I'm starting to realize I have no real friends :( Is this OK/healthy for a 23 yr old?

[Lily04]

p.s. coincidentally, I just saw my former best friend today... the one we were just talking about in the last few posts. We live in the same apartment building (which is rather big) but were waiting for the elevator at the same time... she just politely smiled at me and looked away, and I said "hi." On the elevator, she didn't look at me or talk. So I just followed suit, and continued listening to my ipod. She smiled bye when she got off.

 

I'm thinking she probably doesn't want to reconcile our friendship, or at least not yet, which is fine with me. I think she's a very nice girl but I did always feel 'on edge' whenever I was around here, as if I have to filter everything I say so as not to possibly disrespect her. Everything could pretty much be interpreted as 'disrespectful' in her eyes... she's very conservative. So...I don't know. Until we both work out our personal issues, not sure it's necessarily worth trying to be friends. She did tell me she was on medication for OCD and anxiety but due to the side effects she stopped... and felt better. But I don't think medication really helped her either... unfortunately she doesn't seem to really grasp what her problems are, whereas I at least know what mine are... she thinks it's perfectly OK to freak out at someone for not saying something like "good day" after "goodbye", etc,.. I do hope she is able to get help and realize and overcome her difficulties one day though, because she is a very nice person.

[zamboa]

This past year has made me realize who my true friends are and arent. I always thought I had to have a lot of friends to be happy...The truth is a person has very few true friends in their life. I would rather have 3-5 friends I can really count on...than 10 people or more that are going to talk about me and stab me in the back. I was betrayed by "friends" when I was at my lowest (a good friend passed from cancer and I was going through a divorce)...now I have a difficult time trusting ANYONE. My good friends I have been friends with for years...but they too have their families and live far away. I feel very lonely a lot of the time...but I am blessed to have a great family. Hang in there and realize that you need to make yourself your best friend.

[Lily04]

Honestly though...

 

do we REALLY need true friends in life? Or just people we can chat with/complain with every so often... dont need a core group of people to do things with?

 

Are friends sort of 'overrated'? I could prob. get by with my family, a good book... and my own alone time.

[Batya33]

It's an individual preference. My close friends and my bf are precious to me. Knowing I have someone to laugh with, someone who I can vent to and -- very significantly - it's a great feeling to be trusted by someone else -- and to feel like the person thinks you can help them, or "get" them.

I also love having the friends who are not as close but are good friends, are fun - often they have potential to be closer if we both put in more time, or had more time - but when we see each other it's great.

 

Acquaintances - not unimportant but not soul-feeding the way my close friends are - still, it's nice to know that if I feel like company for a movie or a party there are people I can call and who call me.

 

I also love books and my alone time!

[15 Storeys High]

True friends know what you need even when you don't know yourself. That's why it's important to have one. In my opinion anyway.

[Excalibur]

it's impossible to make true friendships - until you have real interests and goals in life and pursue them passionately and self-responsibly.

 

After youth oriented associations dictated by parental standards, and after associations at higher ed due to proximity and same "interest" - higher ed.....you have to go out and be equal to the challenge of becoming the person you want to be......through what you pursue and accomplish, based on what you believe in termsof principles, values, and standards.

 

That'll have people associating with the "real you" for who you are...they'll share your interests, they'll applaud your accomplishments, you'llfind they share your values and standards.....and there is a bond for your existential soul - rather than fun, diversion, distraction, sex, entertainment, etc.

[bulletproof]

Yes, you do need friends. Humans are social creatures. It doesn't have to be a large group of people but a couple of good friends would be healthy.

 

Here is what I see from your posts here: you seem to be very self-involved and also quick to blame external factors for your problems. These are two really difficult things to overcome, but I think you need to in order to move forward with your relationships. In this one thread, you've mentioned that you are a model multiple times, how smart you are, how others are jealous, etc. You have done this in other threads also. This type of commentary is really off-putting. To get a friend you need to be a friend to people. Commenting on others' attractiveness, being negative, calling those you've fallen out with 'retarded'... this is where your troubles are stemming from.

[Lily04]

Yes, you do need friends. Humans are social creatures. It doesn't have to be a large group of people but a couple of good friends would be healthy.

 

Here is what I see from your posts here: you seem to be very self-involved and also quick to blame external factors for your problems. These are two really difficult things to overcome, but I think you need to in order to move forward with your relationships. In this one thread, you've mentioned that you are a model multiple times, how smart you are, how others are jealous, etc. You have done this in other threads also. This type of commentary is really off-putting. To get a friend you need to be a friend to people. Commenting on others' attractiveness, being negative, calling those you've fallen out with 'retarded'... this is where your troubles are stemming from.

 

maybe. the thing is that i dont really criticize others all the time in person... those are just my thoughts sometimes... so im not sure if that is it. It may be that i'm not friendly enough or something about me... I think it may be that im too introverted and dont "connect" or "click" with people on a deeper level well. To be honest... I think this is it. I have more friends who are 40 than my age...but I think I may be too "internally-oriented" which is true of many introverts. I tend to be too focused on inner thoughts and dialogue perhaps and not enough of an extrovert. Perhaps counselling will help with this.... I just tend to click well with others who are a bit eccentric, unique, or who have suffered a lot in their life themselves. Most of my friends also have mental or physical illness... I don't know. I'm just not "typical" in any way, shape or form I feel.... that may be why I connect better with people who are like that as well.

[JadedStar]

Lily i was a lot like you when i was younger only in the regard that i clicked with very "different" people..usually they had very eccentric personalities and were what society deemed a bit "out there". I know my upbringing with my father being paranoid schysophrenic led me to identify with "stranger" people so at least i know where my inclinations started.

 

But i was able to adapt and become extremely social with virtually any personalty type and folks from all classes so it can be done. Don't limit yourself to one specific group of people and dont allow yourself to use your introversion as an excuse to be off putting to others just because you think "internally". That is something you can definitely overcome. You can't have friends your age and mentality if you are always comparing yourself to them. They will be extremely off put over it.

[Lily04]

Lily i was a lot like you when i was younger only in the regard that i clicked with very "different" people..usually they had very eccentric personalities and were what society deemed a bit "out there". I know my upbringing with my father being paranoid schysophrenic led me to identify with "stranger" people so at least i know where my inclinations started.

 

But i was able to adapt and become extremely social with virtually any personalty type and folks from all classes so it can be done. Don't limit yourself to one specific group of people and dont allow yourself to use your introversion as an excuse to be off putting to others just because you think "internally". That is something you can definitely overcome. You can't have friends your age and mentality if you are always comparing yourself to them. They will be extremely off put over it.

 

Jaded, you seem so well-rounded I have to admit. I also saw your display pic and I can tell that you look intelligent. I think we'd get along in real life But anyway... how were you able to become socially integrated? I can be extroverted at times... it depends on the group of people, sometimes it's a bit forced and exhausting but I have become much more flexible to the extent that I actually get really lonely being by myself (hence this thread) and want friends. I force myself to go out if possible - yesterday i went to a school party (BUT it was at a nightclub so not a great chance to meet people, and i arrived late when most people were drunk..) but whenever i go out, i try to have conversations with people by starting off, asking a question and so forth... I am usually quite successful but asking a girl for her # can be quite awkward at times lol (I do it only if in a club setting or something, where it's OK to exchange numbers because it's for school or whatever). But... how do you make friendships and socialize with people and genuinely connect with them? The people I connect with dont seem to be my age... that's what I mean. I'm not trying to close myself or judge people my own age...

 

My father also has multiple problems, ironically enough, including bad bipolar (not officially diagnosed, but he either has that or something worse) so... I can relate with you on that. I know my family upbringing is responsible for some of it but not all... I was always teased in school when I was younger for being a bit 'off' (I had a learning disability that meant i was extremely smart in some areas, but couldn't tie my shoes until i was like 10 years old..literally..) and then overweight as a kid, despite being goodlooking... so I was teased for that. No big shock it led to me being insecure about my weight for a while.. anyway.

 

That is why I think I need counselling - some of those issues still reside and are affecting my self-confidence and I need to get over. But most importantly of all, I need to solve this issue of why I can't really 'connect' with people and thereforeeee aren't making friends. Assuming friendship IS an important part of one's life... and happiness, then maybe I should learn how to make them..without them flying away all the time.

[Lily04]

I'm feeling a bit down again though... one of my friends didn't answer 2 of my messages on Facebook and I don't know why. I think it may be because he saw me as a different person than the one I was now... i pretended that i did weed and was more promiscuous than i was... because i didn't want to seem 'uncool'. Soo I joined in sort of poking fun at this person we both knew who was still a virgin, when I was still one as well. I think that's reasonable though -- many people feel uncomfortable about sharing the fact that they are still a virgin so they'll just play along... then I decided to be honest and tell him. (NOTE: We were not dating at all, just friends.) Since then, he hasn't returned my messages...

 

And another friend... I realized (I don't know when he did this - maybe months ago? or days? who knows...probably at least 3 months..) de-listed me as a friend from Facebook. We were pretty cool together though, but all of a sudden, for I don't know what reason (as I haven't talked with him since the summer and ... we used to chat amicably) just de-listed me. I then added him again thinking it might be a mistake but asked him "why did you delete me as a friend?" And he just deleted me again, without responding...

 

I don't know if word got around somehow about something bad about me... one thing that is bad about me in terms of friendship (and relates to pretty much EVERYTHING)is time management & commitment issues. SO I'll say that I'll go to a party, and then cancel cause I only had 2 hours of sleep and dont want to party... or I realize none of my friends are going to the party so it's just me and one other person who i would feel awkward around, so I cancel... or I just don't show up because I slept in or was furiously busy writing an essay...

 

If that happens a few times, is that enough for people to end friendships over? Also, sometimes, because I feel bad I will lie about it.. they're just white lies but still.........i.e. the friend who i'd feel awkward going to the party with because it seemed like he was being very flirtatious around me despite having a gf... I cancelled on him and said it was because i just went to the chiropractor and my leg was hurting a lot thereforeeee couldnt dance... but didnt give him much notice... since then HE also hasn't talked with me or returned msgs. I msged him today and he said "BRB"... and then never came back until after I left (on MSN).

 

Why is this...is it MY fault??

[JadedStar]

Lily, there are far too many occurrences of this happening with people to be random and not due to something you are doing. I dont know you personally so it would be hard for me to tell you wtih certainty but i can tell you that you are apparently really off putting these people if so many de list you and are ignoring you. You mentioned three examples above, now add to that the fall out with your sister over similar issues, and the good female friend you mentioned before and it really strongly suggests you are doing something that is really offending them and maybe you dont realize it.

 

The first guy friend above you mentioned is probably off put not that you are a virgin but because of all the lying.

[Lily04]

Lily, there are far too many occurrences of this happening with people to be random and not due to something you are doing. I dont know you personally so it would be hard for me to tell you wtih certainty but i can tell you that you are apparently really off putting these people if so many de list you and are ignoring you. You mentioned three examples above, now add to that the fall out with your sister over similar issues, and the good female friend you mentioned before and it really strongly suggests you are doing something that is really offending them and maybe you dont realize it.

 

The first guy friend above you mentioned is probably off put not that you are a virgin but because of all the lying.

 

AHH I just wrote a reply and it got deleted. But basically I said that the first guy is not upset with me - I just msged him yesterday and asked if anything was up, and he said no, he's just been really busy as of late and blowing off all friends, but it's not intentional. He asked if I wanted to meet sometime soon to catch up. He's really cool and not one to hold grudges because of deciding not to reveal that I am a virgin as it was quite sensitive and just rather join in laughing. I think that's natural and not to hold a grudge over - in fact, doing so would be unreasonable. The girl who had a bday party and didnt invite me - I suspect that was because maybe she didnt like me for whatever reason, but maybe also because she felt we weren't close enough and maybe she was only inviting her close friends to her party. Really, I dont know her that well... perhaps that's it. I can't see why she would hate me already...

 

The other guy who i cancelled on - I suspect that might be the reason for it. He's supposedly quite religious and thereforeeee may not want to be friends with someone who lies a lot (it's against the Bible and all...)

 

In terms of the guy who delisted me on Facebook... I really have no idea. I did nothing to offput or offend him, to be honest. I only knew him in class situations, which is why I suspected maybe a rumour got around about me re. essay extensions or god knows what... I really have no idea. It was probably not something I did, but something he heard from a 3rd party because I haven't even talked with him since last summer.

[raffi_FL]

Lily04: I can relate to you. I'm your same age and am finding out just how strange and difficult things can be in regards to friendships. I moved pretty far away from where I grew up. Some friends I keep in touch with and others just seem like they are drifting away. I guess this is just how life is.

 

Where I live now making friends is not easy. At work it is mostly male and they are all over 30 (mostly over 40) and married with kids. Nice to talk to at work but no one I'm going to hang out with or have girl talk with haha. In the Midwest it seemed people were a lot more friendly. Here I have found that is not always the case. I'm no longer in school and at bars people aren't very outgoing with outsiders. I have a bf and he's alright and all but I would like to meet more friends, especially women.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Btw, I'm a tall girl too! Tall chicks are awesome.

[JadedStar]

Lily do you think a part of your problem with the friends thing could be that you are comparing yourself to people like your sister and others who are naturally very gregarious and who have tons of friends around them?

 

If so, i'd suggest not doing that. For me personally my really true and close friends are few but precious. I was never the type to have a zillion "close" friends. I have a zillion aquaintences who i really like and who fill different needs but we are not phone chit chatters who go get our nails done together or go dress shopping. That is just not my personality. I like to go shopping alone. I Like to do lunch alone 60% of the time. Or more. I like solitary activies 65% of the time over group activities. I LOVE a good party, but i like to go home before the rest because too much being around people starts to aggravate me.

 

I am thinking you might be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole in that you have this idea of what being a social butterfly looks like and you are trying to be like people who crave being around friends 24/7. Not everyone is like that Lily. My daughter is the type who simply HATES being alone. She wants a friend on her side all the time. I am polar opposite. I like my friend time, but it is regimented and i can't have it ALL the time.

 

Maybe you are just trying to force yourself to be more outgoing and gregarious than you are genetically wired to be.

[Lily04]

haha, thanks raffi. how did you know I was tall, btw, I dont think i mentioned my height in this thread... but maybe i did...

[raffi_FL]

Because I am psychic! Just kidding I read your post on page two that mentioned being 5'10 and dieting. I'm 6 feet. I get those wonderful comments from people "God I would hate to be your height"

[Lily04]

Because I am psychic! Just kidding I read your post on page two that mentioned being 5'10 and dieting. I'm 6 feet. I get those wonderful comments from people "God I would hate to be your height"

 

aww. my cousin is 6'0" too (and female) but quite pretty and struts it off! She even wears heels lol... she was actually the same height as her ex-husband too... it's all about confidence. It used to bother me when I was younger, being tall, but now it doesn't... I actually like it. I like having long legs... I also think it makes me thinner... but that may all be psychological. I just have a feeling that if I were smaller I would probably also be a bit bigger, but who knows...

[raffi_FL]

Yeah I'm happy with it. I agree about the thinner part, I think weight can be less noticeable on us. Sorry for hijacking your thread.

[Lily04]

That's an interesting comment, Jaded... likely true. I have improved *tons* since I was younger and very very introverted. I think because of my LD, I always felt sort of the odd kid out, and I remember my mom commenting that my elementary school teachers would always complain that I wasn't playing with other children and always keeping to myself... even during recess, gym time, i didnt want to play with them, etc. I have forced myself since university to be more outgoing and make friends and as a result of self-help resources, and school, I'm no longer afraid to talk in class or just make random conversations with people. That said, I dont necessarily enjoy it all the time. It's not always 'natural' for me. And since I dont click with people that much and im not naturally extrovertive, i do tend to prefer solitary activities. My sister is the exact opposite - huge extrovert. Do you think it's really genetically wired like that though? i don't know. Part of it could be, and part socialization.

 

Anyway... why do you think that may be part of my problem with friends? That I am expecting too much from people who may be introverted as well, and perhaps do not go out all that much? Or I expect too much from myself when it's not in my nature to be outgoing, etc. anyway?

[Lily04]

That said, I dont know if it's because i'm becoming more extrovertive or more because i'm feeling lonely (likely the latter) but I am craving more social activity... maybe also because i feel like a loser for not chatting with friends that much. But I would like to go out more, for instance, to clubs and meet people (guys, esp. since i'm single!!! i can truthfully imagine myself still single at 30 because i just never went out..) but NO ONE will go out with me. NO ONE will invite me out places. It's getting really annoying and depressing!!! And then I feel upset thinking i dont have any friends,...

[Zonext]

As for myself I prefer being alone. I hate to cater to what others enjoy.

I don't smoke or drink(my preference) I hate crowds.

I have associates I work with. We talk but there is no-one I can call a friend. I don't feel my life is deprived.

I am an individual. I can't be like them so I find my joy in what I want in life.

[Lily04]

As for myself I prefer being alone. I hate to cater to what others enjoy.

I don't smoke or drink(my preference) I hate crowds.

I have associates I work with. We talk but there is no-one I can call a friend. I don't feel my life is deprived.

I am an individual. I can't be like them so I find my joy in what I want in life.

 

what do you find joy in, though? supposedly people find joy most in others... in being around their friends, loved ones, family...

[Lily04]

HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO GO OUT OR I AM GOING TO GO INSANE!!!!!!

 

i dont have friends but it's REALLY getting to me. some of the ugliest girls i know get asked out like 20x/year and i only got asked out maybe at most 10... becauuse i simply do not go out!!! i stay in my own little room or library or gym and hibernate and as much as i want to go out and socialize and just have a bf, or something, i cant because i dont have friends... to go with. and no one asks me out!!! IT"S DRIVING ME INSANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE.

[bulletproof]

HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO GO OUT OR I AM GOING TO GO INSANE!!!!!!

 

i dont have friends but it's REALLY getting to me. some of the ugliest girls i know get asked out like 20x/year and i only got asked out maybe at most 10... becauuse i simply do not go out!!! i stay in my own little room or library or gym and hibernate and as much as i want to go out and socialize and just have a bf, or something, i cant because i dont have friends... to go with. and no one asks me out!!! IT"S DRIVING ME INSANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE.

 

"Some of the ugliest girls I know get asked out"? That is so harsh and really unkind. You have a terrible attitude problem. Maybe that's the issue. Maybe those "ugly" girls are smart and fun and kind and actually care about people other than themselves. Seriously, you have severe problems. Please get yourself some help.