Almost a year now

[HeartBrokenInPL]

I've been actively reading these forums and I've related with others' pain on many occasions. Its been almost a year since my ex of 3.5 years broke up with me online over a chat program(pretty low that she did it in that fashion). It was a LDR and I've been seeing her on every weekend I could make myself available.

 

The break up came as a shock to me. There were rough patches in the relationship, due to me not being able to come down to visit her for one reason or the other...but never in all 7 years of knowing each other have we fought. One of her reasons that we broke up was that it was NOT normal that we never fought

 

After pleading and begging for a second chance, I decided that NC is the best thing I could do. I went NC about a month after the break up. Before the NC, I met with her to talk about this break up. She seemed distant and not caring, which I couldn't believe as I never saw her like that before. During our walks to the forest where we once did as 16 year olds when we first met, she was busy writing text messages to a guy. Her entire attention was focused on her cell phone during any talks I've had with her which obviously angered me on the inside. After seeing who I am now dealing with her... that is when I went NC. She breaks NC by sending me an email asking how I was doing. I did not write back.

 

In July (the break up occurred in May), I get a message from a "guy friend" of hers who I knew during the entire relationship. I never thought anything of him. He was a loner, making hip hop his way of life, a goofy-looking guy who enjoyed being philosophical. I thought of him as nothing more as a friend of my ex. I found out from my ex that not only did she break up with me, but she for some reason ended her friendship with this guy, too. I thought that was strange and started thinking into it. For sure it must have had some meaning. So I blatantly asked him... if he has had sex with my ex during my relationship. He answered yes on several different occasions. Hearing this totally put me into a mess. Here I believed my ex in being this caring, nice girl that everyone liked.... and here I get confirmation that she has been cheating on me for atleast 2 years and I was so blind to not see that.

 

A few days later, I sent a reply to my ex's email on "how I was doing". I wrote a lengthy email, saying what I've learned about myself from this break up.What I learned about my ex being not the person that I knew.. and that she should be ashamed of herself for doing what she did to me and to atleast 2 other men who were apparently in love with her. I never went into details, but made it pretty clear that I had my suspicions that she has been cheating on me. She never wrote back to that message and that was the last of any contact that I've had with her. From that point, I deleted and destroyed/burned everything that was from her or that dealt with her. I started my fresh start, met other people and have focused on making myself a better person.

 

However, to this day, I subconsciously think of what my ex did to me. I boil on the inside and makes me believe that the only female I can ever trust is my very own mother. How did I not even consider that she could be cheating on me??? Here I am, the most honest person that she's ever met... telling her EVERYTHING, having a good relationship with her brother, mother and father... and not one person I've met could say a single bad thing about myself... being as good of a bf as I could... and she does this to me. The other guy was as I said, an unemployed , goofy-looking wannabe who didn't even finish any schooling with no future An insult to me that she cheated with someone like that. Will I ever find peace in me to forgive the hell that my ex put me through? Will I ever be to look at another female without thinking she could play me as my ex did? Will I be able to love someone without being hurt the way my ex did? Those are some questions I still have a year on.....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your ex is a loser...do not let her actions dictate how you view people and life and do not regret being an honest person. Sure there are a lot of dishonest people around...but a lot of dishonest people are not exactly happy people...people who make a point of using others are not happy people because they are not independent people. Users are very very dependent on others so they are always out there looking for their next supply...they are too busy looking elsewhere and not really enjoying what they have. Your ex may get a wonderful vacation out of the deal but when it is over she still has to return to her humdrum life. That relationship will get old very quickly. It is not an insult to you that she cheated with someone like that...it is actually an insult to her because she is the one who settled for the McDonald's hamburger when she could have had the rib steak. If anything you should view her as pathetic and sad.

[lou31]

im really sorry for what has happened to you. dont beat yourself up about it. you had a lucky escape and one day you wont even care anymore. believe that.

 

she is the fool. please dont fall into that trap of thinking you will never be able to trust anyone again. i know its easy to do. and i know its bad enough to cope with a broken relationship never mind the insult she caused by cheating too. but if stay stuck in that way of thinking it will do you more harm than good. i know she let you down and this has come as such a shock when you trusted her. but you can hold your head high and keep your dignity. my guess is your email will have shaken her up. she needed to hear what you had to say and i thinks its good she now knows you dont even respect her anymore because you know what she did. that doesnt sit well with most people. she doesnt seem able to be honest and what she did was inexcusable. in a way its good she didnt respond, anything she could have said would only have upset you more. she knows she cant excuse what she did so she stays silent. but she knows what you think of her now. let her live her life and she will probably keep making mistakes.

 

men and women both cheat. some people are just able to do it and some arent. some regret it and some only feel a twinge of guilt. some people might even feel nothing. but they are not happy people. i firmly believe you cannot go through life screwing people over without it coming back to haunt you at some point. you can be safe in the knowledge that you are by far the better person, i know its hard. not all women are like that. and not all men are like that. its easy in your darkest moment to think the whole world is against you but you will come back from this. you have had a shock and you will recover. it will make you stronger and you will eventually meet someone who will make you wonder what you ever saw in her. that is a good feeling. believe me. you think it will never happen. but when it does its great, and it closes the door on your past.

 

accept this will take some time, your feelings are natural and you will begin to feel better slowly. you are the better person. she has to answer her own conscience whilst yours can be clear.

 

i wish you luck and please dont give up on the rest of the female population because of her. be happy is the best 'revenge' ou will get. you wont even care about her when you find someone a million times better. and you will.

[keenan]

i'm sorry. that's really painful.

 

some people cheat. most people don't.

 

you talk a lot about feeling angry on the inside. you also say that your ex mentioned that never arguing was a cause of your breakup. next time you're in a relationship (which WILL happen, trust me), consider being more upfront about your emotions--even the negative ones. sometimes disclosing anger and fear can actually bring people closer together (as long as it's not destructive).