How to 'dump' a friend.

[timjd]

This is probably going to sound horrible and unfeeling, but I have decided that I no longer want anything to do with this particular person. She is female, and I have known her for 4 years. We had a very brief 'thing' in 2004, although I never fancied her, I was just a bit desperate.

 

Anyway, I/We knocked that on the head when it started getting a bit heavy, but have remained close since then. Recently though, I have been getting irritated everytime I get a text from her, or she suggests we doing something. I feel nothing but boredom whenever we are together, and I don't want to keep up a charade of being friends. So for the last week I haven't been replying to texts or calls. I don't know how to bring an end to this.

[MorbidMetalHead87]

Why is she irritateing you exsactily though?? I mean you can start off by mentioning what she acctaully dose to anoy you... maybe she can stop whatever it is she dose. And it wont be a probblem???

[Siriana]

Hm...I doubted that it could sound horrible and unfeeling, but it really does lol

 

Not answering messages out of the blue after having a "thing" and after selfishly staying close for 4 years is too much.

I don't know, the right time to distance would be after you stopped having a thing.

 

Now, whatever you do is cruel so you can do whatever you want.

I don't have any smart ideas how to make this in a polite way.

Not replaying to text or calls is really ugly - you could have answered and politely reject to meet.

I don't get you.

[Honore]

I don't think it's horrible and unfeeling at all. Friendships/Relationships change, wither, go the way of all flesh, etc.

Maybe you can think of what you'd like to hear if you were in her shoes.

Would you prefer to hear the truth? Or a plausible but transparent excuse? Or nothing?

Only once have I told a "friend" the raw truth. Other than that, I've opted for saying nothing or using a plausible excuse because I didn't see the point in doing anything else.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It would help if you explained in another post why you didn't want to have anything more to do with her. Does she want a deeper relationship? Why do you feel bored when you are with her? Do you find that your interests have changed and you two no longer have compatible interests and things to talk about that could sustain a friendship? Has she done anything that hurt you and you have not addressed it with her? To just cut someone off like that and not respond to them is indeed rude and hurtful. If you two have just drifted apart then there are ways of slowly drifting further apart so that over time the friendship naturally fizzles....in other words, respond when she contacts you but don't initiate contact...and say you are busy when she asks to get together. Keep conversations with her very cordial and friendly, but keep them fairly short. Over time things will just naturally fade.

[timjd]

There is no one reason for this, other than I am pretty laid back and have decided to take more control of my life of late.

We are def different people- she is quite clingy, while I am dispassionate about a lot of things. I am used to rejection myself- I have been dumped, and fired from jobs before. So I just deal with it I guess.

I'm just not sure if I should tell it face to face or just kill it dead.

[agent1607307371]

Just don't call her back, that's the easy way even if it will take longer.

 

If you have a confrontation with her about it, you run a risk of being the bad guy.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is a very hard situation, because in theory friends shouldn't have to dump each other because there is no 'relationship' that precludes being friends. But i think what has happened is you are in a 'pseudo' relationship, where she is still demanding a lot of intimacy and time you don't want to give. It may be she is still crushing on you and hopes you might get together again as a couple.

 

Anyway, there is no easy way to reject someone, because sooner or later the break has to occur. But since she is a friend and not a girlfriend, you can handle it by spacing your contact. If she texts you, don't answer. If she emails you, don't answer for a day. Next contact, don't answer for two days, Next, 3 days. Keep extending the days you don't answer, and you may be able to wean her off you.

 

As a distancing techique, don't take her calls either, only answer the emails. When you do answer, just keep it light, and don't respond to any neurotic statements on her part. She may eventually get the point if you are only answering her emails after a couple weeks or a month. Eventually don't answer them at all.

 

If she asks to see you, say you have plans.

 

You can just talk to her and tell her you are not interested in friendship, but there is no nice way to tell someone the reason is 'boredom'...

 

One other thing you could do is tell her you have a girlfriend now who doesn't want you to keep contact with any of your exes that you had even a brief relationship with, so you need to stop seeing one another as it is putting stress on your relationship... this is kind of cowardly, but what can she say then, and perhaps a lot kinder than telling her she is boring you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you told her, what would you say? I don't think telling her is the way to go...that would be very hurtful. I also don't think not calling her back is very nice. You don't just end a 4 year friendship but walking off the face of the earth...that is just cruel. Like I said, you can ease out of a friendship so that the person slowly gets the message.

I am not quite sure what you mean by taking more control over your life...sure, you can take more control over your life...but that doesn't mean you have to be cruel to others who haven't done you any harm. You say she is needy...is she really needy or is it really that you just want out of the friendship. You may be used to rejection, but I can't believe the rejection didn't sting and hurt for a while. Lots of people get rejected in their life...there are two ways they can go 1) understand what it feels like and thereforeeee have and practice compassion towards others 2) Feel like since they have gone through this then they don't have to be cognizant of other people's feelings because they too will get over it...that attitude comes from a deep-rooted, subconscious bitterness from their own experiences.

[fragmint]

answer her calls and txts but reject her ideas to go out. just say you dont feel like it. if after awhile her txts and calls do not die down, start saying you cant go out cause youre meeting other friends. that should give her the point. this is pretty much how a lot of friendships end anyways - people meeting new people to hang with.

[Zeitgeist]

Ignoring someone without any explanation sucks. If you absolutely must break it off, just tell her you need some time and space because you're going through something (which it sounds like you are). It at least gives her SOMETHING rather than just cutting her off without any communication, which I think is cruel and since you've known each other for 4 years, she deserves better than that, no matter how bored you may feel around her. This should at least give you some breathing room. Given your history with her, I suspect you will start to miss her after a little while. Perhaps by then, she will be less clingy and you may actually enjoy her company a little. People *do* change. Also, keep in mind that the boredom you feel *might* have more to do with your state of mind than with her.

[Siriana]

Ignoring someone without any explanation sucks. If you absolutely must break it off, just tell her you need some time and space because you're going through something (which it sounds like you are).

 

That a great idea!

[savannahohsavannah]

I agree with agent on this one. Or you could use the passive aggressive approach and say you will call her back cause you are in the shower, immediately, when you answer the phone. Do it every time she calls. She'll get it fast.

 

Don't respond to her texts either. I think it's easier to do it this way in some circumstances than have to deal with questions about why and what happened. Especially since you say you don't know!

 

Savannah