He loves us both equally - Update (really really long vent)

[stubbs35]

Well this is a very long story (sorry sorry) I tried to shorten it, but it's just so complicated and confusing.

 

I posted a couple months ago (had to change my account name) about my ex who I had been with 5 years, how we both wanted to reconcile but his rebound moved in instead. We continued talking in secret, I miss yous, I love yous, I still want to be with you but I can't send her home, type thing, he still had my picture up as his phone wallpaper. (She was from another country, so am I.) Eventually we decided we would try to pursue a poly relationship or so I thought. We were a BDSM couple, and what this turned into was me being his online sub in secret, until she found out and everything blew up.

 

She got my MSN and told me what he had told her about our relationship, 1) He told her we broke up 1 full year before we actually did. 2) He lied about my age. 3) He lied about how long we had been together. He also had told her I was the one contacting him and I was, but he was also phoning me, topping me online, telling me how much he loved me and missed me and emailing me in secret, and he had been doing so the entirety of their relationship having been willing to dump her for me up until about 1 week before she arrived there. I forwarded her the chatlogs and emails, of course she believed none of it and in 1 day went from "I'm leaving" to being engaged to him, and getting a tattoo of the date they started to pursue a serious relationship. Which is ironically the day after the "deadline" he gave me to come back to him. She also told me they had been dating online since July 7th 2007, but later took that back when I tried to point out to her that she was an affair in our relationship - not the other way around.

 

Well after all of this came out he dropped contact with me, he gave her his email passwords and stuff so she could check to make sure we weren't in contact - that lasted a month. His mom phoned me asking me to come visit, then I emailed him at work, and we started exchanging emails again. He was saying how he missed our "friendship" and how I seemed so much more "mature" blah blah. Well he told her about that about 3 weeks after it started by sending her a snippet of 1 email and telling her it was the first one and he hadn't replied. She messaged me to upset me and scare me off - that failed. Then she went on to delete his old profiles and stuff (which still cited me as his gf - he wouldn't delete them.) She has told him she doesn't want him talking to me, he says he won't stop and basically that in whatever capacity I have to be a part of his life/always will be.

 

What I don't get though is why are these people doing this? The realtionship seems soooo toxic and totally doomed. This girl is insane to boot - recovering drug addict, left small children at home in England with an ex who drugged her with speed? Thinks she will be able to "kick" this third person out of the relationship at her own discretion...? She blames me and says she can't trust me despite my being the person who told her the truth in this?

 

Maybe I just don't understand the desperation of these people, he's ditched all his friends to the point that she is the only person he sees, both have been in failed longterm relationships and are 11 years older than me. He himself has admitted he really just doesn't want to be alone, and that he "couldn't do this to her" that is sending her home, that she told him she had never been happy before him and blah blah whatever. Furthermore, why do I still give a crap? He was my first love and we were together 5 years, but really all of this stuff is pretty dreadful shouldn't it be enough to make me hate him? I mean no matter what he says looks like he's picking her - why would I want to be with someone who is settling like that, right? I guess this post really has no point, more of just a vent/update to the story.

[CatsMeeoow]

He's treating you like garbage and frankly you are letting him.

 

Why would you want all that drama?

 

If I started getting contacted by a gf or exgf and he couldn't resolve the issue it's bye bye to the both of them.

 

The message you are sending him is that this is all you deserve. I truly think you want and deserve more so act like it. Stop accepting this kind of behavior.

 

A huge hug to you because I can tell you are so emotionally involved and wrecked you can't see the huge red flashing lights. I know you are hurting but take a step back and look at this situation... not what he's telling you... the situation!

 

Cats

[RayKay]

Their desperation...what about yours at this point? I am not saying this to be cruel....but this man is CLEARLY lying to you both and showing you both what you can expect and you are still hanging on to him?

 

I don't deny the fact that it would hurt to move on, that you have a history with him and it is hard to forget that. But sometimes we have to take actions that hurt knowing in the long run it is going to hurt less than not taking action.

 

Why do you keep trying to hurt yourself by settling for less and less?

 

I suggest you DO cut contact with him (since he is not doing it with you) and you DO move on away from this toxicity. She may be a mess (well, I am not sure according to who - did he tell you this or do you know her?), but he apparently is enamoured enough with that to continue to be with her (don't buy that guilt thing....that's crap!) and to be engaged.

 

Bleh, I would leave this ENTIRE mess behind me and move on...there is better in the future.

[LilBear]

He's a player and a liar. Who wants to be around a guy like that? And he also seems dependent, since he admitted he doesn't want to be alone. Seriously, if he wanted to be with you, he would have been, not this I love you I miss you nonsense while he's still with her. This is all so lame. Don't let him sweet talk you with anymore I love yous and I miss yous when he's physically and emotionally not available. He's clearly not worth any of your time right now.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Honey, he doesn't love you both equally, he loves HIMSELF. He's got two women catering to his needs, fighting over him etc.

 

But he HAS made the choice to keep living with this woman, and hoping to convince you to stay part of this little triangle with him in the center soaking up all the attention, because you have done so in the past.

 

There is NOTHING in this for you... are you enjoying being second fiddle? this just is in no way healthy for you, and you need to cut off contact with him and go find someone who isn't so selfish and willing to jerk two women around.

[LilBear]

I agree with BeStrongBeHappy. Cut off all contact with him. Don't answer his calls and reply to his emails. This is tough but as long as you keep in contact with him you'll only allow him to feed you more crumbs, and not get the whole cake. And you'll always be Plan B to him. Believe me, this is based from my own experience.

 

Let him go, cut off all contact and find someone whom with you'll always be Plan A

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't know what else I could possibly add that wasn't already said very well by Cats, RayKay, LilBear and BeStrong. This story made me shudder...actually makes me feel like going to take a shower...this man is dirty, ugly, slimy and you deserve so much better than that.

[stubbs35]

Thank you for all of the replies. I can't believe anyone actually read such a long post!!

 

I realize he doesn't love either of us, I just kept the title of the old thread for people who had read the previous. At this point I think he is really a very emotionally confused individual...really. Still though, I miss the old him, I remember a very different guy from those years we were together it still bothers me to see him turn out like this, even if I realize there really isn't any way that guy is coming back. He has done this before as well, rushed a marriage - wasted 8 years of his life, I guess since I still care about him somehow it bothers me a lot to see him do it again. I kind of get a sick feeling when I think I might be winning him back, like crap now I will have to go through with it and go back to him. Maybe I just want to win or something.

 

RE: the nutty girl, I don't know her well, I've talked to her a few times the things I mentioned about her she told me herself...maybe she was trying to play the victim with me, I don't know but she is plain nuts.

[1HelluvaGirl]

I think you are definitely the victim here, but you can gain power back by not contacting him and refusing to play the games. She is also a sort of victim too. He sounds really manipulative and dishonest -- this type of behavior can sometimes bring out the worst in people. I am not defending her actions here because she clearly should not have been involved with him while you and him were together, but he seems to have pulled a fast one on both of you.

 

You can win by getting out of this sick game he is playing and letting him ruin this new relationship himself (which I am SURE he will do).

[rokston]

Re-read the advice given here every time you have an urge to contact him!! There is a unanimous voice telling you to walk away from this and put it in the past.

 

He does not love either of you and he's using both of you. I cannot possible imagine what you would like to win back from him? The only thing on offer appears to be lies, cheating and manipulation. Getting that back seems like losing to me.

 

Good luck to ya!