toughtimes15 Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 one more thing nic2463...i don't think he has any idea that i would want to give us another chance. i think he thinks that i'm just over it and i'm ready to be friends. i want us to give it another try, but i don't think he knows that. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 thanks a lot for the advice crazyaboutdogs , what youre saying actually makes a lot of sense. You're right, its best to just do nothing. its just a shame because i really wanted him to come to my art exhibition next week... i really want him to see me and be proud and think 'wow shes actually doing something productive with her life and shes matured'. but i just thought unless we're friends beforehand, it will be weird to just invite him out of the blue wouldn't it. Although...the exhibition is going to be at the sports club which we both go to...so maybe its not so weird. but i want him to actually show up.. Link to comment
nic2463 Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Thats why i said give it 4 weeks n/c.Then give him a call,emotionaly you will be in a better place.Its sounds like he doesnt know what he wants,so for now take his options away,if he is the guy for you he will come running.Just dont be a door mat for him.Its soooo unattractive knowing we can treat a girl badly and she comes back for more. Dont answer any txt or be friends rubish for a month.Cut him out totally. If he loves you he will be banging on your door before you know it. Dont fall for the i care for you stuff he has to be clear that he wants a future with you. Its tough to do n/c i know but it will show him what hes lost.Dont break it once during the month unless he is clear about your future. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 nic2463, with regards to my situation, how do you suggest i get my ex to show up at my art exhibition in 3 weeks?? Link to comment
nic2463 Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 one more thing nic2463...i don't think he has any idea that i would want to give us another chance. i think he thinks that i'm just over it and i'm ready to be friends. i want us to give it another try, but i don't think he knows that. Tell him clearly you want to try again without emotion.Then if he feels the same great,if hes wishy washy cut him dead. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Are the flyers advertising the exhibition? If he goes to the same club then he likely knows about the exhibition. You are trying too hard to prove something to him...to almost force him to be proud of you. Why are you giving him so much power over you. You should be proud of your work with her without his approval. I would suggest you don't say anything to him. Let him decide on his own whether or not he wants to check it out. If he is not comfortable being friends with you, then inviting him might put him on the spot. Let it go. Just do your own thing. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 hmmm true true there are no flyers tho- maybe i should make some Link to comment
nic2463 Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 nic2463, with regards to my situation, how do you suggest i get my ex to show up at my art exhibition in 3 weeks??[/quote Your clearly still hooked up on him and no doubt he knows that too. If you can handle seeing him at the exhibition i would send a email or txt,make it light though something along the lines of "If your at a loose end on .... pop by and see my art exhibition and maybe i can .twist your arm to buy one he he." something like that and not pushy atall. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 Thanks so much people xxx Link to comment
toughtimes15 Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Tell him clearly you want to try again without emotion.Then if he feels the same great,if hes wishy washy cut him dead. i don't know how to even begin talking to him. has it even been enough time to start talking about this? the last 24 hours have been such an emotional rollercoaster for me. i have never missed him more than i miss him right now and i really want to just pick up the phone and tell him that i love him and miss him but i know i can't. i don't know when to start talking to him about us and i just don't want to do it over the phone. i hate to say this but i just wish he was going through the same emotions that i'm going through. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 nic2463, with regards to my situation, how do you suggest i get my ex to show up at my art exhibition in 3 weeks?? Send an e-mail to a bunch of your friends and include him on it. Don't make it about him- you're just letting your friends know about the exhibit. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Send an e-mail to a bunch of your friends and include him on it. Don't make it about him- you're just letting your friends know about the exhibit. Great idea! Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 ok ive been thinking , and i still really need him to remember in a better light. so how about this refined speech which i could send as an email: Hey, I know this is slightly random, and ideally I would have liked to tell you this in person, because it’s kind of the point of the message , but I just want to clarify that last week at the park, when I wanted to walk, it was also sort of my way of saying ‘lets be friends’ , but without ACTUALLY saying anything, but im not sure if that impression came accross. See im not the same girl that left your car that night, ive learnt a lot and I know I sure as hell won’t make the same mistakes again with anyone, ever. Ive been through too much to even DAree behaving that way ever again, and ive grown up, im past that now. Nevertheless, ive accepted the opportunity I had with you is ruined. I had a chance and I messed up. So Id like to apologise for being so pushy in December, it embarrasses me to even think of the things I said.. and in spite of everything, I’d still really very much like it if we could be friends, if you’d like. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 16, 2008 Author Share Posted February 16, 2008 by the way feel free to still tell me not to send it/or edit it even more/cut out the bits that seem needy and weak Link to comment
Daria_Lane Posted February 16, 2008 Share Posted February 16, 2008 Did you sincerely read all the advice given in response to your letter? Link to comment
nic2463 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Dont send it.It will make you look weak.Less is more in your situation. I Know your gutted and love the guy but if you send this email it will just reafirm that your a slave to his love.Get the attraction back,ignore him,your having a great time.This is the only way that he will come running back. Link to comment
nic2463 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 i don't know how to even begin talking to him. has it even been enough time to start talking about this? the last 24 hours have been such an emotional rollercoaster for me. i have never missed him more than i miss him right now and i really want to just pick up the phone and tell him that i love him and miss him but i know i can't. i don't know when to start talking to him about us and i just don't want to do it over the phone. i hate to say this but i just wish he was going through the same emotions that i'm going through. Just send a txt or email explaining how you feel and then leave it at that.If your emotional theres no point in talking by phone.Im sure he knows how you feel so the best way would be the toughest do nothing. Use those tips and you have a chance but if you contact him now it will just drive him away more.Get the attraction back! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 ok ive been thinking , and i still really need him to remember in a better light. The only way you are going to achieve that is by backing off and not sending him these needy, "oh wow look at me, I am the new improved me.. see...look...over here...can't you tell I am so different". What you are doing now is reminiscent of the kid in school who raises his hand to be picked to answer the teacher's question..and when the teacher is not looking in his direction, he tries to catch her attention by flinging his hand up in the air, bouncing up and down on his seat and repeatedly whining, oh please, pick me, I know the answer....you know what the teacher typically does...chooses someone who has his hand up but is calm, quiet, patient and not making a spectacle. Link to comment
nic2463 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 The only way you are going to achieve that is by backing off and not sending him these needy, "oh wow look at me, I am the new improved me.. see...look...over here...can't you tell I am so different". What you are doing now is reminiscent of the kid in school who raises his hand to be picked to answer the teacher's question..and when the teacher is not looking in his direction, he tries to catch her attention by flinging his hand up in the air, bouncing up and down on his seat and repeatedly whining, oh please, pick me, I know the answer....you know what the teacher typically does...chooses someone who has his hand up but is calm, quiet, patient and not making a spectacle. Exactly,dont do anything its the only way. Link to comment
sara1 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Dont torture yourself about the importance of letting him know you want friendship.Even from that he will know you still have feelings for him. If you want things to work in your favour use my tips.All the girls i have rekindled interest in after dumping them was because they kept out of touch. This is great advice. I needed to read this tonight as im in my 23rd day of NC. Link to comment
sara1 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 From that message i would know your not over the end of the relationship.So he will have all the power. Tips to get back with a fella. 1/new look/hairstyle 2/act as if you dont give a toss and your enjoying life,dating etc 3/remind him of what hes lost. 4/dont contact him let him do the contacting Regarding "remind him of what he's lost", how long would you recommend NC. What if you go NC for 30 or 60 days and he doesn't contact you. Do you think it's best to stay NC until the guy makes contact? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Regarding "remind him of what he's lost", how long would you recommend NC. What if you go NC for 30 or 60 days and he doesn't contact you. Do you think it's best to stay NC until the guy makes contact? If the guy dumped you then it is best to give him what he wants...your absense. If he changes his mind, he will be in touch. You should not break NC just because he hasn't been in touch for 30 days, 60 days, 90 days whatever. There is no point...if he wants you back, he will beat a path to your door and make it clear he wants to re-build. NC is not playing a game of who blinks first...it is for the dumpee to heal and move on with their life. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 If the guy dumped you then it is best to give him what he wants...your absense. If he changes his mind, he will be in touch. You should not break NC just because he hasn't been in touch for 30 days, 60 days, 90 days whatever. There is no point...if he wants you back, he will beat a path to your door and make it clear he wants to re-build. NC is not playing a game of who blinks first...it is for the dumpee to heal and move on with their life. I agree with all of the above. I think a lot of people mistakenly view NC as a strategy to get someone to miss them. It simply doesn't work that way, just as hanging around, being friends and "hoping they'll see how great I am/how much I've changed and want me back" doesn't generally work either. It is hard, I know. I can't go totally NC with my ex, because I work with him. The thought of never being with him again is very painful for me, but it's reality, and I have to face it. No "strategy" -- not NC, not LC, not giving him "one final speech" is going to change that. If he ever wanted me back, HE would decide that on his own, and nothing I could do or say would lead him to that decision. It's hard to acknowledge to ourselves that someone does not want to be with us anymore and that we have to move on. Once we do acknowledge it, though, things get just a little bit easier every day. Link to comment
sara1 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Thanks Crazyaboutdogs and browneeyedgirls. It will be hard to remain NC knowing that he may never contact me again despite that we never argued, no drifting apart and the only drama was the break-up. He may be moving away for a job and actually may have moved already. I have no idea. Anyway, despite the difficulty in remaining NC, now, i think i can stay strong. I will try to move on and find someone better for me. Link to comment
nic2463 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 I agree with all of the above. I think a lot of people mistakenly view NC as a strategy to get someone to miss them. It simply doesn't work that way. Sorry cant agree with that.My experience of girls i have dumped and who cut contact totally has made me think of them.In one instance i tried to contact her but she did not respond.I still think of 2 girls who cut contact totally with me and would love to see them again. Link to comment
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