Been a Month back "together" now having some issues...

[bummedout4]

Well I have posted on here before about my ex-gf. We were together 4 yrs, then she broke up with me last September and we reconciled in late January. Since then we been spending a lot of time together acting like a couple but not officially "together". She is having a lot of issues about her feelings and the guy she was with for the 4 months we were apart. She knows he isn't the one for her but she can't seem to get over him completely yet. She still talks to him and yesterday she just told me she doesn't knwo what to do. She loves me and knows all the good things i bring to the table and she also says he has some things that she misses. She knows she really has no future with him b/c hes just not a reliable person with a future and I am. She says maybe she needs more time to just sort her feelings out. I can tell she is really confused, its like something is pulling her back in forth. She is so afraid to make a decision and just go for it, always wondering if she is doing the right thing. I know she doesn't want to hurt me again and maybe we did rush things when we started to talk and hang out agian. Do i back off and just let her sort out her feelings? We love each other a lot and know that we can have a good future together, there is just something in her that is holding back. We have known each other for almost 5 years and she says she misses that feeling of excitement and passion. How do we get that back after so long?

 

Sorry for being so long but I don't want to lose her again. She tells me there is nothing i did or didn't do to make her feel like this, this is something inside her that she is going through. What do i do? Support her but back off until she figure out what she really wants? By the way, she called me and wanted to talk and see me and we started hanging out right away, while she was still kinda with this other guy, then she told him about me and it was kinda rushed, do you think this is another reason why she is so confused. Things did happen fast and maybe it was too much to handle. Thanks for any input you guys have.

[deleted-account]

Whatever you do, you need to be cautious. Her jumping from you, to him, back to you is a bad sign. I don't think she has a clue about what she wants right now.

[bummedout4]

yeah you are right, she even admits it. How do you let someone figure themselves out? Its hard b/c we been together a lot lately, I don't want to get distant again but also give her the time she needs. Now its like we are in this limbo, do we cut back how much we see each other? Do i let her make the moves? I thought it would be easy getting back together and working on us, but its harder than i imagined.

[RealBrookeI]

yeah you are right, she even admits it. How do you let someone figure themselves out? Its hard b/c we been together a lot lately, I don't want to get distant again but also give her the time she needs. Now its like we are in this limbo, do we cut back how much we see each other? Do i let her make the moves? I thought it would be easy getting back together and working on us, but its harder than i imagined.

 

She isnt making a decison because she doesnt have to she has what she wants in both of you. You for emotional support and stability and the psycho guy for excitement and midnight rendevous.

[Hunny1607307342]

leave her be, let her go for a while. then she'll really know what she wants, and she'll know you aren't to be taken for granted.

if this continues i'd say you should tell her that you'll stay on a break until she can clear her head.

[bummedout4]

yeah thanks everyone, i know she has to make up her mind. She is not like hanging out with this guy or anything since we been togehter again, she just talks to him. She has been pretty honest to me about it so i don't think she really wants to get back with him, just unsure about us and if we are going to work. She is afraid and unsure. I guess i will give her some space yet still talk and be supportive to her. She is the one who called me and started the whole reconciliation process. Maybe i took it too fast b/c i was so happy to have her back, maybe we just need more time to ease into things. Either way, i know what i want, she needs to figure out what she does. Thanks again

[RealBrookeI]

Besides the fact that she is still "talking" to this guy the other bhuge problem here is the fact that she knows you will take her back after she finds out that the grass isnt greener on the other side which means the next guy who comes along and appears to be the one she will again leave you for if she ever decides to get back together with you.

 

Hate to break it to you buddy but she doesnt want to be with you and doesnt want to be alone.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She doesn't seem to understand what a real relationship is all about. It is not all about the excitement and passion that you feel at the beginning of a relationship. If she thinks that is what love is all about and that is why she ran to this other guy then she does not have a healthy view of relationships. She is using you for security and the other guy for excitement. I would suggest you back off from her and let her figure it out...if she ever does figure it out. It is always a bad sign when someone reconciles but is still mulling over feelings for the other person. That means they did not go into the reconciliation for the right reasons. This woman is a flake and you should not have to be a victim of her so-called confusion..which is really just her immaturity.

[bummedout4]

She doesn't seem to understand what a real relationship is all about. It is not all about the excitement and passion that you feel at the beginning of a relationship. If she thinks that is what love is all about and that is why she ran to this other guy then she does not have a healthy view of relationships. She is using you for security and the other guy for excitement. I would suggest you back off from her and let her figure it out...if she ever does figure it out. It is always a bad sign when someone reconciles but is still mulling over feelings for the other person. That means they did not go into the reconciliation for the right reasons. This woman is a flake and you should not have to be a victim of her so-called confusion..which is really just her immaturity.

 

 

yeah i see what you are saying, she is probably immature when it comes to this. Sometimes things overwhelm her and make her think a lot of things in her head. I don't believe she came into this reconciliation for the wrong reasons, she didnt really know how i would reaact when she called me. The fact that i did wnat her back, may have caught her by surprise and how it all just started to happen quickly may have not gave her time to sort her feelings out. I know she loves me, she knows she does too....however, she says she thought she would feel different and that spark again. I don't know if you can get that back. We are on a different level of love, we known each other for a long time. I just hope she sees that what we have is greater than any "excitement" that comes with something new, that disappears over time and then left with nothing.

[orangesoda]

I agree with Crazyaboudogs and RealBrookeI, your girlfriend is trying to play both sides of the fence here. When she needs comfort and stability, she hops to your side, tells you exactly what you need to hear to welcome her back, but has that one *tiny* little reason for her to jump to the other side of the fence, so she can keep talking with this other guy.

 

I can guarantee that when she's talking with this other guy, she's not thinking about you. That's selfish and immature, and the longer you let this go on, the less respect she'll have for you. No girl wants a guy who lets her get away with anything. So be careful about how you proceed here. I

[Addicus]

I agree with the posts....she has you as stability, which fullfills one need an then the other guy as the excitement! There is something about dysfunctional people that are exciting...but they are not good at giving the person the eerything else a healthy relationship requires...I have first hand experience! Ex dumped me not because we didn't connect..we connect on an amzing level...she just didn't feel sexual chem...her past relationships have been with unhealthy people that give her the SC but not the stability..right now her need for the SC outweighs the stability...not much I can do about that but take care of me......

 

I would think setting up some boundaries....it may mean losing her but if you lose her you gain in self-respect. She needs to choose....let he go and figure it out while you take care of yourself!

[Little Blue Ant]

I agree with the posts....she has you as stability, which fullfills one need an then the other guy as the excitement! There is something about dysfunctional people that are exciting...but they are not good at giving the person the eerything else a healthy relationship requires...I have first hand experience! Ex dumped me not because we didn't connect..we connect on an amzing level...she just didn't feel sexual chem...her past relationships have been with unhealthy people that give her the SC but not the stability..right now her need for the SC outweighs the stability...not much I can do about that but take care of me......

 

I would think setting up some boundaries....it may mean losing her but if you lose her you gain in self-respect. She needs to choose....let he go and figure it out while you take care of yourself!

 

Addicus, I swear we're in the exact same situation. My ex even mentioned at one point that the guys she's dating sometimes reminds her of the ex before me, who was an unstable mess who treated her like dirt. Now I have heard from outside sources that this guy is a pretty selfish guy who doesn't go out of his way at all for her. Go figure.

 

Now back to the topic, I agree with the other dude. Take a step back and let her know that you are and the reasons for it. You need to be honest with her so she understands your stance. Its unacceptable that she is still talking to her "rebound" while trying to work things out with you.

 

If my ex ever comes to me and we begin to start our relationship (from scratch), the other guy MUST be out of her life. Even if they just became friends after all was said an done, I don't think I could handle it. Then again, if I couldn't, maybe I shouldn't be getting back together in the first place.

 

Protect YOURSELF first man, you need to be selfish now.

[emalkoc]

Bummedout4, remember what I told you...sorry to hear man!

 

but you have to be even stronger now. Because it is your chance to shine compare to other jerk You show who the daddy is. You take charge.

 

First thing is first, you have to tell her to cut the crap talking to other guy if she is with you...You have to tell her nicely but firmly as a man...

 

She has already made a choice - you...

 

Second of all, get a counsular for two of you.

 

Third, woman loves planning man...Make a vacation plan and take her away from current scene. couple days, week, romantic getaway.

 

I am sure you have been together every second you since got back and never spend time together away from your neighborhood.

 

Good luck....No More Nice guy..Read it..I highly recommend.

 

Eric

[bummedout4]

hey eveyrone, been a while since i posted on here and i have some updates.

 

Well first of all, my ex has been to 2 therapy sessions so far. basically the psychologist has told her that from what she sees, i am her security blanket, which many of you have already said. She trusts me and can confide in me b/c i have always been there for her. the therapist posed to her the situation that with me it's really all or nothing, we cannot be just friends and continue like this. I know i can't continue talking to her and being all happy with being her friend, especially if she is with someone else.

 

She also posed the question to my ex that if she could go months and years and possibly the rest of her life w/out me in her life, to talk to and be there for her. My ex says that she can't see herself doing that. she loves me and wants me in her life but it sems like she isn't attracted to me as much as before. She can't seem to put the other guy aside and just focus and concentrate on our relationship. She claims that somethign is missing and she doesnt know what it is. So really i dont know what to do. the therapist suggested that she not see either me or the other guy for a month. She said that she can't do that but she would try a week at a time. Well this was on wednesday, i havent seen her since last saturday night so really its been a week since i seen her.

 

What really bothers me and makes me think this isnt going to work out is that she likes talking to me and thinks i am a great person but says that sometiems she doenst miss me or have that urge to see me in that boyfriend way. Then after saying that, she says i dont know, my feelings keep changing from day to day and sometimes i just dont know that to think. She is struggling with all of this and has a lot of other stresses in her life, like finding a job.

 

What do i do? I love her and want to be with her, she knows this. There is somethign holding her back and i know i can't keep giving and giving and getting nothign in return. She is lost and afraid of getting back together and then hurting me again down the road or not being totally happy. She said she really needs this weekend to think deep and hard about things and i guess we will talk later. She wanted to go to the therapist again before anything but her next appt isnt for another week and a half, unless someone cancels. It is killing me to hear her say these things she is missing or afraid of. I dont wnat to give up but it feels like she isnt willing to give it her all.

 

I am trying to be understanding and giving her space. We have been talking on the phone since the psychologist suggested not seeing each other but i am not calling her anymore and ill leave that up to her. She admits that i am like her security blanket and that she loves me but doesnt know why she doesnt have that feeling of "in love". Could she be infatuated or have a crush on the other guy who is still more new and different and just loves me b/c we known each other for so long and have history? If she can't see the difference between real love and infatuation, what do i do? Well i dont know what is goign to happen but ia m trying to prepare for the worst, as much as i dont want to and am scared of it. Wish me luck eveyone, thanks. Any opinions and adivce are appreciated.

[dreamguy]

Don't be scared.

The more you are scared of losing her the more you cling on to her.

The more you cling on to her the more she will NOT feel this "in love" feeling she mentioned.

 

If you dated a girl who said: "I will always be there for you and I'll wait for you no matter what", how would you feel ? Would you give her the value she deserves in your life ?

 

Let your ex go for now. You did all you can. She knows you love her and want to be with her. There is nothing you can do from your side anymore except become scarce in her life (if you can completely disappear it's even better).

 

After you do that, time will tell if she will miss you enough to realize she does love you and wants to be with you in a romantic relationship. But you have to let go first. There is no shortcut and no way around this. You have to go through it and face your fears of losing her.

[bummedout4]

Thanks Dreamguy, I know it's what i have to do. I am trying my best to get there. She wants me there as a friend who she knows she can count on. It's hard for me to not be there for her b/c i do love her , sometimes i am too nice for my own good. It is scary to think that the person you love doesn't want you in the same way and that they will be with someone else. IT does seem like after she called me back and we started hanging out again, i have been the one clining on and trying to get back. I guess i have made it easy for her to pick and choose what she wants from me and what she wants from him. Its been a hard 2 months and I just want it to end as much as i don't want us to end. Thanks for your advice, its hard but good to hear it from someone else.

[littlej]

I agree with the above post. I am in a different situation. My ex dumped me for her previous ex. He was a jerk and not the serious type. She wants to be serious. He was "the one" the moment she saw him. The chemistry she said was greater for him than me. So she went back to him. He smokes, she hates smokers and is trying to get him to quit. He wants to play and she is trying to get him to settle down.

 

I on the other hand have said my peace. I went NC and dropped off the face of the earth. Why? Because without a doubt I am the better man and person will she realize it? Maybe not but I will not be here when the train wreck happens. Let her get a chance to figure it out. If she wants me back she will have to fight like heck to do so. I need to save face and not be the whiny dude waiting around. Too many fish in the sea my friend.

[bummedout4]

Ok well last night we talked after not talking much all weekend and I haven't seen her since last Saturday. She is basically a mess, feels sick, depressed and just feels horrible. Everything that is going on is really affecting her and we both know this has to end soon. What confuses me and her as well is that she feels like sometimes she wants to be with me and get back together but she says she doesn't know if she can do it. She is afraid of hurting me again and not being happy in the future. She says she knows me and what I bring to the table and all the good things I have and she wants that. The problem seems to be getting past this fear of hers about the future and things not working or her being happy. She's afraid that the same problems we had would come back again. I want to work on our issues and even go to see a counselor together, she is already going by herself.

 

My question is how do I make her see its ok to be afraid and uncertain but to just go for it and if we both work at it and want it, there is no reason why we can't be happy together and be everthing we want? How do I ease her fears and allow her to feel comfortable with uncertainty? I know this is something inside her but I feel like there has to be a way to help her and allow us to give it another real chance.

 

Well we are going to talk again later, and hopefully in person sometime this week. I miss her a lot and really want this to work, I just don't know how to make her feel more comfortable and stop worrying about what if's and all that stuff we don't know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Honestly, I think you guys have talked enough. By continuing to cover the same ground, she gets what she wants...you hanging around. Although she hasn't seen you in a week, has she stuck to her word and has not seen the other guy? The fact that she didn't see you for a week is no great feat...you were both still in communication, hashing and re-hashing this. Stop being her captive audience and buying into her waterworks/crocodile tears and "woe is me" drama. All this is is attention-seeking drama. Don't try to convince her of anything, you made your point now walk away completely, for good. Let her get a feel for what life is like without you in it, no phone calls nothing. Right now she is toying with you and is very clever at manipulation. That expression 's**t or get off the pot" is very appropriate. How much longer can you handle this drama? If the other guy is so exciting, let her go to him..but walk out of her life. She should not play two men off each other.

[Clabs]

Hey bummedout

 

I agree 100% with Crazyaboutdogs. You made yourself clear - she knows how you feel so we are all waiting for her. There is no point rehashing this over and over again - you cannot convince her of anything - she has to come back of her own free will.

 

You need to step away from this situation and leave her alone - completely alone -because if you don't, she is going to turn you into a nervous wreck.

 

It is never easy in these situations - you want to try and do something - anything - to get back to what you had. But as has been said, you have done all you can so walk away with your dignity intact.

 

Good luck mate.

 

Mark

[bummedout4]

Thanks guys, I see what you are saying and understand what I should do. Its hard to actually do it. We have talked enough and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She says she hasn't been seeing me or him during this time and will continue to do so to try and figure heself out and get her life in order. Its hard to accept she is so afraid of just going for it and trying to make it work but obviously she is not ready for that. She has another therapy appt next week so I guess for now we just talk on the phone every once in a while. I don't call her much anymore and I let her call me. I don't want to shut her out totally BC she is having other issues with job search and family but I am trying not to act so clingy and needy, as much as I do want to be with her.

 

I guess for now we just have to live our lives and see what happens. I still have hope but I try not to get my hopes up too much. I am happy when we talk, it just sucks the situation we are in and all this uncertainty. Well thanks for your advice I definitely am trying my best in my own way to implement some sort of distance, as hard as it is.

[bummedout4]

Basically what it comes down to with her is that she knows what I bring to the relationship and that we would have a good future together, she knows that and says she isn't worried about that with me. What is really making her unsure is that when we started seeing each other again after being apart, she says she thought she would feel differently. I guess she thought she would feel like she did in the beginning, all anxious and I guess like a new relationship. She didn't feel like she thought she would and it kinda dissappointed her. I guess this is where she started to question herself and if she was doing the right thing.

We have not seen each other for 2 weeks now but still talk on the phone daily and we do enjoy talking to each other. She is still going to therapy, has a session this Wednesday so I guess its another step in her understanding what she wants. She says she can't imagine me not in her life, something the therapist posed to her as a possibility if we didn't work things out.

I don't know if I should have hope and be there for her, which I know I want to, or start to distance myself. Its hard BC I do miss her a lot and have wanted to see her so badly during these past 2 weeks. I know in due time things will either happen or not and she will understand what she wants and what's important to her. I'm trying not to just wait around and make her feel guilty for that either, I guess I will just have to be patient and do things to make myself happy. If she wants to be apart of my life, I guess she will let me know and have to show me she wants that.

Its just a confusing situation and we both seem to change how we feel from day to day. I'm just hoping in the end it all works out for both of us.

[bummedout4]

Well last night I just brought everything up because its been a while since we talked about anything and over 3 weeks since we last saw each other. Basically she told me that she just doesn't feel like she thought she would and thinks she should. She cares for me and loves me but says she hasn't missed me in that way of a boyfriend and when we did spend time together she didn't feel like she use to, wanting to kiss me and etc. So I don't know what to do, she says she feels bad and hurt for what she has done but it wasn't planned. She doesn't want to lose me BC we are so close and neither do I but I don't know what to do. She knows I am willing to try and make it work but she seems to be afraid or just feel that it probably won't.

 

Is there anything I can do? I just feel she wanted the feelings of the old relationship and expected it to just happen instantly. I really do love her and want her in my life but not just a friend. She says she wishes she did feel the same way I did BC she does love me and care about me but feels there is something missing. I don't understand it, it may not be perfect but I want to do whatever possible to work on it and make it what we both want. How do I proceed from here? I really don't want to lose her, she is my best friend and a person I can tell anything but I want that plus more. Should I finally give up or try to show her or fight for her? I feel like I lost her once, got her back and am now losing her again, It feels worse this time arround and I don't want to lose her again. What can I do?

[Litgirl01]

She doesn't seem to understand what a real relationship is all about. It is not all about the excitement and passion that you feel at the beginning of a relationship. If she thinks that is what love is all about and that is why she ran to this other guy then she does not have a healthy view of relationships. She is using you for security and the other guy for excitement. I would suggest you back off from her and let her figure it out...if she ever does figure it out. It is always a bad sign when someone reconciles but is still mulling over feelings for the other person. That means they did not go into the reconciliation for the right reasons. This woman is a flake and you should not have to be a victim of her so-called confusion..which is really just her immaturity.

 

 

Amazing that people still think that infatuation is love...well into their adult years!

[bummedout4]

How can you help someone or make them see what true love is really all about? To me its not all about feeling head over heels all the time but knowing that person is there for you and wants what's best for you, more than yourself. I guess I am asking for a miracle at this point, just so frustrating to be so close and just not get to where you know you can go and be what you can be.