5 months pregnant and he cheated :(

[laura_mae]

I'll give you fair warning, this might get a little long. I am 23 and my husband and I have been married for a year and a half. I am 5 months pregnant. Ever since we got married, I have not had the same sexual appetite that my husband has. He wants it all the time, I'm fine with once every week or even every other week. It's very important to him, and to me our friendship and time together is more important. That being said, since I have been pregnant I haven't wanted it at all. That combined with some medical issues that can't be solved until after the pregnancy lead to us not having sex for over 4 months. I still love him, but was having trouble showing. The only thing he wanted was sex and I couldn't give it to him, so we were both unhappy. I shut down. We began treating each other as friends more than lovers. I felt like I was living with a roommate. My mood swings with this pregnancy have been terrible. I'll be laughing one minute and crying the next and all the time having no idea why.

 

Now to the infidelity part, I found out two days ago that he had cheated on me. It was a one time "mistake" so he says, but to be honest I don't blame him. I wasn't giving him what he needed so he got it from somewhere else. I can't sit here and say he never tried... I feel so horrible that I let him down. So sad that he was sitting there trying for months to feel needed and wanted by me... and I ignored all the signs. Now that everything's out in the open and I know he cheated and that his feelings for me romantically have not been the same for a while (my fault for the way I shut him out) I feel the only way that we even might be able to salvage our marriage is for me to leave. He's in the military so I'm going back home. I feel sooo alone! I want him to be here during this time... I want him to be there for our baby... and he wants to too, but I just feel like if we're going to fix this we need to do it now before our baby is born. This is the last few months that we have to focus on us.

 

Has anyone ever recovered from an infidelity in a marriage? Anyone ever feel like they fall out of love? I only want my husband to be happy.. if it's not with me it will break my heart but I will let him go. I love him with all my heart and can't imagine life without him!

[Excalibur]

With your attitude about this - you ought to have few problems.

 

You're stating he cheated because you didn't meet his needs or expectations. There's nothing really for you to get past with your mindset - it's your fault.

 

So in the future when he overspends, cheats, or whatever else - itll be for the same reason - you didn't meet his needs and expectations.

 

Now, if something isn't "his fault" - why should he pay consequences?

[laura_mae]

his cheating is what he did wrong. He wanted sex, and it's not that I didn't WANT to give it to him, I couldn't. I was having health problems as well as low sex drive from pregnancy. That's a normal part of the process. I never realized that he was that bad off... that he was that unhappy. He should have sat down and talked to me about this BEFORE it resulted in cheating. I don't care how unhappy you are in a marriage, cheating is never the answer. I was trying to give a background so all the replies weren't bashing my husband for cheating on me while I was pregnant. He was wrong, very wrong, but I just wanted to give the whole story, not just the "he cheated, feel sorry for me" type of thing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He cheated...he is responsible for that and he has to accept responsibility...him cheating is not your fault. However, I don't understand how you leaving is going to salvage your marriage. You salvage your marriage by being together and talking. It seems that your solution to everything is running away and shutting down. By you leaving, you are just continuing the same behaviours that landed the two of you into this mess. You may not be that into sex but surely there could have been a compromise so that you were meeting his needs more than once in a while. Relationships are about physical closeness...sex is part of it but there is also tender touching etc. If you want to salvage your marriage I would suggest counselling so that you learn the proper way to communicate and you learn that running away and shutting down will drive two people further apart.

[laura_mae]

we set up counseling and are going to continue counseling while I am away. His feelings for me romantically have pretty much fallen apart... it's both of our faults for letting that happen... but I don't think he's going to ever get the chance to try to get those feelings back if I'm here all the time. He needs to miss me... to feel like what life would be like without me... if only to be able to decide whether he's happier with or without me. I want to know for sure he's staying with me for ME and not just for our kid. We need time apart because "absense makes the heart grow fonder"... I'm hoping my vacation (I'll probably only be gone for a few months) will spark something in him... will show him that he does love me and miss me and want me here.

[metrogirl]

I never realized that he was that bad off... that he was that unhappy

 

Are you serious???? Don't justify his cheating. He cheated because he wanted to, not because he needed to. There is a big difference....

 

I'm not trying to be mean or harsh.....I certainly don't want to hurt your feelings but............if he was truly a man and really valued the marriage, he would understand that things like hormones are going to make you crazy until you have the baby. I think I am more disturbed at the fact that he knew you couldn't have sex because of health issues so he just decided to get it elsewhere... Certainly, NONE of this could be healthy for you or his baby now. I bet he wasn't really thinking about that when he was getting sex that he NEEDED elsewhere.....

[Excalibur]

Hon..he didn't want "sex".

 

There's alot of subliminal associations with sex each person has based on personal experience. But the willingness of someone "to have sex with me" - has some universal associations to. It's an ego boost, it's a thrill to be found so delightful, desirable, to receive this attention, etc.

 

Here's the thing...it's not likely he "got sex" - from a perfect stranger. So this is someone he's been flirting with and "semi-dating" - for attention, applause, adoration, and approval.....and sex was just a by product.

 

His flirtation and dating and cheatig says he has no respect for you as a person, he doesn't admire you and consider it a privilege to association.. That he has no romantic desire for someone who's not panting at his feet in adoration - not surprising.

 

If he stays with you "for the child" - don't knock it if he's a good provider. Good parents are often not "great partners" - which doesn't mean you two couldn't work out an arrangement where he can have sexual forays on the side for attenton and adoration - while you have his full time involvement with the child, financially and in terms of hands on responsiblity so that you odn't find yourself a single parent..while he finds himself a free man.

 

Absense only makes the heart grow fonder...if it was fond to begin with. Absense makes for free time and more options - if fondness wasn't present at the time absense began.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are talking like you are both simply dating and have broken up. YOU ARE MARRIED WITH A CHILD ON THE WAY. You don't rekindle a marriage by disappearing...that is the way to put the final nail in the coffin of this marriage. You go through the pregnancy TOGETHER or else you will forever resent him not being there and he will feel completely disconnected from his child. Does he agree to this separation?

[laura_mae]

yes, he agrees. He said he was going to move out, to get a place so we could take some time apart. That he needed to think about how he felt about me romantically and not let our friendship bond get in the way (we have an amazing friendship, get along great when we're just friendly and having fun... it's all the other stuff that takes work for us) but he's in the army so we're miles away from anyone else that I know and love. If he's not going to be here and wants time apart, I need a support system. I need my family during this time. He's very upset about not being there throughout the pregnancy, but it's the only way we both see that he might get some feelings back for me.

 

I know his cheating wasn't my fault but I also see that it wasn't like I didn't contribute. I just didn't do anything. That was my flaw. I should have sensed his need to be needed by me. That is why he cheated. Sex is a big deal, but he also said that for the first time in a long time, he felt like someone needed and wanted him. I need and want him, just don't exactly know how to show him in a way that he can understand. This is why the counseling will be good.

[laura_mae]

I'm not trying to make it seem like we're just boyfriend/girlfriend and breaking up. BUT I don't want to stay in an unhappy marriage just for a kid. I think that would be more damaging than anything. If he is unhappy, I won't be happy. I'll constantly be thinking about how unhappy he is and how he dosen't REALLY want to be with me. I need him to decide what he wants. He says the only way he can do that is if he has time alone to think.

[Excalibur]

It seems that you're just taking a little more time to get to intellectual/emotional closure - than the timeframe you have set for physical separation.

 

In short, if he's evaluating how he feels about you - he knows what he thinks about you and wants to stop having the feeilngs he has about you when in association with you.

 

Feelings are situational. Thoughts aren't.

 

So, if he "isses you" - it'll be the convenience of you taking care of bills, and being present to do the chores - rather than him doing that for himself as an independent person.

 

But he already knows he doesn't want a marriage with you in terms of considering your needs, wants, priorities and values in equality with his own.

 

I think you're taking an extremely unique step......you love him enough to want the best for him, as HE determines it to be...not based on your needs.

 

You're willing to end the marriage, let him step away from the obligation of parenthood entirely....while you who apparently do want to parent, shoulder the financial and physical resposibility of the tasks and chores in full.

 

It sounds more like you know that you wanted a child...and he knew that he was liking convenience and comfort. You two tried to make it work where if you get a baby and have the lifestyle of a married woman.....he has the convenience of having a wife for chores and tasks and appearances, that has little expectation of him other than to provide financially...and you're finding that didn't work.

[russ978]

The only thing he wanted was sex and I couldn't give it to him, so we were both unhappy. I shut down.

 

Now to the infidelity part, I found out two days ago that he had cheated on me. It was a one time "mistake" so he says, but to be honest I don't blame him. I wasn't giving him what he needed so he got it from somewhere else.

 

Has anyone ever recovered from an infidelity in a marriage? Anyone ever feel like they fall out of love? I only want my husband to be happy.. if it's not with me it will break my heart but I will let him go. I love him with all my heart and can't imagine life without him!

 

Hey Laura Mae,

 

From your husband's perspective, I think he would feel pretty offended if he realized that you think all he wants from you is sex. Maybe he did what he did because he feels unappreciated not just physically, but in the way you understand his desire to make you happy and his desire to have you want his happiness.

 

Have you guys sat down and had some real conversations about what you both want from each other and in life. I don't think that he did this as a 'one time thing' or because he 'needed to get it elsewhere.'

 

He most likely wants to get that love and attention from you, while I'm sure that is very difficult with the pregency and the other issues, you need to have some real conversations with your husband about what is going on in both of your lives.

 

I'm sorry he cheated and that is a serious issue, hopefully one that you can both work through.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with this. I also think you going through the pregnancy without him is going to really drive a bigger wedge between the two of you.

[laura_mae]

the thing is he wants his space... that AND he has to leave to go to school soon and won't be back until mid september... after my due date. So, I would rather be at home with people I know then to give birth to a baby and not have anyone there with me. If he can't be there I'd want my family to be able to. We agreed to take time apart and he's going to fly out after baby is born and we'll drive back together and give it another shot. We have had lots of serious talks.. we're getting along so much more now that we got everything out in the open. I KNOW this is the right decision for us. I just hope it all works out. Thanks for all the advice guys!

[jengh]

the thing is he wants his space... that AND he has to leave to go to school soon and won't be back until mid september... after my due date. So, I would rather be at home with people I know then to give birth to a baby and not have anyone there with me. If he can't be there I'd want my family to be able to. We agreed to take time apart and he's going to fly out after baby is born and we'll drive back together and give it another shot. We have had lots of serious talks.. we're getting along so much more now that we got everything out in the open. I KNOW this is the right decision for us. I just hope it all works out. Thanks for all the advice guys!

 

I think, with his cheating in the past, I wouldn't trust him during this "trial separation"... Will he be allowed to see other people while you're pregnant with his child? Do you trust that he WON'T see other women?

 

I think separating during such a time will only worsen things... like above poster said, drive a deeper wedge into this...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I personally think it is horrifying that he made this baby and he is walking away from the responsibility of making sure you are okay during the pregnancy and he is just simply carrying on with his own life letting you deal with the burden. It is like someone who doesn't want to be around to help fix dinner but says they will come back only when dinner is already out on the table. He won't even be there when the baby is born. If this is the way he is behaving now, you better get used to the notion of being a single parent because it doesn't sound like he wants to give up his life for anybody...even if you reconcile you might end up doing all the hard work with the child. In addition, the sex issue will come up again because having an infant is really going to hamper intimacy.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Honey, you need to be in counseling TODAY. Most people who ask for a separation like he is doing are seriously contemplating leaving permanently, and may be asking for the separation so that they can pursue someone else without all the drama that follows a full split up.

 

Is he really trying to rediscover his love for you, or get away to keep seeing his new girlfriend. If you want your marriage you better actively fight for it now in counseling and NOT agree to a separation. He needs to be there with you, go thru the pregnancy with you, attend counseling with you.

 

My fear is that he wants 'space' to continue to sleep with other women, and maybe after teh baby is here and you get your drive back, he might be back. Or maybe doesn't intend to come back at all.

 

Also, if you leave him, he can charge you with divorce grounds of desertion. If he is trying to sneak away to be with another woman, you should be charging him with grounds of adultery.

 

You just can't be sure he intends to come back. You really need to deal with this NOW rather than going off and hoping it will all somehow right itself in your absense.

[laura_mae]

I'm dealing with it the only way I know how. I can't stay here... I can't be somewhere I'm not wanted. If he "rediscovers" his love for me while I'm gone, I will be the happiest girl in the world. If he doesn't, then we will raise this kid together and he will be a loving dad. But he is not going to be there for me emotionally... he can't right now when we've dug such a big ditch in our marriage... and I need people who love and care about me. He would be there for the baby's birth if he could. He will be at AIT (training for another job) and they might not send him home. This is another BIG reason I'm going home. I can't stay here and risk him not being here and havign no one with me at the hospital.

[Excalibur]

it'd be wise to admit to yourself that the reason you're leaving is not to make him miss you - it's because you'd be alone in this time of pregnancy and you fear going thru labor/delivery on your own.

 

So you're going to a place where you believe you'll be emotionally supported, along with someone there for you physically at the point of delivery...

 

You're not leaving him to get him to miss you - it's you leaving to where you can get the needs you have met, because he doesn't meet them.

 

You're just hoping he misses the convenience of you enough to say "let's try again"...at least right now.

 

If he's absent for the birth, has little contact between now and then - it'll depend on how much you believe your own lies as to why this is occurring as to whether you'll want him back after going thru the pregnancy with your family, dealing with the attitudes and situational change of relocation while pregnant, etc.

[healthseeker]

I know his cheating wasn't my fault but I also see that it wasn't like I didn't contribute. I just didn't do anything. That was my flaw. I should have sensed his need to be needed by me. That is why he cheated. Sex is a big deal, but he also said that for the first time in a long time, he felt like someone needed and wanted him. I need and want him, just don't exactly know how to show him in a way that he can understand. This is why the counseling will be good.

 

I am not trying to be mean...but you really sound brain-washed! You are pregnant....with medical consequences...how is there a FLAW in that? And you did not show him that you needed him and wanted him...so he goes elsewhere...what a crock...is he saying these things or are you the one placing the blame on yourself?

 

The thing that I find most disturbing is that not only did he cheat...but now he needs time to figure out how he fells about you romantically? What a cruel way to treat his pregant wife! And to take the risk that this stress could possibly trickle down to the baby...how incredibly selfish.

 

I agree with the other poster that your leaving just gives him more free time. I also agree with you that you need a support system. But, I would make a list of all pros and cons before leaving. You need to be good to yourself and you baby above all.

[LifesontheUp]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Its bad enough (I know) to go through the fall out from infidelity but at a time when you are pregnant I believe is far harder.

 

I too think you should go back to be with your family. I think you need them. You need people around you that love you and will be there for you. I think deep down you know that your husband will not be there when you need him most. In fact lets get real here, you've not had an easy pregnancy so far and look how he's been..........I think you know deep down he's been selfish and is continuing to be that way.

 

Your husband may or may not come to his senses. In the meantime you need to start thinking of you and your baby. Being around your family sounds like a good plan to me.

[Applewhite]

I have to once again repeat an opinion I voiced in another thread. Excalibur, you are EXTREMELY unnecessary. I have only read 3 replies you have written so far, and when I see 'Excalibur' blood rushes to my brain.

[Applewhite]

As for the OP, honey you are being too harsh on yourself. Even though I don't (and can't) know the whole story, it seems like you are making excuses for this man. I think you should do what is best for you and the baby. If you feel you need to be away from him right now then 'disappear'. If you think you need to be with him and he is genuine about it, let him do that for you, but don't let this be how he makes up for it. It is his job as a parent, regardless of how the romantic relationship between you will or will not repair. If you think you need him and he WON'T be there, I would never ever forgive that person for something this big. That is even worse than the infidelity.

[BrightAiko]

it not ur fault...he shouldn't cheat on you no matter what!! he made a commitment to you and messed it up!

[Pettle]

Your posts states that it is ok that he CHEATED ON YOU

 

It is not your fault that HE cheated. He pulled his own pants down. I would be ashamed to be his wife and how could you sleep with him again knowing how much he disrespected you.

 

Every cheater would love someone like you.. the condoner.