So you want your ex back - tips, do's, and don'ts!

[delicous]

corcoran--- Yes, I believe there is....

 

I'd appear nice, police, respectful of her space and just respectful in general and happy...Thats all you can do, right?

 

How long have you guys dated?

[wolflovesmoon]

does the NC apply even when you are the one who caused the hurt that lead to the break up. In My case, i`ve cheated ( Long story) i been acting stupid and childish ( i could say i have excuses for the. but no excuse justify it) i gave her space she needed. we talk and text sometimes, i don`t mention getting back, or anything, just talk about work,, life, say jokes. etc,, but she keep bringing it up. why i lied and cheated.. yesterday we spoke for 71 min on the phone. i love her. i was blinded and i didnt see what was coming and toke it for granted. but i don`t know what else step i should take. be patient and wait while working even more on my self, changing what i think was the problem that lead to the break up. while giving her time she need. if by the end she never come back, i would have gained strength and experience. Love is not ownership and if her happiness is with another man, i `ill let her go for it. but as for now, i will try, just as mentioned in the thread above.

[delicous]

Yes...It does unless the person u dumped or dumped you states " I don't want to ever talk to you again." Nc always should be done but not just to get ur ex back but for ur own growth =)

[gemini4739]

So having read all of the advise I seriously need assistance with my case because it doesnt fit any others on here. I have been with my fiance for over a year now, I met him whilst in USA and I had to leave due to my visa running out in Dec. He visited in Feb and we havent seen each other since. We message via facebook everyday and skype when we can. BUT due to the distance, we have become more distant, which is heart breaking because when together we are perfect. We both said the other was the one and my fiance visa application is with the Embassy. HOWEVER, through being frustrated with not being able to se each other we pick fights. Petty things and I have trust issues due to his past mistakes. He has started becoming very selfish and living a single life again and seeing that as the way forward. We have been on and off so much and yet everytime he told me he didnt get upset because he knew we would get back together. But this time he has said for a few weeks now that he doesnt know what he wants, is lonely and is struggling with it. So is thinking he cant wait the required time for me to get there. I back off and say fine i deserve better but then cave. I have tried the 'take care and get on with your life thing' and he just says ok you too. Which scares the life out of me and I end up contacting him again. Right now, he sees all of the negative things so we had a talk here i owned up to my mistakes and said how I would stop them. He contacts me still on a daily basis and it can be anything from 'Hi, how are you doing' to 'Im thinking of you' or at theend of a conversation when say I am going to bed he will say 'i love you' but then I ask where does that leave us and he says i dont know, I need to work stuff out in my head. I am in limbo and cant help but want answers. He has been goig out more with friends and im scared h will see that having a woman local is easier. But how do I get him to remember us and come back to me? I am a mess and know he is for me, please help.

 

Thanks : (

[1guygirl]

ok you really shudda started your own thread....but for what its worth, hes calling the shots...doesnt want you but still contacts you daily and gives you crumbs in the guise of 'i love you' s.....not really fair on you but by sticking around you are letting him have everything he wants...a little flirt with you, a single life with his friends....you need to drop off the face of the earth and dont respond or reply to any of his meaningless contact. by replying youre not giving him the chance to see if his "dont knows" can become "i want her for def in my life"

 

give him all the space he needs and if he finds another woman, well, he clearly didnt hold the relationship in the same light you did, and nothing you can do will change that, the change has to come from him, and him alone. usually by a big dose of NC.

 

dont be scared if a man leaves you...be a woman who can be independent and who can get on with life where a man is a bonus not a need

[gemini4739]

Thanks, I just feel like I am at stage 2 and being open, fun and reminding him of us again may assist in letting go of all the negativity surrounding us. He has said he isnt flirting with anyone, or going after anyone and is fithful to me. So if I shut the door isnt that going to harm what w may be building by just talking/being nice?

[1guygirl]

hes told you he doesnt know what he wants ie being with you, yet thinks living the single life is the way forward.........nuff said

[gemini4739]

He hasnt said living the single life is the way forward but is being sucked back into that lifestyle, going out with mates, doing as he pleases but now his mates have gf's he feels like a gooseberry. So is feeling lonely. Do I now just not reply to him and see what happens or keep talking?

[1guygirl]

He hasnt said living the single life is the way forward but is being sucked back into that lifestyle, going out with mates, doing as he pleases but now his mates have gf's he feels like a gooseberry. So is feeling lonely. Do I now just not reply to him and see what happens or keep talking?

 

you wrote in your original post that he sees the single life as the way forward.....

 

i take it this is gunna be one of those posts where one gives advice, only upon hearing the advice, they dont wanna hear or heed it, they change the script....

 

if you wanna be his plan B cos hes lonely then fair do's go for it...

[delicous]

This reminds me a little of me...GET OUT... I am SO confused and had I just ended it and left it at that....Id be SOOOO much happier..Hopeing him and I do decide on being back together "FOR GOOD." But yeah.....Give it more time, make sure to give it a LONGER time....He could end up seeing that he needs you in his life, bring you flowers and ask for you back begiing for you back.... BUTTTTTT

 

IFF you continue to eat his crumbs instead of ....LEAVING IT for NOW....Then...your going to end up in a never ending roller coaster...Im telling you ....but you will still do what you want...Im just saying...

[gemini4739]

Thanks, we spoke last night and I kept it light and asked what I needed to about things he had sent etc and made sure to be the one to say goodbye and that im goin. He messaged me afterwards with general chit chat and saying godnight honey. I dont see that there is anything to reply to, so I am not going to do the usual checks ins of good morning or good night. I will not contact him to say good morning as he wille xpect me to. We live in a type of routine where we still do that even though we are unsure what is going on. Which does not help him miss me.

 

However, yesterday I was much stronger and left it when he did contact me. He then appeared to make more effort. The one thing I did forget to mention which is vital is he suffers from minor depression issues from a long time ago and any pressure, stress and so on causes him to clam and back off. I have been the vent for all of those issues.

 

Thanks for the words, it does help because I am far too soft and nice. I am often taken advantage of for it.

[Trevor Vaughn]

I just gotta say thank you, even though you haven't been active on the forum in forever, your posting has saved my life basically. I was in a relationship with a girl who I've been with since my sophomore year in high school, and I am now in my junior year in college. We were together for just under 5 years when she cheated on me. I saw it coming back in late august and I thought it was already happening but she denied it, so I sorta sat and watched for a month telling her I saw something between them and I wanted her to not be friends with him, but she wouldn't listen and just got mad when I said that. I found out the hard way when she finally did cheat on me (behind her back by looking through some messages). She just kissed at the time, but she didn't know who she wanted and we had been engaged for almost 2 years. I took the ring back, hoping to show her the reality of the situation but told her I can forgive her, but she still didn't seem over it all. After another week, I decided to go on a break with her to have her figure out what she wanted. Neither of us did too well with the break because we still loved each other so much and we never had a break before. We were each other's first loves and first everything else, from kiss to you know what. After that week, we decided another week was needed because we did so poorly with the break at first. I told her to try him out because she was still having feelings for him and then we would have gotten back together on october 1st as october 4th would have been our 5 year anniversary. When the day came, I was prepared both to ask her out and break up with her for good because I wanted her to TRULY want to be with me, not just THINK she did. Well, she didn't show the right signs and I ended up breaking up with her. I told her it was good because she wasn't with him or me and she could just decide what she wanted on her own. On our anniversary, we hung out and she said that she decided what she wanted and that was to be with noone. I was upset but said that's okay I guess. Only problem was she was seeing him alot more than she was me, and that pissed me off because its like she wasn't really NOT seeing anyone, she was seeing him basically. So I decided I'd push her away by adding a couple of people she didn't like as friends on FB and she got really pissed off over it. My goal was to do that, and i told the guy that I was done fighting for her because she would never decide what she wanted if we're both pushing for her, but to give her a week to figure stuff out out of courtesy. Well, he asked her out the next day like a SOB and since she was so mad, she immediately said yes. This was about 3 weeks ago, and not surprisingly she spent SOOO much time texting how much she misses me and loves me and wishes she waited to say yes to him, but wouldn't break up with him because she "didn't want to hurt him." I told her to either stop telling me that or to do something about it because there was literally nothing I could do to make her change anything.

 

I did the whole crying thing, telling her how bad she hurt me, half-begging for her back, telling her everything would be good if we got back together. Then I just got mad at her. I tried the friends thing for a couple weeks but that was impossible (DON'T EVER TRY, IT CAN'T WORK AND I KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THE MOST PATIENT MAN IN THE WORLD AND I COULD ONLY LAST FOR 2 WEEKS!!), so I told her I can't be friends with her for as long as she's with him. I wish I did the NC thing waaay sooner, but I started it thursday just out of personal belief that I should. I relapsed saturday morning when I accidentally sent her a text that I meant to send to a friend, and I apologized for sending the text by accident and wished her well. But I should of expected her to ask how I was feeling, and it was morning (typically the worst time in the day for me, far too emotional) and I blew up. She said she did want to be with me before but things changed, and that really hurt me even further. I was pissed off and more depressed than ever, but then later that day I stumbled upon this thread and I just started reading. MAN DID IT OPEN MY EYES!!! I mean, all this time I knew I was doing the right things, I just wasn't strong enough to do it because there wasn't anyone really encouraging me. But then I read this, and all the stories and it makes me feel sooo much better and stronger! That night I apologized to her for blowing up and that one day we may talk again, but for now I'm gunna do what makes me happy. I found out she's been somewhat sexually active with him, and that pissed me off, but gave me another reason to do what I'm doing. Since then I've met up with 2 girls and been hanging out with my friends just to keep me distracted from her, and I intend to keep meeting new people and just be fun and flirty. I'm also good friends with her friends, so I intend to have my good mood be apparent to them in hopes that she'll talk to them about me and find out how happy I really am without her. Earlier today, she texted me saying she just wanted to know if I'm okay and that she hopes I am, but I just deleted her message and I'm gunna let her squirm.

 

For those of you who are in a situation where they are messaging you, DON'T RESPOND UNTIL YOU HEAR THE RIGHT WORDS! Don't just text back if they are messaging you over something stupid like "hope you're doing well." That sort of message is sent because she misses you, not because she's gunna come running back to you just yet. Let em squirm. When you text them and they don't respond back, doesn't just drive you nuts that you don't get a response? It makes you want to send another message, maybe they didn't get it, or maybe they didn't hear it, or maybe they just don't care... either way it makes you want to text more. No doubt they'll be feeling the same way when you don't respond! Just don't give in because they'll pull you in and you'll get sucked into it all and if they really want something with you, they'll damn well let you know. Delete their numbers, block them from messaging and social networking sites, and hide ALL pictures and things that remind you of them (or atleast stuff they gave you, I can't do that exactly cause she bought my one pair of shoes I own and my phone sooo can't really get rid of those, but that doesn't bother me). It's hard to do at first, but remove EVERYTHING for now (put it in a box and put it away, put all their pics and messages on your computer into one folder and hide it, just make it hard to see and hard to get to). When they finally get a peek into your life, they'll see themselves nowhere in it and they'll see how happy you are and either they'll realize what they've thrown away or you would have been on the path to recovery either way. It's a win win situation, and if they come back, don't make it easy and don't relent. I'm just starting the NC phase (4 days, 2 without a relapse) but I already feel SOOO much better after a week ago! And even if its not your thing or you feel like its not right, casually flirt with other people and just open up and catch up with old friends. Send messages to girls you know that you were always kind of interested in... who knows, maybe they were interested in you but never thought they'd have a chance with you because you were with someone else!

 

Oh, and don't get discouraged if you flirt with another girl and you find out she has a BF or isn't really interested in you, after being in a relationship for so long you will probably forget what it's like to flirt with other girls and forget that rejection (or reality for that matter) is a common occurrence. Work out, make yourself better, and be confident! I'm still trying to learn how to get my appetite up because that's still hard, and sleeping is tough.

 

Mornings and nights will always be the hardest, when you are least able to think clearly about the situation. Also, try to have friends who are always available to talk, because if you are alone with your thoughts you might lose your battle if you aren't strong enough. Come to this page and read these messages over and over and over again if you have to, that's what i've been doing and it works SOO well! You can be strong enough, telling yourself you can and telling yourself you don't need them and you can be happy will actually make you believe that. Be confident that what you are doing is right because in the end, as long as you are doing this, the result will be either something good will happen eventually or something better will happen. Either you'll be with them again or you'll find someone else.

 

In my situation, it was a combination of confusion and lust/interest in another person. For those of you that it's just confusion or for those of you who only need to worry about the person being uncertain and not with another person, know that others such as myself have a less hopeful outcome of working out. And for those in my predicament, I share your pain! Camaraderie is important in situations like this, and it feels like noone else knows what you're going through because many of us who have been in long-term relationships with people we actually DEEPLY loved don't know others who have the same experience. But on this site, most of us are in the same boat, so take heart in knowing you're not alone!!

 

Oh, and super bump... lol

[Cityslick]

Umm...

 

This is not going to work for me. I've come to the realization that it's pretty much just done and all I have now is just time to wait out the anger.

You didn't mention if they have another Bf/Gf that NC probably won't do that much....at least I don't think it will as she is mid 20's with babies/marriage on her radar next 2-3 years.

For her, things are much different and she's "happier" now.

Also, she said when we broke up that she didn't feel anything so she knew she wasn't "in love" with me anymore.

She just feels bad for me, pretty much out of pity. Doesn't help that I did the whole desperate/needy hate you/love you scheme which obviously pushed her even more.

That pretty much says it all doesn't it?

If I ever do reconcile with her, consider it an absolute miracle...

[Trevor Vaughn]

NC will do good things for you because even if she doesn't come back to you, you'll be taking active steps to move on. It's win-win! By not contacting her and forgetting her completely, you learn how to make yourself happy without her, and then you may one day decide that your happiness without her is so great that you wouldn't even want her back even if she did come back. It's really hard to do, but it is the best solution I think in all cases. Girls (and guys) can be absolutely nuts sometimes, and they make ridiculous decisions. If they didn't stay with you, then they are nuts if you didn't do anything wrong to make them decide what they did. Just do you and be you, and one day some girl will see you for you and see how happy you are being who you are and that'll attract them to you. It may not be who you want, but there will be many other opportunities for this!

[Nick Lansing]

LOVE this post. You have a lot of wisdom for such a young cat.

[Nick Lansing]

Well, consider it done, but it isn't necessarily. I've been almost exactly in your shoes and reconciled. It's normal to do the needy/desperate/love you/hate you thing at first. Reconciliation only happened after I gave up hope and pretty much moved on, though.

[ZackMorris]

Well, consider it done, but it isn't necessarily. I've been almost exactly in your shoes and reconciled. It's normal to do the needy/desperate/love you/hate you thing at first. Reconciliation only happened after I gave up hope and pretty much moved on, though.

 

Really? They gave you the whole "I'm not in love with you" anymore speech and everything? Can you elaborate?

[Nick Lansing]

Really? They gave you the whole "I'm not in love with you" anymore speech and everything? Can you elaborate?

 

Oh yeah. That, specifically, happened with two different women. My first girlfriend gave me that line, and six months or so later, after I'd moved on and was with someone else, she tried to work her way back in. And my ex-wife told me that too. She's remarried now andshe still sometimes drunk-dials and tells me she loves me.

 

The lesson I take from that is that we're all human, and thus susceptible to emotional swings. We're not robots or computers. We don't always say what we mean, and much of the time we don't even really know how we feel. And people's minds and hearts do change, and change back too. And circumstances change.

 

What sucks is that you as the dumpee have no control over this. If they come back, it's on their timetable. You can increase the odds of reconciliation by handling yourself with dignity and moving on, but you can't MAKE them come back.

 

I believe love never really goes away completely. It can go dormant, but it never dies.

[jeepman41]

I believe love never really goes away completely. It can go dormant, but it never dies.

 

 

 

I agree with this statement and it may take a considerable amount of time before someone wants to come back to being around you enough to reconcile. It may takes years sometimes but true love never dies.

[dumPI]

bumping this thread!

[ItHurtsTooMuch]

Hi Morrigan, I know this is a somewhat old thread but I've just stumbled accross it and was hoping you could provide some much needed advice.

 

My girlfriend and I broke up Jan.10 2012(we were living together most of the time during our relationship) while I was at work and she made it clear she didn't want anything to do with me that night so i ended up going out with the guys and trying to drink the sorrow away. The next day when I was coming over to move all my stuff out of her place we kind of made up and she said she still wanted to live together and try and fix things but she was adamant about saying we were broken up and she was single. During that time she was fairly distant and would get angry with me for the littlest things and it was starting to feel like she wanted us to argue. We finally hit a breaking point in the middle of February. She woke up in a horrible mood that morning and when I tried to diffuse the situation she just got more angry and eventually ended up yelling at me saying I need to get all my sh*t out and lose her number because she couldn't deal with this anymore. I'd be lying if I said this didn't hurt so much to the point of crying because it did. I said fine I'll have everything out today and begged her to reconsider because we love each other. I said I was willing to try anything to fix this and she just ignored me and told me to get out and make sure i had all my stuff. She even tried to give me back her anniversary ring which really tore me up inside.

 

A few days later she started texting me again on and off when ever she was bored or when I was at work and she knew I had time to talk. It felt like we might finally be getting somewhere when I had sort of an emotional breakdown and told her how much all this had hurt me and the pain I was feeling in my heart and she went back to being her loving caring self that I fell in love with. I told her I felt like I pushed her away by being to nice and eager to please(one of her main complaints and it was true I was always willing to do anything for her no matter what even if it would be an inconvenience for me)and that it feels like I've made her hate me. Then she said she could never hate me but that I can be incredibly frustrating(followed by this happy face emoticon So I asked her if I would ever be able to get her back and she said "Well I don't know but you're not doing a very good job ;D". That was about 5 days away from our anniversary which unfortunately happens to be on March 17 which most people associate with St. Paddy's Day.

 

I had asked her a couple day in advance if she'd want to go out for dinner or something on that day and she said that might be nice, but on the day of I asked her if she still wanted to go out and she said "That's what I'm trying to figure out" and then started to complain about how all her friends wanted to meet up and go drinking in celebration of the "holiday". So I tried to entice her to chose going to dinner or something with me instead by letting her know celebrating St. Paddy's day was not a priority and the only way we would end up drinking is if she wanted to. Then she said she didn't want to drink at all because if she drank she'd want to get drunk, to which I replied "If you did end up wanting a drink you could keep it at one drink you don't have to get drunk". Then she told me I was acting like a f*ck nut and didn't want to talk to me if I was going to continue doing so and then blew me off for our date plans.

 

Later that night she texted saying she was bored and drunk and after a hour or so of conversation and it sounding like she wanted some company she changed her mind said she'd probably regret it and to just lose her number. So I said "Good night and sweet dreams, I love you" and left it at that. Its been pretty rocky since then. We will have periods of conversation where everything seems fine and then she will get angry for what seems like no reason at all to me and tell me she doesn't want to talk to me any more but then a few days later we are back to the same cycle. It is extremely frustrating and everytime it happens it hurts even more than the last. I really love her and want to get her back but I don't know what to do anymore.

[Tom1990]

Wow. Are those really your responses to her? Because just reading this, it looks like you're this cool, calm rock in the eye of a storm, and she's on an emotional roller coaster, ramming into you at every opportunity, trying to test your resolve.

[ItHurtsTooMuch]

Wow. Are those really your responses to her? Because just reading this, it looks like you're this cool, calm rock in the eye of a storm, and she's on an emotional roller coaster, ramming into you at every opportunity, trying to test your resolve.

 

Yes those really are my responses albeit this is a summarized version of the actual situation but I wouldn't say that I'm a calm rock in the eye of a storm. Its easier to deal with her over text messages because the lack of physical contact but its tough to stay calm and collected when dealing with her in person. Hearing her voice or looking in her eyes just makes melt, I start to remember the good times we had and then I snap back to reality and remember I lost her all in a split second and its tough to keep my composure. It might make me sound like a wuss or what ever but I have cried a lot over her especially when we are having these situation in person. When I moved out and she took her ring off and tried to give it back to me and said "You should keep this so you can give to my next girlfriend". I was a mess it was like someone had just driven a spear through my heart and it was so hard to calm down and stop the flow of tears long enough to tell her I wasn't going to take it back because it was hers and it only belonged with her nor would I ever try to give it to someone else if I had kept it because of what it symbolized to which she said the usual what ever's and what not but I am happy to say that the last time I saw her after the move out day she was still wearing it which to me shows she still cares on some level because I still wear the necklace she got me and I still love her.

[sound]

wow .......

[Ciaran]

this is really good advice i wish i seen it sooner me and my ex tried again but i was miserable which made her think less of me and in turn made me worse and desperate.. my relationship was long distqnce so i can't just run into her for that part. She sent me a blank text message, does that mean she wants me to start a conversation, I'm really confused