Don't reject me!!!!!!

[Caterina]

I suffer from an extreme fear of rejection. This plays out when I see an attractive guy. I freeze. I can only be charming with people I know or don't care about. Ithink this shyness causes a circular pattern that creates more shyness. What is the cure?

[jettison]

Fear of rejection means that you're taking things personally. So, you have to learn not to. I'd check out The Master of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. This will give you some good hints on what your mindset should be when you're dealing with your potential neked-get-down-and-boogie candidate.

[DN]

Does this also happen with people with whom you are trying to strike up a platonic relationship or is is just with men that you are interested in romantically?

[Caterina]

Does this also happen with people with whom you are trying to strike up a platonic relationship or is is just with men that you are interested in romantically?

 

Only romantic interests...never with platonic interests unless they intimidate me in some way (rare).

[DN]

Only romantic interests...never with platonic interests unless they intimidate me in some way (rare).

What is that scares you about rejection. Fear of embarrassment, fear of self-esteem damage?

 

Would it help to know that most people are rejected several, if not many, times before they meet the right person for them?

[Caterina]

What is that scares you about rejection. Fear of embarrassment, fear of self-esteem damage?

 

Would it help to know that most people are rejected several, if not many, times before they meet the right person for them?

 

Yes, those are the things I fear. I've only ever experienced rejection growing up. I can't take any more. I need to feel accepted. I'm not going to willingly ask for rejection since it symbolizes my utter inadequacy even more than before to me. I feel like I'm not good enough but its also coupled by some abstract idea that maybe I'm more than good enough.

 

No, thats too rational.

[DN]

Well, being governed entirely by emotions is not wise. Emotions tell us what we want but rationality tells us if what we want is possible and how to get it if it is.

[Xetra Dax]

your actions speak of irrational and absurd fear, what is needed in life is not fear, nothing can grow from that. Cast off your fear! Look forward! Go forward! Never stand still. Retreat and you will age. Hesitate and you will die

 

Its always a win win situation, if you ask the guy out and he says no you can move on with your life, if he says yes you got a date, so why be fearfull of rejection when you only have control over your own life? Stop being a prisoner and let go of your fears, life is what you make of it, and that counts for each individual, if the guy you want says no, then its time to move on.

[Sky_Ronin]

The cure is to break out of this cycle. You claim to be charming around people you know and don't care about. Why not use the same approach with attractive guys. Just program yourself into not caring about these guys. I mean you don't know them so why should you care right? Don't think about it too much or else it'll get worse. The next time you see an attractive guy make an attempt to approach him and say "hi, hello" at least. Repetition is the key to achieving your objectives.

[Portage]

^ Shouldn't you be wishing others 'happy belated birthday?"

[Batya33]

Big caveat - I'm no therapist! - but I think there is something to be said for getting rejected as a way of seeing that it's not so bad - it's survivable, and as you continue to see that it is perhaps it gets easier. I have started to get over a very strong fear I've had for most of the past 30 years by doing certain activities that triggered the fear. The more I see that it's tolerable, the less I allow the fear to prevent me from doing those activities.

 

Obviously rejection is no fun - I can relate! - but can you perhaps look at the totality - as long as you have friends, others who respect you, you are not rejected "all the time" - perhaps it's just that the rejections are what you focus on and you brush away all the acceptance and approval?

 

good luck

[relm]

Do you know what the cause of your "extreme" fear of rejection is - for example a substantially bad experience as a youngster? Note that sometimes extreme forms of shyness or behavior can have clinical causes and may need to be treated. Perhaps worth meeting with a pyschotherapist to discuss and see if this is the case with you.

[Caterina]

I think all of you make a good point.

 

Batya, really good point. Recently I had to face rejection and it wasn't so bad. It taught me that rejection doesn't have to define my character.

 

Relm, my disposition is naturally very sensitive with a heightened perception to how others are relating to me. I can sometimes sense the way they feel about me. As a child, this was very hard b/c I was very often bullied (mostly in a psychological way, rather than physically)...that, combined with a home life where I was often criticized is probably part of my fears. I have often felt the need to "prove" myself to the world.

 

Dn, you're correct. That concept is the sort that is easy to cognitively grasp, but when you wrap your heart around it- thats when you really know it. I don't know how, but sometimes time, obsession, and experience are the best at getting you to recognize the need to regulate your emotions and act on reason as an alternative to letting your emotions get the best of you.