Dumpers, usually not depressed?

[Fox1198]

I've been the dumper once, and in that instance, I only felt guilt, but no way did it feel as bad as being a dumpee.

 

Just a survey for those of you who have been the dumper (not mutual separations), how were you feeling in your head during that time? Were you sad and wanted to get back together? Or were you ready to move on and only felt guilt, but not hopelessness (how dumpees feel)?

[SapphireNoir10]

I've been the dumper and often felt bad for hurting that person but also a sense of relief that its over. I've also been the dumper and regretted it and been back with the person i dumped. It just depends on the reasons why, the situation etc

[Fox1198]

Another question is, do you often already have a new potential mate before dumping the current bf/gf?

[SapphireNoir10]

Yep. I know that sounds cruel. But its hard to dump someone without having the security of having another potential person...If that makes sense. You dont like leaving the security of a relationship.

 

I'd never ever cheat, but often I've liked someone else and broken up with the person Im with with them in mind.

 

I know that sounds fickle and cruel. But its better to be honest and tell someone you dont want to be with them that to cheat and lie to them.

[estrella28]

I broke up with a guy in high school, so that's the only thing I have to go on really. I didn't feel very guilty because he wasn't treating me very well. It was something we could have worked out together, but I was still mourning the loss of my mom so it wasn't something I could emotionally handle. I did start to develop feelings for another guy and that's when I decided to call it off. I'm sure my most recent ex had the same experience when he dumped me. He's been spending a LOT of time on a couple of other girl's Facebook pages, going to concerts with them, etc. Weird thing is, they both have boyfriends. So I don't feel too bad. He can have his drama if that's what he wants.

[Honore]

When I was in my teens, I felt regret after dumping someone and wanted to get back together, but after my teenage years, I've been the dumper twice and I was happy to be out of a dead end relationship and mad at myself for wasting my time there.

As for having another person lined up - I didn't cheat while in the relationship, but there were other people I was interested in, and I let them know that I had broken things off.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The dumper has already made a choice that it is better to leave than to stay. They've accepted that fact, and might be looking forward to new people/opportunities, and getting into a new life that looks better to them than the life they are living with the dumpee.

 

The dumper has a choice, the dumpee does not. That brings the dumpee all kinds of feelings of powerless, despair, loss, etc. Most dumpers feel guilty about hurting the other person, but they see the breakup as an opportunity to get happier and to gain more than they lose. The dumpee just sees the loss that was foisted upon them, that they weren't ready for yet.

[ImThatGirl]

I think it depends on the situation. My ex.... I went through many phases including depression, etc. etc. But - I didn't want to end things. Just got to the point that I couldn't settle or remain in an unhealthy relationship.

[midnightrambler]

not depressed, just regrets and doubts

[juicey]

No, I was not depressed. At first, I felt bad because I didn't want to hurt my ex's feelings, but I felt a great sense of relief as I had been feeling terrible in the relationship.

 

Then, my ex started harassing me and sending me nasty emails and voicemails. I then became angry.

[Fox1198]

So I guess it's pretty universal. The dumper usually feels a sense of relief, and happier that they've ended things. To make it easier, often they'll already have something lined up before the break.

 

The dumpee, unless he/she was already ready for the end, is usually caught off-guard and ends up depressed and feeling hopeless.

[ImThatGirl]

Um - I don't think that's on target. Or I guess I should say I disagree.

[juicey]

I would disagree as well or at least in the way your phrased it.

 

The dumper does not always have someone lined up. Break ups happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the dumper is the one who was cheated on.

[orchidrose]

I disagree as well. I was the dumper, and I most definitely did not have another person waiting in the wings for when I pulled the trigger. We had broken up extremely briefly a few months prior and had been fighting more and more, and I finally just had to end it. I did feel some strange sense of relief, but for the most part, I was totally destroyed and upset and spent months chasing and pining after my ex.

 

Just because a dumper dumps you does not mean that they hate you, or don't want you anymore. I dumped my ex because I knew that the relationship was unhealthy and he was unwilling to end things. I think I probably went through even more pain and anguish than he did.

[thejigsup]

I've been both dumper and dumpee. More often a dumper. Only once, and I was very young, did I have someone else in mind. Usually I dumped them because they were not treating me right. I never contacted them again in any way, shape, or form. When I'm done, I'm done! It hurts both ways, though. Neither shoe is too comfortable to wear.

[browneyedgirl36]

I have been the dumper once, and while I didn't have any regret (I knew it was the right thing to do), I DID feel guilty for hurting him, and I felt anxious for awhile afterward because I worried about how he would handle it (i.e. if he'd be calling me constantly, cryinging, etc.) He took it badly at first, but aside from one phone call and one letter (this was in the *old* days, before e-mail), he didn't contact me for a long time, and he never begged or pleaded or anything.

 

As for having someone else lined up....nope. Honestly, when I am involved with someone, even if it's not going great, I'm not looking around at others. So, I think it's a generalization to say that the dumper always has someone lined up.

[anggrace]

In many cases, I don't think one hurts more than the other. Think of it like this, often the dumper is hurting very much during the reltionship while the other doesn't seem to care enough to do anything about it. After dumping there can be a sense of relief knowing that the pain will be gone. Then reality can set in for the other and they start to feel hurt. I think this happens quite a bit. But all the focus, in the end, is how much the dumpee is hurting, with little attention to how much pain the dumper was very likely in during the relationship.