Quiet Confidence and Aggressive Confidence.

[Carnatic]

There are plenty of shy v confident guy threads out there, but they all seem to assume that the only way to be a confident guy is to be aggressive... the classic alpha-male. There are guys out there who don't go in for ostentatious displays of masculinity, or see dominance over others as a necessity, but that's not to say that these guys are insecure or lack confidence. What are the thoughts of girls who prefer these guys or who prefer guys who are aggressively confident.

 

 

 

 

My intentions with this thread are more philosopical reflection than my own personal problems.. before I get a whole raft of replies saying 'why are you so bothered about this? you should be happy the way you are'. The way it is personal to me is that I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis, and wanted to understand what people's views were on confidence as part of understanding myself. I can flit back and forth between being quietly confident, knowing I'm good but not feeling the need to tell everyone, and being shy and insecure.

 

I think quiet confidence is good for shy guys. Many shy guys on ena are told they need to be more confident, but they are told this in a way that makes it seem you have to be aggressive and alpha-male... and this gets them down because they think 'that's just something I can never be, what hope do I have?'

 

I know fine well that girls (I say girls because confidence is more of an issue for guys, most threads on ena about it are by guys) all like different things, and I'm not trying to single any one thing out as 'the way to get the girl' or keep a running tally on girls preferences. I just want to know what people think.

[Batya33]

I tend to click better with people who are quietly confident - I respect it more and am drawn to it more. Perhaps it's because I get more of a vibe of insecurity or arrogance when the person is aggressively confident.

[jettison]

I tend to click better with people who are quietly confident - I respect it more and am drawn to it more. Perhaps it's because I get more of a vibe of insecurity or arrogance when the person is aggressively confident.

 

I have to agree. "aggressively confident" usually isn't all that confident at all. It's "aggressively" puting on airs and pretenses just to impress... similar to what a peacock might do when the plumage is sprung.

 

"Your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying"

 

- Graffin

[Sophie84]

I know what you mean. Shyness is often misinterpreted as insecurity (or unfriendliness), when really it's nothing but a soft-spoken, laid-back personality. It's possible that shy people end up feeling insecure just because they keep hearing from everyone that shyness = inconfident. A lot of girls/women actually find shyness in men very endearing. My boyfriend is the quiet confident type, and I happen to think he's the cat's meow. ;-)

[Daligal83]

I like the quiet confidence. I want a guy that is confident, not cocky. He should be secure in who he is as a person.

 

At the gym, there are a lot of good looking guys who all lift the heavy weights. One stands out to me though because he doesn't feel the need to be obnoxious or make a big show out of lifting the weights. He hangs out with those guys but just does his thing. To me, that is so attractive.

[heloladies21]

I was quiet confident for a few years, and guess what it got me: Zero girls. The problem with being this way is that the girl never gets to see how confident you are. It's the way girls are genetically wired, they expect you to start talking to them, to lead the conversation, to get their phone number, to go for the first kiss, etc. It's great when they make the moves, but it is in no way reliable and rarely happens.

 

If you want success with girls, you gotta be aggressive and open.

[Batya33]

I think a man can be quietly confident and take the initiative. I find that charming and smooth. Nothing inconsistent about it. I always went for the more reserved guys over the loud guys for dating - for dancing, hanging out, it was fun to hang out with the other type - in small doses....

[heloladies21]

^ I never said loud, but at times you have to be.

[Batya33]

^ I never said loud, but at times you have to be.

 

I meant it as an example. I don't think a person has to be loud to appear confident -- often being loud shows a loss of control which is not a very confident impression. Nothing wrong with being loud but if that's the way the person gets what he wants or gets his point accross that's not a confident approach.

[Carnatic]

I was quiet confident for a few years, and guess what it got me: Zero girls. The problem with being this way is that the girl never gets to see how confident you are. It's the way girls are genetically wired, they expect you to start talking to them, to lead the conversation, to get their phone number, to go for the first kiss, etc. It's great when they make the moves, but it is in no way reliable and rarely happens.

 

If you want success with girls, you gotta be aggressive and open.

 

I don't think you can choose... you're either one or the other. This is why so many shy guys on here are so resistant to advice that "you need to get aggressive to get girls"... because they know that to be that is beyond them. Much better to be the kind of guy that Batya described, who approaches a girl and initiates conversation without having to go through the whole 'peacock' charade beforehand.

 

Some people are shy and quietly confident as bld313 pointed out, some are shy and insecure, some are aggressive and insecure and some are aggressive and confident... If you are insecure then you can become confident, but if you are naturally shy/reserved and you try to become aggressive and 'alpha-male' then it just shows up that you are putting on a front.

 

There are guys out there who are true aggressive alpha-males and don't need to put on a front, that's just the way they are, but not everyone needs to be this way in order to be confident.

[Batya33]

I think a person can work on behaving differently until it's natural. I'm an example of that. I have one friend who was total alpha male a dozen years ago - always loud, peacock as you put it. Now he's far more mellow. And he's not "old" - he was in his late 20s when I met him.

[ghost69]

just don't be aggressive. but i don't think there is a such thing as 'quiet' confidence. you just have to talk like you mean it and you know what you are saying about yourself and what not. don't be scared to make a joke or talk about an observation you have. you don't have to be the jerk 'stud' that thinks all women want to talk to him.

[Daligal83]

I think people often confused assertive and aggressive. You can be assertive without being aggressive. It's possible to go up to a girl, talk to her, get what you want out of life in general, and not be aggressive about it.

[ghost69]

I think people often confused assertive and aggressive. You can be assertive without being aggressive. It's possible to go up to a girl, talk to her, get what you want out of life in general, and not be aggressive about it.

 

very well said.

[Carnatic]

you just have to talk like you mean it and you know what you are saying about yourself and what not. don't be scared to make a joke or talk about an observation you have. you don't have to be the jerk 'stud' that thinks all women want to talk to him.

 

you can be all this and quietly confident... quietly confident doesn't mean you are quiet because you are scared to speak... just as being aggressively confident doesn't mean you speak because you are scared to be quiet. It's different kinds of people. An example of a guy who is quietly confident would be the guy at the gym Daligal mentioned... He is there doing his own thing, he isn't showing off, or trying to outcompete the other men, he is happy with himself and knows that some girls will be attracted to him. Just because a guy hasn't told you how fantastic he is, doesn't mean he doesn't think he is fantastic deep down.

 

 

I know aggressive and assertive aren't the same thing... a quietly confident guy can be assertive... indeed, most probably will be assertive. The difference is, an aggressively confident guy is happy in himself, and makes sure everyone else knows this... a quietly confident guy is happy in himself and lets other find this out for themselves.

 

Similarly a guy could be aggressively insecure... scared to be quiet; or quietly insecure... scared to speak.

[Carnatic]

very well said.

 

i.e. be quietly confident... I really am trying to keep this thread from becoming another 'aggressive obnoxious jerks vs shy, timid, nice guys thread' that would be aggressively insecure vs quietly insecure.

[ghost69]

i.e. be quietly confident... I really am trying to keep this thread from becoming another 'aggressive obnoxious jerks vs shy, timid, nice guys thread' that would be aggressively insecure vs quietly insecure.

 

well you did say quietly confident is the shy guy. that's why i said no.

[Carnatic]

Ah, well not in so many words, but I did agree with someone that just because someone is shy then it doesn't mean they can't be confident... but that's mostly because the world is a big and diverse place and you can never rule these things out... I didn't mean to say that 'quietly confident' was code for 'shy insecure guy'... we have had enough threads about this, I was saying that it gives more hope to these 'quietly insecure' guys to think that you don't have to be aggressive telling everyone how great you are to be confident. When I was at my most insecure and people would give me all this 'be an alpha-male' stuff it got me down because it just seemed so unattainable.

[ghost69]

i think someone who is shy is not confident enough in themselves to just speak up.

[Carnatic]

maybe not, my definition of shy would be someone who doesn't like to draw attention to themselves... which is usually because they lack confidence... but it's better for them to know that confidence is about feeling good in yourself and that it doesn't necessarily mean you have to be brash and make a display of yourself all the time. I would say I'm a lot more confident than I used to me, but I still prefer not to make a display, or compete with other guys or anything more aggressive.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

how you show your confidence depends on your personality. if you want to be aggressive with it then thats all well and dandy.....thats who you are

 

as far as shy guys any type of confidence should do, all they have to do is get off their ass more and try harder

[boo121]

I've realised that i had to put myself out there, and watch how no1 gives a crap what im doing. if you go for something and as long as you are getting what you want, thats all that matters.

 

I think a lack of insecurity, projects more confidence than trying to "have" confidence.

[Carnatic]

I've realised that i had to put myself out there, and watch how no1 gives a crap what im doing. if you go for something and as long as you are getting what you want, thats all that matters.

 

I think a lack of insecurity, projects more confidence than trying to "have" confidence.

 

you mean phoney confidence? I think this seems to be a thing with 'aggressive insecure' guys people who are insecure but go all out to make people think they are confident

[boo121]

you mean phoney confidence? I think this seems to be a thing with 'aggressive insecure' guys people who are insecure but go all out to make people think they are confident

 

Its putting on false self. What im saying is, if you are secure and happy with yourself, it projects more confidence that trying to be aggressively confident

[Carnatic]

Its putting on false self. What im saying is, if you are secure and happy with yourself, it projects more confidence that trying to be aggressively confident

 

that's great, it sums up my thready more succinctly than I ever did. That there is such thing as 'quiet confidence' a quiet and insecure person doesn't need to become aggressive as part and parcel of becoming more confident.