i found the perfect guy but im paranoid

[missmebaby]

i posted on here a lot a few months ago about the horrible breakup i was going through with my crazy violent ex. but now i actually have some good news....i finally met a wonderful guy. We have been "dating" now for 3 weeks but are not officially together yet. I couldnt ask for a better guy, seriously. He seems too good to be true. He has a great job, owns a house, is a hard worker, has a very nice family, is very good looking and dresses nice, and treats me like i am the only girl left on earth. he takes me out to eat at nice restaurants and refuses to let me help pay, when we are laying around watching a movie he rubs my back the whole time, he is very open and honest with me, compliments me, and text messages me cute things throughout the day such as "i love falling asleep with you," "looking forward to seeing you again," and "thinking about you." He calls or texts me every morning just to say good morning and he hopes i have a good day.

 

I have so much fun when im around him and he is the most respectful guy i have ever met. Three weeks we have been hanging out and hes never tried to make a move on me....we have kissed and thats it. We lay in his bed and just cuddle and talk for hours. One night we stayed up until 6am just talking and laying there together, no TV or radio or anything...the next morning he texted me saying he loved it.

 

But there are a few problems...first of all my last relationship went way too fast and i vowed i would never let that happen again. So now i am worried about seeming too into him or scaring him away. I never call or text him first, i wait for him to initiate contact, im scared to tell him how i feel such as i cant wait to see you or i miss you. Im scared to get too close to him in case he does turn out to be too good to be true and decides he wants to date someone else or doesnt like me after all. And because of all this he tells me im a hard girl to read, like he doesnt know what i am thinking or how i feel about him or if im bored around him, etc. He still doesnt call me his girlfriend and that kind of worries me, then today he didnt text me in the morning like he usually does. It wasnt till 2 in the afternoon that i finally heard from him and alls he said was "hi" instead of his usual "good morning beautiful." It just takes something as small as that to get me all worried and think he doesnt like me anymore. Just about 10 mins ago he texted me again saying "i miss you."

 

So it gets me thinking that maybe he is feeling the same way about me, maybe he wants me to say good morning first for once, maybe when he doesnt hear from me he gets worried too. He said the last 2 girls he dated told him he was too nice of a guy and ended things with him so maybe hes scared of being too nice to me.

 

I dont really know what im looking for here, I guess i could just use any kind of input or advice. I mean how should i act around him, does he seem like the real deal, should i stop being so paranoid? I really want things to work out, i would never forgive myself for losing such a great guy.

[J_man]

my take: what are you doing other than being a recipient of his efforts? from what i can tell, you're not giving him much in the way of positive reactions, or reciprocating any of his kindness. he's taken all of the initiative, and you've held back, and so he has no idea how you feel, and he's worried you aren't into him nearly as much as he is into you.

 

maybe if you were to initiate some of the 'hi how are you doing, i'm thinking of you' business, it'd set him more at ease and there'd be more of a balance.

 

it's fine to communicate to him that you're concerned about certain things, so long as you do it in a reasonable, calm manner. and try to remember that each relationship is different, and going into it with an ironclad determination to not do this or to do that is probably not the best approach. this is not the same guy as your previous relationships. communication is pretty vital, and if i were in this guy's shoes, i'd have no clue that you were interested in me, you sound very passive.

 

don't mean to sound harsh, i'm pretty hungry at the moment, low blood sugar..

[Lue Fec]

Exactly what J_man said. Currently I'm in something similar to your situation, but I've been taking all the initiative and I can't really tell what she's thinking about me. Well, I decided I'll lower the amount of effort on my side just to see her reaction...

 

But, well, I'm not really giving you advice but one sentence in your story made me realize something about her, though not really similar to your situation. It must feel strange for you but here I thank you for helping me.

 

Anyway, if you're in for him I guess you should let it just flow naturally and don't go limiting your progress just because last relationship wasn't good. You can't let it haunt you your whole life after all, can you?

[tazthecat]

Don't take a good thing or granted..A moment of happiness can last a life time..Enjoy what you have with him. The next time in conversation, nicely ask what he thinks of the two of you as a couple. Be happy that someone cares for you like he does..

don't let past bad relationships get in the way of you and this guy.

[valiantv]

Definitely start being nice to him... He might be beginning to feel a bit foolish telling you all these nice things, and you not responding in kind...

[Batya33]

I think you're making the common mistake that Raykay wrote in her thread called "fools rush in" - that's just the title, not saying you're a fool. for one thing you're basing these huge decisions about his character, values, goals, feelings based on three weeks of dating - shorter time than you've known most of your pairs of socks, I am sure. Three weeks is not a pattern.

 

He can be the most sincere guy but even the most sincere people might behave a certain way during the early stages of dating and choose to let other aspects of their personality come out over time - not in a dishonest way, it's just their way of opening up which is cool. It's why I try not to see a new person in my life more than once a week or so for the first month so I can get to know the person over time and maintain my typical routine, friends, schedule, etc.

[missmebaby]

thanks for the advice, today i have been trying to be more aggressive. earlier i texted him saying "i know im hard to read so i just wanted to tell you in case you didnt already know....i think ur amazing and i totally like you." i just worry too much, thinking im doing too much and im going to scare him away. like tonite its getting late and i know he has to work in the morning and i was getting bummed because he never got ahold of me to talk to me before he went to bed or to say good night. then my phone started beeping and there was a text from him..."sweet dreams doll." earlier in the day he asked me to come over and cuddle up with him on the couch but i had to say no because i have to work early in the morning and i knew we would stay up late talking. i need to just go with the flow, relax, and see what happens as well as do a better job of showing him that im interested. wow i forgot how much i hated dating lol

[Batya33]

I wouldn't do the texting thing - it's one-sided, impersonal and a cop-out in some sense. Rather, show that you like him by being a good listener, remembering things he tells you that are important to him, and I wouldn't do the "me-centered" stuff like "just want you to know that I am hard to read but it doesn't mean I'm not interested." That's simply overwhelming him with psychobabble and presuming that he is concerned about your feelings for him.

Rather, be other-centered - don't do the "feelings" talk - rather, show feelings through actions, over time as you get to know each other. it's nice to express feelings but better to do that in person and as the minor part of expressing feelings - actions are far more important. If he has a hard day at work, bring him his favorite fast food, for example or better yet bake cookies. Offer to run a quick errand for him once in awhile- that goes a whole lot further than texts.

[Whiplash Girl Child]

How will he ever know that you're into him if you don't SHOW it?

 

Honestly, though, I see where you're coming from. With a guy for 3 mos. now, he seems PERFECT in every way, shape, and form. However, I feel as if he ALREADY knows just how into him I am. UNLIKE you, I let it show.

 

But LIKE you, I also worry that I show too much.

 

You just have to learn how to pace yourself. Don't be TOO up his butt, that's a turn-off. But don't be cold, either. You have to learn how to gauge this, how much you show and give.

[missmebaby]

there is one other thing that bothers me...for as many times as we have hung out he never tries to make a move on me. I mean i have been over to his house probly 6-7 times, ive stayed the night there 3 times, and hes had plenty of opportunities to try to go further than kissing with me but he never does. we dont even make out, we might kiss for like 10 seconds or less and thats it. we've been hanging out for 3 weeks, i thought he would want to go farther by now. even when i bring up sexual things or hint about anything he doesnt respond. i know he likes sex, he has playboy mags laying around, has a drawer full of condoms and a vibrator, and has said once that he is a pretty sexual guy.

 

i just dont get it...he seems so content to just lay there and cuddle and talk. last night i was joking with him about how many girls he brings back to his house because he lives alone, and he got totally serious and says he never does that and hes only had 1 one night stand and he kind of regrets it and it wasnt even him trying anything, it was the girl making all the moves. he said it bothers him that i think that he would do that. so maybe he is just a nice respectful guy and doesnt want to do anything until hes sure im ready or something?

 

any ideas whats going on here? i need some advice before him and i get too far into the "friend level" and it ruins everything

[valiantv]

Ask him!!!!

 

Seriously! I was quite old before I first had sex, and was going out with my girlfriend for a few months and I never pushed it past the "playing around" type thing. I think I had watched too many TV shows where the "good guy" is the guy who doesn't push the girl for sex, and I was trying to be a bit of a gentleman.

 

But it turns out all that time she wanted to have sex, was herself afraid to make the next move, and was thinking that I didn't want to for some reason!

[J_man]

yeah, i agree, communicate.

 

has he recently gotten out of a relationship? i ahve myself, and if i ended up with a girl soon, i imagine i'd take things very slow and i woudln't be in a hurry for the time being because i'm not in the right place for that

[missmebaby]

well i finally made a move last week and heated things up a little bit. the poor guy laid there for hours with a boner, i just couldnt torture him anymore well i ended up giving him head and he tried to return the favor but i wasnt ready for that yet...im a little uncomfortable about it. that was it, no sex. we're much more comfortable and open with each other now, hes just so respectful and sweet to me. ive never met a guy who goes so out of his way to make me happy, hes so unlike any guy ive ever met. whenever i have a night off he wants to spend time with me, and everyday he texts me throughout the day saying things like "i miss you babe" or "thinking about you." He tells me how much he loves my kisses and that he cant wait to see me again. Whenever he is out with his friends he even texts me to tell me he misses me and is thinking about me. he takes me out to dinner everynight, is always kissing my forehead and rubbing my back or stomach, and cuddling with me. we just lay in bed for hours talking, laughing, kissing, and cuddling and theres never a boring moment. His friends and family like me and i like them in return, whenever we are around his friends he doesnt ignore me or treat me differently.

 

He is seriously the perfect guy except for 2 things about him that honestly might ruin things between us...they are something that i know is just going to drive me crazy....... he is always busy and he goes out alot. he works monday-friday 10 hours each day, doesnt get home til 7 in the evening. then on saturday he works all day at a different job. now he informs me hes going to be a bouncer at a bar 1 or 2 days a week. On the evenings when i am working he goes out to the bars with his friends, and on the weekend he always goes out with or without me. Right now I have 5 evenings off during the week so 5 chances to see him....but its always after 7 in the evening and he goes to bed somewhat early because he works every morning and that is going to be drastically cut down because he is going to start bouncing at the bar and im trying to get a second job for a couple nights a week. he said he was going to try to bounce on the nights that i work because he wouldnt get to see me anyways but its impossible to always coordinate our schedules. Last weekend he went out on friday and didnt ask me to come along, and last night he went out without me again. And on the 1 night during the weekend that i do get to see him he always wants us to go out to the bars. Tonight we had plans to hang out and he calls me a little bit ago and says his buddy wants him to bounce at his bar tonight and he is going to do it but wants me to come with him and kind of stand around with him. That made me mad and i was kind of short with him and i think he could tell i was mad because he called back 5 mins later and said "nevermind, he called back and doesnt need me now so we can do whatever u want."

 

i guess im just saying that i dont know if this is going to work between us...with him having 3 jobs, i will have 2 jobs soon, and him going out to the bars 3-4 times a week. i have a feeling i will hardly ever get to see him and it also bothers me that he goes out so much...its like hes still in the partying stage and i feel like some time hes going to bring a girl home and cheat on me. him and his last girlfriend broke up because they never got to see each other and they even lived together! i just want to sit here and cry...its so unfair that hes everything i ever wanted in a guy and hes so damn good looking but theres these 2 things that bother me and might ruin things. i kind of feel like these past 2 days we are drifting apart a little bit...i dont know if he feels the same way or not but yesterday he never even called me. just texted me throughout the day, told me he was going out with his friend, and then later that night texted me a couple times saying he missed me. Then today when he called me he could tell i was a little upset with him, i dont want that to start changing his feelings towards me.

 

am i being ridiculous and paranoid and clingy? am i expecting too much? i just dont know what to do or what to think...i need to know whether this is going to work out. ive been thinking about taking that step and having sex with him but i dont want to regret it because we break up shortly after or because he cheats on me or something. i could use any advice you could give me!

[JadedStar]

I agree with what batya said about knowing your socks longer than you have known him. You don't know who the real guy is yet. He may be like this from now on but the early stages of dating one is almost always on their very best behavior.

 

I also agree with j man in that you aren't doing much of the work here if you are not contacting him and letting him make all the first moves. That is not really making him think you are not into him that is just making him think you aren't making much effort when he is.

[Batya33]

From my perspective I think his work schedule sounds quite manageable - it's predictable, within his control (other than deciding last minute to be a bouncer at a bar but that is his choice too - that's not his regular employer) and many people work far more than 8 hours a day. The issue is whether you are a priority, if so how much of a priority and if that matches your needs of how you want to figure into his life.

 

I would not go to a bar and stand around while my SO was "on duty."

[JadedStar]

hmm, the constant liking to go out to the bars would definitely be a fly in the ointment here. Your second post contrasts quite a bit from your first where you painted him in a more favorable light.

 

Not that this is or should be a dealbreaker but it is a bit more concerning if he not only enjoys the bars that much but also will be working in one as a bouncer.

 

I guess it depends on how much you like or dislike the bar scene. It would give me reason for pause.

[jraf]

missmebaby,

 

Out of curiosity, I checked other threads you started. Actually I only read the titles because that was enough.

 

What would you have described your ex like after just 3 weeks of dating? Probably not at all like you found him to be.

 

Why are you so eager to get so hooked-up with someone after just 3 weeks? Are you an independent person who is strong and can look after their own best interests?

[missmebaby]

my current boyfriend is totally different than my ex. sure, i thought my ex was great at first too but there were also a lot of red flags that i ignored. this guy doesnt have a bad temper, hes very responsible with money, has lots of friends, and treats me like an absolute princess. the most important thing of all though is that he totally respects me and whatever i say, goes. he never ever tries to force himself on me, he always waits for me to make the move. if i say stop, he stops right away and doesnt argue or even ask why. last night we were both very turned on and so close to having sex...he asked me if he should get a condom and i said no im not quite ready yet and that was totally fine with him, he didnt even mention it again. i tried to explain why i wasnt ready yet and he said "you dont have to explain yourself to me babe, thats totally fine. i just want you to be comfortable." my ex was nothing like that, he had to have his way and if i didnt want to do something he would get mad.

 

i dont feel like i have to do hook up with him...and its been 5 weeks not 3. i totally want to have sex with him, it drives me crazy not to. its like all i can think about lately. i was single for 7 months before i met this guy...i was totally independent, i actually enjoy being single. i never did any one night stands or anything like that, i dont need someone to make me happy anymore. but i feel like this guy and i are going to last for awhile at least...hes always telling me how happy i make him and how crazy he is about me. hes been mentioning us doing something together in august, so i know hes hoping to keep me around.

[Batya33]

Oh, OP. Treating you like a princess is canceling plans and asking you to hang around at a bar watching him be a bouncer?

 

Are those your standards? As far as the waiting to have sex that should be the minimum you expect of any man you date- that if you say no or you're not ready, it's no, no questions asked. That's the minimum.

 

It sounds like you get attached very quickly and have a selective memory about how you tend to do that once you are smitten. I am not saying to dump him at all, just reevaluate your personal standards and why (at least to me) they seem a tad low.

 

As far as the plans in August that's very nice. Watch the feet - what he does - not the lips, what he says. Many people who are feeling happy in the moment reference things to do in the summer.

[jraf]

my current boyfriend is totally different than my ex. sure, i thought my ex was great at first too but there were also a lot of red flags that i ignored.

So you are certain that there are no red flags. What if he just hasn't waved them yet.

 

i dont feel like i have to do hook up with him...and its been 5 weeks not 3. i totally want to have sex with him, it drives me crazy not to. its like all i can think about lately.

Why?

 

hes always telling me how happy i make him and how crazy he is about me. hes been mentioning us doing something together in august, so i know hes hoping to keep me around.

I'm sure the previous quote above has some bearing on this comment.

 

You've asked for advice and, apparently haven't received the advice that you wanted to hear.

 

I've run into other threads to which JadedStar and Batya, multiple posters on this thread, have responded. While I don't know them, the advice they offer always seem appropriate to the situation.

 

Of course you can make any choices you like, but your posting history does not give me an image of a strong, independent, clear thinking person. Living by yourself does not make you an independent person. It just means you can financially support yourself.

[RayKay]

am i being ridiculous and paranoid and clingy? am i expecting too much? i just dont know what to do or what to think...i need to know whether this is going to work out. ive been thinking about taking that step and having sex with him but i dont want to regret it because we break up shortly after or because he cheats on me or something. i could use any advice you could give me!

 

This stuck out to me because it shows exactly to me that you are not that secure and confident as you may want to be.

 

How can ANYONE promise it will work out? They can't! You could wait to have sex with someone for a year, and there are no guarantees. You can sleep with them the first day and it could work out.

 

Entering a relationship and being vulnerable IS a risk. There is always a possibility for example my boyfriend will decide he is not wanting this relationship anymore after several years together. Would I be extremely hurt? Yes. And it would take me a long time to heal. But I would not regret when I had sex or that I put myself out there or my time with him or any of that. And I would be able to move forward and on and I would be OKAY.

 

It seems to me however you need a guarantee of things as you are looking for security in yourself. No one can give you that but yourself. No matter what crap is going on around me in my life, I can depend on MYSELF. That is my security.

 

My point is...don't look for someone else to fill what is missing within yourself. That is a surefire way to make mistakes in relationships, be blind to warning signs and more so to never really be happy with yourself and to also really add strain to even relationships with wonderful people.

 

I was also VERY aware in your first post that you focused so much on him being "perfect" in all these different ways, and "always" being open and honest with you. How do you know this at three weeks, five weeks, even five months? Early on people are on their best behaviour. He is being as "open and honest" as he needs to be on this stage which at this point really does not require much at all. You are really still strangers to one another. Whom he is has not been tested in time or circumstances that longer term relationships will involve.

 

I am not saying he is a BAD guy or that he ISN'T honest at all. I have no idea. I don't know the guy. What I am saying is you don't really either yet. Don't be so eager to cement things with someone you don't know. Enjoy the ride and enjoy the process. Don't be so focused on being "secure" with everything. Way too early for that!

[RayKay]

Also, just because he does not show any of the "negatives" of your ex does not mean he won't show his own negatives in time.

 

It is a mistake to evidence how "great" someone is by showing how they "aren't" like someone else.

 

We are ALL individuals, we are ALL flawed, and we all deserve to be seen for whom we are AS we are, not in reflection to someone else. But more so, doing that tends to blind us to the other things we should be paying attention too...

[missmebaby]

batya, he never cancelled plans with me, where did i say that? he wants to see me every time we are both free and he has never asked me to do something and then made up an excuse not to. he has done everything perfect so far except the part i dont like about him going out alot.

[Batya33]

OK. Well I will quote it rather than just refer to your recent post on the subject. Not sure where the disconnect is:

 

"Tonight we had plans to hang out and he calls me a little bit ago and says his buddy wants him to bounce at his bar tonight and he is going to do it but wants me to come with him and kind of stand around with him. That made me mad and i was kind of short with him and i think he could tell i was mad because he called back 5 mins later and said "nevermind, he called back and doesnt need me now so we can do whatever u want."

 

 

To me that is you had plans, he canceled in order to work, and he wanted you to hang around there and wait for him.

 

 

And: Last weekend he went out on friday and didnt ask me to come along, and last night he went out without me again

 

 

So no, he doesn't ask you to go out every time you are both free. Sounds like you are backpedaling and trying to convince yourself he is "perfect" - why?

[missmebaby]

ok well i guess i should just not date then because every guy is just some big * * * * * * * that puts on a front so i will like him but really just wants to hurt me. i guess i should just be single for the rest of my life. i dont get it...i came here to ask some advice on whether or not him going out a lot and working a lot was something i should worry about and what i should do about it and instead of anyone answering that question i get ripped apart for being insecure and told that he is probly just like my ex boyfriend. then everyone nit picks every little thing he does and makes it sound like hes a bad guy. im just trying to be happy, the guy seems like a genuinely nice respectful guy and now im doubting him, myself, and my ability to ever find a nice guy.

 

i dont understand what kind of guy im supposed to go for...one that stays home every night by the phone just waiting to talk to me, spends every waking moment with me, ditches all his friends, and never has any desire to have sex with me?