my ex "moved on" and I am still "holding on".. help...

[Dancerdlk]

I really need advice. Reading this thread has been helpful although I don't know in my situation if i can compare.

 

I met my boyfriend two years ago this summer. I had just gotten out of a five year relationship and my connection with M (we'll call him this for now) really was strong. We hung out a few times - we worked together and flirted constantly. I really wasn't in the position to be in a relationship, but nor was he. However, he really courted me and swept me off my feet, and i really did get swept up. Before i knew it, he was obsessivly in love with me. To the point where he was asking me to marry him every ten minutes, and planning out our life together. We went to Hawaii, Rome, and had this WHIRLWIND romance... it was the most amazing time of my life and he made me so happy...

 

Then he got into medical school. The school was located in a different area of the state we lived in and it was a place that really held no future for me. But he begged me to live with him and move in with him. He thought that I would be really successful down there and we could begin our life together. This was one year after we started dating.

 

Then the problems started, i had a bit of a breakdown in the fall due to the change of enviornment, job changes, hormones, etc. He was extremely supportive and kind and stood by me the whole time and reallly was there for me. He was the only thing i had and i was so grateful. He loved me just so much..

 

then the spring semester started. I noticed the texts and love notes and cards that were always so ever present really diminsihing. when i tried to talk to him about it, he would just blow it off and say everything was fine, etc. I thought that my actions from the fall (I really had lost my mind at times) had put some permenant damage on our relationship. but he kept saying, just lets move forward.

 

I found out that I got into Columbia University for graduate school and we tried to talk about how to make it work next year. he even suggested that we move north a bit and both commute but it wasn't really condusive and decided to just not live together next year. he would live with a friend and i would move to nyc. (We live in Philadelphia right now).

 

But then the loss of interest got stronger and i noticed. I pushed harder to see what was wrong. the man who fought for me all the time simply stopped caring. I stopped trusting him.. he would go to medical conferences and not get home until very late and i started to worry that he was getting feelings for another girl.. all the signs were there... new wardrobe, lots of cologne, hiding his phone, always keeping it on silent, always on it, constantly getting dressed up to go to school. And when i confronted him, he kept saying it was nothing and kept getting more upset. Until finally he told me that he thought we were fizzlign out and needed a break.

 

Of course although i knew we were having problems, i wanted to work through them. And he just didnt know what he wanted. he said that his feelings changed and our relationship wans't condusive anymore. He felt that we were in a dream world the first year and now we were in reality. He was always getting mad and frusterated with me and didnt look forward to comnig home at night. He didn't want the responsibilty of being in a relationship and dealing with it and medical school. He swore up and down that there wans't anyone else and it wasn' about an "upgrade or trade in". He just wanted to be alone and "things change".

 

Well.... I found out that one week later he went on a date with another girl from his class at school. I was heartbroken.. my mind has constantly been thinking about it.. about her, what they talked about, if they kissed... etc. I am going crazy now. I asked him about it and he kept saying it wasn't about anyone else.. thats not why we broke up. And it was not my business anymore - we weren't in a relatinoship. (BTW we live together still due to school but living in two different rooms). Finally a friend told me that he was taking her to a formal event i was supposed to attend with him... I can't tell you how crushed i am. When i confronted him again, he still denyed it until someone told him that he had to tell me. He said there was someone he was interested in , and they only had one date. But i know it is serious... i checked his phone and saw all the texts... omg there were so many...

 

i believe he has been having an emotional affiar with this girl for awhile. and broke up with me so he could take it to the next step with her. He liked her better and was so sick of dealing with me and our problems. And he has the nerve to tell me that he isn't "crossing me off" and he "does care and love me" which i don't believe. He blatently lied to me about things with her...

 

I have been in nc with him for a few days now. Like i said, we still live together. i actually just my job too (when it rains it pours) so i am trying to move out.

 

I miss him so much.. i want him back so much. We were supposed to go to a concert together later in May and they way we left it was (we'll talk about it in two weeks). I don't think he wants to go with me. he's just saying it. besides he is taking this girl to a formal graduation part we were supposed to go to together in nyc (friend graduating from dental school). i assume he'll take her to the concert. When the other day, we had a really productive talk, it turned into an argument again and now he's just shut down again. I tried to tell him that I love him very much, i always have always will and i hope we have a future, that i was sorry for what i did blah blah blah and he was so indiffernt. just stood there and finally siad, im tired i want to go to sleep.

 

I serioulsy can't deal with this..

 

does anyone think that there is ANY hope for reconciliatino eventually> and that this girl isn't serious? I really thought he was the one.. and i have changed for the worse during this past year.. but i want him to see ME again for who i really AM and who he fell in love with..

 

is it too late???

 

please.. help

[Ashsun87]

First off, let me tell you that I know 100% how you feel.

 

I am going through it right now.

 

The problem is... you really can't tell if there will ever be another chance. You hear stories of people getting back together YEARS later. You also hear stories of people getting back together in two weeks.

 

As much as it hurts, he is interested in another woman right now. There is literally nothing you can do to make him want you. Nothing. In his mind this woman is new and i'm sure he views that as exciting. There is a certain mystery to her because he doesn't know her like he knows you. He probably knows mostly every little thing about you. How you laugh, how you smile, what you find funny, what you find sad. He knows all this.

 

After the "honeymoon phase", when things start becoming less exciting, is when I think certain people want a new relationship so they can feel the high that comes with that phase. The thing is, no matter what, that phase ENDS. There is nothing you can do about it. It's unfortunate that you guys are not together, and in a perfect world all of our ex's would have stayed with us through thick and thin.

 

If you have been reading this forum im sure you already know the advice you need to take. Work on yourself, improve your life. Go NC (if you decide to do that).

 

I personally find working out to be really therapeutic, it makes me feel like a million bucks sometimes.

 

The bottom line is that you did nothing wrong. You had no control over this. It is NOT your fault that this has happened, sometimes people just find someone who they think will make them happy, and they are no longer happy in the relationship that they are in.

 

My ex cheated on me with one guy, and is now dating a totally different guy. Things were amazing while we were together... then one day, everything changed. I KNOW the pain you are going through, and it will get better, I promise.

 

Right now, you need to focus on you.

[riley123]

The first thing you need to do is take one deep breath and let it out. It will make you feel better.

 

I’m sorry that you’re in such a difficult situation. My advice to you is stop thinking about an immediate fix or reconciliation. I know you think it would make you feel better, but actually, it would only make things worse. All the sad/bad feelings you are experiencing right now would come out and destroy any chance the two of you have of a future.

 

Resolve yourself to the fact that you both need some time apart. You can take small steps starting right now. The first thing you need to do is get some distance from your ex by getting out of the apartment. Can you stay with friends or family for the time being? You need to get out of that unhealthy environment as soon as you can!

 

I noticed a lot of red flags from your post, mainly that you kept blaming yourself. There are two people in every relationship and you are not responsible for 100% of the problems. He made the decision the go out and find this new person he’s interested in. It was nothing that you did, or more importantly, didn’t do that made him do that. If he was not happy in the relationship then you can’t trick or force him into staying.

 

Like I said, stop thinking about getting back together. Why would you lower yourself for that? Don’t you deserve better than the situation your in?

 

Make a personal resolution right now that you are taking control of this situation. You are moving out, you will not speak to him or contact him for a long, long time. If he calls you then don’t answer, if he texts you then ignore it. You need to completely cut off contact.

 

Focus of yourself right now. Do whatever you need to in order to make yourself happy.

 

Good luck!

[Chihuahua]

I think the message he is sending you is quite clear. He is emotionally involved with someone else and it seems that he is just trailing you along b/c he doesn't quite know how to cut you loose completely after treating you like the love of his life and moving you away from your family friends and support system. I think you should make up your mind to move on, move out and get on with your life. I would not suggest you wait around hoping to be the chosen one. He has broken your heart, don't let him damage your pride and dignity too. I don't mean to sound mean, but don't lose yourself in him and his choices. Even if he does choose you, could you trust him again? It sounds like he created a situation that has made him your everything and while that may be good for a while, it's not a very good situation to be in...from either perspective. First and foremost, move out ASAP, establish NC and set some new goals and boundaries for yourself.

[richmonder80]

Wow, your ex sickens me that he can just throw you away like trash. You need to move on to Columbia and concentrate on you. He used you for his happiness and now that hard times have come by and he is willing to just quit on you and go finding someone else to get that "initial dating high" He sickens me that he is a lying coward...the fact is that he probably courted his new girl...he sickens me that he is a user and has no heart. He just simply sickens me.

[Dancerdlk]

Thank you all so much for the posts...

 

this really sucks. An update:

 

I was staying wiht my parents for a few days and usually i work down in philly tonight so i was planning on going right to work from n. jersey.. however, i get a call from my boss who tells me they don't need me anymore and i am beign "let go".

 

and you know what? I laid on the floor of my bedroom i spent 18 years in at my parents house (my rock or my "tara" for those of you who've seen gone with the wind) and laid there. I felt this amazing sense of relief. Like "wow.. the last thread has been cut." I was staying down there pretty much for work. And now i dont have to anymore. and it was like this amazing sense of relief. and i realized that between losing M, losing my job, the current medical problems i am having and just going down this drain so fast, i have to get my life back. and i am not crying every day anymore which is a start and i realized that i have to take it one step at a time.

 

but when i came back down here, (mainly to start packing and sleep in my bed, not a couch) he was here and i got a sick feeling in my stomach. but i came in, he was asleep and here's what happened..

 

btw, i look good, not to be conceited but i lost 20 lbs thru this and actually wore nice clothes and makeup (to make myself feel better - hey its a start).

 

I walked in

HIM: (asleep in the office) Hey

ME: Hey

HIM: I thought you were working tonight

ME: I got a new job

HIM: oh... (silence) whats wrong? (I guess cause my voice wasn't the usual sweet bubbly self and more like matter of fact - which i now feel bad about)

ME: Nothing (and i went upstairs)

 

I came back down later to get something.

 

HIM: Why are you being pissy?

ME: I'm not ( i just wqasn't talking and didnt look sad or happy just indifferent)

 

I went upstairs. he xcame up to brush his teeth and put on a gallon of cologne and left without saying goodbye. (He went to the library to study with HER).

 

SIGH.

 

Question: why is it like this? Am i suppose to be happy around him (Im definitly not mopey? And i supposed to be friendly to him? Am i supposed to be cheerful? I feel like im making things worse by being like this, but i dont know what to be. if i am friendly, he'll think i am trying to start a coversation which i always have been doing in the past, but i dont know what to do. he doesn't want to talk, so i am not talking. and now that im not talking he thinks i am being a * * * * * !!!!!!!

 

 

and all i can think about is him going to meet her at the library and seeing her smiling face and him being so relieved to see her and think ," God she's so much nicer than that * * * * * at home".

 

can you sense me losing my mind?

 

Also, another question... I had gotten him a card commemorating his completion of his first year of med school *ends tomorrow). its simple, says "Congratulations" on the front and i wrote "congratulations on completion of your frist year of med school. - (My name)"

 

Should i leave it on his chair in the office where he's sleeping? or not even bother. i dont want us to hate each other which is starting to happen but i dont know how to act anymore???

 

please help, you have al been so helpful and i really appreciate the support..

 

 

Its keeping me going...

[rapunzel]

Wow, that is a really tough situation you are in. I feel for you.

 

I hope you can get out of there and as far away from him as possible as quick as you can and you should absolutely do complete NC!

 

No, I don't think you should give him the card. You don't need to reward his bad behavior. Giving him the card is not going to get you back into his good graces. Just try not to worry about what he thinks of you, remind yourself that you're a fine person, it's his loss and take care of yourself.

 

When you are around him I would suggest you try to act as nonchalant and unaffected by the situation as possible. Try not to let him get your goat. He had a lot of nerve making that "pissy" comment. I would try to avoid him as much as possible but just be light and pleasant and extremely brief when you are around him. Don't offer any details of what is going on in your personal life. And get the heck out of there as soon as you can! Concentrate on finding a new place to live or live with your parents for a while if you have to!

 

And after you leave, do NOT look back! Do not contact him, especially now that he has someone else!

 

It's really awful now but someday you will feel better. Good luck!

[Dancerdlk]

how do you think i should handle moving out? there is a lot for us to talk about and discuss regarding moving and expenses so i can't really go NC completely.

 

i can't believe he is seeing a new girl. I dont think its a rebound. he is tqalking to her like every minute texting and talking.. ugh. and they are going to be hanging out all this weekend.

 

does the pain and anxiety stop?

 

How do i deal with the rest of our unfinished business. should i tell him how i feel?

[rapunzel]

No, you cannot go No Contact until you move out, you are correct.

 

Just be as brief, businesslike and unemotional as possible when discussing the logistics with him. Make a list of the things you need to accomplish to move out and the issues you have to discuss with him. If he trys to egg you on by calling you pissy or cold or making some comment about your demeanor (because he'll expect you to be highly emotional), don't let him push your buttons or drag you into an emotional encounter. When you are alone, cry all you want but try not to do it in front of him.

 

If your unfinished business is emotional, and you feel you need to get it out, I would wait until just before you move out. Tell him how you feel before you leave, if you feel you need to, and then go No Contact. I personally think you should not give him the satisfaction of letting him see your pain, you should just take care of the business you need to and get the heck out of there! And then the healing can begin. The pain and and anxiety won't go away overnight but the sooner you get away from him and having to witness him with this new person, the sooner you can heal and move on with your life.

 

Just my opinion. Good luck!

[PixelPusher]

I"m sorry that you're in this situation but I think you're handling it well. It hurts, but as others have said: There is very little you can do. It seems his mind is made up and he's all involved with this new woman. Whether it will last or not is still up in the air but you pretty much have to treat it like it WILL last. Meaning: get YOUR life in order.

 

IF it doesn't work out, then you're still on YOUR road to recovery and happiness. If it does work out and you two get back together, then at least you've had time alone to heal and think about what you really want out of your life.

 

After my Xwife and I decided to divorce, we lived together for about 4-months while she found a job and got on her feet financially. (BTW, she emotionally and physically cheated on me, too). It was TERRIBLE to live in the same house with her, even though I moved into the guest bedroom. But what I did to make it slightly bearable was to just treat her neutrally. We made our decision and treated each other like cordial room-mates. Each one of us had our own time apart to vent to friends, cry, whatever. But we pretty much lived our own lives.

 

I suggest you get out and go NC as soon as possible. If you can't, then just be as neutral as possible. Do NOT let him get you upset with immature "why are you pissy" comments.

 

And no, I wouldn't give him the card.

[Dancerdlk]

Thanks Pixel...

 

May i ask, how did you get thru it? living with her?

 

Are there any chances for reconciliation?

 

Thanks...

[PixelPusher]

How did I get through it? Just put my head down and plowed through it. It was by far the darkest days of my life and if I had the choice again, I would have moved out immediately. But I felt some weird sense of obligation to stay and support her until she got on her feet.

 

It was unbelievably tough to treat her with neutrality considering she was still seeing/sleeping with the guy she cheated on me with. I got to hear her come home at 3am, drunk, from out partying with him. I got to hear the whispered phone calls, the sneakiness on the computer. And yet still had to pay bills with her, talk about splitting up debt/assets... all the while pretending to still be together for friends. I was close to suicide and was relieved when she got a job so I could move out.

 

There was never a chance for reconciliation in my mind. She had utterly destroyed my heart and my trust. The thought of her having sex with that guy down the hall from where I was sleeping in the guest room made me physically ill. Thankfully she never brought him around when I was there. But just seeing her began to repulse me.

 

LOL So no... it never even crossed my mind to get back with her. The moment she cheated, the relationship was forever dead in my eyes. She cheated on me once before and I forgave her... but the 2nd time was the final straw.

[Dancerdlk]

how did you get over those feelings of suicide? I mean i know that no guy is worth it... but i am so low... his new perfect life with this girl makes me so depressed. how he could just toss me and our love aside for this new perfect girl who is in his class and is perfect for him.. how do you deal with the rejection of.. I wasn' the one...?

 

I am spirling down.. need to get out...

[PixelPusher]

how did you get over those feelings of suicide? I mean i know that no guy is worth it... but i am so low... his new perfect life with this girl makes me so depressed. how he could just toss me and our love aside for this new perfect girl who is in his class and is perfect for him.. how do you deal with the rejection of.. I wasn' the one...?

 

I am spirling down.. need to get out...

 

Well I guess my anger overcame my self-pity and questioning. But you're right... NO person is worth taking your life over, no matter how romantic it may seem.

 

The guy is confused, immature and he messed up. You may not ever get closure from him... it has to come from within you. YOU know you are worth better treatment. It's his loss. It's easy for me to say now because I'm almost over 2.5 years out of my mess. I felt immediately better (but still had lots of lows) after I moved out. Just keep concentrating on you and do things you like to do. Keep plugging away and you'll do fine.

[Ashsun87]

how did you get over those feelings of suicide? I mean i know that no guy is worth it... but i am so low... his new perfect life with this girl makes me so depressed. how he could just toss me and our love aside for this new perfect girl who is in his class and is perfect for him.. how do you deal with the rejection of.. I wasn' the one...?

 

I am spirling down.. need to get out...

 

Why kill yourself over someone who doesn't care about you? YES, the pain is unbearable. YES, I used to think of killing myself. YES, life is beyond unfair sometimes.

 

NO, it is not worth it.

 

How is this girl perfect? Is anyone perfect? No, no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws, everybody is different. She is NEW, that is it.

 

I seriously can't stress enough that I have seen this pain. I have literally laid in bed all day and cried, screaming at God asking WHY, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME!?

 

The truth is... you two were not meant to be. Hearing those words is crushing, I know. People said the same thing to me, and I wanted to strangle them.

 

"NO, ITS NOT TRUE, WE LOVED EACH OTHER SO MUCH."

 

I used to say.

 

But really, your "one" is out there. He's going to be the most amazing guy you have ever met. He's going to STICK with you through think and thin, and he's going to make you SO damn happy you will look back and wonder why you cried these tears, why you wanted to die, all for what?

 

YOU deserve better.

 

One day, everything will be better.

[greywolf]

he's just the kind of guy that can't stay in a long-term relationship. Pretty soon he'll get tired of his new girl and dump her too. It has nothing to do with you.

[Dancerdlk]

but grey, his last two relatinoships ended after at least 2 years.. i was the quickest i guess.. we were almost two.. his last two girls were 2 years, and 3 years.. (and he broke up with both of them i believe).

 

and the worst part is he made this big to-do about not hating each other cause he hated his exs and despised them and he didnt feel that way about me and didnt want to..

 

bs bs bs

 

why would he say that???? We are getting to the point where we DO hate each other when i went to talk to him today to tell him about the release letter we need for our apt, he just started yelling "we've been thru this" but we haven't.. and when i mentioned the utilities (to tell him iw as going to cancel them but needed his signature) he started getting pissy asnd yelling again about how he's not even going to be living here, why are we talking about it again.. and when i told him why i mentioned it (for a new reason) and i was quite calm and normal by the way and i asked him why he was yelling over this, he responded with "cause you're being a bi&ch".

 

* * * ?!?!? I was NOT being a bi*ch. AT ALL!! I was totally calm and normal. he just wants to get me going to validate his decision i guess..

 

your thoughts on any of this?

 

PS. he went out with and is staying with HER tonight... i am sick. just so sick over this.. after everything i did for him (and i made mistakes too) but all the things i did for him that were good, standing by him.. and he's treating me like this?!??!?!?!

 

WHY!?!?

[greywolf]

But honestly, 2 years isn't that long (I don 't think so anyway). You're barely getting out of the 'honeymoon' stage at that point. Did he live with his exes? Could it be possible that the newness of the relationship wore off more quickly because you guys lived together?

[greeneyedgal]

I'm sorry - I've been following your thread and there are a lot of similarities here with my situation. My ex broke up with me a month after I moved in with him and I'm still trying to get on my feet almost a year later to move out. He's seeing other/s - can't (don't care to) keep track anymore. It's a hard situation and difficult to stay 'neutral and pleasant' every single day because I still have feelings for him. I keep reminding myself of his bad qualities to remain sane. I know the real healing wont happen till I move out of here but I feel abysmal in the meantime. Some of the advice offered here is really good! Please PM me if you can in the meantime if you want to chat or for support.

[Dancerdlk]

thanks greeneye and grey

 

so... i had to run some errands in town and wouldn't you know, i happened to drive past my ex's car in a parking lot of an apartment where i know we don't know anyone (together) I was told he was staying with his friend who lives in a differnt complex...

 

and i know for a fact, he went out and partied hard last night.

 

and now i know that he stayed with her.

 

i dont know if he slept with her, but i think that if he didnt, it would be worse...

 

if he did, then he's a scumbag...

 

oh my god, when i saw his car i almost threw up.. now im back its like 7 am and i want to crawl into bed and die. i can't believe that he would do this to me... he started seeing her like one week after we "broke up" and like i said, i think he's been emotionally cheating for weeks.

 

how? how do i handle this emotion??

[Dancerdlk]

by the way grey,

 

the first 5 months of living together were fine.. i had a few breakdowns, (considering the situation of uprooting and movign and leaving my whole life for him) but he was so supportive..

 

he started to pull awya in the spring after a few fights we had.. like the calls and texts were less and less.. and i knew somethign was going on.. but whenever i tried to talk to him about it, he just blew it off or we got into an arugement..

 

it gotto be too much for him and he didn't want to work on it anymore. he was done, couldn't try anymore and woldn't you know, he found himself a new girl with no problems and they get along so great.. so in his brain, she's better for him and he's relieved to get rid of me.

 

....

[joejoechen]

I think the problem is that maybe you were a bit panic when you found out about his new girl friend. Look, this is important, normally a new relationship that emerges from an existing relationship won't last long, it's most probably that he found something that you don't have, or you have been missing out all the while from the "new" girl.

 

you should most likely focus on the source of the problem, and talk to him about it, if you still do love him, say that you'll make changes, provided that the changes won't hurt you, nor someone else.

 

The more you argue with him about the "new" girl, the more he perceives that she's a better version of "you", you don't want that to happen, do you? so, act as his friend, let him date her, stay calm, let him open up his heart willingly to talk to you.

 

Cheers~

[Dancerdlk]

Thanks Joe..

 

i was thinking of calling him tomorrow (mothers day) to meet with him tomorrow night somewhere on neutral terretory. we will both be at our family's homes which are near each other so this way, we won't be at the apartment..

 

this is what i want to talk about..

 

how i feel betrayed and lied to that the reasons he gave me for ending the relationship seem to be false (whithout mentioning HER)

 

that he made this big show about "not being the end end" and not writing us off and not hating me like his other exs but his behavior is indicating that he DOES hate me and DOES NOT see any future for us. i want to ask him about this

 

I want to tell him that he created this situation that i reacted to when he begged me to move down there with him. that he didnt want to include me in his lief and it caused a problem

 

i want to knwo what his problem was? Where we went wrong.

 

i want to apologize for my mistakes adn point out his.

 

i want him to sign the appropriate paperwork regarding our lease and bills.

 

i want to give him back the ring he gave me. I dont want it

 

i need to return his credit card and key.

 

i want to tell him that i want to try again and start fresh.. after everything we've been through, we deserve that. We were an "us" and i dont want that to end.

 

 

BUT i dont know if this is the best of ideas.. i mean he could just meet me, want to sign the papers adn take off. i dont think he really cares anymore but i need some sort of closure... i deserve it with the way he is treating me..

 

what do you think? any thouhgts or advice?