Why do I always end up with friends that are in bad situations?

[Iwantittoend]

I don't know why this happens to me, but I seem to always end up getting close with people in bad home/financial situations. This even started when I was a kid. In my old neighborhood, I used to hang out with these 2 girls that grew up in abusive homes. I always had them stay over my house because I didn't want them going home to face the crap they did. They always confided in me when they needed help. I was basically the person they looked up to. Then one day I moved away, and that was the last I saw of them.

 

I realize that now I am getting myself into these situations again. I was introduced to a girl about 2 years ago (that is now my best friend) who had a terrible childhood growing up. She was raped, did drugs/alcohol, got pregnant, etc. She moved up in this area and was related to a close friend of the family. We ended up meeting up and really clicking. She trusted me so much that she told me all about her past within a week of meeting her. She told me I was the greatest guy in the world, and that she was lucky to have such a caring friend as me. We've known each other for about 2 years now, and she still has a lot of emotional baggage, but always comes to me like I am the one to look up to.

 

Same goes for a male friend of mine. He's in a terrible situation, and always comes to me for guidance and help. Now, I have no problem being this type of person, but these friendships seem to be me giving so much of myself that it sometimes drains me...if that makes any sense. I really don't have many regular friendships. I guess you can say that I don't relate as well to the "normal" people so to say. I don't know why either.

 

I guess you can call me the fixer, and I'm not sure why I ended up this way. I grew up in a good home. I got everything I ever needed and more. But I find myself being there so much for others in need and growing friendships with people in bad situations.

 

Is anyone else like this? Or can anyone offer insight into why this is happening?

[Haven]

These sound more like counselor-patient relationships than actual friendships..? You may just not have described your friendships fully. But from what you did describe, it sounds like you are giving and they are taking, and the reverse (them giving and you taking) isn't happening at all. Unless you are confident that your friends would help you out if you were ever in a tight spot, or if you do have fun with your friends, then I would reconsider the nature of these friendships.

 

As for why this is happening... I'd guess that you're a nice guy, the kind who always offers support and advice and just wants to be there for his friends. The issue may be that you're passively waiting for people to want to be your friend and to contact you. The people who do contact you are looking for support, etc, so they end up being your 'friends'. I mean, I don't know, since you didn't mention anything about this. But if your friends are the ones who initiate contact most of the time, and you rarely initiate plans with anyone else, then that may be the reason why this happens.

[tangi39]

Well, on the plus side- You must be a really nice guy that people trust and feel they can rely on. Let me ask- with your friends ? Does it concern their problems EVERY time you hang out or just sometimes ?

IMHO, real friends talk about everything including problems, pasts, etc. Nothing needs to be barred or censored. Now, if it becomes that that's what the entire relationship is composed of, that's a different story.

As for myself, I wouldn't consider anyone a real friend that I couldn't talk about real problems with- People that I just have fun with and "hang out " with but don't really know me or anything about my life- I consider to be merely acquaintances and not friends. Maybe you want these more casual friendships ?

Or is it that you just want to not hear problems ALL the time ? I think you need to describe the nature of these friendships more.

Is it they JUST want to talk about their problems and nothing else ? Or is it that you just feel weighted by listening to them often (but you still do and talk about other things) ? I know what you mean about feeling like you "attract" people with issues-

But I have learned that most people have issues - it's just you don't hear about them unless you get close. If you think someone doesn't have any- You probably just don't know them very well.

[Censored]

You end up with these "friendships" because on a subconscious level you seek them out.

 

You seek people that need to be "taken care of".

 

Some people do this with partners too.

[Iwantittoend]

I do enjoy having friendships with these people. I didn't mean to make it sound like they are these people that just come to me when they have problems. Whenever I hang out with them, I do have fun and the problems usually don't arise. But there are more times than not when they'll call and need help with their problems and will basically expect me to help them in a way. They don't say that, but I know that's what they're thinking. It can get tiresome after awhile because I'm not a counselor. I'm just a regular guy going through a lot of problems myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too nice and I also wonder if they'd be there for me if I was in a tough spot. I'm really not sure if they would.

 

 

 

I like these people a lot. They are good friends, and they don't really weigh me down, but it gets to the point where it seems like my advice isn't doing much for them and they always come back with the same problems.

 

There are times when I wished I had more casual friends that didn't call me ALL the time. On the other hand, it is nice to have people that look up to and depend on you. I just wish I could take a break from it sometimes and do something for ME and not for others.

 

 

 

You could be right. I may not even know I'm doing it and it just happens.

 

I actually had an ex girlfriend with similar problems, and I ended up trying to be the great guy to bring her out of it. She looked at me like I was the best person in the world, but couldn't stay in the relationship because she said I was too good to her. If that makes any sense.

 

Maybe I just relate to these people better for some reason. I just need to figure out why it's happening.

[Haven]

I do enjoy having friendships with these people. I didn't mean to make it sound like they are these people that just come to me when they have problems. Whenever I hang out with them, I do have fun and the problems usually don't arise. But there are more times than not when they'll call and need help with their problems and will basically expect me to help them in a way. They don't say that, but I know that's what they're thinking. It can get tiresome after awhile because I'm not a counselor. I'm just a regular guy going through a lot of problems myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too nice and I also wonder if they'd be there for me if I was in a tough spot. I'm really not sure if they would.

 

I have a friend who is a nice guy like that. He has his own issues and such, but a lot of his friends turn to him for support and advice. I think part of it is that he always makes time to listen, even if he is busy. A lot of people will not answer calls or text messages, or just won't be very supportive in general. However, this friend will almost always respond to calls/messages.

 

So perhaps part of it is that you're always there for them? You could try referring them to other people who might help them. For example, if a friend is having financial problems, you could refer them to a financial advisor at a bank. Or if a friend is having boyfriend issues, you could refer her to another friend who is female and is more likely to relate. Good luck with everything. Also, kudos on being a nice guy. It's difficult to always be there for people. If it's getting to be too much, you may just have to give less of yourself.