The shadow within me

[CynicalGuitarist]

I've been really sick lately. Not necessarily the flu bug all my co-workers seem to be catching, but from my depression. I know it doesn't sound like much, but when I'm super-down, I feel like I'm going to puke my guts out. I haven't even been able to eat much at all lately. Even when I do eat, I get bad acid reflux. I've been feeling so bad, I had to call into work sick yesterday.

 

Worse, yet, I discovered how truly evil I really am. I had a nightmare last night. It wasn't your typical nightmare though. I dreamt that I tried to rape this girl I used to like. The most frightening part is, that it felt really good, almost euphoric. I know that it's terrible and I have serious problems with my psyche. I wish I could get professional help, but I work 6 days a week and with Kaiser Permanente, it's near impossible to get evening appointments. I never really liked myself, but now I fear myself and am trying to maintain control.

 

Nothing's been going well. As much as I fight to give up on love and remain positive, my desires tear my world apart like an earthquake a house of cards. I've fallen for yet another girl I probably have not an insects chance in hell with. I can't even look into her eyes or talk to her without stuttering. I'm trying my hardest to give it up because I know I'm not good enough; I'm shorter than her, I'm ugly, I'm boring, smelly, annoying, un-talented, and stupid, to say at the least. I try convincing myself that there are at least 2 billion guys out there that are better than my anyways, and she'll find one of them (if she hasn't already) I even try to convince myself that "a twinkle in her eye is just a twinkle in her eye" (thanks, Pharcyde) and remind myself that being a professional musicians and my subconscious desire to not give up on women do not compliment eachother well, but nothing works. Not even over-working myself and talking to my friends about all this helps.

 

Oh well, at least it's better to let it all out rather than bottle it up only to break down in public. That, and singing/music (my future career) are saving me from offing myself now.

 

Yes, yes, I know "It's all in your brain! All you have to do is lower your standards for women and you'll magically feel better!" I wish it were that simple. I've said it before and I'll say it again; the only time I'll ever be impressed with psychological breakthroughs is if they find a way to kill off desires instead of finding ways to mask them.

 

Maybe I'm going about this all wrong; maybe I need to find the first woman that ain't a man (thanks, Porcupine Tree), have a kid with her, try to stave off as much responsibility as possible, prove to the ladies that I'm not a virgin, and let the one of my true desires be a mom without having to go through what the baby's mother did, while trying to cut all ties with this "baby mama" so that I can pursue a more meaningful relationship. Just like a new friend told me "ya gotta do the ugly ones first, dude"... so lying to a woman MUST be ok as long as I get some action, huh?

 

But my sense of morality, ethics, and empathy are what's keeping me from pulling it off.

 

Dammit!

 

Whatever. Even my rants are stupid and incoherant.

 

I know none of this is healthy. Don't worry, I'm looking into contacting my therapist again when I have time.

[renaissancewoman101]

You are not evil.

 

Just someone who is confused. Like most of us on here. Unable to determine which path to take in life.

 

With time, things will be more clear.

 

And I agree love is painful but yet so desireable.

 

Good lucks to you.

[PocoDiablo]

A few things:

 

1. Acid refulx - have you tried Zantac? Works great for me.

 

2. Depression - please see a specialist and try some meds. I used to be totally against them, and then my wife started taking them for her depression and she's 1000x better. You may simply have a similar chemical imbalance. That does not mean you're evil, it's just like having low blood pressure or bad eyesight - no one is perfect, and technology can often help us balance things out. Please note that it took my wife TWO YEARS to get on the right meds and dosages, so be patient.

 

3. Your attitude about women is, sorry to say, simply due to the fact that you don't know how to behave around women, how to pick up women, and your lack of confidence seals that deal. The good news is that almost NO men have any skills with women, which is why women initiate divorce way more often than men do. Believe it or not, a huge majority of guys are really pathetic with women. You sound like a clean slate. All you have to do is find resources on dating, start practicing by asking women out, and learn from your mistakes (which is the most valuable thing you can do.)

 

Learning to ask women out is a SKILL not a trait. I should know, it took me well into my 30's before I knew anything about women. And even today there is a lot to learn. But that's my point - it is something you can learn.

 

As far as your physical traits you list so un-lovingly?

 

I'm shorter than her, I'm ugly, I'm boring, smelly, annoying, un-talented, and stupid,

Shorter means nothing. Plenty of women date men who are shorter than they are. On the flip side, you may want to find a woman shorter than you are.

 

Ugly? Wait, you mean that everyone on this forum is a supermodel? Looks often have little to do with attraction. It's your PERSONALITY that is either attractive or ugly. If you saw me, you'd realize that I'm not exactly a supermodel myself, but when I talk to women ... wonderful things happen.

 

Boring? That's easy - tease her, ask her questions, and make fun. This just takes practice.

 

Smelly? Shower, anti-persperant, cologne (might I recommend "Chic" and "Marc Jacobs" - I've done lots of tests with women and get great results.) Brush your teeth (if you have chronic bad breath like I do!) and then floss, Listerine/Hydrogen peroxide switch off, and scrape your tongue - twice a day works for me.

 

Annoying? Oh man, being annoying is a TRAIT! Annoying is FUN! Believe me, I am a giant pain in the you-know-where and it works wonders. And no, stalking isn't cool.

 

Un-talented? You play in a band? You want to see untalented, you hand me any instrument. Remember, we are all good at something, maybe a few things, but no one is good at everything. And if they are, meh, who cares?

 

Stupid? Quite frankly, from the way you write, it's clear you're educated and think clearly. Far better than a lot of folks I run into around here.

 

I'm going to suggest some resources for you:

 

link removed - he has some great videos on youtube that show you how to do things.

 

link removed - if you're THIS upset about women, check out his (overly-hyped) book (which you can sometimes buy used on eBay, although few people sell their copies once they get it... can you guess why?)

 

link removed

 

Finally, you would do well to hang out with other men you know who are GOOD WITH WOMEN. Ask them for tips. Watch what they do. Pick stuff that you think that would work for you. Then get out there and try it. When something goes wrong, MAKE A NOTE OF WHAT HAPPENED and LEARN from it. That's the most important thing you can do - try, make mistakes, and learn.

 

Learning women is like learning to play the guitar - anyone can do it IF they invest the time. And you can't do it alone. You have to take lessons, buy music, read books, and practice all the time. You follow the same path when learning to be social. If you invest half the time you do practicing music, you'll likely make tons of progress very quickly.