Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 For those of you who don't know my story, I was involved with a man from England who was my pen pal, friend, then lover. The entire time he was invloved with me, he was also still in a sick relationship with his alcoholic ex girlfriend (who had nerve damage from drinking). I didn't know this...he kept it all from me. Eventually we decided that we wanted to get married and that I would move over there to be with him. We got a finace visa, I quit my job, gave up all of my stuff, a cat, and moved over. While I was there, the ex died and I found out that he had lied to me about her...he tried to cover it up by saying she was just a friend. Then the truth came at me in piece after hurtful piece! I then decided to come back to the states while he worked everything out there....not long after I came back, he broke up with me. So, I went NC and blocked him out of my life for two months (the only communication was short emails about sending my stuff back. The two month mark was this weekend and out of the blue I got an email from him. At first I wasn't going to answer but my curiosity got the best of me, I felt strong, thought I was ready to hear whatever I would hear, so I emailed him back. He said he was glad to hear from me, that he didn't think he ever would again. He said that he loved me but gave up on us because he thinks I deserve better. He said that every person who comes into his life gets hurt and he wouldn't have that happen to me. He also said that he has suffered from our breakup and felt that any suffering he had was deserved. Blah blah BLAH!!! He made it clear that he is sticking to his decision! Overall, I think I handled myself pretty well! I didn't get any direct answers, he speaks in riddles, but I did get some answers that I needed. Does it hurt....YES!!! I have cried and I have felt bad! Nothing like the way I felt in the beginning though! I am disappointed that he is still HIM! LOL I guess I hoped for a miracle! LOL I am glad that I have my friends on here that have been a rock for me!!! Fairy, broken, kuiks, taz, eyes, coco, nickbroken, segor, dodo, hopey...I hope I didn't forget anyone (if I did I will edit lol)! I felt stronger when contacting him because I knew those guys would be there for me! Maybe now I can move on completely! It's hard! Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 My final thoughts are that there was no love, it was all a lie, and I was used! I guess this is what I thought before, I'm just not so sure my mind is clear due to my emotions. Link to comment
tazthecat Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Like I mentioned before, sometimes we need that final step with an ex to move us forward..I'm sorry Litgirl, that this happened to you, but the one thing I do agree with you're ex about is that you deserve someone better!! I hope now you can move on and heal without questions, altho I'm sure you'll always have some, we all do.. But yes, we are here for you, night and day, 24/7!! Link to comment
Brokenhearted87 Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Lit, did you just send the one email back to him? What did you say? Was it like a final "closed" email or what? I can completely empathise with ALL of those feelings. I hate thinking it was a lie, but, it was, and I can see that VERY clearly now (mine not yours). And remember: YOU DA BOMB! Link to comment
postscript Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Do you feel better after this contact, lit? It's pretty surprising, I guess it shows he was thinking of you, and if you believe what he says (about the suffering he deserves) then that's gotta make you feel better! haha. I just think it's clear that he's a bad person, he shouldn't have done those things to you, no, he should never have been stupid enough to involve someone in his life, and lie outright to them, and I guess that happens to the best of us. I hope you know that there is still only one way to go from here: UP. I know you're trying to make yourself happier, which is the most important thing. It's always good to have other things to keep you busy and keep you focused, some of the smartest people I know tell me that everything will be fine as long as I keep busy busy busy. Sometimes I hate hearing it, but I can't deny the truth! Hang in there girl! Link to comment
hennypenny3288 Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Does he want to stay friends with you? I have read most of your threads and posts and I must commend you for staying so strong with NC and not breaking. I haven't seen many people as strong as you. How did you keep so strong without breaking and wanting to see what he was up to? Link to comment
postscript Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Does he want to stay friends with you? I have read most of your threads and posts and I must commend you for staying so strong with NC and not breaking. I haven't seen many people as strong as you. How did you keep so strong without breaking and wanting to see what he was up to? True, I didn't realise! That takes so much strength to keep NC, man. Especially since you probably had a MILLION things to say. You can do this, you know it. You definitely are strong enough. Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 With NC I was protecting myself...I think more than anything, I was just afraid of what he was going to say! LOL Also, I wanted to retain the little teeny bit of self-respect I had left! He really confused me more than anthing else with his answers...but through that I acually got the answers that I need. Does that make any sense? I guess the answer is that he CAN'T be in a relationship. And he is who he is....! For a second there I felt sorry for him and I wanted to reach out! He doesn't want to be reached out to though! He was also calling me darling and beautiful! I don't know what that is about...perhaps he wants to know that I am still here and available to him. Who knows! Link to comment
postscript Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Either way I don't think he is ready for a relationship, considering what has happened with his ex girlfriend. And even with that aside, maybe he isn't capable of relationships? Did you ever get that feeling? Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 Either way I don't think he is ready for a relationship, considering what has happened with his ex girlfriend. And even with that aside, maybe he isn't capable of relationships? Did you ever get that feeling? I think that is what he meant by: "everyone I am involved with gets hurt. I deserve my own company!" Yeah, he may not be capable. Sad. The part of me that still loves him and cares about him wants to help him! I know I can't though! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 You are strong and getting stronger every day....I can tell by reading your posts. Rebuilding your life will allow you to tweak it a little and make it better than before. Keep it up girl! lost Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 You are strong and getting stronger every day....I can tell by reading your posts. Rebuilding your life will allow you to tweak it a little and make it better than before. Keep it up girl! lost Thanks Lost! Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 I guess the TRUTH is that I was used! Then tossed away in the garbage! I seem like I have it all together but I am struggling to get my confidence back! It's hard for me to even think about going on a job interview! How do I get myself unstuck??? Link to comment
EyesOnThePrize Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Lit - Given all you and I have talked about and how it seems clear to me that your ex has some issues to resolve, why do you continue to make this about what a terrible person you are? Just curious. Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 I don't think it was because I am a terrible person. It does hurt to be used though. My confidence is down...don't know why. Link to comment
greywolf Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 He said he was glad to hear from me, that he didn't think he ever would again. He said that he loved me but gave up on us because he thinks I deserve better. He said that every person who comes into his life gets hurt and he wouldn't have that happen to me. He also said that he has suffered from our breakup and felt that any suffering he had was deserved. Blah blah BLAH!!! He made it clear that he is sticking to his decision! I hate it when people say things like this, it's like saying, "I'm just a victim here. Everyone that comes into my life gets hurt and I take no responsibility for my actions. Blah blah blah, How pitiful my life is.... Woe is me.... " Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 I hate it when people say things like this, it's like saying, "I'm just a victim here. Everyone that comes into my life gets hurt and I take no responsibility for my actions. Blah blah blah, How pitiful my life is.... Woe is me.... " That's what I said to him!!!! I was pretty proud of my reply! I told him that that was a cop out!! LOL And that it was arrogant! Truthfully, I shouldn't have wasted my breath but it helped in a way! Link to comment
EyesOnThePrize Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 I don't think it was because I am a terrible person. It does hurt to be used though. My confidence is down...don't know why. Lit, I think you know I care about you and what I'm saying is from a position of caring.. I see you going into "victim" here. "It does hurt to be used though." I don't think you were used. I think you were a willing participant in everything that happened. Even choosing to move back to the US after things broke down was a choice you made. You say "I was tossed away like garbage." Again, I see victim here. He made the decision to leave you, but you choose to feel like garbage about it. I think you're a great lady, I think you deserve better, and I think the only one that will lift you out of this is you. I look at the amount of love and support that you get on these boards, and to me it seems that you want to reject a lot of it. I won't be a "rah rah" cheerleader for you to feel miserable because I think that's a cop-out. I was taught and believe that "support doesn't always look like you think it will." I get that your confidence is down right now, and I think its up to you to start rebuilding that confidence. I think you'll find plenty of people who will give you lots of support in that, too. And speaking only for myself, I'd much rather give you support in feeling great about yourself than in feeling bad about yourself. You're my friend and I don't want you to feel miserable. And I can do whatever I want and the ultimate decision is up to you. In some ways, I think you have a lot in common with my ex, and right now I'm thinking about you the way I often think about her...."I wish Lit could see herself the way I see her, and not the way she sees herself." Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 Everyone has bad days...this is just one of those for me! Link to comment
EyesOnThePrize Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Everyone has bad days...this is just one of those for me! Kewl..as long as you're recognizing it for what it is, I think that's great! Link to comment
nickbroken Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 I don't think it was because I am a terrible person. It does hurt to be used though. My confidence is down...don't know why. ....if you are a terrible person....I don't want to know what kinda person my ex was....you are one good looking terrible person though so if you are lucky I might let you be terrible to me.:splat: Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 Kewl..as long as you're recognizing it for what it is, I think that's great! I don't think I have very many bad days...and I don't think I am constantly on here feeling sorry for myself! I'm usually joking around and trying to cheer everyone up. Today...I just don't feel all that happy. I suppose I'll have other bad days until all of this finally passes (I accept that)...in time. I don't reject anyone's advice. I was just thinking about the truth of the matter...I think my ex used me to help himself through a tough time. It's the truth! I certainly wasn't a willing participant....I didn't even know his ex existed! I only learned about her when I moved over there! I think I have the right to feel the way I feel right now...and that's hurt! Yes, I will get over it! Can I have a little more time...because it has only been 2 short months since my fiance, who lied to me and decieved me about everything, ended our relationship through email! I am NOT a victim!! I am a strong, wonderful, woman who had something VERY bad happen to her and that makes me ANGRY!!! I have every right to be! Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 ....if you are a terrible person....I don't want to know what kinda person my ex was....you are one good looking terrible person though so if you are lucky I might let you be terrible to me. LOL! Nick!! I knew you were one of those masochists!!! LOL Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted May 12, 2008 Share Posted May 12, 2008 Lit I think you have been incredibly strong through this whole thing. You were lied to, promised things he had no business promising and you uprooted all that you knew for the risk of love and it didn't pay off. He did wrong you and you have every right to feel angry and do what you have to do to get through this. No one can tell you how long it will take or how to cope because it is your situation and only you know how it felt. I see you getting stronger every day and you are allowed to have bad days. Psycho thread is a testament to the fact that we all have them. The beautiful thing is that when one of us is down the other is up and we can carry each other that way. You do what you have to do to resolve your feelings and your shattered dreams and don't let anyone tell you you can't act/think or be a certain way right now. I think you are a magnifcently beautiful, strong female. You will get through this. Just have to take the good with the bad. Know I am always here Love you! Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted May 12, 2008 Author Share Posted May 12, 2008 Thanks kuiks!!!! Yes we all have bad days....luckily we have Segor and the feminine products! LOL Thanks for you support!!! Love you too! xx I guess I should have added the violin pic to a couple of my posts!! I will survive after all! Link to comment
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