Love my childhood friend - time to say goodbye?

[Lucy_lou]

Well this really should be under Love, but I thought I'll post here to be more amongst family, so to speak... and it's really long by the way. sorry bout that.

 

I would like to share my situation to anyone who cares to listen. because I don't really have anywhere better to go with what I'm experiencing. It's about love, and loss of a friend. Not really a specific situation, just a ramble story.

 

I've just come out of a big year of university, and feeling rather emotional and raw.

 

I've spent the past 5 years in a small town, where I've been very much alone, knowing no-one, and not making many connections with people. But I have taken an approach of purification, seeking only real connections, and staying away from half arsed friendships. It's been good. I've allowed myself a kind of inner silence where I'm more sensitive to things. I appreciate the little things. A kind of heightening of senses through sensory deprivation if you will. Meanwhile, my friend who lives 5 hours away is constantly stimulated with a lively social life, a busy work life, and an ever present boyfriend. I love her, and in a way I'm in love with her, and have been since we were teenagers (although for the most part I wasn't into girls, so it was a more asexual love), and even now, it's not like I want to jump her bones. But I am in love with her. I want to be with her, I wanted to build a life with her in it. I've always treasured our times one on one together. And I've never pushed her away. But she's often pushed me away, or avoided us getting too close, mentally. She can't handle admitting how willing I am to connect with her more deeply, so she puts up defenses. Like when I'm about to tell her of a problem I am having, she'll come out with something like "you probably don't want to talk about it." But I've never ever given her anything to make her think I didn't want to share my feelings with her. She just can't handle it.

 

So anyway (if you're still reading). I'm about to see her in a few weeks, just for a couple of days when I visit my home town. I'd like to stay longer, but I don't want to be an annoyance. I want her to appreciate every second she has with me, so I'm keeping it short and sweet, I guess.

 

So that's the background. I love her very much and have since I was young. But this time, I think I am starting to object to her boyfriend, and I even think I am ready to ditch her on account of him. I never really clicked with him, and always thought she was too good for him, and that he was probably taxing on her. Anyway, it's her life, her choice. But since I've become more honest with myself, and more sensitve in my relationships with people, I am feeling that it is a sickening tragedy that she is practically married to this unworthy guy. He's the one who's put in all the work in making sure she was in his life, chasing her, presisting, being absolutely in love with her. And she's just lazy. She can't be bothered going out and chasing anyone, so she just stayed home and shaped him until he was good enough for her. The idea of him and her together forever makes me sick. If they actually had a wedding, I would either object, or not go. I love her, but I am having trouble being happy for her, because it seems like such a waste. And I wanted to be in her life. But I can't appreciate how he deserves to be the most important person in her life. I never understood what she saw in him and possibly never will.

 

Anyway, I am thinking of ending the friendship. I've always wanted to be closer to her than she was willing. I think she's a passive coward who needs to be chased, and then she'll criticise and torture her prey for a while until she caves and takes what 's on offer. But I have more dignity than that and I've always respected her space. That's part of why I live on the other side of the country, to prove that I am not so needy of her. I've always battled trying to prove to her that I loved her more than I needed her, on account of the fact that I was always alone and stuff. But it's been almost impossible to please her.

 

I've always loved her more than she has me. I just spoke to her on the phone, and she was kind of taking me for granted. She was tired. I don't think she has energy to be my friend. I think it may be time to say goodbye to my most beloved friend in the world. Who has made me happier so many times, for so much of my life. She's such a fool for marrying that dumb boy. Mediocrity wins again.

 

Thanks for reading.

[lukeb]

Sounds like you almost answered your own question. So you're in love with a straight girl, and you're wondering why she won't dump her boyfriend. A guy in your words ".... the one who's put in all the work in making sure she was in his life, chasing her, presisting, being absolutely in love with her...." She's made it clear to you that she doesn't love you this way. So I guess the idea of you two as a couple is only in your head. I would say if you can't let go of that idea, and move on then I guess it is time to say goodbye....

[Lucy_lou]

Thanks for reading my long post. Actually, she's bi. But in the circumstances, I guess it doesn't really matter.

[lukeb]

What matters is, if she's really that great a girl, and you click, and there is a real friendship bond there, can you be friends with her? Can you respect that fact that she is in a relationship. Can you let go of the idea of you two as a couple? These are the questions I think you need to ask yourself. Your friend has already answered those questions for herself.

[pianoguy]

Hi Lucy,

 

I've been in your situation before and hope I can help some... it's not fun but there are ways out of it.

 

You really need to face the fact that you are still in love with her, and you need to let go of the idea of having a romantic relationship like Luke said. A lot of what you write about her boyfriend is influenced by jealousy, which is a very natural reaction in these circumstances.

 

In my case, I was in love with a straight boy- not even a bi guy, completely straight, and there wasn't the least chance of a relationship. Nevertheless, I was still in love with him for quite some time- at least two years, more like three if I'm honest. I knew on an intellectual level that it would never work, but for whatever reason I just couldn't move past that and on with my life. He was just so darn cute and sweet...

 

Anyways, what ended up helping were two things:

 

1) Separation- he ended up leaving the country for a while and I didn't see him for long periods of time.

 

2) I began dating other people and eventually met my current boyfriend with whom I am in a LTR.

 

In your case, it sounds like you've already attempted #1, with limited success. I would try to lessen the time with your friend- try to make more friends in your new town, and make new connections.

 

Also, I would think about dating and going to the bars, that kind of thing. Are there any other potential interests in your life... anywhere you might go to meet new people?

 

In the case with my friend, we ended up remaining friends, although we took quite a long break in our friendship. He doesn't know about my feelings and probably never will, which is probably for the best, I suppose. I don't recommend completely cutting off your friend, but try taking a break from her for awhile to try and develop new interests.

[Lucy_lou]

Thanks for the advice.

 

Actually, I have all but cut off contact. I speak to her only a couple of times a year. I left her, after years of always being over at her place. It was my attempt to learn to survive without her. I did fine. I have plenty of romantic interests floating around. Doesn't change the fact that I would love to think that she and I could be together one day, as in family. I don't want to be her girlfirend. I just want her to commit to keeping me in her life. She just goes with the flow too much, and her apathy is going to lose one of her best and most devoted friends. As for her relationship, she told her guy that she was interested in straying a bit (no doubt with the ladies, but she didn't specify with whom), but she seems to have these suburban, monogamous habits that are getting stronger, and she never did stray. Not like she has the tendency to chase anyone herself. As I said, she's lazy. I think she may have hinted at something with me last time I saw her, I might be just imagining it. Regardless I wasn't interested. I want more than just sex. I would rather have nothing than be an accessory on the side of her very solid relationship with her boy. If I got along with her boyfriend it might be different. I could handle them being so serious and committed, if I liked him. I want her and us to be family. Just because I'm not the one having sex with her shouldn't mean I have to just lose her. It just breaks my heart that her apathy is sending me away. We both miss out because she's so complacent with her default marriage.

 

It's difficult because I'm in this grey area. I'm not in lust with her, so it's not even realistic for me to chase after her and try to replace the boy even if she was willing. But I am in love with her and want to be with her, and I want to have more importance to her than just a friend who has to always take second place to her main man. I want her to have a place in my future. In the past, I often have taken priority, and he's been extreemely respectful of me, and tried to get my approval, but as time goes on, and with the years of us hardley seeing each other, he's becoming more and more her husband.

 

p.s. (she says she loves me. but then friends often do. Doesn't mean she wants any emotional dramas with me).

[pianoguy]

Hi Lucy,

 

There's some things I would like to address in your last post, but before I do- is your crush bi, gay, or straight? What is your history: i.e., did you date, did you fool around but not date, did you flirt but not fool around, or was it just a one-sided crush? I'm just curious because this makes quite a difference it what happens next.

[Lucy_lou]

thanks for your reply piano guy.

we've only ever been platonic friends. It's never felt like a crush though. We were just really good friends who had a lot of fun together. I was always more intense towards her though. But then that's how her past boyfriends have been too. She plays that game where she'll push them away for 6 months and eventually succumb to their devotion. She's never succumbed to mine though. maybe cause it's not sexual, so it's not worth it for her.

[lukeb]

You're given us a pretty long description of your relationship with her, but not a single clue to the fact that she is bi. What makes you think she is bi? I'm not saying she isn't, I guess I'm just asking.

[Lucy_lou]

yeah, I know it's really long. Thanks for reading the whole thing. It's just a bit close to the heart, which is why I'm being so elaborate. As for her being bi? I know because we've been friends for a long time and we know each other, hence we know each other's orientation. She's told me. She's had crushes on girls, she's made out with girls. I think she prefers them, but she's anchored down in a hetero relationship because she found someone special who was a boy. She's also said that if she broke up with him, she's probably go to the other side (women).

 

I also confirmed that I was bi to her only about a year ago, when I told her about a woman I liked (I didn't mention the fact that this woman reminded me a bit of her). So our history has mostly been that there was no potential between us, because I was kind of straight and she was kind of straight, though less so. Anyway, I think it would be kind of cool if she ended up being with some girl who reminds her of me. (after we've stopped being friends that is). I'd be honoured to see that.

[lukeb]

I don't think your thread is that long, I see some of whats going on in your life, it kind of parallels what is going on in my life. That makes it very interesting for me personally anyways. I guess it is normal for friendship lines to get blurred, and why not? My friends are closer to me than my family, they are my life. I wonder if you shouldn't reconsider some some "half arsed" friendships again. Get back in there....., even a gay and lesbian support group would be good. Your story has helped me see certain things. Good luck!

[Lucy_lou]

Thankyou Luke, for your nice words.

 

you wrote My friends are closer to me than my family.

 

I didn't say it in those words, but that's what my issue is about. She's my family. But she already has family. She has a strong group of friends she's been friends with for about 10 years or more (including me), as well as a big close knit, friendly Catholic family. I don't know if she's willing to recognise how much of a loss it is for me to not have her in my life. My biological family and I aren't close, and they have not much to offer me. And I have no community here in this small town. I'm here because the job opportunities are so much better. The more alone I feel in the world, the more determined I become to focus on my career and making lots of money to protect me from the harsh world when I know I have no support network to catch me if life gets cruel.

 

Thanks for the suggestion to reconsider half arsed friendships. I tend to be a bit stubbon and purist. But that's what community is, isn't it, a large net of interconnected half arsed friendships. It's just hard to endure them, when you have no real close friends to blance things out and allow you to express your deeper feelings. That's why I've taken to music and song writing lately, even though I have no talent (and talking on here). You can't be light all the time if your emotions are boiling away inside you with no outlet all the time.

[girl friend]

Tricky!

 

She's bi you say?

Why not just tell her how you feel?

 

If your thinking of cutting off contact anyways, nothing to lose really? She may build a life with you. You can never really understand another woman's mind - so ask!!!