Will it NEVER end?!?

[confusedmama]

Went back to court yesterday, for the 5th time since the divorce in March 2006. I am so tired of being drug into court for petty crap. This was a pre-trial-next date set for March 2008.

 

He wants the boys overnight on Wednesdays, he says the boys want it also, but they never say this to me. He didn't want a Guardian ad Litem appointed, said he couldn't afford it, instead he wanted to bring the boys in as witnesses to talk to the judge about what "they" want. Thank God the judge disagreed, first time since we've been in J&D that she has disagreed with him. This explains why my oldest's grades have fallen again. It is hard to tell what he has been saying to them about this court date. It never fails that Chase's grades plummet when his dad is trying to convince him to do something.

 

I have set up counseling for the 2 oldest boys. I hope they can talk to the counselor about these issues. Chase with his grades and anger and resentment (I found the only picture of he & his dad together under his mattress as I was cleaning last week-I left it). ANd Davis because he seems to be in the middle of it all. Such as last week when the ex refused to bring him to an oral surgeon consultation. Said he was informed and refused to let me take him, or bring him to the appointment. My child needs braces!!

 

I'm angry for my children. I know this is all over the place with no set center. Sorry. I'm just so tired of fighting, but I can't give up because if I give up my kids lose.

[Atticus90]

Why dont you just let your children see him if they care about him?

[John Bendix]

What is the nature of all these court hearings? Do the boys want to see their father more? I actually wanted the court to ask my sons what they wanted. They were all of age to request what they wanted. My X never fought the fact that I was awarded custody.

[confusedmama]

My children do see him. I have no problem with them seeing him, even when it isn't his visitation if that is what they want to do. I do have a problem however with his using that time to try to lower child support, or make himself look good to others "see what a wonderful father I am", or when he bullies the boys into that time. He is an emotional abuser and quite honestly I don't know if the boys want to spend time with him or if they feel they "have" to spend time with him.

 

John, most of the hearings have been because of language in the original document about caring for the children-right of first refusal-him stating I don't give him that option. The last time he served me with this the judge sent us to mediation and he refused to change the document wording-didn't even wait for my to get to the mediation-and now 6 months later we are back in court again. Along with the show-cause he then files the motion to have the boys for weeknight overnights.

 

That is why the guardian ad litem has been appointed, to find out what the boys want without them having to come to court. I don't want them to feel pressured either way. I think what bothers me the most is I'm sure he has been prepping them to come to court. I can't even imagine what he is saying about it but their behaviors have changed in the past 3 weeks and I now have a good idea why. He only fights for the boys when he thinks his child support is going to go up and when he is between girlfriends.

[John Bendix]

Confused,

 

Sorry you and the boys have to go through this. We have some people here that seem to be always going to court for petty reasons.

 

To me, whenever the court (or mediator) seemed to side with my X, I always threw back to them what they told me in all of these divorce seminars. I was told that the family court and the supporting social workers are not supposed to give a darn for the parents. They are supposed to do what is in the best interest of the children. I asked them to stand by that premise. It seemed to stop any attempt by my X and her attorney to insitute litigation as was always being threatened. I hope that your attorney poses that to the judge.

 

Still, doesn't he have to pay the same amount of child support if he has them on the weekends? Is he trying to show that he cares about them by fighting in court? That is a twist of irony. The ego is a very strange device.

 

I have let my three boys, one minor (15), decide how and when they want to see their mother. She guilts them into seeing her but they do not spend more than an hour with her and not very often. It is pretty sad because she is desperate for their attention. I have the youngest in therapy for the last two years. That's another tale.

 

To me, your X will find another girlfriend and stop wanting them to come over so much. I would give him enough rope to hang himself.

[confusedmama]

He already has them every other weekend, if he has them on Wed. for overnight it counts as a 1/2 day, our child support is based on the # of days each parent has the children as to whether it is a "sole guideline" or a "joint guideline". Right now we are at joint guidelines because I wasn't willing to fight for more $$ as it was just an added expense and the days were close (90 days is minimum for joint, he had them 89-91 depending on the calendar). After counting the days he actually had them this past year, based on new custody arrangements, he only had them 80 days and this was his year to have them for Thanksgiving & Easter I went back to Child support enforcement because with sole guidelines my CS will almost double. So he is fighting to not have those guidelines set,not to spend time with the boys.

 

Mine are 13,10 & 6 so while they are old enough to decide some things, they aren't strong enough to stand up to a man who is supposed to put their interests first. They also, like every other child, want his approval and love unfortunately, his love is conditional. I keep reminding myself it took me 17 years to see that and stand up to it, I can't expect them to be able to do that now. It only makes me sadder & more stubborn when it comes to their best interest.

 

He doesn't have an attorney, says he can't afford it, I think it is more that no one will do exactly what he wants,and he "knows" he can do it better himself. The guardian is the same one we had before and luckily he does do exactly what is best for the children. I do have every confidence that the overnights won't happen.

 

As for the girlfriend, I was hoping for that also, unfortunately he has had several in the past 18 months, so for a while there are no problems and them she gets smart and leaves and then we are back in the spotlight for his attention. It happened during our marriage I don't know why I thought it would be different now.

 

I have the 2 oldest set up for counselling,hopefully that will help them now and in the long term. I would love some ideas on how to deal with all this petty nonsense without losing my mind!!

[John Bendix]

Confused,

 

This is the type of circumstance that I dreaded when my X served me with the divorce papers. It is amazing how far people will go (and go over others) in order to get their way (feed their egoic needs).

 

To keep from going nuts, acceptance is the key. Deal with what is happening right now without judging it and wanting it to be other than it is. Put your attention on what is happening in this moment, do what makes sense to you right now, and let the outcome come as it may. Right now is the only time you can make effective change anyway. It is the only time that really exists. The past is nothing but memory bits to be used as that when you need them and the future is just an image of what COULD be. Otherwise the past, dragged along as baggage, and the future, with expectation rarely being met, can create some unpleasant emotions.

 

That said, it is not what your X does to you, says about you, or thinks about you, that can cause any suffering, it is your reaction to these that can cause you pain. Do not let your emotional reactions become who you are or dominate your existence.

[catwalk]

do you or the boys need the CS to survive? it sounds like all of his actions are based on money, so if that is taken out (like not counting down to the day how many he has the kids) will he back off?

 

if a simple "you don't have to pay more child suport" will make this go away.... would that be so bad?

[confusedmama]

I really wish I could make it without the CS. And I think that if he had paid for the first 6 months of the divorce I could. Unfortunately when he wasn't paying I ended up having to make ends meet using credit cards and then when I could see the light earlier this year to get out from under that debt he took me back to court which means lawyer's fees. And I don't dare try to come against him without a lawyer.

 

Although the CS isn't much it does pay for child care for the month. I do hope that in the next couple of years I can take the CS and put it directly into the boys accounts for college or whatever they need as they get older. Right now though some months we barely get by and I've cut so far back I can think of nothing else to cut.

 

I also figure with the way he is ( nothing is ever good enough or right or his fault) he would find something else to take me to court over. I really don't think he even knows what his true motivation is other than to get back at me. I do try to take it one day at a time and keep the boys my focus, but it gets overwhelming sometimes. While I try not to become bitter I also refuse to give in to his demands I enabled his crap for way too many years and I don't want my boys to follow in those footsteps.

[just M.E.]

confusedmama -

Reading through the lines on his behavior, it seems he has some severe emotional dysfunction, healthy people do not behave this way. If I were you, I would start a very detailed log and even hide a recorder to get some of the more damning statements on record. Maybe you can use his own word against him and if he is manipulative enough, maybe the court will protect your sons from his pressure.

 

It's a thought, and it may make you feel empowered by taking this action.

 

He is obviously not rational and not thinking of his sons, what a shame.

[confusedmama]

I do keep a log of all that transpires and then I give copies of that to my lawyer. I hadn't thought of recording him, although most of the time when he is nasty to me it is as I'm picking up the boys from visitation. I have learned to be on my cell when I pick them up so that if he does get nasty someone else can hear him. Usually it will keep him from saying anything. All other communication is done by email.

 

He does have some emotional & behavioral issues that he won't own up to. The therapist I'm seeing (who we saw for couples counselling first) has said he is probably borderline narcissistic and he has been diagnosed with ADD. All these things make this fight harder for me and extremely difficult for my kids. Unfortunately, unless he gets diagnosed I can't prove any of this in court.