So you want your ex back - tips, do's, and don'ts!

[verisad]

what if they are on the rebound?

[squeezemi]

Well my ex told me 3 months back that she wants to think about our relationship, 'give me some space n leave me for some time'... i was taken aback n then had a long argument n i said things which i now regret as i didnt mean them, may be just told her out of anger n frustration. anyways at the end, i said i would be waiting for her to approach me. then we had a period of no contact for 2.5 months, n 15 days back she called me up n said she has decided to break up! i just replied, 'ok'.. now what should be my next step? should i still continue the 'no contact' thing?

[chevelledude]

Hey,I'm Cody and last summer i went to tampa florida to ask out the girl of my dreams,She said yes but when we were going out i got this strange feeling and i felt wayyy to close to her,I mean i never felt to close to a girl b4... I have NEVER said I love you to a girl b4 cuz i dont say it unless i really mean it,I was this close---->-

[chevelledude]

Ditto to that Question...

[AutumnBorn]

....now what should be my next step? should i still continue the 'no contact' thing?

 

 

The next step is to stick to NC. You have to start working on yourself. Make the changes you need to become the man you're supposed to be. Work out, learn new things, becoming fascinating, live life to the fullest. When you run into her, or when she hears about you, she needs to know you didn't stop your life, it went on and improved, that you're a great catch, that you're growing as a human being.

 

You can't change how she feels. You can, however, change her perception of you.

 

Read this: link removed

[AutumnBorn]

What sould i do plz i think i love her??is that what love is??Thx

 

 

Cody, read the link I posted above. You have to improve her perception of you. And improving your spelling and using proper capitalization and punctuation would help, too. If you ever write a girl a love letter, you want her to be able to read it easily.

 

Good luck!

[talonclaws]

how much NC would be appropriate before trying to get back in contact with her if our relationship was about 3 months and she broke it off because she claims she has stuff she needs to work out

[thekid55]

Bump this one

[syned]

bump for those who need it. helped me.

[dublady]

Could anyone offer me some advice on what to do or think about my ex of 4 months? Unfortunately I was completely unaware of forums such as this and had never even heard of No Contact at the time if our break up! We have been in regular contact since the break up ad my ex wanted to stay friends. Apart from 3 weeks in January when we didn't see each other (but text every couple of days) I gave seen him every weekend since the break up. Usually he texts asking if id like to go to cinema/for coffee/for dinner. We have slept together about 5 times in the 4 months so I don't think it's a fwb situation. He tells me regularly that he cares about me a lot and misses me. After new years I asked if he would like to try again but he replied that we would be going around on circles like before. We broke up because he wasn't ready for commitment and I was. Thanks guys, would really appreciate some advice.

[valleyboy]

HI Morrigan Im really glad I found this blog. Well to start off, My GF broke up with me noting that she "is not ready to open up". What ever that means? Before I met her I was and still am a confident person with regards to women. I guess you can say Im a ladies man when I want to be. Well when we first met, she just wiped me off my feet. I had to have this girl as my companion and definitely had a spot for her in my heart. I basically did away with past women and put all my attention to this new relationship. I didn't even think of other women she was on my mind all the time. I definitely met the girl of my dreams. I knew going into the relationship that she had shut out every guy who wanted her. I knew that she had been in love before and had her heart just broken and thrown in the gutter. I Honestly felt pretty special with the things she told me like, your not like other guys, and usually I shut guys out but you are just different. Well we got together and everything was just perfect, no fighting and disagreements. She would remind me at least once a week that she was so blessed to have finally find a guy to capture her heart, including the week before she broke up with me. I honestly can say that I fell in love with this person. I never really told her I guess because of pride. I almost sure that she felt the same but I think she didn't say anything due to pride as well. Her breaking up with me was just a blow Ive been hurt before but Never felt like this. I know to start off i have to have no contact and play hard to get but it is really tough. The thing that bugs me is how can something so special be gone in a snap of a finger. Why Do you think she would do this? Is she scared? I can honestly rule out another guy just from how much I got to know her. I also can honestly say I was pretty much a perfect BF and a gentleman to her. I cant let her go just like this I want to respect her decision. What should I do?? I cant see myself with another girl!!

 

Thank you for your time!!

[CMS]

Hey man this is a really old thread, you probably have better luck at getting a response if you post your situation at your own thread.

[yeahyeahyeah]

This is all good and logical, but what do you do if the r/ship turned long distance, with your ex being abroad?

[deff808]

yes, long distance as well

[betrayed911]

So how to understand at which stage you're now?

Becouse my ex contacts me via her cousin's fb ( i deleted blocked her profil when went NC) to say hi how are you,how are things wiht you,,

Should you reply or not should you act cool and confident advice?

[lasttoknow]

I have had no contact with my ex for almost a month since the last episode (please read my situation below). I've deleted her from facebook,and deleted her contact info, however her family is still on my facebook, email etc. I don't really stay in touch with them except her mom. 95% of the communication between us is initiated by her, and its just general cordial stuff, but she has been like my second mom during the 4years I dated my ex. Like I said most of our conversation is just general stuff but once in a while she will tell me how my ex is doing (mostly about how she is struggling), this usually puts me in a funk and I feel the urge to reach out to her but I dont. Ive always been there for her and now have a hard time not being able to support her.

 

My question is should the No contact rule be extended to include her family and her friends? I don't want to damage our relationship especially because they have supported me when I was at my lowest point, and also just in case we get back to together?

 

 

 

My story :

We had been dating for 4yrs, she was 20 when we met, and I am 15yrs her senior. Our relationship was amazing, I hadnt felt so loved at any other time in my life. We only fought maybe 4 times during our relationship , however those four times were when my daughter came to visit us. My ex admitted that she felt jealous of my daughter. This was a shock to me because they got along so great! Anyhow when I met my ex she was on the brink of going on a downward spiral, I helped her get her life in order and stablised. We lived together for 3yrs and then in the forth she started becoming more distant, I didn't really notice, but I guess hindsight is truly 20/20. This past Christmas for the first time in 8 years, my daughter was going to spend Christmas with us. Well when my ex found out that I wasn't going to her parents house this year she pouted.

To make a long story short we got in a fight and next thing you know we are no longer together.

I was devastated, and did everything except NC, which obviously made things worse. Over the past 5 months I have only seen her 3 times, however we stayed in touch through email and texts. She finally told me that she was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I was 15years older than her and that I have a child from a previous relationship. I reply to her was "why didn't you say something earlier?" And her answer was that she thought that she could deal with it, but obviously she couldn't.

Every time I would say to her "fine lets go our separate ways " she would come back with "see you are always so quick to give up on us!" This went on for several months until back in March I finally said to her"please do not contact me unless you want to work on the relationship".

I took her off facebook and deleted her number. We didn't contact each other 6weeks, then suddenly she sent me a beautiful email apologizing for the way she acted, she recognized all the things I did for her, and she mentioned she would like to get together for a coffee or dinner. Well I was on cloud 9! I quickly wrote back to her stating I would love to get together for dinner.](*,)

 

We went for dinner and it was just like old times, we had a blast! it was like nothing had changed at all. So the next day we met up again for coffee and went and did some window shopping etc. At the end of the day as she was leaving my place I said to her "sooo whats going on?" she said "what do you mean?" I replied"well you suddenly contact me out of the blue, we have an amazing evening yet we haven't talked about us" Right away she clammed up. she said "well I don't know what to say, I'm very confused about us but I miss you terribly" I felt like I had been taken for a sucker again. I quickly said goodbye and went inside.

 

The next day I emailed to express how frustrated I was that she contacted me when she had no intentions of working on things. I also to her that I would no longer be contacting her and that if she wanted to work on things then she could call me if not then don't.

 

Its been 3weeks now and I regret giving her the option of contacting me if she wanted to work on things. I totally feel like a victim of G.I.G.S..

I was feeling very good about myself and had started moving on with my life until she sent me that last email, and now I'm back to square one...

[Kailynn]

Well, the specifics of NC are really a personal thing. For me, while I desire to know my ex is both happy and well, I also acknowledge that I don't always want to hear about his life. Essentially, he went NC on me. He stated he was taking time and space from things and that he wouldn't be responding to me. Therefore, I was forced into NC. I don't believe in following a strict set of rules. If having her friends and family doesn't hinder your ability to press forward with your life, then by all means keep them. At the end of the day, he removed my friends, family, and me from his life for his benefit. It's easier for him to not speak to me and heal from the hurt than to pretend we're okay with seeing each other. Yes, it hurts, yes I miss him and I do hope we'll work on things but, if we're both still upset about an old relationship..the new one won't work too well. Do what's best for you.

 

As for her actions; they could mean anything. She sounds genuinely confused but, the NC preached here that suggests your ex needs to plead with you for your love is ridiculous. My point is, if she's willing to have a future with you, she'll have to come to terms with it on her own. She'll reach out by suggesting a dinner or a random phone call and she likely won't flat out tell you she wants you back. In that case, turn her down politely by mentioning that you're not ready, until you can cope with the idea of just "catching up". At that point, if she wants you enough, she'll try again. That's all there is to it.

[lasttoknow]

Thanks for the feedback Kailynn. My head is spinning and I feel like I'm in a fog most of the time these days. Her issues for breaking up with me were the age difference and me having a child from a previous relationship. Those are two things I cant work on, and unless she comes to grips with them we are doomed. I just worry that if we did get back together (even though I want to) it will just be for a short time. I also think that maybe the last time she reached out to me I was expecting too much, too much fast and may have sabotaged it.

[Kailynn]

Like I said before, if she's willing to adjust to the fact that you have a child and that you're older she'll not worry about whether or not you were too eager months ago. Fact is, she's significantly younger than you and I'd like you to think about what it must be like to be in her position. Not only is she in a relationship with an older man but, she's also coping with the idea that she's barely old enough to have children herself (with regards to them being accepted by society and such, not biologically speaking). She's forever reminded of the fact that you are very much still attached to your ex, even if it's just by a child. So, at 24 years old she's battling with the ideas of your future. Lets assume you do get back together for the long term. She might want children, will you want another? Will she want to be a step mom?

 

Yes, I'm aware the's are all assumptions but, the fact remains that she'll be with you if she wants to. These are concerns she needs to work out within herself and as a good partner, even if it's from afar, you should respect her need to do that.

[lasttoknow]

Thanks for the insight Kailynn, as what you are saying makes perfect sense, and I just need to focus on myself and not worry so much about what has happened. Just keep on NC and if its meant to be then it will be

[lovepiya]

thanks for such a good advise...

i met to my girlfriend 6 months ago we were together for 2 months then she left me for her ex boyfriend. i have try ed every thing which i should not be done. now i use no contact . then she called me after one month but still she just fight with me. she lend me some money for that she keeps calling me. but this time i used u r advise i did not fight with her . but behaved nicely. i know she likes me but she went back because that guys has money and all the comfort she wants in her life. i want her back because i love her but i can't get those things for her . she called me but she always talk about what happened and start blaming . i don't want be rude because she is very stubborn and short temper and i do't want to loses her . what should i do.

[latuacantante]

I need advice. My situation is very complicated and it is making me so confused.

 

My ex and I were together for two years. We were so in love. (Needless to say I think we still are). No man has ever made me dizzy when he looks at me and kisses me touches me, and my heart just won't stop and when I lay my head on his chest, his doesn't either unless he falls asleep. Lol. I also have two boys from a previous relationship ages 2 and 4 and my ex loved them to the ends of the earth, and they him. We moved in together after our first anniversary into a nice little trailer. Everything was going great. Soon, he told me he wanted to marry me, and have children with me, the feeling was very mutual. Then earlier this year we got robbed, and I had a miscarriage, and we had to move because of the robbery. Then my hours at work got cut. I was in a lot of emotional, and physical pain. But I never made the time to go to the doctor. I was to scared and in denial. I began to change. My mood, my energy, my hygeine, I couldn't make myself get dressed in the mornings or do my daily routine, I couldn't get out of the bed to spend time with my kids, and it was making me so depressed. I became moody and lazy and my sex drive went through the roof for some reason and that made my mood even worse because he worked long hours and i resented that for some reason. My behavior was wrong and I accept that now, but I also accept the fact that I couldn't help it. Anyway, we got in our first fight and he left me with a whole bunch of excuses and wouldn't even look me in the face when he gave the excuses. The house wasn't clean enough, he wasn't ready to be a dad or be in a serious relationship, he didn't know where he was going in life...I countered everyone of his excuses. The first one was an excuse but the rest were me fighting for something that was important for me, and someone who meant the world to me. But...it didn't work. He finally gave one last excuse and even looked at the ceiling and closed his eyes to avoid me, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. All I could do was look at him and say, "I have heard that 4 times in my life from all my relationships, now you. I never understood it when they said it. And I really don't understand it coming from you, who I know loves me." I left and saw him start to get off the couch but he stopped himself. its been four months and since the moment I knew he was going to leave me I have felt so much pain and emptiness, my smiles are so fake. I saw him once a couple of months ago and we had dinner and talked about the break up, i apologized and told him about the miscarriage, he seemed deeply concerned for my health and look regretful and sad. But nothing came of it. He gave me a hug then after him continuing say he had to go home and get some sleep, yet he kept bringing up conversations, then he left an hour and a half later. Shortly after I found a distraction. For a month. Then the distraction, I found out was just another abusive lover, verbal abuse and emotional abuse, he said to me one night for some reason that I had been a whiny little b*tch (sorry for the language) when we first met because someone dumped me. Then he said he was glad he left me. That killed me inside and the distraction ended abruptly. He then told me that it was because he had me now. I told him that had't fixed what he just said and that he needed to leave and we needed a break. He left. I texted my ex, and I saw him the next night. He bought me steaks, and cooked for me, and watched a movie with me. His roommates were there. But that didn't matter I guess, during the movie, where I had been sitting on the other end of the couch and he had been poking at me and trying to aggravate me, lol, he pulled me to him and said, "Come here you." Something he used to always say to me when he wanted to just snuggle with me. And there we stayed for the rest of the movie. Then he invited me to his room. Nothing was going to happen and we both knew it because I have a personal rule about not sleeping with anyone I am not with for a while. Though, he knows that he has power over me that I can't control. But he never used that power to that extent. He asked for a backrub, insisting that I owed him one, I gave him a backrub, then we were talking, he asked a lot about the kids and my family, then random stuff, then all of a sudden he looked at me funny, and kissed me I couldn't help it, I kissed him back. After a while I stopped him, he asked what was wrong and I told him he made me dizzy, he replied that he was happy he could still do that for me and pulled me back in. Nothing more than that happened and he even commented he wasn't going to make me that he wouldn't do that to me. I stayed until 3 am and even noticed that he kept calling me babe, and not by my name, then I felt it was time to go, he didn't want me to go he said but he knew I had to get up with the kids. So he walked me out, and he gave me that look again. So, I kissed him. He gave me a goofy look and said "You kissed me" and I said, "You gave me that look. I was with you for two years, I know that look." and he smiled and hugged me and told me I was right. We made plans for the day after, needless to say, I texted him the next day told him I had a nice time and asked him what he wanted to do the next day, and he said he had a good time too and he didn't know, I said that I would text him later the next day and he said okay. Well I texted him yesterday, and asked what was up and he said he had a headache and he was trying to get rid of it. I gave him a sad face and told him I hoped he got rid of it, and asked if were still on to hangout. And he said he didn't think we should because he had to go to work earlier than he planned and he had to do laundry. I told him I wasn't trying to make him hang out with me but he couldn't wash clothes while i was there? And I would leave when he had to go to sleep. But if he wanted we could hang out later this week. He said he would rather hang out later this week, promise. I said that was cool and if he wanted to stop talking I would stop texting him. He replied with, "Stop thinking so much. You're not bugging me. If you were I would tell you." He knows exactly what's going on in my head, all the time still I guess. Lol. I don't know what's going on. I'm confused and don't know what to do. I hung out with my ex's after we broke up, and well they never ever showed any affection like he did, and I ended up dating some of them again. Someone, please tell me what is going on...and what I should do. How often and when I should text him. Everything. Please help. I want him back. I don't want to push him away again. My two year old went in my closet today and found our family portrait, looked at me and said, "Mommy where's daddy?" I thought he at least had forgotten, since he's only two, but he hadn't I asked him what he said, and he pointed to my ex and said, "Where's daddy?" I told him, busy but he loves you very much and took the picture from him. My four year old asks for him everyday, I didn't expect that from my 2 year old though. I'm sorry for the long post, I just need help. Please. Help me.

 

Signed,

Hopelessly in love.

[Brownstone322]

To latuacantante:

 

I see you're new here, so here are a couple pieces of advice:

 

1. Start a new thread with your story. You'll get a lot better response than you would by tacking it on to the end of this very old thread.

 

2. Please use paragrapgh breaks. That seemingly endless chunk of text is almost impossible to read. (I haven't read it.)

 

Good luck.

[corcoran1990]

Hey, I really needs somebody's help. The ex and I recently broke up and I want her back. The worse thing about it all, and this is going to sound messed up is that we are moving in the same house together but we decided that while we were what we thought so happy together but the lease is signed and there will be 2 other people there. I cant back way now and there will obv be contact, so is there any hope what so ever?? please respond

[delicous]

All of those steps are pretty hard for me to work with, since I wear my heart on my sleeve, sometimes don't think before I say something...

But I can definetly take this advise with a grain of salt. I really like the date information and getting back together information...Some things in there I don't 100% agree with , I don't think appearing to be "aloof" works on everybody.

 

I am more of a take charge person, he is more passive, but also is take charge and sometimes leads the whole convo which is fine as long as he lets me talk as well...I guess I could try to let him speak all the way through and just make small comments instead of over analyzing and turning my small response into a huge paragraph long explanation.

 

Thats something Ill need to work on though, thanks for the tips...

 

I Guess Im kinda of in the mist of step 2...But.....Maybe I should re- think him coming over my place?...Maybe instead, I should ask to meet him somewhere?....That way hes not feeling as pressures, PS...Im the dumper, however I felt dumped when I dumped him, not the same thing, I guess...