greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 What is the minimum acceptable time frame that must pass before I can actively pursue a friend of mines ex girlfriend? general details that people feel may play into this... 1) she ended it 2) broke up with him because he sucks at life, is an alcoholic & drug user, cannot hold down a job, has ruined her credit, he continuously lied to her about everything. 3) they dated for just over 3 years, lived together for most of that time, recently moved out and he is moving halfway accross the country. 4) she wants nothing to do with him 5) the guy was one of my college roommates and has been a good friend for 10+ years from discussing this with a couple of my other friends I've got about an average of 1 month minimum before asking out on a date or anything...2 month minimum before entering into any kind of relationship with her... whats the ENA masses think?? thanks in advance for your responses and feel free to fire away with any questions!! Link to comment
Syntax Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 You seem a bit harsh in your description of him as a friend....sucks at life etc etc.. Personally, i would never go out with any of my friends exs, no matter how much time had passed, unless i was no longer friends with them..... Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 You seem a bit harsh in your description of him as a friend....sucks at life etc etc.. Personally, i would never go out with any of my friends exs, no matter how much time had passed, unless i was no longer friends with them..... the guy has alienated the vast majority of his friends...he is hard to maintain a friendship with because it is very much one sided....as in its all about him or nothing. the "sucks at life" comment is one of his own...and hers Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I thought you said you were staying away from women for a while? well, i would say never... plenty of other people in the world to choose from... doesn't matter what the reasons are. In your corcumstances i would say no. just my opinion, of course!! Link to comment
Syntax Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 so why you mates with him? Link to comment
doyathink Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 If it were a true friend of mine...the answer would be never. Link to comment
Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 from the way you describe him date her right away i dont see how ya'll frineds. but in all seriousness, why in hell would u be thinking of dating her right now if you are? she just got out of it Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 I thought you said you were staying away from women for a while? Hey!! a month is a "while"....isn't it?? so why you mates with him? because I feel obligated to in some aspects. he and I have been through a lotta it together...we live a couple hours from eachother and only see eachother like 5-6 times a year...so its not like we hang out a whole lot or anything. other then that there are times when he can be one of the most fun human beings on the planet...a really good time. and he can be a great friend when he wants to be...it just doesn't happen all the time. Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 from the way you describe him date her right away i dont see how ya'll frineds. but in all seriousness, why in hell would u be thinking of dating her right now if you are? she just got out of it I'm not thinking of dating her right now...I understand she just got out of it and I am planing on giving her plenty of time off... part of the reason is that I really fell for this girl about a year ago...I got hammered and told her that one night...she said she had a big crush on me too...but neither of us could do anything because she was with him and all that.... but now... Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 If it were a true friend of mine...the answer would be never. Agreed. It's pretty lame behavior, especially since this guy is going through such a rough spot in his life. Instead of supporting him you're going to try and date his ex?? Link to comment
Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 im sorry but you being 30 and asking this question when shes been on the market for only a month surprises me to be honest, this is more of a question i think a 16 year old would ask. you know what to do greeny, i woudlnt take her if the option became available, you might piss away whats left of you and your mates friendship. this might be more surprising than that post you made about that slow girl that thought china was the capitol of iowa Link to comment
Pegasus Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 It's hard to tell - I mean, she could be preparing that breakup for a while and is totally over him and relationship so month could be enough. This is a situation where you should play by ear. Why not asking her for a friendly activity like ice scating or whatever you do where you live to hang out and see for yourself where she is? Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 im sorry but you being 30 and asking this question when shes been on the market for only a month surprises me to be honest, this is more of a question i think a 16 year old would ask. you know what to do greeny, i woudlnt take her if the option became available, you might piss away whats left of you and your mates friendship. this might be more surprising than that post you made about that slow girl that thought china was the capitol of iowa see...at 16 I would expect answers like "you can never date your friends ex" but at this age its like aren't we all adults here? which is why I'm tossing the question out.... and this girl is much better than the dumb one I was dating...hell..this girl has a graduate degree in micro-biology or some crazy science ... It's hard to tell - I mean, she could be preparing that breakup for a while and is totally over him and relationship so month could be enough. This is a situation where you should play by ear. Why not asking her for a friendly activity like ice scating or whatever you do where you live to hang out and see for yourself where she is? we live in Texas...we don't have ice here. but she lives about a 4 hour drive from me and so we cant quite just go out for fun through a convenient means...her and I actually meeting up would take effort... and your right...she has been breaking up with him since last August...she broke up with him probably 8 times over the last 6 months and finally this time its going to actually stick Link to comment
Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 see...at 16 I would expect answers like "you can never date your friends ex" but at this age its like aren't we all adults here? which is why I'm tossing the question out.... and this girl is much better than the dumb one I was dating...hell..this girl has a graduate degree in micro-biology or some crazy science $hit... mmmmhhmmmmmm......me and my friend are 30 years old, she was dating him for awhile 3 years and dumped him, hey why dont i go in for the kill and take his ex, by 30 no one gets heartbroken anymore, its accecptable to date someone your frined just broke up with i mean c'mon we all adults arent we? no ones going to get hurt. and we both are going to live happily ever after knowing that im screwing the girl my best friend possibly loved. and possibly still loved and being that the fact that we still hang out i have to see that my friend is banging my recent ex, but i guess i'll just hold it in, you know its all ok Link to comment
melrich Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 she has been breaking up with him since last August...she broke up with him probably 8 times over the last 6 months and finally this time its going to actually stick So sounds like he has been working to keep things going? I don't know if there is a right or wrong or an appropriate timeframe. I do think that if you guys decided to start a relationship you would have to accept that there is a big risk that one of the costs will be your friendship with this guy. Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 What is the minimum acceptable time frame that must pass before I can actively pursue a friend of mines ex girlfriend? When you are ready to accept that you'll loose him as a friend for good. Sounds like you might be. Link to comment
Pegasus Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 we live in Texas...we don't have ice here. but she lives about a 4 hour drive from me and so we cant quite just go out for fun through a convenient means...her and I actually meeting up would take effort... and your right...she has been breaking up with him since last August...she broke up with him probably 8 times over the last 6 months and finally this time its going to actually stick If you're really interested, will 4 hours drive stop you from seeing her? ;-). Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 mmmmhhmmmmmm......me and my friend are 30 years old, she was dating him for awhile 3 years and dumped him, hey why dont i go in for the kill and take his ex, by 30 no one gets heartbroken anymore, its accecptable to date someone your frined just broke up with i mean c'mon we all adults arent we? no ones going to get hurt. and we both are going to live happily ever after knowing that im screwing the girl my best friend possibly loved. and possibly still loved and being that the fact that we still hang out i have to see that my friend is banging my recent ex, but i guess i'll just hold it in, you know its all ok oh come now SBJ...you know thats not what I was thinking. he is mad at her and is going out of his way right now to do things to hurt her...I've called him on this stuff and told him that he's being a jerkfaceand he has said "F" her on many different occasions... I dunno... I'm not here saying that this is perfect...far from it...I'm saying that as grown ups aren't we all a little more understanding of things? I mean...this guy is moving half way around the country to get away from his current situation and her and he is starting his life over pretty much...he is removing himself from the whole deal...so I don't think he is going to be sitting alone on friday nights in his car outside her place crying about it. Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 If you're really interested, will 4 hours drive stop you from seeing her? ;-). no, it wont. but then again, if I did take that step to drive that distance to see her then it would be out in the public and well known by all our friends exactly whats going on. understand this...I have one super huge group of friends thats in 3 main locations...and we are all a very close nit group. so when someone starts dating someone else or whatever, then everyone knows about it...and in the eyes of our group of friends they think that there would be nothing wrong with me dating her...its just a matter of timing. considering that my friend brought her into our little group and she became friends with everyone while he was busy ruining his friendships with everyone it now leaves her in our little circle and him on the outside pushing away further. damn...writing this all down makes it sound like I'm in a damn soap opera Link to comment
Rosey Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I guess it's about what feels right for you in the end. If you're just after personal opinions though... well as a general rule of thumb I'd be giving it at least 6 months before even thinking about pursuing anything - 3 years in a relationship is a long time, and even if she broke up with him, she'll probably still have things she needs to work through. One month really isn't very long in my opinion, especially as your friend might well still be upset about the breakup. Would look a bit insensitive to be asking out his ex at that point I think. Maybe re-evaluate in a year or so?? Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 Maybe re-evaluate in a year or so?? She'll be off the market in a year...hell...she'll be off the market in 3 months... cute girls that are educated, funny, friendly, have a good job, love sports and are super fun don't stay single for a year... some dude will luck out and scoop her up asap Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 i'd discuss it with him. 'hey what do you think of me taking ____ out?' me and my friends have a pact. keep exs out of the circle. no problems, drama, and no jealousy can arise. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Okay... after reading all posts, I think what you have to do is very very clear. You need to sit down with a case, yes I said a case, of beer and talk about this with your friend. If you do decide to go after her, he's gonna find out, and if this were going to happen to me, I'd hope that the person was man enough to come to me about it first. This is the only solution for you to even think about keeping this relationship with your pal, and getting the girl (that is if she will even go for it once the advance on your part is made~ three years is a mighty long time). You have to suck it up and go directly to the source of where the friction would be. Just sit him down and say buddy, I of all people didn't think this was going to happen but I fell for whats-her-name. I didn't plan it but I wanted to be man enough to come to you and tell you how I feel. Tell him that you care for her and want to be good to her. If he really did love her he would want to know that she is happy and with a man that was good to her, that is, if he really did love her. Now with your friendship, it might be a little trickier... I mean what type of guy is he? Based on your brief depiction of him, he doesn't seem like this is gonna be a huge blow, I mean, if he doesn't really care about life that much. Be sure to explain that you want to continue your friendship somehow and that's why you felt it necessary to talk with him BEFORE taking any kind of action on your feelings. Well, do you think you can do this with him? Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 i'd discuss it with him. 'hey what do you think of me taking ____ out?' me and my friends have a pact. keep exs out of the circle. no problems, drama, and no jealousy can arise. good idea... see...my friends and I used to have this same sort of pact back in college...but since college and guys have been getting married it seems like the married girls make such good friends with the ones that are just dating guys that even if they break up then they still come to all the parties and stuff and eventually hook up with another one of the guys... its like this...we have about 20 core guys that we have all been friends since college...all still hang out regularly...15 of them are married...and the 5 of us that aren't married have almost all dated at least 1 girl that someone else has dated... I know I know...its weird when you write it all out...but its like we are just a big family...and whenever we bring someone into this family we don't want to see them go... case in point...one of my friends dated a girl all through college...they broke up shortly after school and she started dating another good friend of mine about 3 months after that and they are now married with a kid and everythign is all kosher... I dunno...think this is a case by case situation and I just need to let it play out for a while before even thinking about stuff Link to comment
greenmonster Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 If he really did love her he would want to know that she is happy and with a man that was good to her, that is, if he really did love her. see, the weird thing is that durring all this he has said stuff like "I want you to date her...you're the only one I trust to take care of her" and "take care of her for me...I know you will" and "you two are better for eachother that her and I" he said all this stuff when he was talking about killing himself if he didn't get this job.... Well, do you think you can do this with him? ya..I can do this...I agree with you and ghost that this might be the best course of action... might need a bottle of whiskey instead of the case of beer...but either way I think that talking this out is a good idea and at least getting it out in the open to him first from me instead of him hearing about it through the grapevine is the best course of action. thanks sugar Link to comment
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