Closure email from ex...

[JadedStar]

You can regret breaking up with someone because they will no longer be friends. Being friends makes it easier for the dumper.

 

And thats exactly what Im saying mate.

 

Yes and breaking up is hard even for the dumper altho not nearly as painful, but it is hard because even tho the romance is gone you still are losing a friend. I udnerstand WHY they want to remain friends but i also understand even more the value of letting it go.

 

It was like that with me and my ex husband. The romance was gone but he was a good friend to me and that was hard to lose, but i had to let it go so that he could move on.

 

Now that we have both moved on we still keep in touch. He calls me sometimes for advice or in regards to our son but i keep it very much to a minimum.

[Mustang]

I wish she hadn't replied. I didn't expect one and all her reply has done is mess with my head anymore.

 

I won't respond to her email. Although I really want to. It's really clear to see that she doesn't want me hating her and that's the only reason why she responded. She knows she hasn't handled things very well and she probably has no justification for her actions.

 

She's passing the buck onto me by saying things like "I'm sure you're sleeping around and that's fine with me" to take the guilt away from her. It makes her feel less guilty if she gives me permission to sleep with other girls.

 

She doesn't care about me at all. She just doesn't want to be the bad guy and that explains why she apologised for not replying sooner and how she hates the fact that she's hurt me. Her email was not written for my benefit. It was purely for her. She can walk away thinking "well, I was nice to him so I've done nothing wrong".

 

I'll be OK as the days go by. I won't respond to her email.

 

I am a big believer in karma and fate. It will come back to haunt her one day. It is such a shame because I really love this girl and would do anything for her. Even now. Call me a fool if you wish, but I do. The trouble is, she knows it. Well, she hasn't got me anymore.

 

The fact that annoys me is it's taken five months for her to open up to me and she's only done it as a last resort to make herself look like a caring girl. She admitted she feels bad. Well, good. Let her. One day, she may look back and realise that she threw away a guy that would've done anything for her and by then, I will be with someone who appreciates me.

[Litgirl01]

I hope there is such thing as Karma too...my ex has it coming! Hang in there Mustang! Let go and move on...so many women, so little time! ;-)

[pryda]

But if that is the truth for her dumping me then karma will come around and one day the novelty will wear off and she will be single and lonely...

Yeah, pretty much.

And it'll be even worse if she doesn't have the security of you there as a friend too, so punish her by not giving her that.

 

My situation is somewhat similar to yours. The ex left me in November; her reason just seemed to be that she was bored and wanted to have some 'fun' with other guys. Initially, I acted similarly to you. I sent her a long email telling her my feelings and basically spent the Christmas period trying to get into 'situations' with her whereby I could guage whether or not she was gonna come back at any point. But as soon as I went back to uni in January I changed my attitude; I decided I wanted to punish her for ruining our relationship and our friendship and the first step was to stop giving her any attention whatsoever.

 

Right now, you're feeling low because she dumped you for shallow reasons. You shouldn't feel low. Instead, take on the mentality that she dumped you for shallow reasons and she's gonna pay the price for it. If she's anything like my ex (and it sounds very much like she is), then she's easily distracted by 'greener pastures' and probably has a problem appreciating what she's got. She looks at other people and thinks that everyone's having more fun than her, making more friends than her and getting 'better' guys than her. She's willing to throw away a very good two year relationship just to fool around and be a slapper. Don't worry - although she gives off the impression that she's enjoying her life right now, she WILL get bitten by it all at some point.

 

I told my ex at our last meeting (end of December) that I didn't care if she started seeing other people, because any relationships she was going to have would only show up just how good ours was in comparison. When I said it, I meant it. That's an example of the confidence I have in myself and in my compatibility with this girl. And low and behold, she started seeing someone and it blew up in her face after a couple of months. She's now seeing someone else horrendously inappropriate and exactly the same thing is starting to happen. "Gosh, men really do suck don't they?" "Where are all the nice men?"

 

It sounds like I'm wanting my ex to fail in future relationships, and that might seem petty. I've read loads of advice on here along the lines of "if you don't want your ex to be happy then you never loved her anyway" etc. etc. But you know what, I'm gonna offer some contrary advice - take it or leave it. My advice is to think about how your ex ruined what you had for stupid reasons, and don't forgive her. Don't talk to her because she doesn't deserve your attention. Don't give a damn who she sees and/or if she gets screwed over, because all she is getting is what she deserves. If you have to go as far as disliking her as a person, then do it.

 

It may sound immature, but I actually don't think I started getting over my ex until I could muster up some contempt for her and her ways. If you sit around thinking about how amazing she is, and sending her carefully-constructed emails, you're getting nowhere. She's lapping it up and giving you nothing in return. So instead, just sack her off. Don't wish her a happy birthday. Bring her up in conversation now and again when you're with friends and just take the p*ss out of her.

 

I don't really think about my ex much anymore. I'm over her, and the reason for that is that I just don't really like her anymore. I've trained myself to dislike her and not care about her.

 

I never thought I'd ever give this sort of advice, but it has worked for me so I might as well share it. All the fodder you need is right in front of you. She dumped you so she could sleep around. Let her sleep around. She's a slapper. You don't wanna be with someone like that. I promise you, one day she'll realise that building a relationship is not an easy thing to do, and what she had with you was good but she wasted it. It's her who has the issues, not you. Just live your life, and someone else will come along. It doesn't matter how long you're waiting, there's no rush.

 

There was a philosopher called Samuel Johnson. He said that human beings can never be truly happy because it is human nature to always want more. That attitude alone, the constant pursuit for something more and something different, is what makes us unhappy. In other words, the key to happiness is being content with what you have. You built a relationship with your ex and you were happy with it. But she's different - she let her 'greener pastures' get the better of her. She ruined the good thing she had in her life for the same reason she'll ruin every good thing that ever comes her way in the future - because of her constant drive for change.

 

My point is, right now you're unhappy and she appears to be happy.

But in the long run, you will end up happy and there's a big chance she won't.

[Mustang]

Thank you Pryda. Your post means a lot. I can totally understand where you are coming from.

 

I have been scared to tell her that I am angry with her. I have never stood up for myself because I have been worried that she'd use that against me to justify her decision. So I've been nicey nicey to her in the hope that she'd one day think "why did I treat him so badly?" and come back to me. But I realise that's foolish.

 

Her email has really annoyed me and hurt me. OK, she was being nice but it's purely for her benefit. She doesn't really care. She doesn't feel bad. At all. She's just saying she does so she doesn't look bad.

 

I'm sure she gets days where she wonders if she made the right decision but me being there for her as a "friend" and being nice just gives her what she needs. Reassurance that I'm still there. Reassurance that she can take what she wants and I'll keep giving. Well, not anymore. Her patronizing email was the final straw and the push I need to man up and move on.

 

It is a shame because I love this girl more than anything. But the girl I love is dead and I just need to focus on the anger and resentment I have and use that as motivation for moving on.

 

Being nice to her doesn't do anything for me but it does everything for her. She knows she's got a loyal, loving guy on the backburner. Well, not anymore.

 

I'm not saying I was the perfect boyfriend and I know that towards the end I was a bit clingy but I had reasons. Reasons and fears that turned out to be true. She feels guilty (her own words) and she feels bad for hurting me. Well, now she can face the consequences at long last. She's not really lost anything as of yet. I've been there for her the whole time and she knows she can ring me up and get back with me whenever.

 

The fact she told me "I'm sure you're making up for lost time and I'm cool with that" suggests that she is doing the same thing.

 

In our LC I have got the impression every so often that she's not happy. She's certainly not the same girl she used to be. I know people change, but she just seems to be so caught up in partying that she's lost the person she really is. I've tried to walk away before and she's always pulled me back in. I think she's expecting me to come back to her again. I won't crack this time.

 

It sounds horrible but I want to hurt her somehow. I want to make her feel worthless like she's made me feel worthless. I want her to really feel awful. Not just say she does. I want her to have a sleepless night or two like I have. I want her to spend a night in crying her eyes out because she threw me away. I want to get with one of her friends. Immature it may well be but let's face it... she dumped me when she got to uni and didn't have the bottle to sit me down in person and be open and honest about it. She ignored me for two weeks and then reluctantly did it over the phone because I put her on the spot.

 

My motivation now is to move on and find happiness purely to rub it in her face. I know after a while I won't think like that, but I want to prove to her that she's lost out and that I am not some pathetic guy that pines for her day in day out.

 

No more Mr Nice Guy.

[AronSchneider]

The E-mail tells that she doesn’t care if you love her or that you don’t want to be friend with her. My ex don’t care if I tell her that I want to be her friend, she just want me out of her life and I think your ex want it to. This is very tuff but its true that people act this way when they are young and don’t have children. She will likely get a lot of new friends and in two-three years she will just say hello to you on the street. Never send final letters after a break up. That is why we use the Non-contact method so nothing gets final like this.

 

This does not mean that you can’t get her back, this just means that you lost this round but the chess game is not over yet. She will stay at the University for a long time (I think) and it will be hard for you to get her back, if the University is far away in another city. But don’t worry; you can get her back you only need to figure out a new approach to her. For now you need to get into Non-contact mode for a couple of weeks or months and work on yourself and the new tactic!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If she is a party animal then I would bet that sooner or later that will catch up to her and she will indeed be crying her eyes out. The type of guys she will attract at university are the ones who want notches on their bedpost...she will get very hurt like many of the "girls gone wild" before her. You are hurt and angry right now but eventually you will realize that her personality has changed and just no longer meshes with yours. One day instead of feeling anger and resentment, you will just feel pity for her because she will be a shell of the person you once knew.

[pryda]

Thank you Pryda. Your post means a lot. I can totally understand where you are coming from.

 

I have been scared to tell her that I am angry with her. I have never stood up for myself because I have been worried that she'd use that against me to justify her decision. So I've been nicey nicey to her in the hope that she'd one day think "why did I treat him so badly?" and come back to me. But I realise that's foolish.

Don't get me wrong, you don't have to be nasty to her or even tell her that you're angry with her. If fact, don't - if anything, it just shows her that she's getting to you. To her face, be civil but indifferent. Just have no time for her. Treat her not as an ex, not as a friend, but as an acquaintance. Like someone at school you don't talk to much anymore. That'll hurt most, because she's expecting you to have deep-rooted feelings for her forever.

 

Her email has really annoyed me and hurt me. OK, she was being nice but it's purely for her benefit. She doesn't really care. She doesn't feel bad. At all. She's just saying she does so she doesn't look bad.

Yup, spot on.

 

I'm not saying I was the perfect boyfriend and I know that towards the end I was a bit clingy but I had reasons. Reasons and fears that turned out to be true. She feels guilty (her own words) and she feels bad for hurting me. Well, now she can face the consequences at long last. She's not really lost anything as of yet. I've been there for her the whole time and she knows she can ring me up and get back with me whenever.

Yes mate, I know exactly what you mean. I could feel my break-up brewing a couple of months before it actually happened, and I reacted in a way which probably sped up the process. But hey, don't feel bad. It's not your fault, she was gonna pull this sh*t at some point anyway. If anything, be glad it happened as early as possible.

 

In our LC I have got the impression every so often that she's not happy. She's certainly not the same girl she used to be. I know people change, but she just seems to be so caught up in partying that she's lost the person she really is. I've tried to walk away before and she's always pulled me back in. I think she's expecting me to come back to her again. I won't crack this time.

Mate seriously, the life of bedhopping is not one that ever induces happiness, even if things may LOOK that way. This is something she might not have discovered yet, but will do soon. Also you must remember that she will be making every effort possible to keep up the appearance that she is having a great time - no-one wants to look weak in front of an ex, right? This girl has issues and she probably always will. She did not break up with you because she was unhappy with you, she did it because she was unhappy in general. And as long as she lives by this attitude, she will remain so for a long time regardless of whom she is with.

 

What often makes break-ups worse for people is that the dumper appears to be having the time of their life, living the "single life" and getting involved with lots of other people. The dumpee is often not living quite so fast. But what you must remember is that the dumper is actually not all that happy - no-one with that lifestyle ever really is. Just be patient. So what if your ex is sleeping with loads of people and you aren't? As I said in the post above, you are more likely to be happy in the long run and that is what counts.

 

I knew a girl at uni in first year who slept with a different guy pretty much every time she went out. Was she happy? No F'ing way... Remember, it's different with girls. Guys think it's fantastic if they can get laid every night to someone different. Girls pretty soon start to loathe themselves when they realise that's what they're becoming.

 

It sounds horrible but I want to hurt her somehow. I want to make her feel worthless like she's made me feel worthless. I want her to really feel awful. Not just say she does. I want her to have a sleepless night or two like I have. I want her to spend a night in crying her eyes out because she threw me away. I want to get with one of her friends. Immature it may well be but let's face it... she dumped me when she got to uni and didn't have the bottle to sit me down in person and be open and honest about it. She ignored me for two weeks and then reluctantly did it over the phone because I put her on the spot.

To be honest, the best way to get revenge is to be completely indifferent towards her and just not care. You'll probably work that out pretty soon. You don't really have to do anything drastic. When there's an opportunity to help her out, just turn away. If she moans about being unhappy, ignore her. Deny her of any aspect of yourself, including your basic attention. You might not ever get to see your revenge working, but you'll just know.

 

This might sound lame, but 4 or 5 years ago I used to watch snooker now and again on BBC 2. Ronnie O'Sullivan made some comments about Stephen Hendry, basically saying he was a crap player. They then got drawn together to play in the next round of the Championship and people were expecting things to kick off. Stephen Hendry absolutely rinsed him, and you'd think maybe he'd rub the guy's face in it at the end. But what did he do? He just shook his hand and said "good game" like he'd do in any other match, and it struck me as the most awesome response ever.

 

The best revenge is to not care. This works especially well with women because they crave drama - and you're not giving it to them.

 

My motivation now is to move on and find happiness purely to rub it in her face. I know after a while I won't think like that, but I want to prove to her that she's lost out and that I am not some pathetic guy that pines for her day in day out.

 

No more Mr Nice Guy.

People might warn you that doing stuff to rub her face in it is a bad approach, but if it helps you get over her then fair play. If you're anything like me, you will set out to behave this way but in time you'll realise that you just don't care enough anymore to actually go through with it. That's your ultimate goal; that is when you know you've won.

 

Anyway, feel free to PM me if you wanna talk, it sounds like our stories are quite similar.

 

But seriously, just stop giving her attention altogether. Whether or not there's a chance of you guys getting back together isn't relevant anymore. You shouldn't want a girl like this, and I can assure you that in a month or two you'll realise that you genuinely don't. And that's when the tables begin to turn. You've been through your pain and emerged out the other side. While she's decided she's bored of the single life and is struggling to find a decent guy who'll commit to her. Who's the happier party now? Who's the one with the power now?

[Mustang]

If she is a party animal then I would bet that sooner or later that will catch up to her and she will indeed be crying her eyes out. The type of guys she will attract at university are the ones who want notches on their bedpost...she will get very hurt like many of the "girls gone wild" before her. You are hurt and angry right now but eventually you will realize that her personality has changed and just no longer meshes with yours. One day instead of feeling anger and resentment, you will just feel pity for her because she will be a shell of the person you once knew.

 

The thing is, I know I'm making it out to be much worse than it is. I can still sense that the girl I love is still there, she's just so caught up in the uni life and I am glad that she's having fun, but I just got this sense from her when I bumped into her randomly a few weeks ago that there's still something there, she just doesn't want to let her guard down. I sometimes feel like she's kept me in the background because she does still have feelings for me but is enjoying having freedom and not having to have a boyfriend to report back to and what not. That's the positive outlook on it anyway.

 

Either way, I'm making a stand. LC contact and being a friend wasn't doing me any favours and I'm being strong and walking away. For good? Maybe. Who knows what'll happen?

 

The sad thing is that I really worry. I want her to be happy and as you said, I know what uni guys are like. She's a really hot girl and she's bound to be getting loads of attention. Sooner or later, the novelty of being single wears off and one night stands become tedious.

 

I think it doesn't help that all of her old school friends are single too. I suspect that my ex felt a bit out of place when they used to have their girly chats about uni. Maybe she just wants to experience it 100% and it's nothing personal against me. Maybe she does genuinely feel bad. I just don't know.

 

But I need to stop thinking about her. She's probably not worried about what I'm up to.

[pryda]

One day instead of feeling anger and resentment, you will just feel pity for her because she will be a shell of the person you once knew.

Yeah, this is a great line - very, very true.

 

Trust me Mustang, your future is bright.

Hers, at the moment, is less so.

[Mustang]

Thanks for the advice. It's really helpful.