Failure

[CynicalGuitarist]

Does anybody else here feel like they're a constant failure too? I've realized that my position in life is even more jacked up than I imagined, and I'm going nowhere fast. I'm too used to failing at everything. I'd actually find my life an amusing comedy like a lot of other people who know me personally do. I realized that I'm bad at pretty much EVERYTHING. I have no talents or skills whatsoever, and even if I do have any, they're so minute and meek that they don't make a damn difference in the universe. I'm a failure, plain and simple. I know this is kind of a recursive statement, but I don't care. I'm going nowhere in this life, am gonna be ashamed of myself no matter what, gonna hate who I am no matter what, and in fact, I keep praying for god (whoever it is) to kill me so that I can spare a million people a bunch of misery and guilt.

 

I am so far gone that it's pretty laughable. I mean, it's bad enough that I'm still gluttonous, shallow, annoying, immature, angsty, and moody, but now, I'm snapping at people left and right. Not a good thing when I'm working with the public as a cashier at a pizza place (a minimum wage, thankless romp), while I'm already pretty much misanthropic in the first place. Several years of being the "nice guy" has accumulated into my psyche and repressed me enough. I've learned, over the years, that being "nice" gets you nowhere. It'll make you repressed, passive-aggressive, anal, and grumpy... like Dr. Leo Marvin from "What About Bob?" Now I'm starting to understand what my dad meant when he said "Would you rather I be a jerk like everyone else?"

 

I mean, so what I've typed a lot of words and understand the english language better than several of my peers... who cares!? It's not THAT amazing of a feat... nothing a dictionary and thesaurus can't surpass me in. People have tried using that to try and object to whatever I say about myself, like it's gonna get me somewhere or something, but let me tell you something; I would rather be DEAD than a writer. Being anti-social... typing endless endless pages on something only preaching to the choir... living a boring, meek life of quiet desparation sitting on my behind... sitting at home with a dull wife and annoying kids... I mean... come on, I'm ADHD. I don't wanna be stuck doing that... I'd literally go insane.

 

Despite my non-stop failures and depression, I do have dreams. I want to be a singer... more than anything else in this life. I want to be in a band, jump and thrash around on stage, express myself while drenched in sweat, and have an active social life. It's my zen... what I've been working on trying to achieve. It isn't going so well, either. I have writers' block, for one "why are you writing this then, you idiot?" you ask... "that's obvious, you moron!" I respond, because I can't think of any other way to let this out. Plus, for two, I hate my voice. I absolutely hate it. It's too low and strainy. It might be decent for punk rock, but I don't really like punk rock. I wanna do stuff like King Crimson but more "accessable" while still being musically progressive... kinda like "Dredg" but I could NEVER sing like any of the greats, any of my heroes. It hurts. I wanna cry and cut my throat and drink myself to death, but I can't, cause I don't like outbursts of drama. However, I like singing, so what difference should it make if I sound bad, if I already suck at everything anyways? Now I'm starting to understand the pain all those American Idol rejects feel.

 

Maybe I've got it all wrong... Maybe I need to cave and buy an eighth of grapes, some grape swishers, lots of silly DVDs and snack food, and getting mega high for a long while zoning out to Moral Orel, Excel Saga, and Dead Leaves as a vacation. Too bad my aspirations to sing and my own self-control of my already bad spending habit are holding me back. DAMNIT!

 

...and people say that I don't make sacrifices. I miss pot more than anything right now.

 

Oh well... I guess I gotta enjoy the rest of the time I have before I have to force my behind to sleep... to deal with another workday tomorrow of being yelled at by my boss and another week of having my hours cut and repressing my feelings for that sweetie that works at the movie theater near where I work....

 

ARGH! WHO AM I KIDDING!? PLEASE, god, kill me!

[Daddy Bear]

"Music so wishes to be heard that it sometimes calls on unlikely characters to give it voice." -Robert Fripp

[15 Storeys High]

Failure is an event. Not a person. Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice. You can't dream yourself into a character. You have to hammer and forge yourself into one.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

in life you fail 90% of the time.

 

baseball players fail 90% of the time, barry bonds fails every 3 out of 4 attempts at bat, its just the fact that he refuses to take a loss and thereforeeee when he goes up the 4th time he hits that home run and no one remembers his failures. he must have stepped up to bat over 500,000 times in his career and taken 1,000,000 pitches and hes only hit a good 250,000 of them maybe less.

 

you fail 90% of the time in this life, its up to you weather you want to get back up and accomplish something great.

 

you want to be a singer? fine be a singer i want to be a rapper and im not going to give it up and its not going to come easy and yes i have failed over dozens of times

 

either pick yourself up or stay down the decision is yours

[talo]

Enjoyed that CG. Thank you.

 

Pleased to see that you now beginning to see 'all this' as a romp, laughable, a huge joke, nothing to get serious over. At the moment you may be seeing 'this' as a bit of a tragic comedy, wherein some can fail or hate, but this is only a stage, a reflection, a glum thought, in an otherwise roof lifting performance.

 

I can hear the applause now. You appear as the true tragicomedian.

[CynicalGuitarist]

in life you fail 90% of the time.

 

If that's the case.... I fail 99.9% of the time. Oh well, it just means I have more to re-cooperate from. At least my passion hasn't died.

 

Enjoyed that CG. Thank you.

 

Pleased to see that you now beginning to see 'all this' as a romp, laughable, a huge joke, nothing to get serious over. At the moment you may be seeing 'this' as a bit of a tragic comedy, wherein some can fail or hate, but this is only a stage, a reflection, a glum thought, in an otherwise roof lifting performance.

 

I can hear the applause now. You appear as the true tragicomedian.

 

I don't understand half of your posts, talo, but you do have a point. Life is a grand illusion, and isn't worth taking it seriously. Maybe it's other people who haven't really "woken up" to this fact yet.

 

Either way, you're welcome

[easyguy]

Sometimes it isn't the activity pursued that makes the difference, but the intention or motivation you bring to what you're doing. If you crave attention, the quality of your experiences will hinge on the basis of acceptance. There are many people in this world who find a great joy in discovering the mysterious and beautiful layers of music without desiring popularity. Why do you do what you do? Of course, our intentions can change over time, but starting something with strictly selfish motivations is over time only going to hinder us.

 

From the tone of your original post, CG, you seem to grasp very tightly to the desire to be accepted by others. Responding to that attachment by being greedy or hateful will only dig a deeper hole that you are creating for yourself. You do not necessarily have to go on a grand search to find that missing variable that makes you complete in some form or another. Perhaps it is just a matter of realizing that the root of what is creating your suffering isn't what you're doing (or not doing), but the mindset you cultivate when the unknown factors in life come up.

[CynicalGuitarist]

I understand where you're coming from, but I can't say I've intended on being better than other people. I don't sing to be famous or make tons of money; I do it because I like it (despite the fact that I hate my voice) and it doesn't feel like "work" to me. Sure, I'm not making money off of it, and have worked only to achieve nothing, but at least I do something I enjoy. Impressing the public or maintaining the "status quo" isn't my desire, like you may think. I'm not hateful or vengeful towards the people who have wronged me or yelled at me or treated me lower than cat crap... however, being too nice to people has really paid its toll on me. I've put myself in the mindset that I need to "crucify my ego" and unfortunately, that just wasn't a healthy frame of mind for me to have... Unfortunately, everyone cares what others think of them, whether we admit it or not. If we didn't, we'd always say what's on our mind and not consider even the simple fact that there's a time and place for everything.

 

Sure, maybe my dreams are grand, but that's because I've spent my entire life being the "little" guy. I stand a mere 5'5" at the most, I'm walked all over by others, never had a ton of friends, still a virgin, I'm the youngest sibling in my family, shortest kid in my class most of the time, and am towered over by everyone else in every single factor in this life. It sucks. I feel like every waking day of my life is nothing more than another losing battle. My life is not too much more successful than the main character from "Rocket Science" (if nobody here has seen it, please do so. well worth watching). It doesn't matter much to me anyways, cause life is just an illusion. It's nothing more than a movie. The only thing that I find solace in is the fact that, one day, I will die. The movie ends. Nothing more than ending credits. Now what lies beyond death? I don't know and perhaps I don't want to.

 

Maybe my friends are right. Maybe I DO need to start smoking pot again.

[CaptainPlanet]

u r like 2 year old. go to college take a good major, get good grades and it will sort itself out.

[CynicalGuitarist]

u r like 2 year old. go to college take a good major, get good grades and it will sort itself out.

 

It must be wonderful to have the mentality to simplify everything this way... Actually, I envy that.

[CaptainPlanet]

It must be wonderful to have the mentality to simplify everything this way... Actually, I envy that.

 

its easy ur two you can write ur name thereforeeee granted admission to college, and probably a pass degree working at a pizza shop unless ur dedicated to it and want to own your own store is a complete waste of time.

 

i did it for years some owners start out as workers and buy a store making $$$ but its not as good as it once was

 

seriously you should be in college you are achieving nothing else

 

get a degree in humanities or something, and then do another qualification if you find something spefic you want to do

 

me working is different i was getting > $30k per year you'll be getting closer to 10k per year, just go to college.

[sti_2004]

Failure is an event. Not a person. Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice. You can't dream yourself into a character. You have to hammer and forge yourself into one.

 

 

This is all the advice you need.

Take action.

[thejigsup]

In life, you can be the influenced or the influencer. The choice is yours. Live proud. We all have something to contribute, even though we can sometimes doubt that.

[CynicalGuitarist]

In life, you can be the influenced or the influencer. The choice is yours. Live proud. We all have something to contribute, even though we can sometimes doubt that.

 

You are right, I give you that... it's just that I'm too meek to lead, and too incompetent to follow. I guess my contribution to life is to be like a field monster in a RPG... just another obsticle that needs to be slain outta the way.

 

Oh well... at least it's better than continuously lying to myself... as they always say "truth hurts".

 

I might as well give up my body for experimentation for nootropics... if I do, my contribution to life might help find aide for the masses and their under-utilized prefrontal cortexes.

[CaptainPlanet]

Go to college, ecome an accountant, win at life. Be bored and miserable in a office making lots of money.

[thejigsup]

I used to be meek and thought I had nothing going for me. That was youth talking. As I got older, I found myself and my place. I know what I'm good at and concentrate on that. Believe me, there was a time when I felt I couldn't get out of my own way. Life will tell you what you should do, listen. By the way, believe in yourself and your music. I can't sing worth a darn and nobody is asking me to be in a band with them. If you have a dream, pursue it. Beats doing nothing and you never know. By the way, there is nothing wrong with being short. The one man who still preys on my mind from over twenty years ago was a mere 5'6", but what a man!