What would you say?

[_Asti_]

Just looking for some opinions on this subject/area.

 

I am tired of people watching my relationship. Like they are looking for some big screw up and for us to fail.

 

My main thing that gets to me is people reporting to me of what my boyfriend does. Mainly, talk to girls.

 

Quite frankly I don't give a crap. We have solid trust, good communication, I have been secure, and we're good.

 

But lately..I'm just overly paranoid about my image if you can call it that.

 

My boyfriend is an open, extrovert, social, confident, outgoing, etc type of guy. He likes being around people, any gender, you name it. If there's people, he's there.

 

But it just seems that at any given point, there's a crowd of girls around him wherever we go. And the times when I am not out with him at a party or a club, I get 2-3-4 people telling me the next day of what he was doing..talking with girls. Woopeee. To me, its not big deal.

 

But I'm starting to develop some sort of insecurity I suppose about it, and how people perceive me. If they think I'm sort of idiot because I am at home in bed, and my boyfriend is out with girls. Last weekend he was out and the next morning my sister and her friends all said they saw him, and they all made a point of commenting that he was with a girl.

 

How do I respond to that? Without being blunt and telling them to screw off. I always try and change the subject, or try and ignore it..but I just want everyone to shut up for once and for all. I start to get the feeling that they all think I am an idiot..

[Catdancer]

Have you told your BF that all these people are reporting back to you? What does he think of it? If you are secure and KNOW that he's not a player, you should tell these people exactly that. He is a very sociable guy and talks to EVERYONE, not just other guys. Tell them that you trust him and you dont have to be by his side to baby him every minute of the day. Ask them politely to keep their opinions to themselves UNLESS they see him behaving in a manor that will hurt you (i.e. kissing other girls, fondling them, etc).

[Excalibur]

when people bring thier concerns to you about your situation - they're just saying "I would not be comfortable with this if it were happening to me."

 

They're not judging you - they're just letting you know of the situation so that you can evaluate for yourself if you're comfortable with it.

 

In a way - here's where you're at. It's a bad example - but it works.

 

Many women having an affair with a married man are approached by their friends to remind them "you can't marry a married man" - "you know that he'll do to you, what he's doing with you, if you try to get serious later on" - "most married men don't leave their wives, particularly if there are children."

 

If you're having na affair with a married man hoping to marry him - all that advice and information would be warranted.

 

If you're a single woman, having a fling with the most sexy and stimulating man in all regards you've ever met, and spending more time or more public time with him is not on your priority list - then these friends are making you ware of what you already know, but in light of who you are and what you want from this association, what they're saying isn't relevant to your position.

[_Asti_]

Yes, there was one incident where a friend had broken up with her boyfriend and turned to my boyfriend for comfort I thought it crossed the line a little, what she was expecting from him, and what she was doing. And especially one night, after he left my place and went and rescued her from the bar because she was a having a complete melt down, and my sister and her friends saw him 'take a crying girl into his car' and then they get home, and little old me is sleeping away innocently in bed.

 

After that I told him how I felt, and what people were saying. And that he may not think its a big deal, or may not think twice, but people are noticing your behavior.

 

He cut all contact with that girl, and was completely mortified and embaressed and felt soooo awful for days about it.

 

So I know he doesn't mean it. Its just who he is, and has always been.

[_Asti_]

when people bring thier concerns to you about your situation - they're just saying "I would not be comfortable with this if it were happening to me."

 

They're not judging you - they're just letting you know of the situation so that you can evaluate for yourself if you're comfortable with it.

 

 

I think thats a great point. These people that are insistant on pointing it out, have all been hurt, betrayed or have had * * * * ty relationships. So far, I have been the one with the decent relationship.

 

Its just feel weird, that I'm not bothered by what he's doing, because I know its nothing..but I care so much about what other people think or perceive about me in the situation.

[ghost69]

i usually don't tell girls how i feel about their scummy bf until they break up. i think it's rude. unless they ask. my guy friends get lip from me about the girl they are seeing all the time. lol

[Catdancer]

He cut all contact with that girl, and was completely mortified and embaressed and felt soooo awful for days about it.

 

So I know he doesn't mean it. Its just who he is, and has always been.

 

There's your answer. That's what you say to the people who are trying to interfere. If you know he's a good guy, dont let these other people fill you with insecurities and ideas that arent even there. It will lead to the downfall of your relationship. Sometimes you just have to say "back off".

[_Asti_]

There's your answer. That's what you say to the people who are trying to interfere. If you know he's a good guy, dont let these other people fill you with insecurities and ideas that arent even there. It will lead to the downfall of your relationship. Sometimes you just have to say "back off".

 

I just don't know how to say it to them, or how to respond in a manner where I can truly say that I'm not bothered about it, without seeming like I am in denial.

[Excalibur]

I just don't know how to say it to them, or how to respond in a manner where I can truly say that I'm not bothered about it, without seeming like I am in denial.

 

Having been where you are in pretty much - this always worked for me.

 

"I appreciate your concerns. I realize what you're saying has validity and relevance (pick your own big words - LOL!). It is so reassuring to know that you care about me and my best interests enough to bring this to my attention."

 

Every time, i meant it it really is a statement to how much they admire and like you as a person - for them to bring this to your attention.

 

You acknowledging that aspect - which is really the point of their input - allows thier input to fall off the topic of conversation for defense or justification.

[_Asti_]

Hmm yea, I see what you're saying.

 

But its just sometimes how they word it, its not in a way that they are concerned about it, more of a 'shove it in your face' that your boyfriend is doing these things.

 

Most of the time it feels as if, its not a 'looking out for your best interest' kind of situation, but more like a cheap jab at me and my relationship.

[Batya33]

That's easy - then they're not really your friends and if they're not then don't take their calls.

[_Asti_]

Its not the calls, its dealing with them face to face the morning after, whether I like it or not.

 

I don't have an exceptional social circle, my best friend of ten years tried breaking me and my boyfriend apart, I have a hard time trusting people, so most of the people I deal with are social aquaintances, and the close friends I do, don't say those things...

 

But I'm talking people you run into, people who send you a message randomly on the computer, things like that. Where they feel the need to inform me of my boyfriend's behavior.

[Batya33]

Well, thank goodness for blocking e-mails and thank goodness for being able to interrupt someone and say "thanks but I'd rather not talk about that topic."

 

Sounds like there is a part of you that likes the attention or at least prefers that attention to no attention.

[_Asti_]

Right, I enjoy people thinking my boyfriend is a pig

 

Forget it.

[Excalibur]

How you respond is the point...not what you think they 'intended".

[_Asti_]

What do you mean?

 

I am looking how to respond. What do I say when I see someone who says "I saw Will last night at this club...he was with all this girls.." I want a way to say that I don't give a * * * * . I tend to just ignore it and steer the conversation away and not comment, but they feel the need to tell me every freakin time.

 

Whether it be on Facebook, MSN, face to face, or through the grapevine from other people...

 

They aren't looking out for my best interest, thats not what they are doing.

[Excalibur]

If they say "I saw Will last night at the "X" club and he was with all these girls' - if you put no inflection or assumption in it - they're simply stating they saw him with other women in a particular place.

 

You're responding to what you "think they mean" - and if you respond to what they specifically say - you can't go wrong.

 

Thank you for telling me or yes, I know, "how nice for him".....as that is all they did - tell you whee they saw him and what he was doing when they saw him...they're not saying 'he's cheating, he's unfaithful, you're stupid for being with someone that does this" - that is what you hear them saying and it's what you want to respond to...but it is not the words coming out of thier mouth.

 

Hear in "monotone' without inflection or implication, and you'll respond to what is said.

[_Asti_]

I guess so, but I guess I am assuming, because why do they feel the need to mention 'he was walking down the street with a girl...' its like, big deal, who cares.

 

I just don't get why they don't saw they just saw him last night, or saw him with his friends..its always girls. And I know he's not out with just girls..but the minute he's seen with a girl, they report it to me.

 

Its like the only time I ever hear about him from other people is when he's with a girl. I get the feeling that they think I'm some sort of idiot, or trying to prove his behaviors.

[Excalibur]

It's you assuming what they "think" - that you're responding to - and it fuels their need to tell you what they see when they see it.

[_Asti_]

How should I respond? I tell them "Thats nice.." "I know..." "Yea, he was out for her birthday.." And I respond according because I know he was walking down the street with the girl, and even said "Yea, it was so and so..he gave her a ride home..."

 

I constantly know where he is, who he's with, etc etc..he tells me everything and calls me continously during the night..I know what he's doing..so its no surprise when they tell me these things so I just respond accordingly, or just ignore it and steer the conversation in another direction..when I know certain people are trying poke further.