Ouch! Emotions still very raw... (venting)

[browneyedgirl36]

Whew. Where do I start?

 

I was doing OK today. I woke up this morning feeling OK, dealing with everything. Went grocery shopping, went to the gym, had a good workout, came home, cooked a nice (early) dinner, hunkered down on the couch with papers to grade, and then...made the mistake of calling my mom. My mom and I are really close, but...gosh, sometimes, talking to her makes me feel worse. It's maybe about one out of every 10 phone calls that this happens, but this one...ouch. I got off the phone and just sobbed. I had to stop myself, though, because my nose got so stuffed up I couldn't breathe.

 

She started by asking me if I'd heard from the ex. I did NOT tell her I had lunch with him last week, as she would've crapped a brick or something. She started lecturing me about him, and I told her I was clear on everything, no need to reiterate it. I had not planned to talk about him at ALL, and I was not going to bring him up, so that really irritated me. So, I changed the subject to the party I went to last night and the guy I mentioned in one of my other threads, and she started going on and on, "You know, if he's not asking you out, he's probably not interested. Don't get your hopes up. You know he flirts, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything." Then, she launches into this 5 minute dissertation on some reality show she watches and how this guy went on a date that HE thought went really well, but the woman's perception of the date was entirely different, blah, blah, blah, and then ties it to my situation, telling me that I could perceive that this guy is interested when he really isn't, and to not get my hopes up. ARRRRRRGH. I told her I KNOW, that I GET it. She tells me, "Well, I just feel like I have to keep saying some stuff to you, because sometimes I think you DON'T get it. I'll try to remember to apologize in advance before I say it." So, the conversation went downhill after that. I started crying about the ex, about not having anyone else, about the fact that he DOES have someone else, and I want someone else and don't feel like I have any hope of finding anyone. The call ended rather awkwardly, and I commenced sobbing.

 

I was feeling OK this morning. What the hell happened? Maybe it was because I had fun last night, laughed a lot, flirted with a nice guy, and was deluding myself into thinking that, even if things didn't work out with him, there MIGHT be someone else out there for me. For a few hours yesterday, my ex WAS NOT ON MY MIND AT ALL. The conversation with my mom just opened up all these wounds and made everything raw again, making me question whether I will ever find anyone special or whether I'll be alone forever. Everytime I START to get to that point where I'm optimistic, something happens to knock me back.

 

I know that I am too hung up on the idea of being in a relationship. The thing is, because of various self-esteem/self-image issues I've had over the years, I didn't put myself out there, and as a result I've had very few relationships. I have just started in the last few years to be really open and make myself available, and I keep getting disappointed. The thought that it may keep happening makes me really sad.

 

I don't really have a question -- I'm mainly just venting, but feel free to respond. I know that I am just going to feel this way for awhile. I know that finding someone isn't going to make me whole, solve my problems, or make me happy. I'm just overwhelmed at times with sadness and a feeling of longing for something that I fear I'll never have. I had such a great time at that party last night -- people were so nice, I felt so confident, I felt like I was getting *me* back again -- even just a little -- and now I feel horrible all over again.

 

I need a big dose of perspective. I just don't know where to get it.

[zamboa]

Wow....it must be a mom thing! My mom and I are very close as well...but, she is very blunt with me and tells me exactly what she thinks. She likes my husband, but thinks he is just not the one for me. We are split up...but, have been living together for the last 8 months. She gets on me when I get emotional and ask my husband for another chance. She tells me its over...it has been... I know she speaks the truth, but sometimes hearing it just really sucks.

Take some time to like you...and get to know you. I too have always felt the need to be in a relationship. But I am now trying to like me, and spend time with me. I know it sounds weird but, I have never really done that.

Take care and hang in there...I know what you are going through.

[Lana0120]

I think your mother cares about you and feels she is trying to make you feel sense. Unfortunately, sometimes the comments are not really all that helpful. I think she's probably telling you not to get your hopes up too much, and not place too much weight on one encounter, but it just makes you feel like you're worthless. So on the one hand, your mom was right and wrong at the same time. Right, to tell you not to get your hopes up, but wrong to hammer the point home to that extent. You got the point.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response. You're right, I need to just be OK with being on my own -- getting to know me and being happy with me. The thing is, I've been single most of my adult life, and I've tried not to let it get me down, but...gosh, it's hard sometimes. The situation with my ex going back to his ex just compounds all the bad feelings.

 

I see what you mean about moms, too. Mine is extremely blunt, and while she is telling the truth a lot of times, she's not very tactful about it, and sometimes I end up feeling ten times worse. I don't want her to lie or sugarcoat things...I guess I want her to be a bit more sensitive. Maybe she's just sick of hearing me over and over, and now she's just shooting from the hip and telling it exactly like she sees it, without thinking about softening the blow.

 

It must be so hard to live with someone you are split from. I couldn't do it. I think it would kill me. I have to work with my ex, a few times a week, and that is hard enough. Hang in there; I hope you will be able to resolve everything, even if you two can't reconcile.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think your mother cares about you and feels she is trying to make you feel sense. Unfortunately, sometimes the comments are not really all that helpful. I think she's probably telling you not to get your hopes up too much, and not place too much weight on one encounter, but it just makes you feel like you're worthless. So on the one hand, your mom was right and wrong at the same time. Right, to tell you not to get your hopes up, but wrong to hammer the point home to that extent. You got the point.

 

Yep. You're exactly right. She feels she is helping. And, as I said in another post, I don't want her to lie and sugarcoat things...I guess I just want her to be a little more sensitive. Today, she said a bunch of stuff like, "Well, that's life. That's just how it is," and I just felt like she was really flippant and dismissive of how I was feeling. Then, she said to me, "Well, I've been in your situation, I've liked guys who didn't like me back, or who liked me at first but then decided they liked someone else better." Yeah, she did, 40-something years ago before she met my dad and married him, when she was a lot younger (in her teens) and still had a lot of time to find someone. I am 37, and the older I get, the more these disappointments get me down. When I was 19 or 20, I felt like I would find someone else, that someday I'd get married and have a family. Now...the family part is getting pretty close to being out of the question, and I'm hard pressed to see the marriage part happening either. Right now, I know I'm just on a negative trip, and I hope I can get off of it and become optimistic again.

[renaissancewoman101]

Stuff like this makes me realize although I love being alone and on my own, how I also HATE it, because it is so lonely and so bereft of support.

[browneyedgirl36]

Stuff like this makes me realize although I love being alone and on my own, how I also HATE it, because it is so lonely and so bereft of support.

 

Yep. This is how I'm feeling. I some really good, close friends, but...it just isn't the same. When I found out my cat was sick, for example, my female friends were nice about it, but...I just wanted to be hugged and held by someone a lot bigger and stronger than me. Silly, I know, but that's how I felt. I enjoy my freedom and independence, but...I feel like there's no balance -- I'm TOO independent.

[Clabs]

Hey browneyedgirl

 

I think a lot of these thoughts and emotions that are rushing about your head are only natural. I have read about lots of people who have dated again or who have been chatted up and have been tempoarily set back - because they are, quite simply, not ready because your subconscience probably still compares them to the ex.

 

I can understand what you say about your mum, but I am sure she has your best interests at heart. I think it is perhaps a combination of her trying to harden you up a little bit and you being a bit over-sensitive about what she says - that is only normal given where you are emotionally.

 

Try to not worry too much about finding someone else - I know it is easy to say and hard to do - lol. All I'd say is that I went out with a wonderful girl a few years ago - we got on so well but she was desperate to start a family and whilst I wasn't against the idea, I wanted to be together a bit longer to make sure we could make a go of things, before embarking on such a huge commitment (I already have 2 children from my long marriage). I am sure that the pressure of this made me see her in a different light - to question whether she would always be a pushy person in the relationship, and I am sure that that in turn had an effect on how she saw me. The pressure of this finally made us implode. So - do try to relax a little - don't pressurize yourself.

 

You sound like a super, kind and loving lady and there is someone out there for you. Give it some time and you will become positive again.

 

Mark

[lady00]

Hey Browneyedgirl,

 

((Hugs))! I am really sorry you're going through this. I think sometimes people who love us try to help but don't realize that we are too vulnerable at that particular moment for the kind of help they are offering. I think when someone is still sad or feeling like they will be alone and someone says "snap out of it and stop being like that" it really doesn't help. Especially when people tell me I have so much going for me that guys should be falling over themselves to date me...well, that's not happening!! I had almost the exact same thing happen to me yesterday but it wasn't my mom, it was a friend. But I also had a friend who was really sweet and understanding suggest that there was nothing wrong with me but I might need therapy and that therapy helped her and several of her friends. When I read what you write...I think...oh my gosh...this is so much like me. One day I can be so full of optimism and feel like I am on the verge of meeting someone great then the next day I can feel the complete opposite...like I'll be alone forever, and the one guy I could have been happy with, I lost a while ago.

 

All I can say is there is always tomorrow...I often feel better the next day. But I think if you feel there is an underlying issue, maybe talk to someone about it. I am trying to work up the courage to maybe see someone (a therapist), which is confusing me because I am also thinking about dating...so I am wondering if I should just put that all on hold until I feel better...then I think will I ever feel 100% better?

 

I think I know a bit what you're going through and I just wanted to say you will be OK. All we can do is hope there is someone out there for us...the alternative, to have no hope, is just to painful for that to be our constant state of mind. Good luck with everything!!

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, Mark. I feel better today. I hate the whole mood-swing thing. One day I'm fine, and the next I feel like crap! Weird.

 

Anyway...your example was very helpful; you're right, I don't have any reason to pressure myself, and all I'm doing when I pressure myself to find someone is make myself miserable with the idea that something huge is "missing" from my life and that I'll never be OK until I have it. Very unhealthy thinking, for sure.

 

I know I need to work toward thinking more positively about things in general, focusing on the good things that happen to me everyday, which FAR outnumber the bad.

 

Again, thanks so much for your kind words! You have helped me tremendously yet again!

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, lady00! I'm glad that there are people who understand the whole mood swing issue. It truly is a rollercoaster of emotions from day to day!

 

I too am considering therapy (again). I went to a therapist last year for a few months, and while she was nice, and I felt like she was helpful in SOME respects, her approach to therapy really didn't work for me overall. I will most likely seek out a different therapist (hopefully one recommended by a friend of mine), and see how it goes.

 

Today was a better day. It's funny how it goes up and down in these times.

I hope you are hanging in there too! Thanks for your helpful response.