Day by Day Let us all know!

[JimmerJammer]

Despite getting pretty well about 4 hours of rest I managed to wake myself up when my, heck I don't know what to refer her as anymore lol With the way things have been going lately it's been quite hard to comprehend what's happening between us. I absolutely want another chance with her and she seems to want the same. What pleases me the most is how it appears she is on the same page as me. I really do want to take it slow so as to work on building trust and being good friends. I don't want to rush it with her given this second chance we have, I want to make sure we're both ready to try again.

 

I can't speak for her, but I know myself that I am very much enjoying the dialogue between us and want it to continue. I feel she really is trying here and it makes me feel happy to know how she is holding out and that she is doing things for me and herself. I mean it's stuff like how we both seem to understand the importance of taking things slowly. It was quite reassuring to hear her say these things as it allows me to relax more, open up more and trust her more. Just as I hope it allows that for her too. As long as we continue to be faithful, trustworthy, caring, honest and genuine then I only see us building on a very fantastic thing.

[ccali78]

today was a big day. I officially said good bye.

[Keyman]

Well today has worked out quite well. I have stepped further away from her. While on a course with two of my female workmates today, I brought up something that has been going around in my head for a couple of weeks. Nearly a month ago she said she would think about whether she wants to be friends...it's her way. But I have heard nothing, and I just said to myself she doesn't want to be friends. Fine. But this got me angry.

 

talking to my female workmates, they said a couple of simple things that have really done good.

 

"You don't need her as a friend, you've got friends."

"You're a great guy and it's her loss."

 

From that I feel absolutely great, it's amazing!

[ccali78]

I have started over again and now am on 2 hours of NC. I responded to an email he sent. It was not a plea just a response to his email to let him know he did not ruin my life. I feel good about it for the moment, I just hope I can continue to be strong.

[Panda2008]

Well today has worked out quite well. I have stepped further away from her. While on a course with two of my female workmates today, I brought up something that has been going around in my head for a couple of weeks. Nearly a month ago she said she would think about whether she wants to be friends...it's her way. But I have heard nothing, and I just said to myself she doesn't want to be friends. Fine. But this got me angry.

 

talking to my female workmates, they said a couple of simple things that have really done good.

 

"You don't need her as a friend, you've got friends."

"You're a great guy and it's her loss."

 

From that I feel absolutely great, it's amazing!

 

It is her loss, you seem like a really decent bloke.

[JimmerJammer]

I'm so exhausted and when I wake up in the morning I don't see how I'm going to be in good condition lol. I got back from the gym completely drained and still had some things to do before going to bed. It was a good workout and I found out today when I weighed myself that I am at 195! I'm getting very close to my goal and I can see a bit of the tops of my abs beginning to show. My new jeans are fitting better and I'm feeling more energetic despite getting about 7 hours of sleep yesterday and 5 hours the day before. It's not something I would normally do to myself. I've been getting used to keeping active while maintaining balance to the rest of my life too. It's proving difficult, but I'll get it right.

 

I'd say my situation is complicated at this point as I know I am ready to try again with my ex even though I want us to go slow and communicate. So while I want to refer her as my Long distance gf, I think to myself "ok is that rushing it?" I feel like we're coming along already pretty nicely. I know I don't think of her in terms any more as my ex, but I still don't know what to refer to her as lol In any case we still maintain regular contact and it appears that she's willing to honor putting off getting involved with anyone for the sake of being together again when she gets back. I know I wasn't worried about finding someone else just as it seemed she too was already well in a position to do the same, just that we both found that we missed the other quite a lot and that deep down there's something there I know at least I can't deny. It's very fortunate to the both of us that we want the other as we do.

[arcadefire]

Well just found out yesterday he had a new girlfriend for a couple days. I feel used, thrown away, and never been cared for, like some old raggedy stuffed animal thrown into the salvation army bin or something.

 

Blocked him on facebook finally. So I could stop torturing myself with any knowledge that he has moved on and never cared for me.

[Keyman]

Today I am a little shacken. I went to see a councillor last night to talk about the my depression brought on by the relationship and I have come away with two distinct things from it.

 

Firstly, I am in denial that the relationship is at an end. This is very interesting for me, as I do not actually want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Sure I would like to be her friend, but I feel that I am more than happy to be out of this relationship and moving on. I would rather see less of her than more of her, but I would still like to see her occasionally and hang out. The reason I am in denial isn't because I want to lose her... but works in with the second part...

 

Secondly, I have a lot to work on myself with. I have had an issue from when I was younger about finishing things. I never used to finish anything, and my mother yelled at me one day telling me this fact. From then on, I have tried to prove her wrong and with a passion. I will force myself to finish something that I hate. An example is the book I'm reading at the moment. 400 pages and I'm 150 pages into it and I can't stand it. It's not horrible, but I am finding it boring. I have put it down to the relationship falling apart that I can't concentrate on it, but I understand better now that this is not the case. It's that I don't want to admit that I can put it down unfinished. And this is what is happening with the ex. It's not her that I want, it is the fact that I don't believe I have finished it. I need to put it down and leave it, enough already. So I am going away to work on this biggie! Soon it will be over.

[hamsalad]

Keyman, hang in there, soldier! The battle is in full swing and you need to have the strength to make it through. Don't give up and make sure to use everything at your disposal to make it work in your favor. I am glad you are getting professional help.

 

One day you will be over and done with all of this nonsense. Onward...

[Keyman]

Thank Hamdude, I am fighting hard, and throwing everything I can at it. The professional help has strengthened my resolve. In a funny way, I am actually glad it's not so much about her, because you can't control another person. Being as the problem(s) stem from within, once identified, can be beaten! Now where was that RPG launcher...

[xtiarax]

A month and two days- I AM HAPPPPPPPPYYYYY

[JimmerJammer]

Today was a fantastic day. I realized something that really made me think. Lately I've been really scared to have any feelings for my ex and to be really honest, I don't truly know myself how I feel. I love her as a friend, but with how she has been towards me these last few days, I suspect something is up. She again owes me nothing at this point, but I KNOW she is hiding something from me. I just know it. During our relationship she would always get edgy with me and take very long pauses. To the point of being oddly quiet out of no where.

 

Which happened today and a bit yesterday. The last time she was like this was when she was talking to her ex bf, so I have a suspicion that she is at it again with him. I'm not going to do this anymore and what I realized today upon thinking isn't that she can hurt me, nah she lost that ability, but that she's doing to me exactly what he was doing to her. I'm not going to sit around anymore if this is how she chooses to be.

 

I know lately my emotions have got the best of me as I'm so freaked out by her doing this to me again that I realized I don't trust her to tell me the truth consistently. She lies to me and I'm done being with people that want to lie to me. They can do better and I won't allow myself to be subject to their thinking I'm going to just tolerate it. My friends are knowing better than to lie to me even though I'm sure they do, but honesty is VERY important to me. So because of this I told her that I was going to leave it up to her as at this point it is up to her. I may not even hear from her again and to be honest it's a reality that really paints a clear picture and that is definitely that I had been foolish to trust her and that she's lost her chance with me. That's only if I am right about my intuition. We'll see though, she may surprise me yet.

[chrissykissy83]

im feeling quite bad today, missing him and wanting him back. maybe its because im tired from work and everything, but while in the supermarket tonight seeing couples choosing wine and crisps made me think me and him were doing that not long ago, and we were really happy. and we'd be buying holiday clothes around now too

so im drinking wine, and crying like a big baby.

[desi1987]

Today makes a week..YAYY..lol

 

No but today would have been two weeks had i not broken contact wed before last. Still kickin myself about that one..umm im feelin pretty good today... Took a compass test..ROCKED...lol looks like i may be gettin into my college of choice after all. So i wont allow myself to be bummed today..Mon. im goin to atl so things are lookin up. It feels good to continue to follow your dreams despite all obstacles... another update tom. hopefully..lol

[Keyman]

I'm feeling a big average today. I know I should go out and do something, and once my washing is finished, I might just do that. I don't really feel like it, but I'll push myself. I am still thinking of her from time to time, but the coucellors words still ring in my head and that is helping. I feel distanced from her, I feel sometimes angry with her and when I'm feeling down, I think about some of the looks of dislike she'd give me and that makes me feel dislike for her.

 

She is not worth the thoughts or anything else to me. The knowledge that a new love is just around the corner for me gives me hope and happiness and takes me away from the sometimes small down feeling I am still feeling.

[TBE_1989]

Day 1 - Pretty awful. But grateful for my wonderful friends.

[JimmerJammer]

I decided to do something the other night that pretty well guarantees my ex won't be coming back to me. I didn't think she was capable of being honest with me and telling me the truth, so I ended up getting pretty close to having sex with a girl I know. Not in a moment of weakness, but rather just cutting my losses and accepting it's not truly me she wants. Still while I didn't go through with it and know that I wanted things to work out with my ex, I need my space now.

 

*update* I was hoping it was enough to help me forget about her in that way, but I can't get her out of my mind. It's making me sick to my stomach and all I want is there to be a procedure like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so I can rid myself of those images of her in my head. I know I'd probably be like Jim Carey in that movie forever chasing after them. Our relationship was too short to do this to me.

[Jjasonn28]

day 800ish...

 

 

Still truly believe I lost my soul mate. Moving forward in life.. with a gaping void in my heart.

[chrissykissy83]

Umm 3months tonight, actually. Umm i went to work today, worked hard and went through the say like a zombi. keep feeling that i miss him and want him back. also ive realized my depression has come back (my tablets arent working so it would appear) and possibly why im missing him so much.

Ive been feeling that there is really no life after him and dont see myself ever being happy again.

Ive been feeling like its winter and has that nights drawing in early and closed in feeling. Every things dark, dull and disappointing. The days just happen because they have to and i have to drag my way through them everyday.

[JimmerJammer]

So I'm laughing pretty hard right now because my ex hasn't changed at all! She tells me she's not wanting to play games anymore and yet she lied to me again and again, even with this chance she had. It's just also so funny because of how she talks to me and she feels I'm being immature.

 

So I did it guys. I sent her ex's gf all the proof she needs to dump his sorry behind. The guy is so pathetic he didn't even tell her the truth and probably was going to cheat on her again and again with my ex. Sad really. That is the guy she wants huh? Interesting. I can't say I'm much better with having done this, but honestly I feel quite good knowing someone innocent gets the truth she deserves. Now she has the proper information to make a decision with and this guy will have to live with the consequences of his actions. I can only imagine what he will want to do to me for having done this, but that just shows you what kind of man he is if he can't be honest and true yet come at me because I proved just that.

 

My ex has a very shadowy path ahead of her if she chooses to deal in life the way she is choosing to. The way I see it going can be the way that I have seen. Numerous sexual encounters with randoms and or dating guys much much older than herself in some blind attempt to not face reality, but instead find someone who has it more put together than she does. My last girlfriend was a perfect example of this and even slept with a guy that was 52!!!! I just can almost see how people are now and it's a gift I'll treasure forever. All I am truly seeing, are people's choices and the ones they make.

 

I wish her a great future and that she find the happiness she deserves. I also wish that she find herself and know herself to the point of truly being able to handle life. The guy she ends up with will be fortunate enough to have her because there are great parts of her that she denies. It's the bad sides to her that are most dark. The most ironic part is that I truly believe my ex hates me because I'm right and am telling the truth and she hates the way I tell it to her. It makes her out to be bad and it goes against her opinion of being good. At least that's what I feel it is.

 

Anyways that appears to be that and I will continue to use my keen eye to keep a watchful look out for a worthy enough girl to be with me. This most recent girl has some promise, but I won't expect anything and will instead take it a day at a time.

 

Cheers

[JimmerJammer]

I'm not particularly pleased with parts of my earlier post. Upon hindsight after talking to my ex today, I feel I recognize the ways sometimes in which I will jump to a conclusion or presumption with quite haste. I know there's parts of it which I feel are good and it was what I said about my ex having those really fantastic parts to her and the other side which deal more in her attitude towards handling certain things. I'm by no means anyone who can claim right to what is right and wrong as it's simply my interpretation of what I feel is right.

 

She struck a chord with me tonight by my own initiation, but dammit I'm a sucker for honesty and she was pretty darn blunt with me tonight. It felt really good to hear her be honest. Even if it means telling me how big a pain in the butt I can be or how obnoxious my sometimes over-analytic behaviour can be. It keeps me on my toes when its obvious I haven't been. I am learning more on being mindful so she or anyone doesn't have to be the one to tell me about this because I'll already be aware of it. I just don't know sometimes with her as it's hard to know her intentions, but I can't deny the fact that she too is trying. Tonight was a huge leap for her and I'm proud of what took place.

 

Boy am I giving her space because fortunately I need some space now too. Not because I'm angry or mad at her or something, but more so because I need some breathing room to be ok coming back to this again. Also to continue working at my mindfulness exercises and to address what she told me tonight to my psychiatrist this week. Any examples I can provide will help me to become aware and to begin becoming in line with my true self or in this case the one who doesn't beat around the bush and says something before thinking about it. All that is really though, I recognize as not being mindful enough to consider what you're saying. The funny thing is I'd really like to know the things about me that drive her crazy. I don't know there's something about that which speaks honesty and I'm not saying it's easy, but heck it would be honest and it might say something about me.

 

Whatever happens though I am going to stick with this regular behavioural therapy I am going through. I can tell it will help me in strides so long as I work really hard at it and I will. There's a lot of gold that could from this and I really see that.

[Keyman]

Well a most interesting weekend for me. I have to move out of my flat as I don't get along with my flatmates. So looking for a place has made me feel unsettled and this unsettled feeling is making me think about my ex again. The thoughts aren't long, a few seconds at a time before I catch them and deal with them, but they are intense. I am also a little jaded still from the party I went to on Saturday night, so that is making things a little slower to work through in my head.

 

It's difficult at the moment to think about my ex with fondness. I would like to fondly look back on the relationship and try to see the good points of it, but when I do, that is what depresses me and makes me miss her. I know I am better off without her, I know that my needs were not being met by her, and I know that the relationship was not an enjoyable time. And yet, the thoughts still come. I have just had a meeting where most of what was being said went over my head (lucky I was just a sit in on it), and for moments at a time, I could feel my mind slip to her and while the effort to not think about it was easy enough, it is chipping away at me. I know I am strong, and by writing this here it is helping to strengthen my resolve. I am letting go of her, I've put the book down, now I just need to remove the want to be with her from myself and get on with it. The longer we are separate helps, although as I mentioned, when something else tips me over the edge, such as the having to move house thing, then I end up slipping to her. I know these thoughts will disappear within time, I just need to be strong and ride through them until then.

 

I had a conversation with a guy on the weekend who believes in just getting on with your life and let it all happen. So that is what I am going to do. I bought a meditation cd in hope that this will allowme to better control these thoughts and be more calm with myself. I have yet to start it, but I think this may be a good thing for tonight.

 

I must think...Why would I want to still be with someone that does not try to contact me. The only time I see her is when I make the effort and get on the train I know she is going to be on. I know she likes this, and I know she looks out for me at the train station I get on at, and when we are together she enjoys talking to me, holding my hand and all that jazz, but she will not initiate the contact. My councillor tells me that friends will initiate things and as she is not doing this, she does not actively want me as a friend. This used to get me down, "oh why does she not want to be my friend" etc etc. But I have taken control of thes thoughts, it's more "well f*** you, if you can't be bothered initiating contact with me to be friends, which is what you wanted, then YOU are not good enough to be my friend." this actually really helps me. The slight angry undertone is better than slipping into a depression that goes around and around and I have trouble getting out of.

 

Anyway, blah blah blah blah blah. Life will be better when I'm more settled in a new place, with better company, and she is no longer in my life at all. Knowing my luck, she will contact me soon and want to do something. *sigh* As long as I don't hand all my power to her it should be fine.

[hamsalad]

Keybrother...DO NOT give her the power.

 

Put the thought of her in a box and weld it shut. Then put that box into another box and weld it shut. THEN into another box, weld as needed, and THEN put it on a transport to Petropavlovsk, Siberia.

 

Done.

[hamsalad]

Perhaps it's time to take a break from being around her at all? No texting, no voice mail, email, etc. Concentrate on the therapy and stick to rebuilding YOU.

[Keyman]

Keybrother...DO NOT give her the power.

 

Put the thought of her in a box and weld it shut. Then put that box into another box and weld it shut. THEN into another box, weld as needed, and THEN put it on a transport to Petropavlovsk, Siberia.

 

Done.

 

That has been my problem, I have been giving her the power. Meeting her at the train is what has been doing it - according to the councillor - so am not going to be doing that again. It was my problem most of the relationship. If she wants something from me, she has to contact me. And as I said, I doubt she will, but it would be my luck that she will try to contact me soon.

 

I like the idea of the welding in a box. I'll try to do that tonight when I prepare for meditation.

 

Cheers dude!