I want her back so badly, is there a shot in hell?

[jgoldseth]

Greetings all I stumbled accross this website and thought it would be a good place to look for guidance. I have just turned 24. I had a younger girlfriend and we fell deeply in love, nearly inseparable. She said I was her soul mate, and that she was mine forever, and her true companion.

We ended up being together for 2 years, and some of those times were by far the greatest of my life. This was both of our first long term relationships, and we were basically each others first lovers as well. We formed a bond greater than I imagined possible, and I loved and still do love her more dearly than anyone on this earth.

 

Now, let me tell you first the circumstances of how we broke up. We were together for 2 years but and at the end we had been living together for about 8 months, but I was about to move out on my own again. I had been feeling a build up for a few months, that something was wrong, that I needed to get some solitude to work out a couple of my issues which I thought were hurting the relationship (pot addiction, intimacy issues etc). I knew I had to work on these issues, to make my love comparable to hers. She was so pure and honest and totally loving and devoted, while I was still cynical in ways and did not fully understand or appreciate what a wonderful gift I had. I realized this and it made me feel really guilty, so I ended up asking her if we could take some time apart. I told her I had some issues I had to work on and I needed to be alone .. she said No, she wanted someone who was totally sure they wanted to be with her, so I had to break up with her.

 

I moved out and a month or so passed with me rarely talking to her. Deep down i still loved her with all my heart , but I did not want to string her along while I was unsure of my state. Meanwhile she was devastated (far worse than I knew at the time) and cried her eyes out for a month. Then, as she later told me, she had her last cry. She was done and over me.

However the story did not end there...

 

About a month after I moved out, she told me she wanted to come see me, because some fellow had asked her out, and she wanted to see if she still had feelings for me. This caused a lot of jealousy in me, and all of a sudden it hit me.. what the hell am I doing? I realized I was going about things all wrong and that I really did feel she's my soul mate. She came over and we ended up making love and talking deeply all night. The next night she invited me over to her place, and she initiated making love again. I was as happy as a bumblebee, determined that the month apart had really done good for me.. I now realized how precious she was and that I now knew how to express to her how grateful I was and how much I loved her.

 

Then 2 days later, on my birthday, she calls me at work, and tells me 'Im sorry it felt wrong, I have no romantic feelings for you anymore. Its over, Im sorry'. This was a total shock to me and I was shaken to the core. I did not sleep for 3 days after this and my despair and crying was so great I thought now and then of ending it all just to escape this nightmare. Now that I felt I had matured, and really appreciated and was ready to love her with my all, she was now shunning me and there is nothing I can do.

 

About 2 weeks later and she was now referring to the guy was interested as her 'boyfriend'. About 2 weeks after this and she is now having sex with him I believe, which comes as a total shock to me since she admits shes not even in love with him. This is a woman who claimed over and over that we were soul mates, that she would love me forever, and did not want anyone else. Then 2 weeks after making love to me she has already moved on, and can make love to this guy without even thinking about me. I have talked to and cried to her many times and she is totally adamant, that she has zero romantic interest anymore and that I need to 'move on'.

 

Now it has been about 6 weeks total since my birthday, and I am not getting any better.. in fact my love for her seems to keep growing, along with my regret. She is easily the most amazing person I have met, and I honestly would have married her some day. I still feel like we are soul mates even though that is definitely a one-sided feeling now. I can barely sleep anymore, every time I wake up I am hit with this horrible sadness and regret and just start crying looking at her picture. We had so many amazing times and I think our possibilites for our love were beyond imagination. It felt like no matter what the darkness in the world , or the hardships of our lives, our love would shine through it all. Now it all rings hollow, and feels like a lie. Her moving on so quickly is evidence enough of that.

I realized I handled myself somewhat immaturely, by pushing her away and not realizing what I was doing to her. I foolishly thought her vows of true love forever were genuine and that I could count on her to be there and have faith in me during my struggles. Instead, I am already just a 'pleasant memory' to her, and all I have to show of the greatest 2 years of my life is some photographs and love letters full of lies.

 

Life without her seems so dim and bleak, every time I think of her smile I start crying. I just ask myself why God did things have to turn out like this? I was just doing what I thought was right and I ended up losing my greatest love.

Now every night I feel so alone missing my dear love next to me, and every day remembering another memory that is just blurry and fading now.

 

I really wish I could get over this and be happy again, but my regret and sadness just seem to grow more and more as time makes it increasingly final. If anyone has any advice for me besides 'give it time' I would love to hear it.

I feel like the greatest thing I had in life is now totally lost, and never even was as awesome as I imagined, or it couldnt have been extinguished so easily. I feel very hopeless and

I have trouble eating and sleeping. I have tried going out with friends and its no fun, I just mope and wish to be home in bed crying.

We were best friends, we could talk about anything and we were so loving to each other, I just can't accept that she could want to marry me etc, and her feelings could change so quickly and completely. I feel like I hurt her and she just decided to cut off her feelings for me totally, but they must still be there somewhere, buried deep down...

Everyone tells me I should just let go and move on, but I've tried and its not working, Im still holding on to this hope/denial that somehow she will remember all the awesome things and our awesome potential and want to give me another chance. She says that she still loves me but not romantically, and she wants to be good friends some day. Can we really be friends though while I am still in love with her, and she is not with me?

Honestly is there a shot in hell of her feelings for me ever recovering? Am I a total fool for holding on to hope even though it causes me so much pain?

[dfcannon]

Sorry to hear the story. Maybe you should not be so hard on yourself, first of all. There were warning signs that the relationship was in trouble, and you decided to end it yourself, and if you had not, she almost certainly would have broken up with you (that's the way things were heading). Then, on top of doubts about how you might have done things better, you'd have been forced to deal with the pain of getting dumped. You did the right thing, in my opinion, given the all-or-nothing ultimatum she gave you, and for NOBLE reasons (you wanted to try to solve some problems and not drag the woman you loved through recovery). Even her ultimatum is a sign that she was ready to end the relationship.

 

Then, an interesting thing happened. You had rejected her and she has lost someone she loved, and AFTER she was over you, she had sex with you a few times and then dumped you. Hmm...did that ever seem a little fishy to you, like it does to me? Do you think she tried to take "control" back and hurt you as much as possible, basically turning the tables and dumping you? If that were true, that would help explain her fast rebound into the bed of a new boyfriend.

 

I have little doubt that she still have feelings for you, on some level. However, your relationship with her is badly, badly damaged. The core fibers of trust and goodwill have been torn apart, and no matter how hard you tried, things would never be the same again. That's what you're up against.

 

Your friends are giving you good advice, for the reason I gave above. Whether you take their advice or not is your call, but maybe it helps you to know that the girl you once loved is no longer the same girl...and she's not even available because she has a boyfriend. You're wishing for something that may be nothing more than your own imagination and feelings, so tread very carefully if you want to protect yourself from further hurt here.....

[jgoldseth]

well I dont think she was ready to end the relationship, she would have stuck with me a long time if I hadnt ended things, she tried to hold on during that month apart but I guess it hurt her too much so she let go.

I also dont think she was trying to 'get back at me' by sleeping with me again, I think she had wanted me so bad for that time apart , and she was trying to give it another chance. Granted I dont think making love again so quickly was a very good route, we should have patched things up first and taken it slow, but alas thats the past now.

[Hero_99]

I told her I had some issues I had to work on and I needed to be alone .. she said No, she wanted someone who was totally sure they wanted to be with her, so I had to break up with her. I moved out and a month or so passed with me rarely talking to her. Deep down i still loved her with all my heart , but I did not want to string her along while I was unsure of my state. Meanwhile she was devastated (far worse than I knew at the time) and cried her eyes out for a month. Then, as she later told me, she had her last cry. She was done and over me.

 

Ok, first off you initiated the seperation. You realized you had problems, that you wern't the person you need to be. Your solution was to sepertare from the very thing that you love most. Yes, I do believe that these are signs of a troubled relationship, but if she truly loved you and you truly loved her you would not have needed to separate from her. Attraction is natural, love is conditional and considered. The only time you truly know you love someone is when you get an opportunity to not to and do it anyways.

 

 

 

About a month after I moved out, she told me she wanted to come see me, because some fellow had asked her out, and she wanted to see if she still had feelings for me. This caused a lot of jealousy in me, and all of a sudden it hit me.. what the hell am I doing? I realized I was going about things all wrong and that I really did feel she's my soul mate. She came over and we ended up making love and talking deeply all night. The next night she invited me over to her place, and she initiated making love again.

 

Shouldn't that have been a warning sign to you? I mean why would she ever consider this if she has feelings for you if she loved you? She was considering another guy for peat sakes! She had no interest in you at all! Never ever believe a woman specifically wants you if she ever mentions possible attraction to another guy ever.

 

Then 2 days later, on my birthday, she calls me at work, and tells me 'Im sorry it felt wrong, I have no romantic feelings for you anymore. Its over, Im sorry'. About 2 weeks later and she was now referring to the guy was interested as her 'boyfriend'. About 2 weeks after this and she is now having sex with him I believe, which comes as a total shock to me since she admits shes not even in love with him.

 

Do you think she was ever really in love with you? I don't think she is in love with this guy either.

 

 

Now it has been about 6 weeks total since my birthday, and I am not getting any better... every time I wake up I am hit with this horrible sadness and regret and just start crying looking at her picture.

 

Dude, throw all of those things out or burn them or something. If just seeing her does that to you you need to quit idolizing them and get yourself back on track.

 

Yes, you formed deep feelings for her and that is a completely understandable. The truth is that these feeli8ngs will go away with time if you could only take control NOW and do your best to forget about the past! Take it as a learning experience or something.....

 

 

I realized I handled myself somewhat immaturely, by pushing her away and not realizing what I was doing to her. I foolishly thought her vows of true love forever were genuine and that I could count on her to be there and have faith in me during my struggles. Instead, I am already just a 'pleasant memory' to her, and all I have to show of the greatest 2 years of my life is some photographs and love letters full of lies.

 

Those arn't lies those are experiences. Get over her and find someone new. You need to emotionally heal the experience zapped all of the emotional strength out of you, and you need to get it back to have a future, stronger, healthier relationship with someone else.

 

Life without her seems so dim and bleak, every time I think of her smile I start crying. I just ask myself why God did things have to turn out like this? I was just doing what I thought was right and I ended up losing my greatest love.

Now every night I feel so alone missing my dear love next to me, and every day remembering another memory that is just blurry and fading now.

 

Stop that!! Right now!! You will die a horrible miserable death obsessing over this, seriously ... Heal and find someone else!!!!!

 

Everyone tells me I should just let go and move on, but I've tried and its not working, Im still holding on to this hope/denial that somehow she will remember all the awesome things and our awesome potential and want to give me another chance.

 

Game over with no more chances... Move on...

 

She says that she still loves me but not romantically, and she wants to be good friends some day.

 

Womanese for "I will never have sex with you again, loser."

 

You have plenty of friends don't follow her around like a puppy dog, ever. Which is what you are doing. Other women will sense this weekness and will not ever be interested in you.

Forget about her and do your own thing. Find someone else that can be more special than her!

 

 

Can we really be friends though while I am still in love with her, and she is not with me?

You're acting weak!! Women can not love a weak man!! Do you have a sexual interest in her? Then never, I repeat never hold a "friendship only" relationship with a woman unless you are sure you will never want to make love to her. You can not be friends with this woman in this state UNTIL you first heal and find someone else who you can be romantic with.

 

 

Honestly is there a shot in hell of her feelings for me ever recovering?

Yes, I know that for a fact she probably won't. Move on...

 

Am I a total fool for holding on to hope even though it causes me so much pain?

 

If you are hoping to ever get back together with her forget it the damage is done. Yes, you would be foolish for holding on to this sort of hope.

 

If you are hoping to get back with someone else the answer is that you will never be a fool for hjolding on to hope that there is someone out there for you despite the pain you encounter in the process..

 

 

 

Dude, quit holding on to the past. Your emotions are causing you to feel weak. Quit acting like you are whipped by all of this 'cause you arn't, and yes you can recover. You are destroying your life by obsessing over the past and believe me that is far worse than crack cocaine or pot or whatever else you were on.

 

The sad fact is that everything that went on was ALL YOUR OWN DOING and I think you realized that. You did it to yourself.

 

Move on.. Find someone else.. Take it as a learning experience and seek to improve yourself always ..

[jgoldseth]

dude youre taking things a bit extreme I think.. I have to disagree with a lot of what youve stated here. As for moving on and finding someone else, that really doesnt interest me right now.. I am in love! And I really dont care if my 'weakness' it off putting to other women, because im not intersted in them anyways. You state that yes you know for a fact her feelings for me could recover, yet you think I am weak and whipped for having some hope for that??

[Hero_99]

dude youre taking things a bit extreme I think.. I have to disagree with a lot of what youve stated here. As for moving on and finding someone else, that really doesnt interest me right now.. I am in love! And I really dont care if my 'weakness' it off putting to other women, because im not intersted in them anyways. You state that yes you know for a fact her feelings for me could recover, yet you think I am weak and whipped for having some hope for that??

 

 

No, I am not being extreme. I am telling you what reality is to not only you, but to many other people that have gone through the same type of experience.

 

You need to heal before it would be possible for you to move on.

 

You are acting dillusional.

 

If you try to remain in love with this woman you will destroy your life.

 

No! I did not state that her feelings for you would recover! She will probably never want to be with you the same way again!

 

Yes, you are acting weak and whipped and not only your ex-girlfriend sees this, but other women will as well.

 

You need to recover and gain emotional strength because this experienced has drained emotional strength from you, and that is why you appear weak.

 

Forget about this girl, forget about the way you felt for her and how she felt for you. You will only damage yourself further if you continue the way you are.....

[caliboy]

Hero's right, bro. He's being blunt and that's what you and every guy out there in your shoes needs to hear. I went through a similar thing as you 11 months ago. move on. if it's meant to be then she'll be contacting you one day, but don't wait for this. be sad, angry, confused and all that and then get your confidence back and go meet another girl. it's the best remedy.

[mahlina]

First of all, have you gotten over your drug addiction? I assume, if you are not, then maybe the feelings of recovering will make it even more intense. I'm not sure on this though, b/c I never tried pot.

 

However, some of my guy friends who are still recovering from some past issues, who drink a lot, and occasionally smoke pot, do suffer even more when they withdraw.

 

Whatever it is, I think that you must first stop the addiction. I'm not saying that you still are, but it helps to stop.

 

Secondly, since she did mention that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for you anymore, then chances are it's not there, and it will never be.

 

I've been in her situation before. One of my exes thought we were soulmates blah bhah blah. Okay, so he was my first love. He was stuck in a rut like you, had some issues with life. Me trying to be the Johavah's witness and trying to rescue him, I always felt the need and urgency to influence him in a positive.

 

I guess you could say as you've described how your ex was sincerely there for you, my love for him was completely true. I gave 110% of my heart to him, made sure that he did well in school, and always looked over him.

 

Whatever the reason is, in the beginning, he reciprocated, and then for some reason, he went off, going to raves and doing ecstasy. He broke it off with me, b/c he tried to convince me to smoke pot and do drugs with him.

 

He dumped me b/c he said that he couldn't enjoy his habits with someone he loves. He tried convincing me that if both partners do drugs, then our romance would grow stronger. We don't share the same values.

 

Well, he broke my heart. I cried for over 4 monthes. After 5 monthes, he came back. Things were different. I gave him a 2nd chance, but the second time around, I just didn't love him like I used to. He betrayed me. Then I broke his heart big time.

 

To cut a long story short. After breaking my heart, he changed his life for me, he stopped doing drugs, but no matter what, my heart was not the same.

 

Let me get to the point here. Okay, things didn't work out. You needed to workout your issues. Now she's suddenly with this new person (I doubt that this will last by the way, it's called rebound relationship), what you need to realize is that, life works in really messed up ways, but in the end, things will work out for the better.

 

Even if you wanted to get back with her, she might end up hearting you. In either way, the trust is no longer there. Once it's gone, it's difficult to regain.

 

 

Only time will mend your heart. I hope that my story helps...Good Luck!

[jgoldseth]

well its easy to say 'get over her, move on, and find another girl'.

However, I cant help how my heart feels, i guess that makes me

'weak and whipped'. That i care about someone so much

and see such awesome potential. oh well thanks for your input

guys, I wish it was as easy as flicking a switch.

[The Morrigan]

I don't think anyone is saying it's supposed to be easy. However, they're saying bluntly, in a nutshell, misery is NOT attractive, not to your ex, and not to any potential friends or other girls in your life.

 

You love her, and you miss her, and that won't change overnight. That doesn't mean holding on to it and letting it strangle you is going to get you anywhere. If only to make the days a little tiny bit easier to get through, you've got to take some action to avoid dwelling on it any more than you have to - and that means distraction, and LOTS of it. Get out of the house, get involved in exercising, start a project, go out with friends, but make sure you have SOMETHING besides being miserable to occupy your thoughts. Whether you're determined to try and make an impression on your ex, or ready to work towards getting over her, being a miserable wreck won't accomplish either one. Either way, the important thing is to make a start on yourself, before being miserably depressed becomes a place that's even harder to crawl out of than it already is, so try to be good to yourself and make a start somewhere.

[bdub]

jgoldseth,

 

It is easy to sit on the outside of a relationship and look in and make judgements about one person or the other, like everybody seems to be doing. People bring up some good points here, and some of the advice is good.

 

Your situation is unique. Just like the situations of everybody else in this forum. I'm not going to say that I'm going through EXACTLY what you are going through, but I am having similar reactions to similar a similar situation as you. What you feel is what you feel, and you don't have any say in those feelings. You do however have control of the actions you take as a result of those feelings. It WILL be painful for awhile getting through this situation. Its a lot like walking through a very long dark tunnel alone. Sometimes we don't think there will be an end, but for some reason we keep walking.

 

From my own personal experiences, it helped me to know that there are people who are having difficulty with life at this very moment. Mostly it just helped to know that people, some of them complete strangers, care about me and how I am getting along in life.

 

You have a good heart, and we care how you feel. Your heart will guide you, and when you feel lost, come here and we will help you through.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[Ugottabejokin]

so you dumped her for a month to get over POT and deal with other issues??

 

Methinks that we are not getting the whole story. Was there another women involved??

 

I've been on both sides of this fence. Getting dumped and getting the person back is never the same. You always have it in your mind that grief is just around the corner. AND getting back someone you dumped is never the same. They are always suspicious of your motives.

 

Take these lessons to the next person you are with. It sounds like you were dealing from a position of strength when you dumped her. Next time you are in this position, appreciate it and don't abuse it.

[SusieQ]

You did the damage when you broke it off. In her mind she saw you saying that her loving you and her help with your problems was not needed.

As for the sex after you broke off: She needed to get you out of her system one last time.

The new boyfriend: A substitute for you, but not someone she could love. It will take her a long time before she will ever love someone again, because of the pain she went through with you.

Getting back with her: Not a chance! You left a scar on her heart that will never heal.

[Mar]

Alright, I have to throw in my two cents here. First of all, you're hurting greatly, and understandably. While I wouldn't throw around a label like "soul mate" on someone I hadn't been with for YEARS, still, it happened. I don't think you were wrong in leaving for the month you did; you clearly stated that you were trying to get a healthier perspective on things to IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP!!! I can't possibly see how that is wrong, or how she wasn't willing to support you on that. Yes, she would miss you, but you were doing what you felt was right at the time, and, from what I gather, it was temporary anyway-she made it final.

 

Yes, it's going to hurt. You shared a lot of intense feelings, and things were great while you were together, and you're going to remember that. BUT, she also let you go VERY easily, which makes me think that, as others have posted, it wasn't the first time she'd thought of the idea of being apart from you. I have never seen a relationship where one can leave one's "soulmate" that quickly and easily and disconnect those intense feelings they supposedly had within 2 weeks! You don't turn love on and off with a switch, it takes time and pain and a sort of grief.

 

So I'm thinking she wasn't as noble or as perfect as you've made her out to be, and possibly don't want to admit. Look at the pain you're going through-don't you think that, if she meant all the things she said, she'd be having as hard a time as you? Why are you putting all the blame on yourself? She was wrong to cut you off so completely when you were doing what you thought was in the best interest of the relationship, AND she was wrong for coming back to "test you out" and see if there were any feelings there by sleeping with you! In essense, she used you.

 

I won't say "move on", because you will when you're ready to. But I WILL say that it's time to put away the pedestal you have this girl on, because NO one is that "pure" and "honest" and "loving", all the descriptions you used, and still uses a person and treats them as ruthlessly as she did! Maybe you're not ready to see this yet, but she's NOT the person you thought she was. Yes, you saw her good qualities for a very long time.....but those bad ones are also there, and came to light VERY quickly when she was dissatisfied with the relationship. THAT'S what I'd be pondering, not how good she was to you, but maybe how you didn't want to see her faults. Might put this relationship a little more into perspective for you!

 

 

Mar

[jgoldseth]

thanks for the feedback guys, Im glad Mar that you can kind of see things from my side a bit. The pot wasnt that huge a deal but I think it definitely hurt my motivatiosn to work for her etc. In my opinion, sometimes a man just needs solitude , especially after 2 years together and it being his first love. While we lived together it was supposed to be only for a month or two, but ended up stretching into 8. And at that time she wasnt working or going to school, so she was ALWAYS home. I think I started to feel trapped and started taking her for granted, with her being around so much. All of these factors and others built up over the last couple months, and thats why I knew I needed some time alone to sort things out. I think sometimes you cant really make a big leap in personal progress while youre so absorbed in a relationship and satisfying someone else. For all these reasons I asked her for time, but she said No. I guess she took it as me not wanting to be with her and being unhappy becasue of her. I really wish we had communicated everything better, its almost like neither of us wanted to ever rock the boat so we just kind of kept our problems to ourselves, I see thats a big mistake now. When she came back to me, I thought it was 'fate' that I really had made the right decision giving both of us some time to reflect and miss each other, but I guess not. I still feel it was what I needed to do, but unfortunately in that time apart she decided to stop loving me, cause it hurt her so much. Still I am in love with her though and I remember so many great things... I know her feelings for me may never recover, which is too bad. I think we could be so awesome together especially with all I've learned now. Only time will tell, I am not going to pin my hopes on getting back together, only that things will hopefully work out for the best somehow. Life is pretty long, I guess if we are meant to be, we will have another chance some day. If not I hope we can at least be friends and allies.