my big speech. what do you think...

[Hunny1607307342]

Heeey i asked you guys about this in a post along with my thread but its had no replies so.. want to ask, what do you think of asking to meet my ex for a casual chat, and telling him something along these lines:

 

' i just want to say, i'm not quite the same girl i was when i left your car that night a few months ago, but i'm not asking you for a relationship or anything, because although i know that i sure as hell won't make the same mistakes again, i have come to accept that the opportunity i had with you is ruined, right..? And in spite of everything, i'm just really glad i got to have you has my boyfriend for so long i'm okay with leaving it at that, but it's just everytime i've tried to hang out with you as a friend you've seemed really very cold and detached. i'm not sure whether that's because you feel weird around me, or because you think you'll give me the wrong signals, but i can assure you all i want is for us to be friends, that's all. And you've done somethings that made me feel really strange and uncomfortable, such as deleting all the comments off our old photos from 1 year ago etc. and it feels like you're trying to delete every trace of my memory. Im not sure whether you realise that these things do hurt me, but i just want to remind you that I'm an ordinary girl. i feel as though you have an impression of me which is a lot worse than who i really am, but i'm just me, and i whilst i've learnt a lot from you, i don't know if it was worth losing a very good friend. so do you think we can be friends, proper friends??'

 

 

Or I could message him this message but i prefer to say it to his face because it makes more sense given the context. Btw he dumped me. Still loved each other when we broke up (4 months ago).

Please give opinions xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[nic2463]

As a fella it feels a bit to heavy.If your ready to see him just go for a coffee and remind him of the girl he dated.Light and jokey all the heavy stuff will scare him.Be a challenge to him thats how we guys come back.

[Hunny1607307342]

thanks for the tip !

maybe i'll cut out some of the stuff in the middle like me being hurt or whatever ! thank you!

[DN]

Are you sure you don't want more than a friendship?

[nic2463]

From that message i would know your not over the end of the relationship.So he will have all the power.

Tips to get back with a fella.

1/new look/hairstyle

2/act as if you dont give a toss and your enjoying life,dating etc

3/remind him of what hes lost.

4/dont contact him let him do the contacting

[renaissancewoman101]

I wouldn't send him an email like that. I would ask him to hang out as a friend, go for a coffee or a simple lunch, and just enjoy your time with him. Don't talk about the past relationship, just show him that you're a great girl and that you would enjoy a friendship with him. Show him that you're still fine and confident even WITHOUT him.

 

Most of all, make it a pleasant experience. Someone once told me a while back, that people gravitate towards pleasurable feelings, and shy away from unpleasurable ones.

 

If you hang out with him, leave it on a pleasurable note.

[Hunny1607307342]

thank you all so much

really helps put things into perspective

but with regards to the last couple of posts- a couple of weeks ago i did suggest something really sponteneous and easy going- a half hour walk in the park because the weather was nice. He agreed to go with me which surprised me considering the way he avoids me most of the time, and i literally just wanted to have a chilled walk like i would with any other friend.

 

but he didnt talk too much, and then later that evening all i got was 'did you want to tell me something or did you just want to walk?' and its ironic, bcause even when i dont mention us , he assumes that i wanted to.

that;s why i want to cut through the pretentiousness and just tell him heart to heart that i want us to be friends without it being weird. I miss him

 

and with regards to the post that asks if i want more than friendship- deep down i do, but ive accepted that its not going to happen (any time soon anyway).

[nic2463]

Dont torture yourself about the importance of letting him know you want friendship.Even from that he will know you still have feelings for him.

If you want things to work in your favour use my tips.All the girls i have rekindled interest in after dumping them was because they kept out of touch.

[toughtimes15]

From that message i would know your not over the end of the relationship.So he will have all the power.

Tips to get back with a fella.

1/new look/hairstyle

2/act as if you dont give a toss and your enjoying life,dating etc

3/remind him of what hes lost.

4/dont contact him let him do the contacting

 

 

I've read your tips and I'm very intrigued for some more insight. See, I thought that if I act like I don't care and all this stuff, my ex would think I'm being a . I would love to hear some more tips on how to get the ex interested again. So the whole NC with a guy really does work? I went NC with my ex after having lunch with him 2 weeks ago. After 11 days of NC, we text me "just to say hi". I waited until the next day and just said "hi back. whats up". he text me back "nothing new. just tired." i text back "same here" and that was the last i heard from him. the whole NC really does work? I mean whats a guy thinking? btw, he was the dumper.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would also advise not to send that email. It makes you look weak and needy. He doesn't seem to be bending over backwards to be your friend...it seems like he could take you or leave you. Do you really want to be with someone, even as a friend, who is that ambivalent about you? Your constant presense in his life is not going to suddenly make him change his mind about the relationship. Certainly sending that email telling him how his actions of deleting comments etc hurts you is not going to make him re-think things. If the relationship is over he has the right to delete comments that he no longer feels comfortable with. While you may say you have accepted the relationship is over, your actions do not back up that claim. You need to take the time for yourself to fully accept that this is over....desperately clinging to him as a "friend" is not going to help you accept that it is over. Maybe over time you can be friends without expectations, but for now my advice would be to cut contact with him completely or at the very least, keep it to a bare minimum. You have a better chance (but no guarantees) of re-kindling things if he has the opportunity to miss you and see what life is like without you around, rather than you chasing after him begging for scraps and feeling slighted all the time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I've read your tips and I'm very intrigued for some more insight. See, I thought that if I act like I don't care and all this stuff, my ex would think I'm being a b!tch. I would love to hear some more tips on how to get the ex interested again. So the whole NC with a guy really does work? I went NC with my ex after having lunch with him 2 weeks ago. After 11 days of NC, we text me "just to say hi". I waited until the next day and just said "hi back. whats up". he text me back "nothing new. just tired." i text back "same here" and that was the last i heard from him. the whole NC really does work? I mean whats a guy thinking? btw, he was the dumper.

 

 

NC should not be used as a game to get the ex back. It is NOT about being a ...it is about accepting the fact that the relationship is over and healing yourself. Sometimes the ex comes back to re-build the relationship after they realize they miss you, but most of the time they don't or they just come back for an ego stroke and not to seriously re-build the relationship. Don't play games...games tend to backfire big time. Just live your life and move on.

[nic2463]

TOUGHTIMES

Everytime you reply to his txt he knows your still available.Ignore the next few he sends make yourself unavailable.He will then be calling you not txting.

If you show that you dont care it will show him hes losing you thats when he will show his cards.

I dumped a girl a few years ago,she didnt contact me or anything and as time went by i became frustrated tried calling but she didnt answer eventually i gave up but to this day i still think about her,another pestered me after i dumped her and i avoided her like the plague.

Fellas value what they cant have,thats my experience.

[nic2463]

NC should not be used as a game to get the ex back.

 

 

Agreed but its a double win situation.You heel and lets the ex miss you

[Hope75]

CAD is right on the money- I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Your actions certainly do not show that you are over him, and he is going to see right through that.

 

Back off and show him with your actions that being ambivalent towards you isn't the way to keep your friendship.

 

You know what? He doesn't sound truly comfortable with being friends with you right now and honestly most exes don't.

 

I think backing off and letting him go is the best thing you can do for both of you- don't send him that speech and don't tell him those things.

 

They aren't going to have the affect you want.

[toughtimes15]

TOUGHTIMES

Everytime you reply to his txt he knows your still available.Ignore the next few he sends make yourself unavailable.He will then be calling you not txting.

If you show that you dont care it will show him hes losing you thats when he will show his cards.

I dumped a girl a few years ago,she didnt contact me or anything and as time went by i became frustrated tried calling but she didnt answer eventually i gave up but to this day i still think about her,another pestered me after i dumped her and i avoided her like the plague.

Fellas value what they cant have,thats my experience.

 

 

 

I'm looking at your tips and when my ex and I have lunch a couple weeks ago, he noticed that something was different with my hair and that it was getting longer. he told me that he likes me with long hair and that it was really pretty. i've also been hitting the gym like no other. i try not to let him think that i'm walking around depressed and all. i have my moments about the breakup but he doesn't know about them. he knows i have a lot going on in my life right now. and i think why i'm okay (however not all the time) with NC is b/c i'm soooo stubborn that i won't pick up the phone and contact him...plus i learned my lesson about being pushy when we were on a break...hence why i'm where i'm at now. i know we are not suppose to worry about what they are thinking but could you possibly give me some insight on what he has been thinking? i know it would be very fluid advice considering you are not him, but i need the guys point of view on this whole thing. my friends all think it was weird that he text me two days before valentines day after NC for a week and half "just to say hi" and that was it.

[jenny_mcs]

 

You know what? He doesn't sound truly comfortable with being friends with you right now and honestly most exes don't.

 

I think backing off and letting him go is the best thing you can do for both of you- don't send him that speech and don't tell him those things.

 

They aren't going to have the affect you want.

 

 

Agreed. You seem to be putting pressure in him to act in your timeframe- you want to be friends NOW, and he doesn't seem to want to. Back off and let some time pass.

[Hunny1607307342]

NC doesn't make my ex thing twice about me at all- it makes it easier for him to move on. He even told me a couple of months ago that it hurts when he sees me, and when he's not seeing me things are fine. But I just wish i could get it through to him that its not supposed to be so difficult for the dumper, that's the underlying point i want to get accross. ie that if hes over me then we should be able to be friends, and if he's Not over me despite it being 4 months down the line, surely it shows what we had was worth while.

The reason we broke up is because i kept fighting with him and i used to get into immature tantrums (as he would quite rightly put it) but he said he can't trust that i will change and thus felt a need to end it. But I want to prove to him that i am capable of change and have learnt from my mistakes. To be honest, that's partly the reason why i want to be friends with him, to show him i'm different, so he doesn't have such an awful memory of me.

[Hunny1607307342]

btw i am prepared to wait, but the question is how long? feels i'll be waiting forever if i dont act upon things a little

[nic2463]

Look when he txt to say hi its just him checking that his safety net is still there, 10 days n/c isnt much,ignore him for 3 weeks and see how he responds.As long as your available to him he will mess your mind with stupid meaningless messages.

Is he dating someone else? If yes cut him dead if not n/c for 3-4 weeks.

Its not a game just using the rules of attraction in your favour.

[DN]

Let's say he agrees to be friends. So you hang out just as friends and then one day he tells you, or you just find out, that he is seeing someone romantically.

 

How would you deal with that? Friends wouldn't have a problem but it seems that you would.

 

I think you need to think this through a little more.

[Hunny1607307342]

the thing is ,hes quite connected in my circle of friends, so undoubtedly i would find something like that out anyway

so yeah i'd rather be his friend and know about it, if thats what he REALLY wants

 

but i'm fairly sure he wont be dating anyone for a very very long time. he always used to tell me (when we were still together) he wouldn't be able to handle seeing anyone else for a year or two if we were to break up.

 

i just really really really really want to prove to him that ive changed, i want him to know that and believe it. If he sees and believes it, and STILL chooses to walk away then ok so be it. But i dont think he would walk away if he knew that i wont mess things up again.

It's not like im being greedy and asking him to committ to me to show him this, i just want a friendship to show him.

so it puts me in a tricky position not being able to see him as a friend. in a hopeless position really.

[toughtimes15]

Look when he txt to say hi its just him checking that his safety net is still there, 10 days n/c isnt much,ignore him for 3 weeks and see how he responds.As long as your available to him he will mess your mind with stupid meaningless messages.

Is he dating someone else? If yes cut him dead if not n/c for 3-4 weeks.

Its not a game just using the rules of attraction in your favour.

 

I'm pretty sure he is not dating anyone. But here's the thing, and you can call me stupid, but my ex is not the kind of guy that would, as you put it, "mess my mind with stupid meaningless messages". Now maybe this is just a guy thing, i don't know. I'm sorry for continuing to bug you with questions. i'm just trying to figure some things out. he wanted his "separation" as he put it and i'm trying to give that to him.

[nic2463]

I'm pretty sure he is not dating anyone. But here's the thing, and you can call me stupid, but my ex is not the kind of guy that would, as you put it, "mess my mind with stupid meaningless messages". Now maybe this is just a guy thing, i don't know. I'm sorry for continuing to bug you with questions. i'm just trying to figure some things out. he wanted his "separation" as he put it and i'm trying to give that to him.

 

ive never understood this having a break thing.Why did he want a "break"?

Ask him straight if hes dating.Then you will know if those txt messages are a waste of time.No one means to be nasty but its comfy to have you there waiting.

I still think those tips are the best way to get him back even if hes not dating anyone it will make you look attractive and he will realise what hes losing .As long as your at his beck and call you lose.Take charge and show him you have value

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Look at what you wrote above. You used to keep fighting with him and have tantrums when you didn't get your way. You are making claims that you have changed your ways...but you actually haven't. You are, in a sense, still throwing tantrums and fighting with him because you haven't gotten your way. By hell or high water, you want to be friends with him...and you are pushing and pushing and pushing your way into his life in order to be friends, despite his ambivalence. The only thing you are actually proving to him is that you HAVEN'T changed...you are not backing off..you only want him to see things from your perspective but you are not seeing his perspective.

 

Yes, it is hard on him...maybe he does really care about you...but just because you care about someone and miss them doesn't mean that a relationship will work out. He has an easier time when you are not in contact because there is less stress, less pushiness, less angst from you. The minute he sees you, you are pushing him, pushing him to see your point of view. If someone is making a pain in the ass of themselves, naturally it will be easier when they are not in your face.

 

If someone truly cares about their ex, NC won't make them forget, it will allow them to reflect about the relationship and whether or not they want to try again. If the relationship is completely played out, then whether you are friends or go NC, there is no going back. NC or Limited contact allows you to keep your dignity.

 

I would suggest you think long and hard about the changes you said you have made...because saying you have made changes is a lot different from actually having made the changes.

[toughtimes15]

ive never understood this having a break thing.Why did he want a "break"?

Ask him straight if hes dating.Then you will know if those txt messages are a waste of time.No one means to be nasty but its comfy to have you there waiting.

I still think those tips are the best way to get him back even if hes not dating anyone it will make you look attractive and he will realise what hes losing .As long as your at his beck and call you lose.Take charge and show him you have value

 

He wanted a break b/c he felt like i was in place and he wasn't quite there yet. He started feeling like he was hanging out with his best friend not his girlfriend. At this point we had been together 7 months. He wanted to take a break and see if he was just crazy or something. We took the break, after a week he text me and we text all week then after that week he called me and we were back to talking on the phone. he told me he really missed me but he still wasnt' sure about things. we talked about things a couple times in very long phone conversations. we met up for new years eve, got into a little tiff, talked later that night or morning i guess for about 3 hours and then we ended up sleeping together. the next day we broke up b/c he really wanted separation he said. and i will admit, i didn't give him the space or time he needed to figure things out. i have now, i just wish i would've known this about a month ago. so i'm giving him his space from me. he is the most amazing guy i have ever met and i do see myself marrying this man. we care so much about each other. he is just that kind of caring guy. he said something about being friends but i told him i wasn't sure. a friend of mine set us up. her and her husband have known him for years and if he was dating someone else, they would tell me...so i know he's not. But here's the thing, how do they know that you are doing good and that you are that person taht they first met if they never see you?