easy to idealize people we're not in relationships with.

 

And frankly having experience with it, I don't believe it's healthy for one person to be "allowed" to pursue outside encounters while the other has no interest in sex. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know what has worked for me is to not take it personally and to not pressure him too much.

 

Also, I've had good luck with talking through it, and gently getting to the heart of it. It might be deep-seated stuff or miscommunication or he might have a medical issue. Low testosterone, too much of something or not enough of another in the diet, no exercise, depression, thyroid issues. Or he might be preoccupied with work or anything.

 

You said yourself that the relationship has been tumultuous and though it's been getting better, it doesn't sound like you are finding common ground at all.

 

But I do feel interested by the "sex object" talk. It's something I've never considered.

 

I guess I mean to say: consider all possibilities, take it easy, and oh GOODNESS work it out before you commit (I say, with my postponed marriage, heh).

 

Everyone else has given some great insight. Good luck. I know traditional roles (man wanting sex; woman declining) are reversed and we're all so stuck in gender roles even if we personally discard them that it's confusing and hurtful, even if he can't help it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Ummm...no! I'm sorry, i don't mean to rain on your parade, but a desire to have no sex is the way people feel about their brothers and sisters, mothers, people they don't find attractive.

 

Avoiding sex is not the way one should feel about a romantic partner or spouse.

 

He may have very low sex drive (which he should have treated with a little testosterone), or he may be gay and can't live with that fact so instead decides to become asexual to avoid the issue. Or he may be very messed up psychologically in one form or another. Perhaps he was sexually abused as a child or young boy by a woman and is avoiding sex becuase of the conflict in raises in him. Regardless, he needs treatment, and you need a normal husband.

 

Normal people are just interested in sex. It is an instinct, a drive, a pleasure, a bond with a partner, a stress release, a way of procreating etc. So to say they 'choose' to not have sex as it being some form of being 'more mature' is just twisted logic and isn't reality. If someone wants no sex at all, there is a problem and some reason that the sexual urge has been inhibited that can and should be fixed.

 

So don't buy this for a minute or you are sentencing yourself to a life of sexual deprivation, or else a kind of sordid hell going around fishing for sex with random strangers in order to satifsy yourself while still maintain a relationship with him. I can almost guarantee that now he has decided sex is not good for him, pretty soon he will decide it is not good for you either, and your open relationship will end up with no sex for you either.

 

He needs to get off his high horse and twisted sense of moral superiority and recognize he is NOT normal. He just isn't. He can get it treated and then have a happy normal sex life (with women or with men if he is in denial), or he can sentence you to an asexual life if you choose to enter his not normal world.

[amethyst exchange]

Ummm...no! I'm sorry, i don't mean to rain on your parade, but a desire to have no sex is the way people feel about their brothers and sisters, mothers, people they don't find attractive.

 

Unless he's asexual, truly asexual not your 'rationalization of him being asexual by suggesting that he's gay pretending to be not gay' which is...slightly rude.

 

Avoiding sex is not the way one should feel about a romantic partner or spouse.

 

Unless, he's asexual.

 

He may have very low sex drive (which he should have treated with a little testosterone)...

 

Yes, because what good can come from a man who doesn't want sex. He must be repaired immediately, lest our vital sperm commodity dwindles. Never mind that he may actually not want sex....no, no, can't have that because it doesn't fit in our stereotype of male sexuality, so we'll just override that with a little chemical jiggerypokery...

 

 

Normal people are just interested in sex.

 

 

No, I think what you're looking for is...The Majority of people are just interested in sex. I suspect there are many 'normal' people who are asexual. He may be completely content with his life without sex. If he is, then no one, no one, has a right to enforce a desire upon him.

[valiantv]

Yes, because what good can come from a man who doesn't want sex. He must be repaired immediately, lest our vital sperm commodity dwindles.

 

To be fair, if I were in a relationship where something was missing from it that my girlfriend desired, I would do my best to try and rectify it. OK he might not want sex, but if that non-want is a result of low testosterone, and a higher testosterone would make him want it and enjoy it, then what's the harm in giving it a try?

 

If my gf told me she didn't want to have sex with me, I would have serious doubts about the relationship, and if she then said she didn't mind if I went out and found sex partners elsewhere I'd be even more concerned. OK maybe this sort of unorthodox relationship could work if both sides were OK with it. But most people want to have sex with the one they love.

 

He may be completely content with his life without sex. If he is, then no one, no one, has a right to enforce a desire upon him.

 

It would be good for their relationship if he desired sex. If ShelB is happy to live in this type of (I hate to define normality so I'll use the word) unconventional relationship, then fair enough. But if it bothers her, then, if he loves her as much as he says he does, he should make the effort. We're not talking about forcing here, we're simply talking about one person making an effort for the one they love.

 

Having said that, there might be no point in her having sex with her if he isn't into it, I suppose it can't be that fulfilling... I know I couldn't do it if my gf wasn't...

 

But I can't believe this excuse that he doesn't want to be considered a sex object... As I said above, not wanting to be a sex object shouldn't prevent one from having sex!

[amethyst exchange]

To be fair, if I were in a relationship where something was missing from it that my girlfriend desired, I would do my best to try and rectify it. OK he might not want sex, but if that non-want is a result of low testosterone, and a higher testosterone would make him want it and enjoy it, then what's the harm in giving it a try?

 

If he wants to, then it's ok. What I object to is this instant response of...get him fixed, get him testosteroned up and get him to a shrink so he can fixed so I can ram his rod.

 

Why can't it be that he doesn't want sex, doesn't find it that exciting, and rather enjoys the other parts of the relationship far more.

 

 

 

 

It would be good for their relationship if he desired sex. If ShelB is happy to live in this type of (I hate to define normality so I'll use the word) unconventional relationship, then fair enough. But if it bothers her, then, if he loves her as much as he says he does, he should make the effort. We're not talking about forcing here, we're simply talking about one person making an effort for the one they love.

 

Yes so in two monthes she can tell him she has a headache. The point is, that if the positions were reversed, there'd be a lot more people saying 'you need to make changes so that she wants to.' IE from either direction it comes off as the guy's fault for wanting it 'too much and not providing a motivation for her to want it as much' or 'not wanting it enough...and making her feel useless because of her own insecurities'.

 

 

 

 

But I can't believe this excuse that he doesn't want to be considered a sex object... As I said above, not wanting to be a sex object shouldn't prevent one from having sex!

 

This may be true. I think it may be that he is worried that he'll see her as a sex object...which seems a bit more realistic...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Sex is a normal, natural, instinctive drive, and one that can bring a LOT of pleasure and intimacy to a couple.

 

Most people who are asexual have a hormone imbalance or some form of childhood trauma or repression that suppresses that instinctual drive. Most people who avoid sex just haven't discovered the real pleasure of it yet.

 

It seems a shame not to try to find a way to discover that great pleasure and intimacy that sex can bring.

 

That is fine if you are happy without sex, but really to expect a partner who wants sex to go without it forever (male or female) is going against a basic instinct and pleasure that most people want and expect.

[amethyst exchange]

 

Most people who are asexual have a hormone imbalance or some form of childhood trauma or repression that suppresses that instinctual drive. Most people who avoid sex just haven't discovered the real pleasure of it yet.

 

 

 

In other words they are broken and must must be fixed, because they aren't of any use broken. They provide nothing without this...base instinct.

 

I still think it is wrong to just fix people because they don't fit a certain checklist for your relationship needs, especially if those people have no problem with their 'brokenness'.

 

It's just as greedy to demand someone change for you, as it is for people to expect their SOs to accept them as they are.

[raymondjames89]

I am sorry to say this, but from a man's prespective, there is something wrong here. don't buy into he needs time or be patient or all that non sense. if he doesn't wana have sex with u it says 2 things. 1 he is not physically attracted to u(doesn't really love u, must have a hidden agenda like most foreigners do for a green card) or 2. he needs help. especially when he told u that u can get lovers. there is no man who really loves a woman can stand the thought of her even thinking of the idea, let alone doing it. u need to get on with ur life. I mean what kind of self esteem would u have as a woman begging ur so called (man) for sex. u did have sex with him and he had an errection and kept it througout the intercourse, so this guy gets excited and gets a hard on like any other man. don't buy into his bull....