Am I totally wrong here? (and what exactly does 'play it by ear' mean?)

[Seymore]

Last Friday night my girlfriend and I were supposed to attend a party at 8pm. The day before I had e-mailed her to tell her I would meet her at around 6. We both had company Xmas parties to attend, so we would meet up after that.

 

An hour before quitting time, my girl texted me from her company party saying she was drunk and missed me, etc. I went to an after-work get together with the guys from work. I texted her from 5-6pm asking if she was ok. No response whatsoever. Now I was getting worried. She takes the train home, so I cut my night with the guys and went to her house. Nobody there. I started getting pissed by about 7:30 and said "I'm going to the party by myself. You can come if you care."

 

As I got into the party, my girlfriend called asking "Why are you asking if I even care?" She was at her work sleeping off the effects of her drinking, and the party she was at was in a place where she didn't get any reception, and that I could check her phone for myself to see that she didn't get my messages asking if she was ok. I told her that I had said we'd meet up around 6, but since she decided to get hammered at work and not be home even nearly on time, I decided to go alone. We got into a yelling match over the phone right there, and she had told me that I had said 6pm, but she said we'd play it by ear. I told her that she didn't, and she copied the line straight from the e-mail and sent it to me. She was right. I offered to pick her up and bring her to the party, but she said it was ruined and she was in no mood now, and that I should stay. I did for a half-hour, talked to my best friend for a while and leftt to apologize to my girl.

 

But am I totally in the wrong here to be upset?

[Weeblie]

Just because she was playing it by ear, doesn't mean that she couldn't have called you up to let you know what was going on. I mean there was a vague time frame given, so she should've given you a call around that time. I mean by 7:30 you should've heard from her.

 

So I think she was being a bit inconsiderate there. I mean she was drunk and you had no clue if she was safe or not.

 

Would I go off on her about that and make this into a huge fight? No.

But I would mention that you were really worried and it would've been nice if she had tried to get in touch with you. Especially since part of that whole playing it by ear thing requires some communication.

[Seymore]

She blamed her no-carb diet. She had been on it for 2 days and said that she didn't realize there were no carbs to soak up the alcohol - she only had 2 and was flying. And she also tried throwing in my face that if I had cared enough about her I would try CALLING her instead of texting. I asked how that could work if my texts didn't go through and there was no reception, but I didn't get much of an answer to that.

[ghost69]

she got too drunk. she knew she had to meet up with you. she texted you that she missed you. if she considered this happening why did she get so drunk? i'd be upset. and i'd have every right. yeah you said 6 and play it by ear. but she didn't go at all. why? cause she tossed back too many. that's more irresponsible than missing the aimed time to be there.

[JadedStar]

She blamed her no-carb diet. She had been on it for 2 days and said that she didn't realize there were no carbs to soak up the alcohol - she only had 2 and was flying. And she also tried throwing in my face that if I had cared enough about her I would try CALLING her instead of texting. I asked how that could work if my texts didn't go through and there was no reception, but I didn't get much of an answer to that.

 

Her excuse doesn't fly. She obviously knew she wasn't getting good reception. The onus was on HER (doesn't matter about the carbs, two beers is NOT going to intoxicate her to the point she didn't know a phonecall to you was warranted) to find a phone in which to call you. I am sure the office had plenty of land line phones she could have used.

 

I am sure you two can work this out if you don't have other troubles in the relationship but my take on this is she is playing the blame game to keep you off her back.

[beauty21]

I would have been very upset. She shouldn't have gotten so drunk to the point where she had to sleep of any effects. She made plans with you, and she was no where to be found when it was time to go. I think she was wrong, not you. Even if she thought she wouldn't have been able to make it in time, she could have called you in advance to let you know what was going on.

[buckdawg]

ok.

 

she had a few too many. is this a habit for her? if not then i don't think it's the end of the world. sure you can be upset but crap happens.

[Seymore]

Thanks guys. This basically validates my initial reaction, though I did go a little extreme on her with the yelling. We had patched things up by the time we went to bed that night, but it had still been nagging me since, that I had gone to bed feeling like I was wrong in some way.

 

It's not a habit for her, but she tends to drink too much too often in my eyes. I told her when I was yelling at her that night that nobody put the drink to her lips and that I'm beginning to wonder if she's developing a problem, since she was claiming it wasn't her fault and she didn't know. She claims her alcoholic ex-fiancee kept her in the house and wouldn't let her out when she turned 21, so now that she's 22 and left him, she's partying like she just turned 21. Fine, I'll give her that - but when I'm wondering why she doesn't give me much affection unless she's had a few in her, it worries me.

 

The other night I brought up to her how we haven't even made out/had sex in two weeks. I got a kiss here and there when I would change her cat's litter or take out the garbage, but still...I asked her if she was still attracted to me. She got offended and said she hasn't been in the mood lately. Then she told me we should go out for a glass of wine and that would get her in the mood. I told her I want her SOBER side to be attracted to me too. She's claiming her friend recently got pregnant accidentally and it's made her worry and that she's being careful as a result and etc. etc., and that's fine, but come on, now...two weeks?

 

My, this topic has gone into a completely different lane now...sorry.

[buckdawg]

you shouldn't yell at her. that's disrespectful.

[beauty21]

Sounds like she is making excuses. Why does she need a glass of wine to get in the mood for sex?

[JadedStar]

Hmm, it sounds like you and your g/f have some issues to discuss. As i thought originally from your first post something deeper than just the incident at the party is at play. If sex has been waning you are probably more agitated than usual, which is understandable.

 

Yes, i'd be concerned as well if an SO needed a glass of wine to get in the mood. It doesn't sound like she had much time to heal or get over this ex and perhaps she is sowing some wild oats. I doubt the pregnancy worry is a legit one, sounds like another excuse. Sounds like she does that quite a bit.

 

I'd be cautious if i were you. I would not think about getting extremely seirous with her anytime soon. It sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants right now. If you are okay moving slower until she can figure that out that is what i suggest. If not and you are looking for a more serious relationship with someone who seems more attracted and committed to you perhaps it best to move on....i know that is easier said then done so if you don't do that just know she might be sowing some wild oats after leaving her controlling ex. I don't think you should be REQUIRED to sit around and wait for her like a good boy that is why i suggested if this is not for you maybe time to call it a day.

[Seymore]

just know she might be sowing some wild oats after leaving her controlling ex.

 

What do you mean by this? She left him back in June. She said she had one boyfriend after but he was a rebound and it didn't work.

 

She's told me she wants me in her future, wants to have kids with me and that I just may be the best thing to ever happen to her. Now I'm confused.

 

But what do you mean by sowing wild oats?

[ghost69]

she needs wine? she kisses you for doing something for her. are you her puppy? wth.

[buckdawg]

She's told me she wants me in her future, wants to have kids with me and that I just may be the best thing to ever happen to her. Now I'm confused.

 

if there's one thing i've learned it's that they ALL say that...and not just the girls. lol

 

sowing wild oats means getting out and partying. you said yourself she acts like she just turned 21...well...she is only 22!!! lol she's probably enjoying the new found freedom. the best thing you can do is to give her the space she needs. be there for her but let her act crazy if she wants. you're not her dad, it's not your place to chastise her for drinking or partying too much. if it upsets you then you have every right to leave the relationship but you don't have the right to make her feel bad about her behavior.

[JadedStar]

if there's one thing i've learned it's that they ALL say that...and not just the girls. lol

 

sowing wild oats means getting out and partying. you said yourself she acts like she just turned 21...well...she is only 22!!! lol she's probably enjoying the new found freedom. the best thing you can do is to give her the space she needs. be there for her but let her act crazy if she wants. you're not her dad, it's not your place to chastise her for drinking or partying too much. if it upsets you then you have every right to leave the relationship but you don't have the right to make her feel bad about her behavior.

I agree 100% with your post except the very last sentence: but you don't have the right to make her feel bad about her behavior

 

If she is saying one thing to him - i.e. commitment, speak of future and children with him - then he does have a right to call her on behavior that is very inconsistent with what she says. At the end of the day no, he can't control her and would be 100% within his right to leave her, but i do believe as her SO he has the right to say something about it when she is irresponsible. If that makes her feel bad, oh well then she shouldn't speak of a commitment and future if that is really not what she wants.

[buckdawg]

I agree 100% with your post except the very last sentence: but you don't have the right to make her feel bad about her behavior

 

If she is saying one thing to him - i.e. commitment, speak of future and children with him - then he does have a right to call her on behavior that is very inconsistent with what she says. At the end of the day no, he can't control her and would be 100% within his right to leave her, but i do believe as her SO he has the right to say something about it when she is irresponsible. If that makes her feel bad, oh well then she shouldn't speak of a commitment and future if that is really not what she wants.

 

true but that should be handled in a mature, level conversation. no yelling! lol

[JadedStar]

true but that should be handled in a mature, level conversation. no yelling! lol

 

I agree. Yelling will yield no positive result.

[ghost69]

I agree. Yelling will yield no positive result.

 

only at baseball games. dang umps.

[Seymore]

Yes, yelling doesn't help. I tend to go overboard when I get upset. I get images in my head and worry becomes anger. It was wrong of me to yell, and I understand she likes to go out and party. I take her most of the time because she can't afford to do it much. Hell, to celebrate her semester being done, I took her out and we got shnockered together, did karaoke, all of that stuff. To see the smile on her face and hear she had a wonderful time was worth it to me. She'd rather go and party with me than with her friends, it seems, because I'm the only one she does it with since we got together.

 

And it's not about sex. We established that early on. But after two weeks I feel like I've been helping her run errands and that's it. We've spent the last 2 weekends together in their entirety and it was all about christmas shopping and her getting packed and stuff for her trip to Florida to visit her family. But just a little affection wouldn't hurt. She does give me hugs and kisses and all, not just when I help her out, but we just haven't had time for US lately. She had no problem with showing affection before, and she has been feeling like she's been getting her period for the last two weeks, possibly from all the stress Christmas and her finals brought onto her, and I told her I understand that. She's only been away for 2 days now and she texts me and calls me multiple times a day to tell me she's missing me, thinking about me and wishes I was there with her. I just need a little more assurance she still feels for me, I guess, even in the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I mean, she put together the most beautiful and most thoughtful gift for me I've ever gotten, and I like that.

 

There are good, solid qualities in her that I never thought a woman could posess the combination of. There are bad ones, too, and it takes a lot of patience to deal with. But sometimes I forget that she's only 22. Hell, I was 22 and acting the same way back then. And she does have deep-seated issues from past relationships. But her psychologist told her that the fact she's sticking with me and working things out and trying to change (grow) shows that she's interested in making the one relationship she's had that looks promising...well, WORK. Her family abandoned/hurt her and she's been in a whirlwind of relationships that turned sour or abusive on her. I feel no obligation to be "that" guy who's going to turn her life around, but there are times I have complete faith that she will grow into something more mature. But again, at 22, it's not going to happen overnight. My insecurities only add to the challenge, but I still do love her.

[JadedStar]

How old are you? I take it you are a few years older?

[ghost69]

okay i was reading this and a few things stuck out to me.

 

-you are helping her run all her errands and she doesn't show you much if any affection at all

 

-she's 22

 

-she has a psychologist

 

-you love her

 

also, on another post, you put that she is partying like she just turned 21. dude, this girl is in party mode i think. she probably won't grow out of it until 24/25. too many flags here for me to even give advice on what to do. i think you know my thoughts.

[Seymore]

How old are you? I take it you are a few years older?

 

I'm 28.

 

And yes Ghost, I know what you think. You replied to a previous issue I had with her about her anger, and she's been doing very well with improving that. She doesn't respond out of rage anymore, and is calm and more open with her feelings.

 

And I don't help her with ALL of her errands, but I offer to help out if it's too much. During the week, she handles everything herself because I usually have my own agenda. During school, if she needed a film or something for a test, I would check it out at the library for her, because she worked two jobs at the time and was already swamped. I know she could have done it on her own, but I decided to help out. And she helps me out, too - cleans my place, if I need to run an errand, she'll go with me, etc. She always offers to help if I give any indication I'm in a bind. These past two weeks have felt crazy, though.

[JadedStar]

Just be very careful that you don't become a human pin cushion with this girl. It sounds like if you are not careful there is potential here for you to do all the giving and her a lot of taking. Just make sure you not only give respect but expect it in return. It is easy for a person to grow out of respecting you if you allow a lot of disrespectful things to go on and not command more respect for yourself.

 

I think once you are able to resolve the intimacy issues you will be far more forgiving of some of the other stuff. I suggest you talk to her openly and honestly, without a lot of emotion and voice raising, and just tell her what you told us...that the past few weeks you know she has been busy but that you have been feeling much like you are on the backburner. Tell her you do understand she has been under stress but that you like to feel needed and loved as well and you miss the intimacy you two used to have. If she gets upset about that then i'd say she is very immature.

[Seymore]

We did that - she HAD gotten upset about it and came out with the excuses that she really has been too tired and that earlier when I was doing the dishes she hugged me and started kissing me and I wasn't responsive. And without yelling I told her to put herself in my shoes - how would she feel had I told her I needed wine to be in the mood with her? How would it feel if I were so focused on everything else that she felt she was just "there helping out" for the last two weeks? She said she didn't know how it would feel and that she greatly appreciates my help, but I told her very bluntly that I know she knows how it feels because any time I wasn't in the mood, she would get offended and take it personally. She said "Well making out always leads to sex for us and I don’t want to have sex every single time" and I told her it never had to lead to that and she could stop at any time.

 

So now that everything's out of the way and all her errands are done, we'll see how she acts when she gets back from her trip on Monday. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to stop helping out so much with everything, but I need to not do that so much. I can't be the puppy dog that ghost mentioned. I admit, there are times when I wonder if she's with me because I'm helping out, and I want to see for myself if that's how she feels. Maybe I shouldn't be too shy about asking HER to do more stuff, like take my garbage out or going out and running an errand for me?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If she needs wine to get in the mood, it isn't about you, it's about wine...

 

Her crankiness could also be a function of how much she's drinking. Even weekend binge drinking becomes a habit, and people who drink too much can start to feel like they can't 'loosen up' unless they have a drink... that is NOT a good sign.

 

If she is hungover or cranky from NOT drinking, then she may be relying on you to do things for her (like errands and chores), since people who are hung over notoriously don't feel like doing anything or feel ill, and people who drink too much look for other people to 'take over' their normal responsibilities for them.

 

so i'd wait til she gets back from the holidays and see if this was a temporary drinking too much for the holidays, or a permanent lifestyle for her. Just because she 22 doesn't mean she can't have a drinking problem. Every drinking problem starts small, and with some small signs like this.

 

regardless, don't judge a whole relationship by a couple of 'down' weeks, but be careful to make sure this isn't a deeper problem if she's partying too much.