His "I'm sorry" explanation e-mail..How/when do I respond?

[Suzanne1281]

The guy who I was dating who let me know he was torn about his feelings for his ex told me 2 weeks ago he was going to go NC with her. I hadn't heard from him except for Monday when I let him know I was going to give him space and he said he appreciated that. I did just that all week and I got this e-mail from him today at 11:30. I do care about him, I am angry and hurt, I would like things to work at some point between us, but know to give him space. How long do I wait to respond to this and how do I put what I just said without losing a guy's respect?

 

 

I'm sorry I haven't been communicating, but I guess I should just fill you in on everything.

 

After telling you that I was still in love with Sarah, and being honest with you, I had to be honest with Sarah. I told her about us, and she pretty much freaked out. I have been dealing with that all week, and in order to make my life easier, since I pissed off two people, I chose to ignore our issues.

I am sorry for this, but it is really the only way I can move forward and forget about Sarah.

I have been arguing/fighting/explaining almost constantly since Sunday afternoon, and I am tired, and not really looking for another one.

 

I'm sorry I have been a bastard. I wasn't completely honest with you in the beginning, and that was not fair to you. I just had one foot out the door, and I couldn't bring it in.

 

[jettison]

And now you're suppose to say, "Ah, you're really in love with your ex, but you can't have her. So, I'm the runner up. Awesome! I win!"

 

And that would suit you? If you're the also-ran now, you'll be the also ran again in the future. I'm surprised he has the balls to tell you that he might still want things to work out between you two. How is it your concern that Sarah "freaked out" on him? He seems to be telling everyone just a little, but not nearly enough.

 

I'd dump him straight out, and then tell him to call you again in 6 months, and if you're not already taken, and he can stop being a little boy, maybe you two can think about being friends.

[EyesOnThePrize]

If this happened to me, I would let him know that I was going to give him some time to clear his head and that he should contact me when he believed he was ready for a relationship with just one person. I think he's in a very confused state, and a relationship with him now could be very difficult.

[TechResQ]

People are not objects to own...he is clearly treating you as some sort of booby prize, in case he can't decide who he REALLY wants to be with! Not fair by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Sorry you are going through this crap. Give him the space he wants. Don't answer his email and see how long it takes him to write you again or call you...bet it won't take long at all. he needs a taste of his own medicine.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And then some people on this board get on my case when I tell people to get over an ex BEFORE they start to date. This is what happens if you use dating to try to get over an ex...the rebound person always gets hurt. I am sorry you have to go through this. I am not sure he is worth waiting around for.

[Litgirl01]

And then some people on this board get on my case when I tell people to get over an ex BEFORE they start to date. This is what happens if you use dating to try to get over an ex...the rebound person always gets hurt. I am sorry you have to go through this. I am not sure he is worth waiting around for.

 

I agree!

[flower99]

Sorry you are going through this crap. Give him the space he wants. Don't answer his email and see how long it takes him to write you again or call you...bet it won't take long at all. he needs a taste of his own medicine.

 

I agree -just don't respond.

But to me this email sounds like he's emotionally drained from that relationship & Doesn't want another one...even if he did - I'd let him go. 4 things stood out to me as signs to leave this mess. You're 'dream man' the right one for you, wouldn't do any of the below. don't settle for this

 

1. He said he had one foot out the door & couldn't bring it in

2. he said he wasn't honest with you from the start

3. that he is still in love with his ex

4. she freaked out about you & him.. meaning she is obviously she's not over him either...

And like he said he put aside you're issues & was focusing on that relationship's (him & ex) issues...You were set aside, put on the sidelines.Because This is an unfinished relationship between sarah & him. And i wouldn't wait around for him...you can have & deserve more.

 

I would get out, before you get hurt further.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with all of the replies.

 

I have been the "also-ran," as Jettison put it, and it is a TERRIBLE position to be in. In my case, the "first choice" came back, leaving me nowhere when my ex agreed to take her back. I have promised myself that I will never be someone's "second choice" again; in fact, if a guy has to choose between two women, I will graciously take myself OUT of the competition. It's just not worth it.

 

Suzanne, I really think you need to let this guy go for now. You already did the right thing by giving him space, and you should continue to give it. To be honest, it sounds like he is still in love with his ex. I'm sure he has feelings for you, too, but he needs to get himself together and figure out what he really, truly wants. While he's doing that, you need to be moving on and doing your own thing. Don't let him take you on an emotional rollercoaster ride, and please don't wait around for him.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know it is painful.

[browneyedgirl36]

I also agree with the posters who said not to respond. You promised him space, and this is a way to give it to him.

 

Hang in there.

[flower99]

^^^ Very well said, I fully agree with every word of this^^^

((hugs))

[Hope75]

This guy has too much on his plate to be ready for a healthy relationship with you.

 

I'm sorry you got involved with someone who cannot give himself to you, but I hope you will put an end to it before you get hurt any more than you already have.

[theredrocket]

No reply at all would be the most powerful thing you could say

[CrapAtNC]

I'm confused.

 

Is dating the same as being in a relationship? I date, but, to me, as a Brit, that means just that: date.

 

You can NOT hold my hand, you can NOT fall in love with me, and you can NOT sleep with me ... yet.

 

Dating, in the Brit sense, to get over an ex is good for everyone as long as we're not stringing anyone along. But it seems that, in the case of the OP, it was definitely wrong to initiate a relationship when the guy knew he wasn't ready to move on.

 

Sorry you're experiencing this. I'd leave him alone for a while.

 

Best of luck!

[Litgirl01]

My ex, who is British, had plenty of women around during our "relationship"!! I believe he was stringing everyone along! ;-)

[segor56]

Suzanne- I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. He's right... he totally ignored you and now he's too tired to deal with your feelings, so he wrote you an email to tell you he's tired of fighting about you and being in love with his ex??

 

It is soooo hard. I KNOW>> As much as you shouldn't give him any sort of reply, I'd find it difficult to not say: I agree with you. You are a . Goodbye.

 

Chin up!! You deserve BETTER.

[spazmy]

Suzanne,

 

As I said earlier, some people are really selfish. They try to get away from their own pain by bringing another into the picture. If they did try and resolve matters in their own heads, before they went after others, it would be a perfect world. Listen to what everybody is saying. Do not respond. Protect yourself -- it is hard -- I know -- but take care of yourself. You will be all right. Trust me.

[Suzanne1281]

Unfortunately, I did respond before i read all of these...here is what I said. Please let me know if this was right:

 

I do appreciate you letting me know what happened because I did need to know for my own peace of mind. From my own past experience, I know these things take more than a few days or a week to get through.

 

I can say that I have no intention of fighting with you or hating you. Yes I was angry and yes I was hurt. But you let me know you really didn’t know what you wanted. I do care about you. If things did work out between us and we find out that’s something we both want at some point, you should call me. But I know and want to give you space right now to clear your head and I need to take care of myself. I’m not going to worry if what I’ve said is the right or wrong thing, I just wanted to write how I feel about this. Be well and I’m sure I’ll see you.

 

Suzanne

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think your response was very mature and left the door open for him should he decide to walk through it. You have done all you can now and at least you can walk away knowing that you tried. Good for you!

Now just move on with your life. Be careful about him making contact with you...he might do so because he is lonely and not because he suddenly realized you are the one. He needs time...lots of it...he will not sort himself out any time soon. So if he comes back in a couple of weeks, be on your guard. I would not trust that his heart is in it.

[Mustang]

It seems to me that he is confused and was perhaps trying to force himself to get over by using you as a rebound. I wouldn't say that it was a deliberate attempt to hurt you but the simple fact is, you should let him make his own mind up.

 

I would walk away. As hard as that is.

[Suzanne1281]

Thanks everyone. I think the most important thing is that you let me know I made a mature response. I guess if worst comes to worst, I am the one who was able to walk away with my head held high and MOST importantly with my dignity in tact.

 

I really appreciate everyone's help. This website and its members are both wonderful.