Jealous of boyfriend's past

[house259]

"fake it till you make it"

[STpilates]

I have the same problem

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm 20 and he's 25. I'm a virgin and he's had sex with 20 girls or so. And he's not the lady's man type at all. He said that it was just for sex with them, that's it.

 

It really bothered me in the beginning. ANd I have got over it alot, but it still somewhat bothers me. Just simply because I wish he could take it back. I wish that he at least wished he could take it back. I want to be his first.

 

It just hurts thinking about it and believe me, I try not to. I feel anger, jealous and resentful sometimes.

 

I don't want it to bother me. That's the hardest part. I love him. I do. I don't want to ruin our relationship.

 

I just feel sick to my stomache when I think of him being with other girls.

 

I don't know what to do. Obviously I neeed to forgive. But its like. He did nothing wrong to me intentionally. He wasn't with me.

 

Honestly I think it helps to get over it with people who can relate. we should talk.

[D1607307904]

wow i feel the same way as you!!!

Somebody help us

[AshcakessxD]

I know how it feels I have a boyfriend and we met when we were 17 years old .

Now I'm 18 and we made 1 year . I HATE his past SO MUCH! I don't even want to have sex with him yet . He told me he had sex with some girl without a condom and he cummed inside of her and he had sex with another girl and the condom broke . He had sex with five girls and I only sex with one guy . I have images in my head of him having sex with them and is hurting me a lot . I don't want to break up with him or nothing cause I love him a lot . But I don't know what to doo . People telling me to forget about it but I CANT when we talk about sex or anything about sex it pops up . I don't know what to do nomore . . . it feels like he's SO dirty and I don't want him to touch me no more is EW . But what can I do ? Resist the pain ?

[hexaemeron]

Okay, seriously? Why do you people care? It has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing. He/she didn't know you then. You cannot retroactively claim ownership of someone and then be mad about the fact they had LIVES before they met you.

 

Seriously.

[Unknown1607307972]

Okay, seriously? Why do you people care? It has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing. He/she didn't know you then. You cannot retroactively claim ownership of someone and then be mad about the fact they had LIVES before they met you.

 

Seriously.

 

I am not mad at my boyfriend for having an ex, I am not mad at him for the life he had before me. I am just jealous of his most recent ex mainly for three reasons.

 

1) She is a rude person and I hate thinking of him with a person like that.

2) She tried to work her way back in after me and my boyfriend got together.

3) I hate myself, and I constantly compare myself to her in my mind. He didn't love her, he said it was just a young teenage relationship that lasted longer than it should have...but seeing as I don't know what he sees in me, I compare myself to this ex and make myself miserable despite knowing logically me and him are a much better couple than they were.

 

He is not my possession, I am aware of that. Also I do not ever want to punish him for being with this ex. He already says it didn't mean anything compared to what we have, he loves me, so why should he have to be punished? The only person I punish is myself and I wish I could stop, but the only way to do that is to deal with my own self hatred first...one that has been present since childhood.

 

We're not all controlling and crazy people...

[windycity]

Hi, I'm a newbie here and in desparate need to talk about this too. I am ecstatic to find out there are so many people that have this same problem.

 

I've read all sorts of advice online regarding "healthy" ways to deal with jealousy about a partner's past, how the person you love is the person they are today because of their past, how it's really not relevant to the current relationship, etc etc... I agree with all that. Well my situation makes it a little difficult for me to cope with.

 

My boyfriend has tattoos on very intimate parts of his body of one of his ex's name and her name carved in (it's a scar, like it was carved there with a knife) on his chest. Now, I am not a nosey person by nature. My policy is to not ask a question that I don't want to hear the answer to. It keeps my sanity. So he and I both agreed to not ask each other questions that would only result in hurt feelings. But what do I do if every time I see his body, every time we're physically intimate I am forcefully reminded of the fact that someone else was so important and intimate to him to be inked and carved all over his body?

 

He isn't part of any online social networks like facebook, nor does he keep any records of his past - no pictures, emails, letters, nothing, ZERO. His friends also do a great job of not mentioning anything that could implicate anything about his past relationships. He has done a spectacular job of cleaning all his skeletons out of his closet. So I can't even get the satisfaction of snooping on him, fortunately or unfortunately.

 

But the problem remains that there is "Physical" evidence on his body, and extremely graphic images at that that slither into my brain and haunt me in my sleep. It's gotten to the point where I am losing sleep over feelings of jealousy and resentment. My heart was racing all night last night and I couldn't look at his face. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. He has been nothing but faithful and loyal to me, and he would never do anything to hurt me. I really need to be able to cope with these negative feelings that are continuing to grow and fester inside of me. I fear that it will seriously damage our relationship if I let this go untreated.

 

Any advice?

[FathomFear]

It almost sounds like a form of OCD, to be honest. I would be apt to treat it as such.

[repto]

uptowngirl,

 

I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?

 

Appreciate it very much!

[albertagirl]

Wow! A whole bunch of girls who feel the same as me! A huge weight has been lifted, because I thought I had a serious problem.

 

Me and my current boyfriend (both 22) of 5 months also made the mistake of openly talking about our past's before we were serious. Now that those words and images are forever burned into my (sometimes overly active) imagination, I dwell on them everyday. I found out when we started dating that he slept with my best friend the summer before and I have completely distanced myself from her and she is confused why. I just can't bring myself to confront this issue to her or him. It breaks my heart, honestly. And his best friend has a serious problem watching what he says around me, as he knows my bf's past. It makes me not want them to hang out because I'm afraid they will talk about girls my bf's has been with or dated. But I do know better than to tell them they can't hang out, obviously.

 

It's terrible because it makes me resent him, knowing he has been intimate with other girls and other girls have enjoyed my boyfriend. It makes me physically sick. Like, if I'm eating and I suddenly think about it, I literally gag and lose my appetite. It's really not healthy.

 

We are very much in love, have a great relationship and I DO trust him, I also am very confident. Which is why I don't understand any of this! I've NEVER been jealous of someone's PAST. Even as I write this, I know it's silly and I'm being ridiculous. We plan on getting married and having a child and he's never been anything less than the most perfect man I've ever met.

 

I understand that I also have a past (much, MUCH larger than his) and he doesn't seemed bothered by it. I've even had an affair with one of his favorite musicians and he seems unphased by it.

 

Unfortunetly, I know his Facebook password and I obsessively check it, even though I know he isn't hiding anything, because I've never found anything. If me and him are Skyping when he is at work, I will log in to his FB at the same time, just to make sure he is not talking to anyone else.

 

I feel like I am going crazy sometimes! What am I supposed to do to shake this feeling? And it's not just "oh get over it" because that is easier said then done.

[Unknown1607307972]

I get the sick feeling too, I feel literally like I'm going to vomit when I think of his ex and him together. Just one of his ex's though, the one before me who contacted him after we got together. I got upset when I heard that she thought they'd have kids together even though he quickly changed the subject when she said it because he didn't think they'd last forever at all. I found out that they lost their virginities to eachother in his brother's room (he had let them use his room while he wasn't there) and now I won't go in there stupid, and especially as it's the first room I stayed there when I went to his country (again, his brother let him, he has a bigger room). That room feels haunted to me, and I am crazy for caring so much. I hate thinking of her touching him, kissing him, being with him, hell even being in the same country as him yet I don't care that his other ex is *from* the same country as him! I just loathe the girl before me. My boyfriend says that he doesn't keep any important memories of her because it was a stupid meaningless teenage relationship and he just wanted to have a girlfriend and lose his virginity because his friends were constantly mocking him. He cleared any trace of her out of his life and said it's because she means nothing to him.

 

But my past is worse! Not only was he my first too, but I actually loved him once and was with him for two and a half years! We lived together for four months (two in England where I'm from, Two in France where he's from) and then another month on top of that in France, plus the usual visits. My boyfriend doesn't seem so phased, he doesn't exactly like to dwell on it but he goes through life not really thinking of it. I don't know how he does it, I wish I did as I could learn from it.

[Softsoul]

I have a problem with my fiancee's past as well. It all started when he called me by his ex's name a few times, had a toy in his car from her and he told me she was his "true love". I wish I could forget those things, because now his past is on my mind all the time

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I have a problem with my fiancee's past as well. It all started when he called me by his ex's name a few times, had a toy in his car from her and he told me she was his "true love". I wish I could forget those things, because now his past is on my mind all the time

 

It was un necessary for him to tell you she was his true love...he should have added "but you are now"

[SocialPariah]

albertagirl, I am so shocked to find how common this is- or at least common on these forums. I have clinical ocd, & I figured that I was only going through hell over my boyfriends past as a part of my ocd, but now it seems that non-ocd sufferers are suffering, too.

 

Your story sounds similar to mine, we started off in the beginning of the relationship by talking openly about our pasts & those pasts included ex lovers. I remember feeling only a mild jealousy in the beginning hearing these accounts, but as time went on, we became closer & my paranoia, insecurity & jealousy went through the roof even though our relationship was (& is) solid. Like you, those initial tales & images are burned into my brain & haunt me later (now). He has children to his ex wife & I get that same sick feeling whenever he goes to pick them up, knowing he is going to see her at least once a week, for the rest of forever. It makes me guilty because the children are innocent, sweet & adorable but I resent the fact that they will forever tie him to the same ex he told me too-much-info about, earlier on.

 

We also plan on marrying & having children & as 'silly' as it is for us to obsess over the past, it sounds as if it's more common than we think. Perhaps my past could be worse than his too, (I have also dated a famous musician but he doesn't know because I don't volunteer this kind of info) but I don't speak on it as much as he does about his, but what I have said about my past seems not to phase him, one iota.

 

Thank god I don't have his facebook password, that would just be unbearable for me at this point. Although we are planning on moving in together, he said that he will delete his facebook then because he mainly uses it to contact me (we're long distance at the moment) but he has past flings listed in his friend list & it's torture just looking at their pics.

 

I don't have an answer for us here, we all feel stuck & I wish we could have one big grouphug because this is just beyond draining emotionally... It is somewhat comforting knowing we aren't alone though, because before I found these forums I was thinking it was just me & all the rest of the couples in the world were cool with discussing their exes pasts casually...

[welltherebbz]

Oh - another question for the group...I'm wondering if you would consider my boyfriend "promiscious" before we met. I know it's different for every person, but just in general. The reason I ask is because I've checked some statistics for average number of sexual partners and was really surpised. I found one survey that said like 80% of college seniors have had only one sexual partner. That seems super low. He has three partners when we met (we were 22). They were girls he was dating...no flings or one-night stands. I didn't think it was bad, but these stats freak me out, like he was promicious. I blossomed sexually a bit later than most (I think that's why I only had one previous partner), so I think that's what throws me off.

 

I am exactly the same! im even seeing a psychiatrist because of my paranoia and my obsessive behaviour. Like you i also stalked his bebo page or whatever and like others iv seen a picture of him and his ex and it really wasnt nice. It made me mad, hes told me things i didnt want to know. id say having three sexual partners in a relationship is fine! sure mine has only has slept with his 2 exes and the rest were one night stands , which makes it up to about six, but i cant talk cos i was the same, but i still feel so jealous of him. I feel really angry at him sometimes and cry down the phone, i get angry when i think about things iv pieced together about girls and stuff. I always wonder who was the one night stands. I guess i realise its pointless worrying about it, but its so difficult. all of you will know this, im glad people feel the same, i thought i was going crazy. Maybe its even a bit natural i suppose if so many people feel this way. This is the best way! To talk it out, i feel talking to friends helps. For me, trying to think about something else and writing down the problem seems to help. I write it out and look back on it later. i listen to relaxation CDs, i try not to mention my fears as much to my boyfriend at the moment, because we've arranged thatil try and stop giving off and stuff for a while so Im going to just work on it somehow. Good luck!

[welltherebbz]

Gawd, i would be exactly the same if i found out my boyfriend had sex with a girl, especially without a condom. Fair enough i admit i did a couple of times stupidly, but hes told me countless times he always wore protection, which is some comfort. I was on the pill so i was the first girl he had sex with without and that makes me happy. I get jealous about the fact he and his ex lost their virginity to each other and he said he took a couple of girls virginities! I mean why tell your current gf that, i cant get it out of my head. But i get the same feeling, I feel mad, i feel upset, I get images. the thing you have to remember is that hes with you now and obviously those girls didnt work out. You never know maybe they were really * * * * or something and he regrets what he done. He could have exaggerated how many girls he slept with. hes prob really jealous about you sleeping with one guy because hed have to live up to one guy. I realise this post was over a year ago, so i hope things have worked out. Maybe we could chat sometime, cos i think it would help good luck!

[welltherebbz]

uptowngirl,

 

I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?

 

Appreciate it very much!

 

Heya! im not uptown girl but i feel exactly the same, in her situation. From the checking up on the boyfriend, to thinking constantly of his past. I am seeing a psychologist and that helps, maybe u should try councelling? i myself still get really bad at times, I cry and become so paranoid about everything. I hate his exes, I hate that hes had sex with other girls and i wanted to be his first, i get jealous about his partying ways. Its really hard, but you just have to see it as a completely different situation. Because its impossible to enjoy the present, while stuck in his past. Just try not to focus on it, think of other things. I think a lot about our future, when i think of our first child being born all that * * * * goes away. Imagine having a kid with her and none of that stuff mattering, you'll be her family, she'll not want to look back on her past when shes got a great present! its tough but a lot of us here feel that way just stay strong and keep posting this defo helps! im going posting crazyyy lol

[Stay_home]

There's really not a method to offer to get you at feeling less jealous about your boyfriend's past. That's an insecurity issue that you'll have to work on.

[agent1607307371]

Mod Note: This thread has been inactive for over a year.

[paigeg]

the same thing happened to me i met my bf in college he gave me the right to delete all his old facebook messages to girls to make me feel better but i seen him talking to girls trying to ask them out 2 days before we started dating.because at that time we were two people who ran in to eachother but never talked because we were afraid until he picked me up when i was walking home from class i thought he was perfect, i just failed to think about the past i had or all that because i didnt wanna deal with the bull****. all his so called friends were girls he dated and i had a huge problem with it and still do i have a hard time forgetting. he also gave me a disease in which we treated and got rid of but i cant ever stop i dont know if its healthy any more because im just a ***** we have good days when i love him and bad days when i cry all day and i get so pissed

i try so hard but its always in the back of my mind

i cant leave him because i love him so much and wanna be with him and that what keeps us from leaving eachother

i try to think positive and think things will change with time

but im scared to get married or have a future with him

but we are young and its a matter of getting over it and not getting so upset i just need to let things go but im stubborn like you are

you wanna be the center of attention and his one and only but unfortunately it doesnt work like that

[Badmedicine]

Hi just read all these responses and just want to say I'm feeling the same as a lot of you as well. My boyfriend is "The One" and I know this. We talk about marriage and our future constantly. But every now and then his past haunts me. Well for starters I moved into this apartment with him and he has been here a while so he has been with 2 prior exes (tht I know of) in this very apartment even in the bed I'm laying in now! Ugh just typing that make me cringe! So I decided to never think about it and push it to the back of my mind. But I sometimes find hints of "them" around. The first being a note and it was all lovey to him from her UGH! Then pictures which is whatever. Also i know if places around here he has brought them and that makes me sick too cuz if we go (like one is disneyland) i will ibly think of her

It's almost 6 am and I'm laying here sick about it. I even wrote out a long text to him (he is in the military and is at training for a week) about how I felt but decided to google jealousy first. And I must say some of the advice has helped. One thing I want to point out is now that we have Facebook it almost haunts someone like unless that person deletes their Facebook and starts over then their will always be that persons past at the bottom of the page. And that sucks because that's when I get the craziest when I see his past pop up on there... I dunno I guess I'm rambling but it felt good to just get it out...

[analesko]

Unfortunately I know what this is like all too well. Because of my insecurity and my need for reassurance I looked at his Facebook from past years, before he even met me and then I saw her profile. My body went cold, I started shivering, I was shocked. She was so beautiful. And he said he was in love with her and she moved away and he was devastated. Even though that was six years ago that they were together I think I would much prefer being stabbed with a dull knife. My insecurity is not what attracted him to me, it was my carefree attittude, my sassiness and how I appeared confident. Now this kills me because it is destroying me, destroying us, and it's ridiculous. Even more hurtful because he hasn't said he loves me yet and I'm changing who i used to be because of this. I feel like I'm losing myself because I love him so muchh and i have never felt like this before. I wouldn't say I've been in love but he felt like he loved her.... Again i'd prefer to be stabbed. That pain wouldn't even register on the scale of this torture

[Capricorn3]

Mod Note: This thread has been inactive for over a year.

Now over two years.

[famethrowa]

Hey people, I used to suffer from this too but then I found a GREAT book link removed I went from obsessive ocd thinking about my girlfriends past all the time to zero thoughts. Check it out.