Lucy_lou Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 So I've got this friend who I've been friends with for a few years. We don't hang out very often, but we like each other enough that we'll hang out when we can. (often in different towns). We had a brief fling at one time, and I think he's always had a bit of a thing for me, but I only ever saw him as a friend (though a cute one). So last time we caught up, he let me know he liked me and it was like he wanted to start something... another fling, a proper relationship... not sure, but I had to let him down. So my question is this. I think I could help him in some of the problem areas in his life. I care about him. But given that I've rejected him, do you think it's healthy for him If I pursue further contact in the context of friend/counsellor? Link to comment
deleted_x Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Depends on how much he likes you. If he is very serious about you, then pursuing a friendship will merely bring more harm than good. Also, if you do pursue a friendship - make it very clear to him that that is what you are doing. That you are not spending time with him to get closer to him, to possibly build up to a relationship; but that you care about him and would like to help him out - in a strictly platonic fashion. Best of luck - Omar Link to comment
bigthings46 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I agree with omar. I don't really see anything good coming from this though. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 So I've got this friend who I've been friends with for a few years. We don't hang out very often, but we like each other enough that we'll hang out when we can. (often in different towns). We had a brief fling at one time, and I think he's always had a bit of a thing for me, but I only ever saw him as a friend (though a cute one). Technically more than a friend if you were attracted to him enough to get sexual with him. I think I could help him in some of the problem areas in his life. I care about him. But given that I've rejected him, do you think it's healthy for him If I pursue further contact in the context of friend/counsellor? No. You cant be inpartial if he has feelings for you and niether can he. I should think that "counselling" is best left to "neutral' professionals. Link to comment
Lucy_lou Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 Technically more than a friend if you were attracted to him enough to get sexual with him. technically, maybe. But I was just promiscuous back then and now I'm not. He was cute, and I thought that would be enough for me, but in the end I just had to admit that I didn't see him as a man. I don't have many friends, and he and I have a lot of good reasons to stay friends, because 1. I have wisdom that I think is good for him. and 2. we are in similar fields professionally. I've always been the main instigator of contact (I've always been the boss), so if I don't try to keep up the contact, I very much doubt he will either. He's emotional, and I'm more mental. So here's the rest of the story. The last time I saw him, we ended up being a little bit intimate. (drunken mistake). In the end, it was clear that I didn't want to go there, and so our parting was tainted by my rejection of him (salt on old wounds no doubt). So either I initiate further contact in the friend context, or I leave it and probably never see him again. Should I just try one more time and leave the rest to him? Link to comment
LE DHUY NHUT Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Do not stay friends with someone who wants more if you can't give more.It's unfair to guys,many of whom hate to hear words like 'friend' and 'platonic'. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I would let him take the lead since you rejected the idea of a relationship and he is the more vulnerable one here. And be careful about defining therapist-patient relationships like the one you're describing as "friendship." Does it turn you on that he is into you even though you're not into him? Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Definitely not. I dont think your desire to be in a position of power over him will actually help him get over his "issues" and get on with his life. Along with your inability to stick to your guns (which from what you wrote is that you do not want to be with him) you will not be a true friend to him. He is a man and I am sure he can get through life one way or another without you. It seems you enjoy creating a codependant relationship where you keep him under you to meet your needs on your terms. But ultimately it is up to him to break free and make his own decisions about what your friendship means and how it will be played out. Link to comment
Lucy_lou Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 firstly, 85% of the time we've hung out has been as friends. The fling was just a blip in our friendship. onto the next question, no it does not turn me on that he's into me. But maybe I'm just desperate and lonely and the only way I can find a friend who is enthusiastic about hanging with me is if they're interested. I don't want to be friends with him if it is based on him hoping for more. I am under the impression that he values our friendship. But he is no doubt vulnerable and feeling sad and rejected. (he's been having bad luck with the ladies generally of late). I just think I have some relevance to him, and him to me. Worth being friends with each other if it's a possibility. Maybe I'll just keep up light contact, mainly by email on a mostly professional level (i.e. the stuff we both do professionally), and put the friendship stuff aside. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Count that 15% as 99% in his eyes. Link to comment
Censored Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Don't remain friends with him. It's unfortunate, but you will be HELPING by not helping. Just stay away. Link to comment
Lucy_lou Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 Count that 15% as 99% in his eyes. yeah, that's what I was afraid of. I guess I always suspected he was less up for a platonic friendship than me. I was hoping to lead the way by example. But he's reduced himself to a puddle of emotional, sexual neediness. I wish he was strong enough, or somehow valued our friendship more than he does, because I really think we have something to offer each other as friends. It's tough. I've just been reading another post about friendzoning, with a guy saying he isn't any good at being friends with girls if he's not attracted to them. I hate that with guys. They either won't be friends with you (because they're sizing you up on potential girlfriend criteria), or they do want to be friends, but either end up wanting more. Ugh! makes me less inclined to bother with friendships with straight males. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 From your last post it doesn't sound like you'd be a true friend to him given how critical you are of his human emotions and your arrogance in presuming that he should see you as a role model to toughen up. I have always had close platonic male friends - who are not gay. Some of them I dated, a few of them asked me out and I declined and we stayed friends - with open communication and letting them take the lead - and being respectful (!) and sensitive to the fact that they had wanted more at one time ti worked out great. One of them is now a very close friend and the asking out time is history and over a decade ago. Being desperate for friends is not the best mindset for friendship especially since friendship is mostly about being a giving person not a needy person. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 yeah, that's what I was afraid of. I guess I always suspected he was less up for a platonic friendship than me. I was hoping to lead the way by example. But he's reduced himself to a puddle of emotional, sexual neediness. I wish he was strong enough, or somehow valued our friendship more than he does, because I really think we have something to offer each other as friends. It's tough. I've just been reading another post about friendzoning, with a guy saying he isn't any good at being friends with girls if he's not attracted to them. I hate that with guys. They either won't be friends with you (because they're sizing you up on potential girlfriend criteria), or they do want to be friends, but either end up wanting more. Ugh! makes me less inclined to bother with friendships with straight males. I am a bit confused by your first paragraph. You say you were hoping to lead the way, which it seems you are doing, perfectly fine. However you are leading him down one path (sexual) and then down another (platonic). What is causing you to do this? for your second paragraph. Does it matter if you have male friends. Isnt a friend a friend regardless of sex? If being friends with males is difficult then just stick to female friends. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 it depends on how he handles the rejection. let's say you are hanging out somewhere and you see a cute guy you want to talk to. this guy can Cblock you all day. Link to comment
LE DHUY NHUT Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 yeah, that's what I was afraid of. I guess I always suspected he was less up for a platonic friendship than me. I was hoping to lead the way by example. But he's reduced himself to a puddle of emotional, sexual neediness. I wish he was strong enough, or somehow valued our friendship more than he does, because I really think we have something to offer each other as friends. It's tough. I've just been reading another post about friendzoning, with a guy saying he isn't any good at being friends with girls if he's not attracted to them. I hate that with guys. They either won't be friends with you (because they're sizing you up on potential girlfriend criteria), or they do want to be friends, but either end up wanting more. Ugh! makes me less inclined to bother with friendships with straight males. You don't seem to understand that most rejected guys don't give a damn about friendship.Especially if they have already 'sampled the goods'.All they want now is either a relationship or to be left alone so they can move on.Again ....most rejected guys don't give a damn about friendship which seems like the consolation prize to what they really want. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I don't think it really matters if you stay friends or not. Though I think it is a good idea to continue having sex with him. Link to comment
Chriz Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 lol @ Captain Planet. If you think it's likely that he will want to be more than friends or nothing, then it's not a good idea to remain friends with him. If you lay down the rules saying that you only want to be friends and nothing more and he says OK, then I see nothing wrong with it because if he's after more, then he's only got himself to blame if he gets hurt for not listening. Link to comment
Lucy_lou Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 As for Batya's comments that I'm not being a very good friend by calling him weak etc, you're right. I must admit, if we were friends it would not be quite as equals. He has a lot to teach me in some ways, but I still feel he's not my equal, and which is partially why I'm not and never have been really attracted to him. The sex was just a blip in our 8 year friendship, and even though we've mostly hung out one on one, and even been out for dinner a few times, it never felt romantic to me. He's not a very romantic person and it always felt like we were just mates. (He acts around girls the same way as he does around guys). The way we interact has always had that vibe of just mates, with that one period of sex just being a bit of fun. I guess I also think that when he's older, he may be more my equal, and so I don't want to miss out by letting the friendship go to rust. I know in a way I've lead him on by sleeping with him years ago, but it was a long time ago, and we've remained friends this whole time since. I don't know. I don't want to lose a good friend unneccesarlily. Link to comment
Lucy_lou Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 If being friends with males is difficult then just stick to female friends. this is the second post of yours on this forum of late advocating segregation... I think the drama that can sometimes accompany opposite sex friendship (between straights) is something worth transcending, not avoiding... just saying Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 If you don't see him as your equal - particularly since you think you are superior to him (despite leading him on, hmmmm) then I don't think now is the time to befriend him. My guess is he doesn't trivialize and dismiss the sex the way you do and that makes it even more unfair. It's nice to be a supportive and helpful friend and throughout friendship there are times when one person is evolving more than the other - but the foundation is respect and it doesn't sound like you respect this guy enough - you're just using him because you're desperate for friends. And that might be why you don't have friends in the first place - the desperation plus the superior attitude. Link to comment
Lucy_lou Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 You're right. I should find friends who I respect more. I like him, and I feel a bond with him, but I don't have much respect for him. I know I sound arrogant, but hey, this is an anonymous forum, if I can't be honest here, what's the point. As for my desperation, I'm sure it doesn't help. I guess I am a little desperate. Not for company, but I do long to connect with people, and have real conversations. He and I had that. We had plenty to talk about, we were from similar backgrounds had common professional interests and we liked each other. The "I'm superior" attitude, as conceited as it sounds is simply that in spite of all his other qualities, he's quite immature in emotional areas that are important to me, so I can never see him as a man that I could fully respect, even though I do like him and value him, and want to see him grow into a well rounded person. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I made several new friends through a women's networking group, volunteer work, a book club and through their friends. Link to comment
Lucy_lou Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 Thanks Batya. I think volunteering might be a good step for me once I'm settled in my new job. I like making myself useful. Link to comment
crippledsoul225 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I don't think he's really looking for your respect to be real honest. Someone with your condescending attitude is not significant enough to be concerned about gaining your respect. I bet there's people in your life that don't respect you but is that really a big deal to you? only if you think they are important enough to be concerned with gaining their respect. Link to comment
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