Is he in serious denial or is he just ignoring me?

[floridagirlal]

Quick History:

 

Married 12 years, 3 girls ages 10,9,4.

 

November 2006 - Told him I wanted a divorce

 

February 2007 - started counseling as a couple and individually

 

August 2007 - Filed for divorce and asked him to move out

 

January 28th, 2008 - He still wouldn't move out so we went to court for a temporary needs and custody hearing. I agreed to give him 30 days to move out as long as he moved into his own, suitable place for the children. He was specifically told that he would not be able to move in with his nasty brother.

 

Last night, he asked me for sex and I told him absolutely no because it's too confusing for us to engage in that activity in our situation. He asked me what situation I was referring to. I reminded him that he has 30 days to have a new place to live. He then started acting like he had never heard this information and was asking me if I wanted him to move in with his brother while I'm out of town next week. I reminded him that he was specifically not allowed to move to his brother's house (he has a mother, sister and a vacant house all in our town). He blew up at me and started asking where I expected him to go. I just don't understand how he could act like he wasn't aware of this arrangement. We act very civil and can even have some fun together and maybe he has been confused by the fact that I'm not outright hating him. I've never changed my mind about the divorce.

 

I probably should add that through all of these months since I've filed for divorce, he has not responded to his attorney's requests for information, etc. His attorney notified him that he would no longer be representing him after the temporary needs hearing that we had on 1/28. His attorney said that he had the Ostrich Syndrome (sticking his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away). This is very similar to the way that our life has been. He has avoided all issues from getting a job to maintaining our home. I choose not to live like this anymore.

 

anyone have any thoughts to share?

[Sunshine75]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.

 

I've had to deal with an ex who had "Ostrich Syndrome." Thankfully, it wasn't a divorce I had to go through with him, just his ignoring the fact that we were done.

 

There wasn't anything specifically that I could do to show him that we were truly done. Even after several months and the fact that I was seeing someone else he STILL was asking me how I could do that to him(see someone else)?!?!?! I just kept moving forward without him. Eventually he got it, but it was horribly annoying.

 

I hope things go smoothly for you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, sometimes people do this... he just doesn't like any of his alternatives, so he is just ignoring them and becoming dead weight. But from the sound of it, he is being consistent in how he behaves... this is what he does in all areas of his life.

 

So you need to just push forward and do what you have to do. He also can't just keep ignoring a judge's orders, and eventually the judge will put him out if he refuses to deal with it. If you get to the end of the 30 days, find somewhere else to store his stuff and change the locks.

 

Be careful with the sex thing though... in many jurisdictions, if you have sex with the spouse after you file, the divorce 'clock' starts over in terms of any waiting periods to get the divorce because it is considered a reconciliation. perhaps he knows this and is trying to find some other way to stall things. or else he just really is mental in not 'getting' it is over.

 

I think with someone like this you need to keep reminding him that he has until X date if you see no progress towards him moving out. Talk to your lawyer, but you might have the right at the end of 30 days to move his stuff to storage and change your locks.

[floridagirlal]

Cosmos,

 

I thought that this was a support site. I didn't realize that I was being judged for my actions.

 

I would also like to say that it seems that a few men on the board use the term "Walk Away Wife" to refer to any wife that has made a decision to leave her husband. At what point does a person, whether it's a husband or wife, have the right to make a decision and not be classified into a generalized category? It seems to me that you would want to know more of my story before making such a comment.

 

The info that I didn't bother to tell you in my original post was that this man has cheated on me numerous times, refused to maintain stable jobs (I work FT and always have), and has a drug and alcohol addiction. We have been to counseling many, many times and there has been no lasting change. I have encouraged addiction programs for him and supported him when he "tried" to change each time.

 

I resent that you would refer to me as a "Walk Away Wife" without having the facts to back up your claim.

 

Sounds more to me like you have a chip on your shoulder from your own wife leaving you. If this is any indication of your usual attitude, I know why she did.......

[sweetpea]

It's simple. You have already been to court, and from what I understand you have an order in place that he must leave. When 30 days comes and goes, you go back to court and get an order.

 

Then the nice policeman show up at the door and tell him to pack a bag and get out, and if he returns, he is arrested. You will be surprised at how fast reality sets in when that happens.

[floridagirlal]

I contacted my attorney who responded to let me know that he had drawn up an order but forgot to send it to my husband's attorney. So, at this point, no order has been entered into the court system that would require the husband to move out. My attorney's secretary/paralegal told me to be patient....wrong thing to say to me at this point!!!

 

My first question is, How would you handle getting the husband out over the weekend since there is no official order recorded in the court system?

 

Second question is, How would you handle my attorney who obviously fell down on his job? I paid this guy $5500....not small change. He should be more focused on my case. Agree?

[confusedmama]

I actually painted the master bedroom purple, moved all the furniture to the garage, got my own furniture moved into the master bedroom and simply waited. When he asked I told him he was welcome to sleep on the sofa in the basement but NOT in my room.

 

Up until this point HE had been in the master bedroom & I had been in the guest room downstairs. I think this was the only time he believed me when I said we were done. The other 12 months I must have only been moving my mouth.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Unfortunately, $5500 is chump change to an attorney. Probably was one of his paralegals or admins who forgot to mail things. If you incur any additional expenses from his missing the deadline, after your husband is out, talk to the attorney and try to get that deducted from his bill.

 

i think you should sit your husband down again and say, 'well, the 30 days are up, when are you out?' if he continues to ignore you, then you just need to go into the mode where you act as if he doesn't exist. tell him very firmly again that it is over, and you have nothing left to say to him. Then don't talk to him again while he is in the house. you have to give him *no* reward for his continued presense there, in fact, make it uncomfortable for him. don't fight with him, nothing, just turn off as if he doesn't exist. don't respond to him or talk to him. he needs to understand very clearly that it is over, and there is no reward for him hanging around.

 

in the meantime, try to stay out of the house as much as possible til the order comes thru. you are in the home stretch now. just keep bugging your attorney every day until you hear that he is moving along and doing what he should, and that the order has been filed.

[zamboa]

Lord....I hate to say it but, I feel like your husband in a way. My ex keeps telling me its over, but, I just dont want to hear it. He has been verbally abusive to me...and told me he doesnt want me he is done. I just keep ignoring him and hoping for a change of heart. I hate that I feel this way....I pray things work out for you so the transition is easier for the both of you.