question for the boys. staying friends with a boy who wanted more

[Lucy_lou]

Wow, this is the most confronting and challenging thread I've been the subject of.

 

So to move it along (if anyone's still listening), grymoire, to answer your question,

 

I really think that you are not an American. If you don't mind can you please tell me from which country you are? Your frequent usage of the terms 'superior' and 'inferior' sound very odd to me.

 

I'm an Aussie. Shhhh.

 

 

By superior what exactly do you mean?

wow, everyone's clinging onto that word! it really got a reaction didn't it. Well, when I say we're not equal (and the word superior echoes in your minds), I mean, as I said already, that he doesn't satisfy me in the ways I need (i.e. to grow). His conversations don't stretch me or challenge me as much as I need to feel satisfied. If I don't feel like I'm growing, and I'm not having a fantastic laugh either (and humour is also tied in with intelligence), then I'm inclined to walk away. When my mind is being satisfied, that's when I'm most likely to be attracted to someone. It's just the way I am. Intelligence (of certain kinds - usually emotional/psychological/social, not technical) turns me on. It's not a choice.

 

Anyway, regardless, the thing I'm being criticised for most her is that I did give him a chance. I knew I was incapable of being attracted to him, but I kept him in my life and that was cruel, righ?

 

 

 

 

I think what you did was extremely selfish and if I were the guy and realized what happened, I would be extremely pissed off.

 

Whether you realize it or not, you used him to satisfy whatever mood you were in and have no long term perspective on the relationship. Friendship is a long term relationship and you are acting on impulsive urges.

 

This is true. Although I think the word extremely is a bit extreme. I am selfish. I generally assume that that's ok as long as I'm not hurting or decieving anyone. This boy know's I'm selfish. It's been clear to him from early on I think that I was just having some fun. He's always put up a bit of a guard around me, cause he knows my nature.

 

As for Jaded's post, no, I'm not in therapy. And yes, you may have a point that self esteem issues are playing a strong part in my problems. but I will repeat for the other posters (for the millionth time) that this was not a way of me having my ego stroked. I never got off on him being attracted to me. I found it to be a problem, but I wanted his friendship and I guess I was irresponsible in chosing to ignore it and proceed in being buddies. It was just so nice to have someone who was interested in me and my life, and my thoughts, my company. I was interested in him and his life too, but as I've said, more in a way where I was mainly wanting to help him. I saw room for my advice and instinctively I wanted to provide it. (he needs therapy too). That was the only way to make talking about him and his life satisfying to me intellectually and emotionally.

 

I do have big self esteem issues. I'm arrogant, and I hate everybody, but I feel very small a lot of the time.

 

I also have a lot of issues with guys, so using this nice boy for sex, and choosing not to take responsibility after noticing him having feelings for me was just thoughtless and irresponsible.

 

And I wasn't going to post it, because you'll all just yell at me, but it gets worse. I slept with one of his mates a few years ago. I also don't invite him to hang out with my friends because I think they'll judge him really harshly. So him hanging out with me often involves a lot of feeling not that important to me. It's mean now that I go through it all on here, and hear all your opinions. But still, at the end of the day, I like him and he likes me. We both like hanging out together and he's happy to see me when he does, and I am happy to hang out with him too. I'm still unsure of whether to take all your advice too seriously. But you've definitely got me thinking and I'm going to pay a lot more attention to him and his feelings now.

[grymoire]

Hi Lucy,

 

If I don't feel like I'm growing, and I'm not having a fantastic laugh either (and humour is also tied in with intelligence), then I'm inclined to walk away. When my mind is being satisfied, that's when I'm most likely to be attracted to someone. It's just the way I am. Intelligence (of certain kinds - usually emotional/psychological/social, not technical) turns me on. It's not a choice.

Ok if that's how you get attracted to people then that's totally fine. And from what you are saying your friend does not fit into that category and so there is no way you can have a relationship with him. Again that is your choice. I think you are making the right decision. One question though -> How did you sleep with him if you are not attracted to him?

 

I knew I was incapable of being attracted to him, but I kept him in my life and that was cruel, righ?

No. You are not cruel for wanting a friendship with him despite knowing that he has feelings for you. However it is cruel to be friends with some one knowing that they have feelings for you and yet mislead them through actions (like hopping on with him in his bed), completely controlling everything in the friendship, referring him as your inferior behind his back, and mocking at him because he has reduced himself to a puddle of emotional and sexual neediness. You are really not a friend.

 

I'm arrogant, and I hate everybody, but I feel very small a lot of the time.

This is why you don't have many friends and a stable relationship. You clearly have some issues. You are holding on to the "I am superior, You are inferior" thing. Can you let go of it? I think your life will be much better if you do it.

 

I also don't invite him to hang out with my friends because I think they'll judge him really harshly.

So your friends are just like you. They will also label him as their inferior. Honestly I don't know what type of person you and your friends are.... May be a super high class elite people that sit on top of an ivory tower and keep judging everyone beneath them??

 

I strongly recommend that you do NOT be friends with this guy anymore. The following are the reasons:

 

1) It is not healthy for him as he will always be reading into your words and actions searching for hope and meaning even if you behave normally.

 

2) It is very clear that you don't consider him your equal for reasons that intrigue me very much. But they are your reasons. And hence it is your choice.

 

All the best!

 

PS: I really really want to be your friend

[Batya33]

I don't understand how "super high class" people can be arrogant or superior/condescending. Where i come from having class - or high class - means being the sort of person who is able to make other people feel comfortable in their own skins because of his sincerity and sincere charm/grace. I would think it would be tacky - not high class - to be arrogant or condescending.

[Superfreak]

I don't understand how "super high class" people can be arrogant or superior/condescending. Where i come from having class - or high class - means being the sort of person who is able to make other people feel comfortable in their own skins because of his sincerity and sincere charm/grace. I would think it would be tacky - not high class - to be arrogant or condescending.

 

The term refers to income, not "classy" behaviour.

[Batya33]

The term refers to income, not "classy" behaviour.

 

In my experience there is little or no correlation between income and arrogance/condescending behavior - it's just that if wealthy people behave that way since they're likely to be noticed more or in the public eye there's an (incorrect) link made between the income and the behavior.

[grymoire]

I don't understand how "super high class" people can be arrogant or superior/condescending. Where i come from having class - or high class - means being the sort of person who is able to make other people feel comfortable in their own skins because of his sincerity and sincere charm/grace. I would think it would be tacky - not high class - to be arrogant or condescending.

 

I am just assuming that since the OP considers herself superior she and her friends may belong to "super high class" group. But what exactly constitutes "high class" is of course another topic though.

[Batya33]

Yes and just commenting that if they have that attitude there is nothing "classy" about their behavior even though in some cultures they may be defined as "high class' just because of their income/assets. Which is sad.

[grymoire]

Yes and just commenting that if they have that attitude there is nothing "classy" about their behavior even though in some cultures they may be defined as "high class' just because of their income/assets. Which is sad.

 

Yes, I agree that it is superficial. But we are living in a world where people like Paris Hilton are considered to be high class not because of their behavior but because of wealth and status.

 

I still am very curious to specifically understand what makes the OP think she is superior.

[Lucy_lou]

I know this is a really long thread, and I commend you all for making it this far. But I suspect that if you all went over the whole thing and read all my posts, that you'd have different answers. A lot of the information I've included has been overlooked and the responses which all centre on the word superior are really a bit of a diversion from the real issues I've raised, and they're also overlooking the complexity. I'd really prefer responses to be well thought out if possible. I really think some of the recent posters are on their own trip at this point, and I am here because I am after some real help. (cheap skate, I know).

 

As for the (valid) question of why I slept with him when I wasn't attracted to him, the answer is that I was still figuring out what I was into. I was going through a promiscuous phase, and since I thought he was cute, and I couldn't think of a logical reason not to sleep with him, and since he wanted to, I just went ahead, (two consenting adults who want a shag, pure and simple). It was a time in my life when I had made a separation between sex and emotions. I didn't yet realise the importance of chemistry. And even if I was aware, the fact is that even without strong chemistry, a shag with a friend who's cute can be nice sometime. I'm different now. More of a romantic. I don't sleep with people unless there's serious fireworks.

[grymoire]

I'd really prefer responses to be well thought out if possible. I really think some of the recent posters are on their own trip at this point, and I am here because I am after some real help. (cheap skate, I know).

 

We are not on our own trip.... we are just responding to your posts. It is not us that chose to make a big thing about the word "superior" but rather it is there underlying almost all of your sentences in each of your posts...

 

But leaving that 'superior' thing alone I would still say that having a friendship with this person is NOT healthy for either of you. He will continue to pine and over-analyze your behavior and get heart-broken once you start dating some other guy. And you will always be concerned about him viewing you as more than a friend and in a sexual way. If you cannot completely cut off the friendship then the next best thing to do would be to maintain "limited contact" at least for now and then get close to him after he is over the strong feelings for you or gets a girlfriend.

[scotty77]

As others have mentioned it would be wise for you not to remain friends with this guy.I was in a similar situation recently.I developped strong feelings for a coworker who was acting very flirtatious with me but ultimately turned down my advances.Luckily I had a way out,I was able to transfer to a different unit so I don't have to see her anymore.She likely misses the fact that we aren't friends/coworkers anymore but it was something I had to do.Staying friends with the guy you mention will only cause him to secretly carry a torch for you and likely cause him emotional distress as you pursue other guys.

[Lucy_lou]

We are not on our own trip.... we are just responding to your posts.

 

He will continue to pine and over-analyze your behavior and get heart-broken once you start dating some other guy.

 

These are assumptions. Read my posts from the beginning to avoid more. He and I have always been like mates, and talk candidly about the other people we sleep with. I tell him about people I'm pursuing, people I've been with and don't give it a second thought, and he has been the same. We're friends. How do you know he has big feelings for me and doesn't just want a shag, and since I'm an alright looking chick who he gets along with, that he might just give it a shot. There was always a bit of that, and I'll never know to what extent his interest was that, and to what extent he may (or may not) have had feelings for me that might make him vulnerable. I really don't know. I said it earlier, but I'll repeat myself, that he admitted that he just wanted SOMEONE. He's used to being with someone. So it's not simply a matter of him having a thing for me. That, I believes gets me a bit off the hook. He wanted someone, wanted a shag, I was there etc. He's a nice guy, but he's also just a guy.

[grymoire]

Yes I am making assumptions because I am not there to see what exactly is going on between you two. I can only make assumptions from what I read here. And this is what I read in one of your posts:

 

 

 

To me it sounds like he is not keen on the friendship but wants something more. That is why I said a mere friendship will not work. May be he wants "friends with benefits" because he just wants someone? If that is the case would you be willing?

 

Also may I ask you why you are so interested in pursuing a friendship with this person? Can you meet some one else through your other friends?