I lost my soulmate

[Wonderland]

Well, I'm back.

 

If you remember me, I was in an abuse relationship for about 2 years.

 

I found my courage and moved out. Came back to live with my parents where I was safe and started to heal. Or so I thought.

 

8 months later, I met the guy who could not have been a more perfect match for me. He was everything my abusive ex was not. He was a gentleman, he was chivalrous, and he was practically my personality twin. he was in the military and lived a state away, but we had a fantastic relationship regardless.

 

Everywhere we went together, complete strangers would approach us and tell us that we were the cutest couple they'd ever seen. That it just seemed like we were made for each other. And that is no exaggeration. Strangers would just walk right up to us at the gas station, the mall, the movies, etc.

 

I thought God had finally sent me my soulmate.

 

Well, he received orders to deploy and go to war about 7 months into our relationship. Not long after, he asked me to marry him. I was ecstatic. And so was he.

 

He shipped off and I made a promise to wait for him to come home.

 

But war tore him up something fierce while he was away. This was his 4th deployment so he knew what he was doing and what he was to face while gone. This time however, it was too much for him. He saw more than I'll ever know about and it turned him into someone I didn't know.

 

 

 

While he was gone, I locked myself in my room most nights after work and became severly depressed. I worried so much about him that I had to take myself to the doctor, and she put me on antidepressants. The medication however made me sick to my stomach and I often vomited after taking them. So I stopped taking the pills and started dragging myself out of the house. I spent most weeknights at my best friends' houses, just watching movies and enjoying their company. Weekends were spent going to see local bands play or going to the movies with those same friends. I always had my cell phone on me and very very VERY rarely ever missed his calls.

 

It seemed to me that he had a lot of downtime over there. When not in combat, he was online all day. He started obsessing over my myspace page. Questioning me about my friendslist (which hadn't changed since he'd come along, unless it was to add friends or family of his) and suddenly became suspicious of my closest friends. He accused my guy friends of being interested in me, even though they'd been my friends for years and most had girlfriends of their own. He'd call me up and if I was not at home, he'd hangup on me after I told him where I was. He became mean and controlling, tried to tell me what was okay and not okay to wear out, and often picked fights over nothing.

 

When he knew I was with my friends, he'd call and yell at me on the phone and I often had to leave and return home in tears just to continue fighting with him online or over the phone.

 

One night while I was at the pool hall with my friends, I got a text message from his cell phone (purchased overseas) and it read "YOU LIEING CHEATING * * * * * ! YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER CHEAT ON ME HUH? YOU ARE A LIAR AND I HATE YOU!! DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN! * * * * YOU, WE'RE DONE"

 

I was shocked. I read it several times and still could not figure out what was happening. My friends saw the look on my face and asked me what was wrong. I set the phone on the table and let them see what had just been sent to me.

 

Not five minutes after, he called. He went off on me and told me basically where I could shove it and demanded I tell him the name and details of my little escapade. Now, I was so head over heals for this man that I would not have looked in the direction of another guy if even I was being paid to do so. He was my heart and my life and there was nothing in this world that could have made me even consider touching another man. He said he had received an email stating that I was cheating on him. When asked who sent the email, he could not tell me. When I asked to see the email, he said it'd been deleted. When I asked him to retreive the message from his trash bin, he said it was not there...

 

That is where our relationship ended. Later that night he called back and said he was sorry, but he just wanted to know the truth. I told him that I'd never touched anyone else or even thought about touching anyone else. The next day he called and apologized. He made several more apologetic calls, but I told him I really had to think on whether or not this was a healthy relationship for either of us.

 

A few days later, I received a forwarded message from a girl I did not know on myspace. She was young, blonde, and pretty much a 10... The message she sent was a conversation between her and my fiancee. They were flirting back and forth and at one point he told her she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. She was on his mind all day and he looked forward to talking to her. At another point in the conversation, he said he'd be thinking about a certain picture of hers while he was in the shower... I asked him about this conversation. He did not deny it. It broke my heart. I told him I could not be with him.

 

Basically, I'm still hurting from it all.

 

I'm so scared that I'm never going to have that again. You know, the "perfectness" of the relationship. The part where we're so cute that we make other people sick.

 

I'm dating again, but I know I haven't completely healed.

 

Can you help me? Can anyone give me suggestions as to how to heal? Its been 4 months now, and I just want to stop hurting.

[Pocket Rocket]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this hun, it always hurts a lot when our hopes and dreams are shattered like that. I think you may be falling into another relationship with a abusive person. Try as we might, unless we've worked through our emotional stuff and healed from relationship we tend to gravitate towards the same sort of people. No matter what the reason, the kind of person your fiancee used to be and the person he is now is one and the same (make sure you never separate the two otherwise you may end up going back every time he apologises).

 

Often until we heal we tend to go for the same person even if the signs aren't obvious outright. I'm sure you didn't know your ex was abusive and you were likely very much in love with him too, until his true colours showed. If he becomes abusive it is NOT your fault, nothing you do should ever excuse ANYONE from talking like that to you. And if he isn't treating you well he is NOT your soul-mate, no matter how perfect he may have been before the fact is that he is not the best person for you to be with right now. Your real soulmate, the one who will never go out of his way to hurt you and will have your best interests at heart IS out there, but judging from what I've read in your post, it isn't this guy.

 

One of the things I'm going to suggest to you is, if you can afford it, go see a professional and talk about this, you don't have to be crazy or flawed to go to therapy, just have your own best interests at heart and see it as a tool towards healing. I've also been reading the following blog which has been amazingly helpful for me and it does give you tips on how to deal with what you're going through:

 

link removed

 

Hard as it may be for you to believe it, the right person for you IS out there. What you can do now is work on yourself and know that you deserve all the love and care in the world, and then some.

 

Although I've cycled through most of the feelings of my last breakup, I am currently reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson - I'm not through all of it yet but it is a great book for breakups, it has some interesting exercises in it that help you go through what your feeling. I can't say it'll work for everyone but it's helped me a lot and I haven't even finished the book.

 

Sorry to be repeating myself but you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be with someone who knows that and is true to that. That someone IS out there. Feel free to PM me when you're feeling down, I'm here to listen if you just need to talk.

 

Take care,

Pocket

[Wonderland]

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the things you have posted.

 

I very much appreciate you even taking the time to give me such advise.

 

Bless you hun.

[MorbidMetalHead87]

I have lost my one and only soulmate to. My advice to you is when some one tells you crying wont do anything. Do not listen to them, crying DOSE help it may not take away the probblem but I dose get out your negitive emotions so you can think stright. When you think stright you can think positive. And When Someone says to you should should just get over it. Once again Don't listen to them. Because dispite the fact you need to be strong, just getting over it is very unrealistic, you would need to be a super human for that. Time is what you need. Because you are you, and there is nothing wrong with that.

[Bunney]

Don't worry, he isn't and has NEVER been your soulmate. Soulmates stay together and won't betray one another. The time that you thought was so perfect was just the honeymoon phase, a wonderful time that you will share with a lot of other guys in the future. Don't worry about this one, he's a loser and a jerk, and you deserve so much better. He's just so pathetic.

 

Feel glad that he's shown you his true colors before you've gotten more involved with him!

[Aleadragonhawk]

A guy who accuses you of cheating, yells at you, calls you names, and fantasizes over other women is not your soulmate. Counseling might be worth looking into, you've gone through a lot and talking about it with a professional might help. Don't be in a hurry to get into another relationship.

[HajiMaji]

Ok, I think I have some advice, but getting through this is really hard.

 

1. Realize that your ex was a bad candidate for a partner in many ways, and there was no way he would change in a timeframe healthy to your (or his) life.

 

So much of love is focusing on another's growth. This guy was not a growing person. We all have faults. Most of us know this and actively try to make ourselves better people. Or perhaps better said, we try to live as good people in all of our situations. As a lover, you can help bring this out and remind someone of this, but in his case he was so far removed from any form of respectable.

 

2. Realize that he was emotionally abusive.

 

This is important for you because the way he spoke with you really hurt your self esteem. I am strong and confident, yet I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. When we love someone, it is hard for us to realize when they are damaging us. Often we just think about what we can do to help them and what we can do to love them better. This is fine in a sense, but when your partner isnt on the same page it damages your sense of self. Know that since you were in a relationship like this, your self esteem will be a little shot. Thats ok. You will get it back. I did. Just give yourself a little extra forgiveness with this whole thing.

 

3. Love who you are.

 

What I mean by this is who you are, what you stand for, what you are trying to get out of life is important for you. It doesnt matter what your ex thought of you. You arent responsible for his faults and what he brought to the relationship. Realize who you are, and love it. If you have some things you want to work on, work on them. Sometimes, I can be arrogant when I am in a fight, and it is something I work on. Im not upset that I get arrogant. I still love myself. I cannot be upset about it because I am trying to get better at it.

 

If you dont love yourself much, get to know yourself a little better. Soon thereafter you will love yourself again. I found that after a bad break up with a bad partner, it took me a while to feel whole again. It took a while to feel like I was a good person. But, feeling like you are a great is very important to your own sanity!!!

 

I am very proud of you for getting yourself out of this situation. Emotions can be so strong, but you were able to see what was important for you. Additionally, you are posting on this site and trying to get through it. Soon enough you will get through this messy time, and you will have a lot of street cred for it. I am sorry that everything hurts so bad.

 

And for me, the emotional abuse thing was hard to deal with after the break up. It really messed with my sense of self. In time though, it gets better. It gets better in terms of the amount of pain you feel but also in how much confidence you have.