i feel like love will never happen for me

[Shelly26]

Here is my situation. I am 35 years old. I am petite and cute. I look younger than i am. So i SHOULD have no problem finding a guy to love me. There are 2 reasons why this might be,and i need some input on this. First,i am really shy and socially awkward. But even when i KNOW how i should act,i just can't do it. I'm an introvert,i hate attention on me,and i can't talk to people i dont know. It takes me a few months til i feel comfortable with someone enough to open up with them. But still,knowing i am this way,i still can't change. It's like making a loud extravert sit in the corner and not say a word for 3 hours. It would be impossible for him to do. I also never know what to say when people talk to me,i usually end up giggling and just smiling then i come accross as either deaf or an idiot. I can't hold anyone's interest for more than a second. So,i dont know how i can meet people with this problem. I basically talk to whoever talks to me,so i'm kinda at the mercy of whoever wants to be my friend. This,unfortunately,carries over into dating. I am at the mercy of whatever guys hit on me. And thats my other problem. My type of guys are the type that wouldn't care about me. Like guys who are out my league. Guys who can get any girl they want. But the only guys that i seem to get are your typical dime a dozen rednecks who are so desperate for a girl that they'll resort to me. I've always been the girl that didnt get any guys,or the girl that only has guys for friends. I did have one boyfriend in my life but only because i didnt want to be alone,i pretty much only dated him cuz he had long hair (my weakness)...but he was a loser and all my friends hated him and ended up not talking to me over it. I was never happy with him,and knew i had to leave.

 

So...my personality sucks,and i haven't been able to change it,and the guys i like never like me,and the ones that like me,i dont like! I am nearing my 40's and i don't know how to get out of this rut,but i truly feel like i will never find love!

[Timebandit]

Finding love should be the least of your concerns. Rather, it seems like you are having some deep seated issues, and it doesn't seem like you are oving yourself.

 

Have you ever considered/tried something like therapy? Do you read book and articles to understand your condition, and how you can improve?

[darkblue]

Don't start with dating problems. Dating problems aren't the most important matter here. Your lack of self-esteem should be the focus of your attention.

 

If you manage to increase your own self-confidence then you will find it easier to approach people and be approached.

 

Remember that while you are suffering from these self-esteem problems, you appear unapproachable. You will be unconsciously sending out negative signals: "Don't come near me", "Don't talk to me" etc.

 

I would advise you to start off small. Talk more in groups of your friends. Join a gym, a hobby or sport. Spend more time on these boards giving your advice.

 

You'll soon find that people don't automatically shoot you down and it will boost your confidence.

[Kalika]

If your social shyness is really that much of a problem for you, I would seriously suggest trying one on one training w/ a coach or doing a seminar on TALKING (yes they do have these.. for shy people, to help them gain confidence with public or personal speaking)..

 

I think that might be a great tool for you. Obviously this is a big enough issue for you that it's affecting your life.. and like you said, you're petite and cute and this is really your only problem ... so I say you should work on it and turn it around for yourself!

[MD Geist]

Well you are a woman and attracting anyone you like shouldn't be a problem its your shyness thats getting in the way of what you want.

 

Alittle time outside of your confort zone should really help you out alot, it did for me and I was shy pretty much my whole life. Theres a couple books out there that could also help you in this situation.

 

Does any of your female friends have any boyfriends or are married?. Ask them for alittle help thats what I did and it helped me out alot by interacting with the oppsite sex, but make sure they can are comfrable with that and most of the time they are and I did that was some close friends of mine and they both gave me feedback and such and it really helped me out.

[Rockchick26]

Finding love should be the least of your concerns. Rather, it seems like you are having some deep seated issues, and it doesn't seem like you are oving yourself.

 

Have you ever considered/tried something like therapy? Do you read book and articles to understand your condition, and how you can improve?

 

I DO love myself though...i am truly flabbergasted that others don't see what i see. I am caring,i am sympathetic,i am supportive,i love to have fun,i love to learn about new things,i am a wonderful friend,i would date me if i were a guy LOL I have read books on how to improve my situation,but nothing is a magic bullet. You can know everything there is to know about love but if you don't meet the right people and have them like you back,it just won't happen.

[Rockchick26]

Don't start with dating problems. Dating problems aren't the most important matter here. Your lack of self-esteem should be the focus of your attention.

 

I don't get why,whenever somebody complains that no one loves them,why people turn it around and accuse us of not loving ourselves! Someone can love themselves 100%,truly and deeply,but still might not attract the right people.

 

If you manage to increase your own self-confidence then you will find it easier to approach people and be approached.

 

This is not my problem. I get approached a lot,it's just by scummy perverted drunk guys that NO girl will date,so i dont think i'm wrong in not dating those guys. And i could approach guys easier if i wasn't shy...being shy doesn't mean you dont love yourself though.

[Rockchick26]

If your social shyness is really that much of a problem for you, I would seriously suggest trying one on one training w/ a coach or doing a seminar on TALKING (yes they do have these.. for shy people, to help them gain confidence with public or personal speaking)..

 

I think that might be a great tool for you. Obviously this is a big enough issue for you that it's affecting your life.. and like you said, you're petite and cute and this is really your only problem ... so I say you should work on it and turn it around for yourself!

 

Well,i've read books about this LOL Does that count? Seminars are extremely expensive and i almost joined one but it was like $800. I have never seen anything free or under $100.

[Rockchick26]

Well you are a woman and attracting anyone you like shouldn't be a problem its your shyness thats getting in the way of what you want.

 

I think it's more than just my shyness though,i think the guys just don't like me for whatever reason. Because i am only shy with strangers,not with people i know,and certainly not when i'm at the bar drinking! I have approached many guys before. I just never get a good reaction from it,so,i avoid it mostly because of my bad track record.

 

Does any of your female friends have any boyfriends or are married?. Ask them for alittle help thats what I did and it helped me out alot by interacting with the oppsite sex, but make sure they can are comfrable with that and most of the time they are and I did that was some close friends of mine and they both gave me feedback and such and it really helped me out.

 

I dont have a problem in that type of situation though,i am extremely outgoing and talkative with guys i am comfortable with,so they would just tell me i'm fine and there's nothing wrong with me. I think they're right,though,like i said,my problem isnt so much shyness as it is that guys just don't want to date me.

[darkblue]

I don't get why,whenever somebody complains that no one loves them,why people turn it around and accuse us of not loving ourselves! Someone can love themselves 100%,truly and deeply,but still might not attract the right people.

 

 

 

This is not my problem. I get approached a lot,it's just by scummy perverted drunk guys that NO girl will date,so i dont think i'm wrong in not dating those guys. And i could approach guys easier if i wasn't shy...being shy doesn't mean you dont love yourself though.

 

I didn't say you didn't love/like yourself. But increasing self-confidence will give you the motivation to approach men.

 

Love won't necessarily 'find' you. You have to take risks and approach people, too.

[Batya33]

Right - love does not find you. I would do baby steps as far as being social - there's no need to "open up" to someone you don't know to start a friendship or a dating relationship.

 

Take baby steps - right now, you sound pretty self-absorbed - focused on what other people think of you, will think of you. Why not try to shift the mind set to listening to what others have to say, not while you're rehearsing what to say next, but really listening - people notice active listeners even if they don't say a word, as long as they seem interested, warm and approachable. Make sure you have a positive expression - no need for a huge smile or even a medium smile but make sure you are not scowling, that you're making warm eye contact, that your body language is open.

 

You "can" do these things - right now you choose not to - but if you break it down into tiny steps then you can take a tiny step if not every day, every few days for now.

 

good luck.

[Rockchick26]

I didn't say you didn't love/like yourself. But increasing self-confidence will give you the motivation to approach men.

 

Love won't necessarily 'find' you. You have to take risks and approach people, too.

 

I have taken risks,i have approached people. What happens is they don't even look at me,or they quick excuse themselves,or they create distance in some other way to keep me from getting closer. One time i was at a bar watching my favorite band play,and i wanted to talk to the cute drummer. He was sitting all alone on stage during the break,so i went up to him and sat down,talked about what songs i wanted to hear,asked him how he was doing,etc. and he kept looking forward,out at everyone else! And his replies were short and quick. It was like i didnt even exist to him. This is what i get for being confident and risky!! Another time i was hitting it off big time with this guy,we were dancing,flirting,laughing,everything was great,until i said we should go out sometime just us two. He kept repeating "no" and i'd be like "aww why not?" all he would say was "uh,no!" and he would like laugh to his buddies about it,and then we quit talking after that. WHAT THE HELL!?

 

I can have all the confidence in the world but when you repeatedly get the same result from trying,reality slaps you in the face and then you have to admit 'ok obviously i should not be doing this"

[MD Geist]

^^^

Kind of reminds me whats been going on in my life and I do agree its like if doesn't work why bother doing it anymore?.

 

Iv'e had some terrible experiences myself I mean so bad ones just trying to even get the attention of a woman and I all get is a serious brush off.

[Manco]

Don't let it bother you guys. It will happen when you least expect it. When you try to find it then people can sense your desperation immediately. Just be cool, have fun, enjoy life and it will come. Just make sure you keep your options open and be ready for it.

[Brightest Dark]

One time i was at a bar watching my favorite band play,and i wanted to talk to the cute drummer. He was sitting all alone on stage during the break,so i went up to him and sat down,talked about what songs i wanted to hear,asked him how he was doing,etc. and he kept looking forward,out at everyone else! And his replies were short and quick. It was like i didnt even exist to him.

 

To a drummer drumming is his job. Even if he's on a break, if he's on stage he's 'at work'. I think going up to him when he was onstage was not a good idea. If you want to talk to a drummer do it when they've finished playing, when he's off the stage and in 'mingling' mode. If he wanted to chat to others he would have got off stage I'm sure. He was waiting to start his 'job' again.

[JadedStar]

I think it's more than just my shyness though,i think the guys just don't like me for whatever reason. Because i am only shy with strangers,not with people i know,and certainly not when i'm at the bar drinking!

.

 

 

 

Other than the bar where you are going to meet guys? You also mentinoed on another post that only pervy drunks approach you....

 

Do you go other places where single men congregate besides bars in search of single and available men? Are you taking some risks to approach those that you like, or waiting for the situation to fall into place on its own? Do you use online dating to supplement your chances? Belong to any singles clubs and organizations in your area?

 

If you are relying on the bar scene you likely wont have any good luck anytime soon. Most guys at the bar who are actually decent guys have g/f's at home and are just out with their friends having a few drinks. That is likely why they are not approaching you as they are not single. You say you approach people but are you using good judgement and common sense with WHO you are approach? Approaching cute drummers isn't the best strategy if you are trying to pick someone up becuase cute drummers get that ALL the time.

 

Another time i was hitting it off big time with this guy,we were dancing,flirting,laughing,everything was great,until i said we should go out sometime just us two. He kept repeating "no" and i'd be like "aww why not?" all he would say was "uh,no!" and he would like laugh to his buddies about it,and then we quit talking after that. WHAT THE HELL!?

 

Again, i think you are picking the wrong guys to invest time with. After the first "no" there should have been no subsequent "aww why not's". Don't humiliate yourself out there. You GAVE him ammo to laugh with his friends by continuing to ask him. It is fine to approach guys but I do not suggest asking them out to avoid a situation like this. If they are interested they will get your phone number. You came on way too strong in this circumstance.

 

Try to learn how to read body language. With the drummer, when he was giving you short and curt answers and staring straight ahead that was a big cue to move on. Guys who might have interest will give you some good body language to read and you will better know.

 

 

Lastly, and I hate to say this but I am trying to help you but I have also said this to guys too, given the reaction you got from the two examples above, are you approaching men that are in your range of "attraction proximity"? In other words, are you approaching guys that are on even par with your level of attractiveness? This might sound shallow but like typically attracts like, and if the guys you are approcahing are ten's and you are not, then that might be why the drummer was staring ahead and the other guy had to keep firmly telling you NO to your suggestion of going out.

 

I have told many guys here this same thing. It is great to have confidence and approach anyone you find attractive but realistically speaking stick to guys that are like you in terms of appearance and personality to help better your odds.

 

This last tidbit is not intended to tell you that you are not a ten because maybe you are, or to hurt your feelings, if i am off base then just ignore it. But if i am on base maybe it can help you be more successful.

[Rockchick26]

To a drummer drumming is his job. Even if he's on a break, if he's on stage he's 'at work'. I think going up to him when he was onstage was not a good idea. If you want to talk to a drummer do it when they've finished playing, when he's off the stage and in 'mingling' mode. If he wanted to chat to others he would have got off stage I'm sure. He was waiting to start his 'job' again.

 

 

But he WAS on break,he wasnt sitting at his drumkit,he was sitting on the edge of the stage with his legs dangling off,staring out into the crowd. That IS when the band mingles with people. The rest of the band was all over talking to people. Other people even talked to him right after i did. And he wasn't waiting to start again cuz they had JUST finished,and their breaks take like 20 minutes.

 

But this is just one example,there were many similar situations where i got no response from a guy. So i just figure,guys either dont like it when girls approach them or they just dont like ME approaching them.

[bulletproof]

I'm a little confused- you went from saying you were incredibly shy to the point of it being a problem, to describing a scenario where you approached a drummer of a band and tried to chat him up. Which is it?

 

It sounds to me like there's a few things going on here. Jaded Star had a good point- where are you meeting guys? If it's always in a bar, and they are guys in bands, or guys that go to see bands, you are probably not going to have much luck. Drinking scenes don't often lead to relationships. Are there men at your job, or do you have any other interests that put you around guys? Also, judging from your responses here, you seem very defensive. Maybe that's coming accross in real life, too.

 

You say that you love yourself but I don't think that's true. A person who loves herself does not say her personality sucks. And the reason people always say you have to love yourself is because there is truth to that. You have to enjoy your own company if you want someone else to enjoy it.

[Rockchick26]

Other than the bar where you are going to meet guys? You also mentinoed on another post that only pervy drunks approach you....

 

Well,i dont really go places TO meet guys,but it has probably happened everywhere,like parties,weddings,friend's houses. Not like the grocery store or the library,of course LOL Only in places where its normal to talk to people.

 

Do you go other places where single men congregate besides bars in search of single and available men?

 

Well,where else do single men congregate? I mean,besides singles clubs,i did go to one of them once,but i was like 23 or 24,and everyone there was over 40 LOL So that sucked.

 

Are you taking some risks to approach those that you like, or waiting for the situation to fall into place on its own?

 

I dont know if you read my other post,but i was explaining how i have taken risks and i get no response. Like they wont even look at me,or answer in more than one word answers,or they flat out say "no".

 

Do you use online dating to supplement your chances? Belong to any singles clubs and organizations in your area?

 

As much as i hate online dating,i do belong to a few sites,but i never see anyone on there i like,well,i have emailed a few guys,but they dont answer me back. Its always the ones that i dont like that email me!

 

You say you approach people but are you using good judgement and common sense with WHO you are approach? Approaching cute drummers isn't the best strategy if you are trying to pick someone up becuase cute drummers get that ALL the time.

 

But they do date girls they meet,so why would it be wrong to talk to them? They have to find dates somewhere! In fact i knew a girl who dated the bass player. We were all chummy with the band.

 

Again, i think you are picking the wrong guys to invest time with.

 

Well,thats just an unlucky coincidence then,i dont pick guys according to how they react to me,i pick guys that i am attracted to and like hanging around. I can't help the guys that i like.

 

After the first "no" there should have been no subsequent "aww why not's". Don't humiliate yourself out there. You GAVE him ammo to laugh with his friends by continuing to ask him.

 

Well,i only asked him once. And i was pretty drunk,too LOL But so was he,we all were.

 

It is fine to approach guys but I do not suggest asking them out to avoid a situation like this. If they are interested they will get your phone number. You came on way too strong in this circumstance.

 

So its good to take risks but its bad to ask a guy out?! I thought some guys liked that? And what is taking a risk then if you simply talk to them,if you're already doing that anyway? I didnt think i was coming on too strong though,considering the fact that we had spent weeks flirting,laughing,and dirty dancing together!

 

Try to learn how to read body language. With the drummer, when he was giving you short and curt answers and staring straight ahead that was a big cue to move on.

 

Oh trust me,i moved on quickly. I think i sat there for 15 seconds and i was up and then the next girl sat down next to him. But i didnt pay attention to how he reacted to her.

 

Guys who might have interest will give you some good body language to read and you will better know.

 

Oh,like dirty dancing,perhaps? LOL

 

Lastly, and I hate to say this but I am trying to help you but I have also said this to guys too, given the reaction you got from the two examples above, are you approaching men that are in your range of "attraction proximity"? In other words, are you approaching guys that are on even par with your level of attractiveness? This might sound shallow but like typically attracts like, and if the guys you are approcahing are ten's and you are not, then that might be why the drummer was staring ahead and the other guy had to keep firmly telling you NO to your suggestion of going out.

 

Well i dont know where i rate on the attractiveness scale,i've had guys tell me i am ugly and i've had guys tell me i'm beautiful. Honestly i think i'm about a 7. And i joined Hot Or link removed and one of my pics got a 7 and another one got a 9. So,apparently i am better looking than half the girls out there! lol but beauty is all in the eye of the beholder anyway. Obviously the guy that dirty danced with me thought i was hot,he just didnt like me enough to DATE me. Thats what i'm saying,i can attract guys,but they dont LIKE me,they just want to flirt with me. Then they go and date some other girl. I think there is just something about my personality they must not like then.

 

And another thing,about the attractiveness scale thing,there are guys who are 10's but date girls who are 5's or lower...like someone else on here said in another thread. They might have a thing for a certain type of girl,attractive or not. So,you cant always go by that rule.

[Rockchick26]

I'm a little confused- you went from saying you were incredibly shy to the point of it being a problem, to describing a scenario where you approached a drummer of a band and tried to chat him up. Which is it?

 

I was drinking that night. If i'm drinking,i am not shy at all.

 

Are there men at your job, or do you have any other interests that put you around guys?

 

Ugh,no...i work in a factory,and its 80% women. There are 2 men in my area where i work,and one is my 50 year old boss,and the other is a 45 year old married guy.

 

Also, judging from your responses here, you seem very defensive. Maybe that's coming accross in real life, too.

 

Really?? I have never been told that LOL I guess when i post on message boards and somebody replies to me with a judgement or a question,i have to explain myself,so i might come accross as defensive only because i'm explaining my point.

 

You say that you love yourself but I don't think that's true. A person who loves herself does not say her personality sucks.

 

Well,I myself don't think it sucks,i'm just saying guys must think it sucks,thats gotta be why they dont ask me out. Why would you flirt with a girl,dirty dance with her,but not date her? The problem obviously wouldn't be her looks. If i am attractive,then what else could it be? There are only 2 things to go by,looks and personality.

 

You have to enjoy your own company if you want someone else to enjoy it.

 

I love being alone though! I have more fun by myself than i do with most people.

[bulletproof]

I was drinking that night. If i'm drinking,i am not shy at all.

 

If you need alcohol in order to be outgoing, that is another separate issue altogether that probably needs addressing.

 

Ugh,no...i work in a factory,and its 80% women. There are 2 men in my area where i work,and one is my 50 year old boss,and the other is a 45 year old married guy.

 

So do those 80% women have brothers? Male friends? Cousins? You have to network to meet people. It's not always going to be a direct path.

 

 

Really?? I have never been told that LOL I guess when i post on message boards and somebody replies to me with a judgement or a question,i have to explain myself,so i might come accross as defensive only because i'm explaining my point.

 

"Explaining yourself" IS defending yourself, hence my observation that you are defensive.

 

Well,I myself don't think it sucks,i'm just saying guys must think it sucks,thats gotta be why they dont ask me out.

In your first post you said, "My personality sucks". So obviously, you yourself DO think it sucks.

[Rockchick26]

Don't let it bother you guys. It will happen when you least expect it. When you try to find it then people can sense your desperation immediately. Just be cool, have fun, enjoy life and it will come. Just make sure you keep your options open and be ready for it.

 

This approach has never worked for me either. If you are too nonchalant about it,then people think you aren't interested,are already taken,or are really anti social. I actually haven't been looking for a boyfriend for a few years now! So i should have had one by now,if this approach worked.

[Rockchick26]

If you need alcohol in order to be outgoing, that is another separate issue altogether that probably needs addressing.

 

There is no issue,i'm just shy and introverted. It isnt a flaw,its just part of my personality. And lots of peoples'.

 

 

 

So do those 80% women have brothers? Male friends? Cousins? You have to network to meet people. It's not always going to be a direct path.

 

Theyre just like everyone else,any guy i meet either doesnt like me or i dont like him. It doesnt matter how many i meet,theyre all the same!

 

"Explaining yourself" IS defending yourself, hence my observation that you are defensive.

 

So basically anytime someone posts a question and then replies to the replies,they are defending themselves? How else do you explain your situation without...well,explaining? lol

 

In your first post you said, "My personality sucks". So obviously, you yourself DO think it sucks.

 

Well i dont think it does,i'm just saying other people think it does,apparently. I didnt say i agreed with them LOL

[Timebandit]

There is no issue,i'm just shy and introverted. It isnt a flaw,its just part of my personality. And lots of peoples'.

 

You wrote that you are very shy and socially awkward. That's not personality - that's a problem with deeper roots.

 

 

Theyre just like everyone else,any guy i meet either doesnt like me or i dont like him. It doesnt matter how many i meet,theyre all the same!

 

They are all the same? I think the common denomintator here is... you.

 

So basically anytime someone posts a question and then replies to the replies,they are defending themselves? How else do you explain your situation without...well,explaining? lol

 

Maybe because your explanations seems incongruent with what you report in your first post? (and what you tell happens in your life).

 

 

Well i dont think it does,i'm just saying other people think it does,apparently. I didnt say i agreed with them LOL

 

We had absolutely no basis for guessing that you didn't think that about yourself. First you tell us how bad your personality comes accross and how it negatively affects your chance of meeting men. And then you tell us how happy dandy you are about yourself. That you are flabergasted about other people not seeing what you really are. Makes no sense to me.

 

I think it's fairly obvious from your description, that you are not just "a little shy" or introvert. You are having some deeper (self-esteem) issues that prevents you from being yourself when being in the company of others. But it is also fairly obvious that you are in denial about these issues.

 

I wish the best for you - but you need to take of the rose colored glasses before you see any progress.

[Rockchick26]

You wrote that you are very shy and socially awkward. That's not personality - that's a problem with deeper roots.

 

But introvertedness is not a problem,its a facet of the personality of 1 in 5 people (i read a book on it). Not everyone was born to be an outgoing social butterfly.

 

They are all the same? I think the common denomintator here is... you.

 

Well that is the purpose of this post,to hopefully find out why this is happening. But right now all i know is that the guys i like dont like me and the guys that like me i dont like.

 

Maybe because your explanations seems incongruent with what you report in your first post? (and what you tell happens in your life).

 

Well i can say one thing but that doesnt mean the opposite NEVER happens...its not so black and white.

 

We had absolutely no basis for guessing that you didn't think that about yourself. First you tell us how bad your personality comes accross and how it negatively affects your chance of meeting men. And then you tell us how happy dandy you are about yourself. That you are flabergasted about other people not seeing what you really are. Makes no sense to me.

 

Thats why i don't get it when people say i have to love myself first in order for others to like me. Well,i love myself 100 times more now than i did when i had a boyfriend even!! So yes i do think i have a lot to offer to guys and people in general,and it confuses me why i'm not getting as many friends and dates as what i think i should be getting.

 

I think it's fairly obvious from your description, that you are not just "a little shy" or introvert. You are having some deeper (self-esteem) issues that prevents you from being yourself when being in the company of others. But it is also fairly obvious that you are in denial about these issues.

 

But i CAN be myself in the company of others! I never said it was impossible.There are situations where it is natural and totally fine for me to be myself. Compared to others who are socially paralyzed,i am not THAT bad. I am just trying to improve myself,i'm not saying i am a complete zero when it comes to life LOL And some days are worse than others,some situations are worse than others.

 

I wish the best for you - but you need to take of the rose colored glasses before you see any progress.

 

Well,obviously i am not in denial since i came to this site BECAUSE i felt like i needed something. I am just not as bad off as you think. If i'm bad off,i'd hate to be someone who is worse than me!