Been a Month back "together" now having some issues...

[Litgirl01]

You can't make people change or FIX people...they have to want to change themselves. Sometimes you can be in a relationship with someone who is not yet at your level...they haven't had the life experiences or they haven't learned certain lessons that you have already learned. It almost like they have to learn from their own experiences. Attempts to fix people usually brings about resentment. I put it in the hands of my higher power...that's how I deal with these types of things!! ;-)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You can't make people change or FIX people...they have to want to change themselves. Sometimes you can be in a relationship with someone who is not yet at your level...they haven't had the life experiences or they haven't learned certain lessons that you have already learned. It almost like they have to learn from their own experiences. Attempts to fix people usually brings about resentment. I put it in the hands of my higher power...that's how I deal with these types of things!! ;-)

 

 

I agree. It is tough enough just dealing with your own issues without taking on the responsibility of fixing others.

[Addicus]

That butterfly feeling in your stomach always goes away when the honey moon persiod is over...it's how people relate after that time...if there is a connection, and a love then you shouldn't have those feelings..you should be able to look at your partner and just smile

[theredrocket]

It sounds like you need to induce passion into the relationship and stir her more basic feelings.

 

I would suggest start by pulling away some by finding things to do,get a new interest or hobby. Decrease the amount of time you are spending together and instead focus on quality. Be fun and happy.

 

Also work on being the leader of relationship, be confident, and captivating. Tell yourself during the day that you are these things. To be a leader, call her and ask her to do specific things.

 

Or simply tell her that when she figures out what she wants to give you a call but that you won't be waiting around.

[Hosvius]

seems theres not much advice/help i can offer you. i hope everything goes well

 

GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND

[EyesOnThePrize]

While I have not finished this link removed, what I have read has fascinated me about how relationships evolve over time. You might find some interesting things in it, too.

[bummedout4]

Thanks for everyones input and advice. Tomorrow she has another therapy session and I guess she is going to discuss this and we are going to meet after and just talk face to face about what we feel, want and where we go from here. I don't know how its going to go but I just want to make her see what's important and what isn't. I want her to just realize things won't be perfect but just because she doesn't feel a certain way now, we shouldn't throw all our history and all the good things we bring to each other away. I want to be able to say that things will get better if we want to work on it and give it our effort.

I don't know what will happen, if things will get closer to bring resolved or just get more confusing. Any suggestions on what I should say to her about the future and being afraid of making the wrong decision? She if confused and scared of hurting me again, but either way I will be hurt. Really the way I see it is that there is nowhere to go but up, we are pretty much at the bottom. Well wish me luck, I hope we can figure a way to move forward and give us another shot. I'm trying to prepare for the worst but as in anything I am thinking positive and that things will work out.

[bummedout4]

We are meeting up tonight to talk. First time I seen her in almost 4 weeks. I am anxious, nervous and scared of what will come of it. Any advice on what to say and what not to say? Thanks

[Litgirl01]

Don't push! Just be the new, more happy YOU!!! If she doesn't love that ....then who needs her!! xx

[EyesOnThePrize]

We are meeting up tonight to talk. First time I seen her in almost 4 weeks. I am anxious, nervous and scared of what will come of it. Any advice on what to say and what not to say? Thanks

 

I would say that you want to appear confident and not arrogant. Your instinct may be to fall at her feet and worship her, and I think that will only keep the power with her. I think it would be good to show that you are changing in a positive way, and that you are not a needy/clingy person. As for what to say, I wouldn't do anything that would look like pushing her. IMO, one of the best ways I've heard it described is that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat out of your hand. I think it might benefit you to be gentle, and not pushy, and to be prepared for skittishness. I think it might benefit you to be ready to pull back at a moment's notice.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Man, I wish my ex would see a therapist...I think they would have a very similar conversation. In terms of her not seeing you in the 'boyfriend' mode (I didn't quote that part), I think that long-term love isn't about boyfriend/girlfriend, its about being happy with the person and feeling safe around them. I think romantic love always wears off.

[bummedout4]

I just wish there was a way for me to make her understand and see that just BC her feelings in the romantic way aren't as strong as before, that we still have so much more and with that, we can work on spicing things up and growing together. Its frustrating to not be able to do anything about it.

 

Thanks for your posts!

[EyesOnThePrize]

bummedout - She might get some value out of link removed (which has many sections). It talks about how relationships change from romantic to other types, and how important adapting to these changes is to long-term success.

[bummedout4]

thanks everyone for their input. Well we met up talked and talked and just got everything out for now. There is no lack of love and caring on either end but there is difference of feelings. She feels that she isnt in the position to be in a relationship now, she is starting a new job that will take a lot of time and she wants to concentrate on that. She also just emotionally isn't ready for anything serious, its been a tough last couple of months for both of us. There is still something holding her back and she feels like something is just missing in the attraction or feelings for me. She loves me and hates to see me hurt. She is also having self esteem issues, believes she doesnt deserve to be happy and that i deserve better. She needs time to get her life back on track and re-evaluate her feelings, her desires for the future.

 

So I guess we are going to keep in touch, talk and maybe even hang out from time to time but probably not see each other that much. I know i should probably just go NC and make her really feel how it is w/out me in her life but I did that for almost 4 months last year and it was hard and i really dont want to do it aggain. I guess i am coming to realize for now we are just going to be good friends and let fate lead us down whatever path we come accross. We may end up together in time and we may not, i gues i have to go out and live my life, keep her somewhat close but not wait around for her. It's hard to want something and have it so close and then watch it slip away but hopefully in the end it will all work out. Well that's all i got for now, thanks to everyone for their input and advice.

[dreamguy]

While I have not finished this link removed, what I have read has fascinated me about how relationships evolve over time. You might find some interesting things in it, too.

 

Nice article, particularly the one found link removed

 

It says

Secondly, we found that when people are put together with “their perfect match,” they are, almost always, not interested. Very few “perfect matches” will produce that spark that people are seeking. Generally, you won’t fall in love with the person a dating service selects for you. The conclusion was that whatever makes for a perfect match, it is not compatibility.

[bummedout4]

My main question and what I have been thinking about is how do I move forward? Do I stay in touch and talk to her In a friendly way? I don't want to lose her at all but realize right now this is all she can give me. Do I just go with it and try to live my life but still have her in my life? Its a tough situation, I don't know what will happen in the future but I know I don't want to lose her. I guess what is yet to be seen is if I can separate the feelings I want to express to her and be her friend. I still find myself wanting to talk to her so should I force myself to feel differently?

 

I know she may never miss me or realize she wants me more than a friend if I am always there for her so its a fine line to walk. I don't plan on being there as much as I was and be calling her much if at all. She has done most of the contacting lately anyways. I guess as time goes on, we will see how it goes and what I feel and what she feels. I know patience is a virtue, I just don't have much of it.

[bummedout4]

anyone have opinions? I like when she calls me, makes me feel like at least she is thinking of me but then i also feel somewhat sad because i know its not going to be anything more for a while, if not ever.

[pumpkinmoon]

This sounds so much like me. Was with my first ex for almost 7 years. Met my current ex 2 weeks before I broke up with him. Founds out first ex had been cheating for the whole last year of our relationship. Current ex broke up with his Gf and then started pursuing me. I really liked him too but wasn't ready. But because I liked him I went with it.

 

All along I missed my first ex. I never had time to greive the relationship because of current ex and all my emotions over the break-up were clouded due to all the attention current ex was paying me. it worked the other way too. I couldn't enjoy myself fully and realise how great he was because of all the feelings for my ex. I would contacntly compare them. I would get upset quite often thinking about ex-ex even when I was with him.

 

I think if I had the time to get over the relationship and I met my current ex now things would be very different indeed.

 

So what I'm saying is she is very confused and I know because I've been there. I wish I had given myself the time to heal from the first break up and I think this is what she needs. It doesn't mean she thinks any less of you or loves you less because she still has feelings for her ex. It's just something she needs to deal with. Maybe you can explain this to her?

 

Tell her that you love her and think she needs time to sort her feelings out. And really the only way I think this will happen is for her to be alone for a while. I know it would have certainly helped me. I have had about a month to myself now, and I have started thinking about ex-ex in a different way. So really for me it's like trying to get over 2 relationships at the same time. But since I have had this time I don't think the same way about my ex-ex.

 

If you need more insight let me know and I will try to explain further.

[bummedout4]

thanks for your post, i know that everyone needs time to figure things out and really clear their heads. It's just tough for me because its like this is happening for the 2nd time. I thought i lost her once, came to live with it and move on with my life the best i could and then she comes back into my life and i think everything would be fine and we would move forward together. Now she says she is still confused, doesnt want a boyfriend and doesnt know if she sees me in that way anymore. She still loves me and wants me in her life but not in that way right now. It's really frustrating and it sucks this is happening all over again. I don't have tons of friends and many probably feel i was stupid for going back with her and then having her hurt me again. Now i am sitting here at home all weekend just hating my life.

 

I am just venting, i feel so powerless sometimes and alone. She was and is my best friend and not being able to see her when i want and talk to her makes me so stressed out and gives me some anxiety. I guess i should understand this whole process better since i already went through it once , but it seems to be different and harder the second time around. I still have hope in my heart that we may be meant to be , just not right now. I just dont know if i should still talk to her and be friends while i am still hurting. Well anyways, i just needed to get some stuff out , i feel a little better for the time being. Thanks to everyone for their support.

[bummedout4]

some opinions and advice would be appreciated, its been a tough weekend. thanks

[EyesOnThePrize]

bummedout - Okay, these are just my opinion. Make of them what you will.

 

1. Take it slowly and do not push. While you say that she knows this guy is not the one for her, if you push her, she may run to him just to escape the pressure on you.

2. Keep coming here to vent. Don't tell her how tough it is for you, that's not likely to get a lot of sympathy.

3. Don't throw any one day out of proportion. This is a process, and could take weeks or months to resolve itself.

4. Keep trying to learn her sense (i.e., how she reacts to things, not how you would react or think she should react) and be able to validate her.

5. Trust yourself.

6. Have a life outside of her. Don't appear needy or clingy. Have you read the clingers and avoiders thread? Which one is she? Which one are you?

7. Keep loving her in your heart, even if you're not able to show it in person.

8. Don't allow yourself to be Plan B. If she truly loves you, she will come to you when she is ready.

9. Decide how long you are prepared to wait for 8.

[littlej]

These are great rules to live by especially if you want them back.