I realized something important last night

[EyesOnThePrize]

As she is right now, my ex-wife doesn't deserve a relationship with me. I believe that I was (and am) far from perfect in our relationship, and I believe that it takes 2 to make a divorce, and right now I'm working hard on improving myself and becoming a better man. I think she's just repeating the same crap she did in the marriage with another guy. I think she's not taking time to reflect or grow. Yeah, she's going back to school...although she may sabotage that. She dropped both classes for this semester (for which I paid) one because of time constraints, two because moving out was more important than making the sacrifices it would take to stay for another month to finish the semester. She's moving to a new state, and also leaving all sorts of stuff behind because she's down-sizing. Good for her, great for her, for trying these things. And she's not addressing the issues. She's just putting them in another house. Why the heck would I want someone who isn't willing to grow up?

 

So, why am I posting this here and not in Healing? Because of what I've said from the beginning. Underneath all of her baggage is the most amazing, intelligent, creative, funny woman I've met in my life, and I want a new relationship with her. However the foundation of that relationship has to be "You get help for your issues, I get help for my issues, we get help for our issues, and we keep working on them every day. We put our relationship first this time, and if we do, I believe all sorts of good things will come to us."

 

She appears to me to be very upset that I'm ready for her to move and get my life back. She appears to me to be very upset that I am working on myself and ready to get her out of my heart. She appears to me to be very upset that I tell her that she's not going to be part of my life for a while. Why do all these things upset her? I think its because she still loves me, and she is already realizing what a huge part of her life she is. Yet she loves this other guy, too, and he's her present, I'm her past. It doesn't mean I'm not her future, too. But I don't have the future. All I have is the present. And in the present, she is my ex-wife, she is a woman with a boyfriend who I think is a slimeball. And the funny part is, I can already see the cracks forming in that relationship. I think she wants me there because she's afraid she made a bad choice. Well, too bad. She has to earn that back. She gave up a guy who would give up everything for her for a guy who fricking pursued her for 18 months while she was married. I think she needs to pay the price for that now. She'll know what she gave up soon enough. And she may never want it back, because she hates herself that much. And its there for her, if she's willing to do the work it will take to get me back.

 

I love my ex-wife, it kills me to see her do this to herself, and I have to let her, because I love me more.

 

End of rant.

[Litgirl01]

Wow...you really have some amazing clarity! You are REALLY growing and doing pretty well I might add! Hang in there! If things don't work about with the two of you...you will probably find someone wonderful to love while she is stuck with that loser!!!! I know you don't wish her any harm...but you can't fix her and you can't make her fix herself. So, I think you are doing the best thing! Keep posting!!! xx (((Hugs)))

[EyesOnThePrize]

I hope to god she sees slimeball for what he is soon enough. Not because it might bring her back to me (I'm not ready for that, and doubt she is, either) because in my mind she deserves better. Like I said, I already see cracks in that relationship. And, if she chooses to learn from it, I think that getting dumped hard could be really good for her.

[Timebandit]

 

So, why am I posting this here and not in Healing? Because of what I've said from the beginning. Underneath all of her baggage is the most amazing, intelligent, creative, funny woman I've met in my life, and I want a new relationship with her.

 

..........

I think she needs to pay the price for that now. She'll know what she gave up soon enough. And she may never want it back, because she hates herself that much. And its there for her, if she's willing to do the work it will take to get me back.

 

Unfortunately, you cannot live on potential alone. There has to be some commitment and action underneath the good intentions. It doesn't seems like this commitment is present in her. I don't think she is evil or anything, but she is not doing very well right now, and she has to work it out herself.

 

And you have to take care of yourself. Not to teach her a lesson, but rather for you to have a better life. You have to leave her - at least for now. It's entirely up to her, if she is willing do the work required to win you back.

[stickman]

People always move toward comfort and away from pain. Let her go.

We cant push emotionally.

 

All we can do is comfort people in times of their pain...provided they TELL us or we are smart enough to NOTICE it.....and even then...some people dont want OUR comforting and need or want to do it on their own....or with someone else they trust or now feel comfortable with. If on their own...I think they will have a longer harder period of time to work through all the issues and battle all the feelings they have. They will battle with the emotions and feelings of the heart and the logic of their thoughts. It is beyond our control.

 

I think the fear of the UNKNOWN is the worst fear we deal with. But, if we can all let go of that fear somehow we would be so much more happy.

 

Stop resisting......

[mrmaximum]

I haven't read any of your previous posts/threads so I don't know about your history, or struggles or even the duration of these events. I do commend you on getting past them however, you do have your head on straight and Litgirl is correct, you will be able to find someone who is worth your time if your ex doesn't. Your clalrity is astounding I may add, I don't know if you've been to counseling at all but it seems readily apparent that you have cut through all the crap and get to the nitty gritty of the matter. This will be indeed healthy for your in the long term and these actions are necessary for YOU to move on.

 

Just as Timebandit stated, you cannot control her, all you can do is control you. You have seen that she is unwilling to change or grow and learn from her mistakes and the sad thing is that by doing so, she will only repeat them. This also may suggest that she believes that she isn't at fault, or maybe you are the one who is wrong for not forgiving her infidelity. As I said, I don't know your story so these are just guesses judging from what you posted here.

 

I can agree with you however, that she is upset about your actions because of the finality they represent. Since you are closing the door, she may not be able to get back in and yes, one of the aspects of a good number of cheaters is the one where they fear that they made the wrond choice and then they will regret it as they have no means of rectifying this mistake. Be that as it may, move on with your life. You've pretty much done a good amount of the leg work, once you can move past any ideas of retribution, you will be done. What life does to her is out of your hands, don't worry about it and keep on, yeah?

[EyesOnThePrize]

mrmaximum - I've been going to therapy, and I've been doing a lot of reading and a huge amount of introspection since the divorce. You would not have seen posts like this from me 2 months ago. I was much more in the "I'm a total emotional wreck and will do anything to get her back" mode. Now I'm in the "Yeah, I want her back, and at some point she may well want me back, and she has to earn me back." The good news for her is that I'm worth the effort.

 

I want her out so I can more fully work on myself. She is a huge distraction to me right now. I sometimes believe I'm a prisoner in my own home. I think that with her there I am held back from becoming the man I want to be in the future.

 

And yes, there's no way I can change her. She will only grow and change if she chooses to grow and change. A relationship with a real jerk might be a great thing for her growth, if she chooses to grow as a result of it. And that's her problem, not mine.

 

I'm not talking about retribution in any sort of "divine justice" or "karma" manner. I'm talking about it in a "I sheltered her from consequences for most of our marriage" manner. Its time she experienced life without me as a backup plan and with me always catching her before she fell. A bruised butt could do her some good. Or, she may just run from guy to guy, finding ones who will treat her like I did, and never have to take responsibility for her life. For her sake, I hope she doesn't. For her sake, I hope she wakes up soon. For my sake, I'm glad that she's someone else's problem now.

[Little Blue Ant]

Kudo's EyesOnThePrize, I'm in the same boat you are in. Reading you post is how I've felt for the past several weeks now, and its an amazing feeling to be able to transition into letting go. You're right, we can't control them. So focus all you attention and energy into controlling yourself. I'm learning to love myself so much, and experience things I've never been able too in my adulthood - and its an amazing experience.

 

My ex (fiance) also started dating a guy who was trying to get with her when I proposed to her back in April of last year. Well, he was able to get the job done. Rather than learning about what went wrong with us, and taking the time to grow and experience being alone for once (she too has never been alone in her adulthood), she jumped right back into a relationship - the same way she did with me 5 years ago.

 

Its obvious that theres a pattern. A pattern that will never break until THEY realize it. For the sake of our loved ones, I hope they do. Everyone deserves to find some clarity, but its a shame not everyone does. Sometimes it takes a traumatic experience to grow. Just like a forest that burns to the ground grows back more lush than before, so are we.

 

She's probably upset at your growth because she doesn't feel like she's growing at all. My ex tells me sometimes how she still feels like she's lost, in a cloud about her feelings and emotions. Although she did say she's "in love" with this new guy, I don't think she understand what love is right now. Its exciting, its different, but she hasn't changed. And once they see that excitement go away they may smarten up and realize they need to grow. Hopefully, for their sake, they do.

 

That doesn't mean we have to be there for it. Oh no. I'm already at a stage where I don't want another relationship with her. Not now, not any time soon. That doesn't mean I'm shutting the door on any future reconciliation, but without sounding vindictive, she has to suffer at some point if she's ever going to find herself. I have, and it was both the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

So kudos to you my friend, kudos to me, kudos to all of us who have been burnt down. Our roots are still intact, and will rebuild to something more amazing. Our lives from this day forward are mysterious. Live in the now, plan for tomorrow, but let next week come to us.

 

Take care